I really didnt realize Katie wasnt wearing pants until I took this picture, at closing.

Drunk girls always want to tell you a secret, "ssssssssshhh!! Im drunk!! SHHHhH!" (Colette)

This is strikingly similar to a photo i took of grey the very first night we met months ago

This was before I got their attention.

And after forever....this is when i got their attention. Silly broads. :)

Some sweet girl saw me attempting to take a picture of me with Dave, and so she snatched up my camera and took the shot for me. .....God. Look how serious my arms are. Its like you got to go to the gunshow wether you wanted to or not. BAM.

I was supposed to take a picture of a grill, he insisted, but he dissapeared when i was ready to photograph. Lame.

Its dark, the light in the other room is seeping through, outlining your bedroom door. Your feet are cold, your thin dress socks have settled loosely at your ankles, as though they were trying to be with the rest of your clothes you just discarded off of your body onto the floor. With a delicate leap you throw yourself into your covers, feeling even colder with the blankets curled around you. Minutes pass and you've forgotten the cold. Even down to your littlest toe. It's that time after youve layed yourself down and before you actually drift off. You think about picking apart your day, the past month. You consider overanalyzing most recent actions. Instead you decide to think of what you accomplished in the past hour, and what youre looking forward to doing in the coming days. With or without fail, youre going to try.

Then you wander back to possibly being over critical of yourself. Things you have tried...with or without fail, but mostly with failure. No.

You're going to curl up and wrap your arm around a pillow and remember how close you are to the house you grew up in. You know the one. The one that is so full of memories, the windows are creaking under the stress of them. The time your sister gave you a tape to listen to, youd never really heard much music outside of Nickoldeon, or what your mom would listen to in the car, all you ever heard from that was the pecuiliar commercials anyway. You remember making a slip n slide out of garbage bags. Setting the hose at the top, rocks, holding down the edges of the bags, leaving scrapes on every slip, and a bruise on every slide. The time your neighbors set up a lemonade stand so your sister and you thought it would be appropriate to set up a Kool-Aid stand. After all, what self respecting person would choose lemonade over strawberry splash kool-aid? Apparenly everyone. You won't sell a cup that day.When your screaming for an end to all this madness, A couple of police cars, and even a firetruck will stop, but it seems as though even they've lost their minds. Lemonade all around. You think back further to another business endeavor gone wrong. You tried to sell rocks when you were 8. Rocks that you had picked up around the neighborhood. not polished, not shined. Dirty, and probably spit on at some point. A boy you were friends with bought a shiny crystal you had found in the house for $10!! An hour later his parents made him bring it back, though. You used to play zoo, and secretary, you used to put on plays with your stuffed animals. You shared a room with your sister, and sometimes at night, if you two hadnt gotten on eachothers nerves that day, she would stick her fingers through holes in her blanket and make them talk to eachother, with specific voices that carried through consistantly from preformance to preformance. When you guys got older youd draw eyes on the bottom of your chin, and a little nose below your bottom lip. You know what im talking about. Youd turn your chin into a little person. You creeps.

To think, you've spent your whole life since those days trying to get back to that, clawing for some simple pleasures, when trusting someone meant you could loan them your favorite barbie doll without it coming back with missing limbs. Your naieve mistakes probably embarrased you to no end, but wouldnt break your heart.

Then with that you remember that yes, things break your heart, yes, trusting someone really means much more now. But when you were younger you got new dolls, even better than the one that you called your favorite. Of course, people arent nearly as replaceable, they care back, you can underestimate them or overestimate them...but STILL. People will always suprise you. If one leaves you, another will come. You will always find another that is better than the last, or at least just as good. In time.

Recognizing that makes life easier, it eases your mind...and somehow...

...you can sleep better knowing it.

It's always been, in any temperature, that the Bellingham transients on Railroad avenue tend to huddle on one corner, but find themselves wandering around in that 50 foot area like there was an invisible wall of soap, perfume, and non alcholic beer. Of course you have to walk through them if you intend to go anywhere within that rot bubble or slightly past it. When youre a girl youre lucky if all they do is stare you up and down. Especially if youre on an empty stomach. Unfortunately for me one of them caressed my arm as I walked by, and my belly was more full than its been in at least 3 months. I mean, I was so full I had to walk slower...which means more time in the bubble. Blech. "I hope someone's in there" I said to Jeni, pulling open the doors the the infamous local 24 hour diner. I'd forgotten they'd made the dining area non smoking since before I left for Chicago. The only person i recognized was Mellissa over in one of the large booths. She, as usual, looked less than thrilled to see me. But in an attempt to be peaceable I thought I'd go say hello. Obviously not a good idea as every question and statement was greeted and given to me with a silent but very obvious, "fuck off" Which is fair enough, Mellissa's cynicism has always had some uncommon charm to it that ive always had some strange form of respect for. Ever see someone and think, "Is that [insert name of person you would never really expect to see and dont really think it IS but you ask anyway for some strange reason here]"? Ever after a few minutes while looking over someones shoulder that youre talking to make EYE CONTACT with the mystery person and realize is IS who you thought it was? And then all your blood falls out of your body chased by your kidney and esophegus? I dont suggest letting that happen. I saw Clint. Took my virginity when I didnt really want to have sex Clint. Messed me up for life, clint. I swear my heartbeat went from normal to ridiculously scary fast (smart terms right?) in a second's time. im suprised my eyeballs didnt start bleeding or something. That was seriously one of the most frightening instances ive ever experienced, and ive been in a pretty horrible amount of horrible situations. Anyway, I quickly told my friend why I was leaving and calmly scurried out of the 'Shoe. She headed for her car and I pulled her in the other direction. I dived into the alley. My heart was still racing and my stomach seemed to be making some serious plans to visit my mouth. I was so shocked and caught off gaurd about it that I was shaking, hard. Seeing him after at least 3 years, 4 if you dont count one instance that I saw him pissfaced at some show with a couple sloppy cows, was just horrible. I havent slowed my heart rate much since, and its been probably a good hour or so. He looks exactly the same as he did back then. Exactly. My guts hurt. I havent wanted to go back to Chicago more than I do right now. Sure I miss loveable Jason and my silly best friends...but nothing makes you want to go back to the people who give a care about you than seeing the one person who messed you up the worst. UGHHHHHHHHHHH I need some TLC. or wondershowzen. Damn everyone who doesnt know about wondershowzen (which is pretty much everyone here)