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PETER AND THE TEST TUBE BABIES Official



Last Updated: 12/29/2009

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Status: Single
City: Brighton
State: South
Country: UK
Signup Date: 12/13/2007

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009 


Ian and Emma’s Christmas Adventure

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Non-Kissing Cousins

On the aeroplane home from Germany I could not have felt happier, the nightmare behind us, Emma at my side, my new false teeth fitting snug against my gums. My dreams were as shattered as the horrific face before me as the ghastly zombie that was ken Tankerous entered the cabin. He swung his sword into my face, smashing my new teeth, this made me angry, perhaps the most furious ever. As the plane spun out of control I took my cocktail stick from my drink and plunged it into Ken's eye, he fell accross the carpet and I kicked him square in the bollocks. As he was disabled I managed to grab a fire extinguisher and shove the nozzle up his arsehole. I kept my finger on the trigger until I had discharged the entire contents into his abdomen. I then grabbed one of Emma's high heels and repeatedly punctured his skull and lungs with it. I dragged him to the food area and booted a couple of parsnips up his arse before filling his nose and moth with mashed potato. I then jumped up and down on his head for a good twenty minutes before bundling him to the emergency exit and throwing him out into the freezing, turbulent slip stream.
I managed to dash to the cockpit in time to take over the controls and stabilize the plane. Looking out of the window I could hardly believe my eyes, there, under the wing was Ken, clinging to the engine, his hair ablaze and a hate filled expression on his blood stained face.
11:58 PM 
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009 

Ian and Emma’s Christmas Adventure Pt8

Ian and Emma’s Christmas Adventure

 

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A Face Full of Bullets....

It’s true what they say. Love conquers all. Through all the trials and tribulations of this trip, love has given us the strength to pull ourselves through and realise our love for each other.....

We have decided not to travel the extra two hundred miles to Frankfurt to see the test tubes babies. I have abandoned my car and we are sitting on a plane holding hands, staring into each other eyes and dreaming of our future together.

 Suddenly the plane lurched violently to the left and plummeted towards the ground. The cockpit flew open and Ken Tankerous  marched up the isle towards us brandishing a sword in each hand, his face still riddled with gunshot wounds. ....

Ian do something.......






11:52 PM 
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009 
N

So there i was, tied to a chair, my teeth all removed from my agonised and bleeding gums, the evil Henry lurching towards me while removing the hot spoon from his boiling coffee mug. My eyes rolled skywards in horror and it was then that I caught sight of a skylight high overhead and through the dirty glass I could see the beautiful Emma being held at gunpoint by a shady figure. This sight made me angry, perhaps the most furious ever, and, straining with all my might I snapped my bonds and broke free from the chair. I grabbed Henry's cup and poured the contents over his head leaving him screaming in pain. I then smashed the empty mug over the head of the other guard and grabbed his gun from his hand. Aiming at the skylight I took a potshot and, fortunately, the bullet hit the mystery assailant in the hand, buying me vital time. I hurled myself onto the nearest convenient rope and cut off the deadweight anchoring it to the floor, sending me hurtling up through the remains of the skylight. at the top I leapt out onto the roofspace to find a grateful and shivering Emma more pleased to see me than ever. Her attacker was scrabbling around on the roof tiles trying to pick up his severed fingers, I kicked him from behind and he rolled over on the floor to reveal himself as MY COUSIN KEN TANKEROUS!!
I emptied the remaining bullets from the revolver into his traitorous face before sweeping Emma into my arms and showering her with toothless kisses. whatever will become of us now?
11:49 PM 
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Wednesday, December 23, 2009 
Unbelievable stupidity.
Last night in Wuppertal we were made very welcome, given loads to drink and extremely well fed. After the show I was in the toilet and just about to pull the chain when some unthinking moron tipped the dustbin full of paper towels over the cubicle wall, completely filling the loo with paper. I tried to flush it away but, needless to say, the toilet became completely blocked. What an unutterable cunt this Neanderthal knuckle dragger must be. Worst thing is that by this time there were only the bands and their “friends” left in the building. If you are invited backstage by a band you shouldn’t behave in such a brain dead manner.
What a shame that people who gave us such a welcome were left with such a terrible mess. If you are reading this and you are the thick arsehole who did it then get yourself back down that club and pay their plumbing bill you stupid stupid cunt. 
3:01 PM 
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Tuesday, December 22, 2009 

I awoke angry and alone this morning, perhaps the most furious ever. My broken nose is causing me a lot of pain and my burst piles have stained my favourite underpants. I can not believe that Emma and Ken have treated me in this underhand way and  it was with a heavy heart that I set out to the chemist and dry cleaners this morning. I stopped for a sit down on a park bench on the way and was surprised when a foreign man in a long overcoat tried to swap my bag for his. He was very persistent, saying something about the wild geese flying east for winter so I eventually let him have my bag. What he wants with a pair of stained underpants I cannot imagine. 
I wandered down an alley and opened the bag he had given me to find that it contained a perplexing array of documents and microfilm, better than dirty pants I suppose but I have no use for them. That is when events took a nasty turn for the worse.
A complete stranger suddenly pushed a revolver into my back and ordered me into a waiting car where several somber faced men started bombarding me with questions. I had dropped the bag in the alley but they wouldn't believe that and have pulled out all my teeth searching for a hollow one containing micro film. I don't understand what's going on, I was hoping to sort things out with Emma and ken and go to see the Testtubes in wuppertal tonight. Now I don't know what will become of me. One of the strange men (I think his name is Henry Klerrr or karre or something) keeps hitting me and scalding me with the hot spoon out of his coffe cup whilst asking me for information I cannot provide. 

They haven't discovered my palm top computer and this is my only lifeline. If you are reading this please contact the police and tell them I am locked in a basement somewhere near Berlin.

Ian

The End?

There he is. Through the skylight I could just make out two burly figures below with a blood splattered Ian tied to a chair between them. The directions I received on my Blackberry were correct. Ian doesn’t look like he can hold out much longer. I’m going to have to act fast.....

Suddenly I felt cold metal pressing up against the back of my neck. “Get up bitch. I turned around slowly. “Ken Tankerous!, is that your real name?”

                 “You've gotta understand something

                 about me, bitch. I have a little rule,

                 Okay? I don’t take prisoners.”

Ken stepped back and raised the pistol to my temple. I closed my eyes….....


Em

3:18 PM 
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Tuesday, December 22, 2009 

Ian and Emma’s Christmas Adventure


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S

Tonight started so well and yet ended so badly. 
I finally met up with Emma in a small bar in Berlin and we talked through our differences and decided to give things another go. I asked my cousin Ken to make himself scarce as he was being a bit of a gooseberry. 
We went to the Testtubes show together and danced together at the front, the band were fantastic and I thought the evening could not get any better until Emma agreed to come back to my hotel for a night of unbridled passion. 
The sex we had was like something out of the best porn film you've ever seen, although I squandered a full two minutes on foreplay I knew Emma was impressed by the  90 seconds of hard shagging we then enjoyed. Needless to say, after such a sexual marathon I was off to sleep immediately, satisfied that I had done my bit.
It was in the early hours of the morning that everything turned sour. I was awoken by a rocking sensation and my head bouncing on the pillow. When I rolled over I was horrified to see my cousin Ken on top of Emma, pumping away for all he was worth. I leapt up and dragged him off her and immediately challenged him to a fight. The fisticuffs didn't go quite as well as I expected  and Ken soon got the better of me. After giving me a fucking good kicking he flushed my head in the toilet and gave me a wedgie, bursting my piles. He then took Emma away with him and left me alone. I think my nose is broken.
Needless to say I am severely vexed. Perhaps the most furious ever.







Amnesiac

What happened last night. I can't remember a fucking thing. I'm sitting here having breakfast with Ken and he keeps trying to kiss me. Fuck off. You ugly cunt!!!
Why is my fanny so itchy and sore?

Em


1:31 PM 
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Monday, December 21, 2009 

Ian and Emma’s Christmas Adventure


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Flames of Angry Desire




I awoke freezing cold in the snow this morning which made me angry, perhaps the most furious ever!!!!!!! After hours of wandering the streets alone I eventually found my so called friend and cousin Ken chatting up the gorgeous Emma. Needless to say she told him to fuck off but he should have known that there is unfinished business between us. Despite her protestations I know that it is my angry face that she longs to see leering up from between her shapely legs. Tonight I go to see the Testtubes in Hamburg and, if emma is there i will make my move and see if we can rekindle the flame we once had.

Ian


Pond Life



Hamburg was great last night. I managed to get right up the front at one point.
Peter kept staring at my tits which made me feel a little uncomfortable. 
Seems a tad shallow!! 
Three days I've been in Germany and not once has that baboon arse faced cretin, Ian, had the decency to even come over and say hello, let alone buy me drink. Even his dimwitted accomplice, Kenny Tankerous made the effort to chat me up. Oh well, at least the test tubes are nice blokes. I'm on the guest list for the rest of the tour. I actually pity them. What a sad life. Not a hint of the glamour you'd expect. H's attempts to get me into his bunk on the tour bus were completely feeble. He collapsed on the ice with an achilles tendon injury. Terrible gene pool. I had to leave him to rot on the icy side walk. I can't be seen around with a weakling like that. 
Berlin tonight. 
Looking forward to it!


Em x
9:53 AM 
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Sunday, December 20, 2009 

Ian and Emma’s Christmas Adventure


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I made it to Stuttgart and decided to go for a Sauna at a hotel I’d been recommended. Last night it got down to minus ten and my short skirt just wasn’t working. I froze my fucking minge off and decided to thaw out with a nice relaxing sauna and steam.

Once in the health suite I noticed trailer park scrubber ‘Pink’ and Punk Rock Leg End ‘Peter Test Tube’ enjoying a bubbly spa bath together. As Mr Vented had failed to put me on the list last night I decided to try my luck. “Any chances of the guest list ?” ‘Certainly Love” Pink replied “Only if you give me  a blowjob” mumbled Peter.

The Test Tube Trek show was great and the band were in full costume and really rocked. The three sets from DJ Delfish were worth the trip from England alone!





I sidled up to Captain Pike look alike ‘H’ at the bar afterwards and he invited me to share his bunk on the bus. Warmth would make a welcome change. 

Em

This bullshit has made me so angry, perhaps the most furious ever!!!!!!!! The show last night was fucking shit. The only enjoyable moment was when the bass player was knocked to the floor by the clumsy and incompetent drummer. Where the fuck was kirk's famous girdle??? I've seen less ugly blubber during an explosion at a whale processing facility. You are all cunts. I long to shit in your mouths. 

Ian

4:16 PM 
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Sunday, December 20, 2009 
 

Current mood:  geeky

XMAS HELL IN THE SNOW
Friday 18th December 2009
2 am is a time to go to bed for any civilized individual yet for scum like myself it was time to drag myself from the wank pit and face the horrors the day had to offer.
PREVIOUSLY IN THE SAD LIFE OF A THICK DRUMMER:
The night before this lunacy began I was sitting happily in front of the wood burner drinking cider and considering the benefits of an early night when, in true 70s style, there was a power cut which found me scrabbling on my hands and knees in the electricity cupboard feeling for a candle. I did not have a torch at the ready as I thought this sort of thing had gone out with the three day week and the ill fated government of Jim Callaghan. If I had Dennis Healy to hand I could, perhaps, have set his eyebrows ablaze in order to illuminate my surroundings but instead I found myself with a candle on a saucer reading a book in my striped pyjamas looking like wee willy winky. I only wanted to watch Gavin and Stacey and then go to bed. In the modern age this nonsense should not be occurring. I have noticed, during this final series that Stacey is the sort of moaning cow who you could quite happily punch in the face should you happen to be the sort of unpleasant git who indulges in woman beating.
Anyway, it seemed like no time after feeling my way to my 70s bed that the alarm went and, looking out the window, I noticed that the weather was just as good king Wenceslas likes his pizzas: deep pan crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel when a poor man came in sight loading gear into a van.
Such were the driving conditions that it was a struggle to get to the end of our road in a straight line but Tracy drove carefully as I clutched my breakfast can of Strongbow in nervous anticipation of disaster. The gritters had failed to do their job and it proved impossible to get to Del’s house by our normal route. Walnut and Del set off with dogs and sledges and we had to negotiate a treacherous icy path to get near to them. We found them beside a whale oil fire eating the beloved dogs they had been forced to shoot, their fingers and toes blackened by a cruel frostbite.
Once we had everybody aboard, including a drunken Chin who could barely stand, we set sail for London City airport but it was a slow and perilous journey. Remarkably we arrived in good time…..in good time to be told that our flight had been cancelled. The airline paid for a taxi to take us across London to Heathrow where we got a fight to Munich via Cologne but not until 3 pm. We had no choice but to drink. This was made easier when Walnut appeared from the toilets with a 100 dollar note. He said he found it but we noticed that he had worn holes in the knees of his trousers and the glistening remains of a mysterious fluid dotted his lips and chin. Free cocktails on promotion also helped to lubricate us.
When we finally arrived at the venue in Munich the V8 Wankers were already on stage and we just had chance to grab a bite to eat before change over. Our set went very well and, in order to celebrate this minor victory, I swiftly consumed 3 pints of vodka and orange, a deadly error as it turns out.

 


8.00 am and Dave has committed the cardinal tour sin. He has broken the number one rule and done the thing that you never do under any circumstance. He has had a shit on the bus. Also, Schmuddle (Guitar player with the opening band), awoke in dyer need of a piss, to discover his boots missing. After a good half an hour search of the bus we found them in Daves bunk with Dave cuddled up to them. As Schmuddle hastily put his boots on he discovered that one of them was half filled with a mysterious fluid. Draw your own conclusion!!! 

Henry is going to fine him one days wages.





There's no gluwien like no gluwien!

The market hadn't even opened yet!





Death Always Catches Up with You in the End !!

2:45 PM 
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Saturday, December 19, 2009 

Ian and Emma’s Christmas Adventure


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www.myspace.com/emmapost



 


After three hours to Paris in a driving blizzard and another eight across Germany I finally arrived in Munich. Minus seven degrees. Brrrrr! Outside the venue I encountered a shrivelled up Armenian hugging the till and informing me that I wasn’t on the guest list and the band hadn’t arrive yet. That bastard Ian. He had told me that he new the ugly drummer, Dave, and it was all sorted. I’ll swing for him I will.....


Em...x


Tonight I am very angry, perhaps the most furious ever. When I arrived at the Backstage with all my ancient and decrepit testtubes relics for signing the bastards were still living it up in the first class compartment of an aeroplane. The show, I must angrily concede, was inspiringly tolerable although the Star TREK uniforms were pitiful. Instead of the sleek Starfleet look I was witness to a tragic foursome of lumbering street drinkers whose appalling knitwear was only out (under) classed by the doonican style wooly of their goose stepping manager. I am now too angry to get to sleep and i am wondering where Emma, who agreed to meet me in her VW beetle actually is. I will try to get to sleep under this road bridge and hope I can get in contact with Ken Tankerous so he can take me to the next shambles of a gig. 

Furious beyond belief.

Ian

12:25 AM 
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