Horatio Lee Jenkins is still gone.  Deacon Fred has moved away too.  I am sorry that I have no news about Horatio other than that his brother and sister say he is fine, having fun seeing the world, and probably not returning anytime soon.

We miss him a lot.

Just before Deacon Fred left, he, Jimmy Joe Dan, and Scarlet put together a wonderful collection of Horatio's glorious music.  This CD contains:

1.  Drunker Than Satan
2.  Oh Sh!t I Don't Feel So Good
3.  Girl, This Bed Is Too Big Without All 12 Of You
4.  It's Okay To Be Gay

It also has 3 excellent bonus tracks performed by Horatio's family and friends:

5.  Peacequake (by Big Drugs)
6.  I Kick Ass Because I Hate Not Kicking Ass (by Scream Engine & The Carnage Caboose)
7.  Horatio Lee Jenkins Is My Friend (by Carl Dangers)

You can purchase this wonderful CD here.

http://www.cdbaby.com/horatioleejenkins5

I am sorry to report this, but it is true. I do not know where he went nor if he shall ever return.

The last time that I saw our glorious hero was about a month ago. We were all standing outside of Church after a wonderful service. Horatio mounted his glorious horse "Macho Pony" and shouted, "Bye! Bye, everyone! I had a real nice time drinking with you, but I got to go now! Bye!".

We were all a bit puzzled as we had never heard Horatio talk like this.

Reverend Boozenhower called to Horatio, "We'll see you at the Whiskey Barn next Saturday."

Horatio responded, "I won't be there, Reverend. My work here is done. BYE! I love y'all, but I got to go now! BYE! Drink responsibly! BYE, everyone, BYE!".

The women all began to cry and most of the men did too. I looked to Trafalgar and Scarlet for answers. They were not sobbing, but rather shaking their heads and rolling their eyes.

I pleaded, "Trafalgar, shall Horatio return?".

Trafalgar looked uncomfortable and said, "Deacon...hmm..uh...I don't know."

Looking for some reassurance, I asked Trafalgar, "WHY, Trafalgar, why is he leaving us?!?!?!?".

Trafalgar said, "Deacon, you're a great guy, but have you ever noticed that Horatio is a bit ...hmmm.... weird?".

I was perplexed and speechless.

Scarlet added, "Deacon, you're a sweetheart and we mean no offense. Horatio is a wonderful brother and he writes wonderful songs. We love him, but, seriously Deacon, you haven't noticed how ridiculously ...hmmm... weird Horatio is?".

We have not seen our beloved Horatio since that sad day. When worry overcomes us, Trafalgar and Scarlet simply remind us, "Horatio's tough. He out-drank Satan. He's fine."

Keep that wonderful sentiment in your heart and play his records when you need strength. I have enjoyed my time with you all, but presently there is nothing further to report. I believe Horatio may return someday. The world needs him and Horatio is not one to shirk responsibility.

We love you Horatio Lee Jenkins!

Sincerely,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith

The Charlatan (Carleton University, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada) e-mailed me some questions for Horatio Lee Jenkins. I printed them and brought them to him. His glorious answers appeared in last Thursday's edition. I have copied and pasted this glorious interview into this glorious blog entry.

Also, here is the glorious link to the story on the Charlatan website.

Enjoy this most uplifting and glorious interview!

Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith



A twisted take on country

The Charlatan's Elizabeth Aho interviewed musician Horatio Lee Jenkins through e-mail and got his take on romance, country music and what it means to be drunker than Satan.


by Elizabeth Aho


The Charlatan: What sort of things do you draw inspiration from in your songwriting?

Horatio Lee Jenkins: Here's what inspired my songs:
1. "Drunker Than Satan" is about out-drinking Satan and about how much Satan totally sucks.
2. "Oh Shit I Don't Feel So Good" is about feeling less awesome than normal because I drank a little too much.
3. "Girl, This Bed Is Too Big Without All 12 of You" is about being sad because one of my 12 awesome girlfriends was away for one night, but then being happy because another girlfriend brought over her sister and then being even happier because the next night I had 13 awesome girlfriends instead of 12.
4. "It's Okay To Be Gay" was written because I was mad that someone was mean to two of my friends just because my two friends were homosexuals. The good Lord didn't make us all the same and He wants us to be good to each other.

TC: Is "Drunker Than Satan" an autobiographical song?

HLJ: Hell yeah! I out-drank that sissy hellish ghoul. Satan is pathetic.

TC: Are any (or all) of your songs based on your own experiences?

HLJ: All of my songs are about stuff in my life.

TC: What do you hope to contribute to society and culture through your music?

HLJ: I hope to make both society and culture more awesome through my music!

TC: Is there a message that you hope Drunker Than Satan or other work of yours will resonate with future generations?

HLJ: Hell yeah, there is! Everyone should know how shitty Satan is. He sucks. My songs are about triumph in the face of adversity. My songs will help future generations kick ass.

TC: Do you see a timeless quality in your music?

HLJ: No my songs ain't timeless, they are all between two and five minutes long.

TC: What do you have to say to all those fans of depressing "emo" music today?

HLJ: Have a drink or five and smile because everything is going to be awesome.

TC: Have you ever written a heartbreaking country ballad?

HLJ: "Oh Shit I Don't Feel So Good" and "Girl, This Bed Is Too Big Without All 12 Of You" are probably the two most heartbreaking ballads ever written. But they tell inspiring stories and they are both uplifting as shit.

TC: Should everyone be listening to Drunker Than Satan?

HLJ: Hell yeah!

TC: If so, why?

HLJ: It'll make everyone happier.

TC: Do you think that fans of other music genres aside from country could get anything out of your new album?

HLJ: Hell yeah! Deacon Fred is always showing me messages he gets that say "I normally hate country, but I love Horatio Lee Jenkins!" Awesome music is awesome music. Genre don't matter. Like Mr. Ellington said, "There's only two kinds of music."

TC: What other artists would you compare yourself to?

HLJ: There's a lot of awesome music. I've spent my whole life studying the mathematical intricacies of Bach's fugues, the atonal elements of Stravinsky's symphonies, the harmonic and rhythmic innovations of Charlie Parker, and Dr. Dre's pioneering methods of composition and production, so I reckon that it's a bit ironic that these here songs that I wrote make their masterpieces look a little shitty.

TC: Would a live Horatio Lee Jenkins show likely result in crazy, drunken brawling, or heartfelt teachings on the evils of the devil?

HLJ: Ain't no one fighting at my shows. Everyone at my shows is happy as shit because it's awesome as shit to be at my shows.

TC: Anyone who looks closely at your MySpace page will get a grasp of your religious and political views.

HLJ: I ain't got no political views except for I don't think people should be shitheads to each other. I do have religious views. I am a Christian who believes Jesus was not joking when he commanded us to love each other and to be nonjudgmental.

TC: What is your take on love, women and relationships?

HLJ: All three are awesome!

TC: What kind of stamina do you need to get drunker than Satan?

HLJ: My kind.

TC: Your liquor of choice - is it really Jim Beam?

HLJ: Not anymore. I like the Wild Turkey 101 Whiskey a lot. I like a lot of liquor a lot.

TC: What's the hardest part about recording an album?

HLJ: Nothing. Recording is awesome.

TC: Do you enjoy playing live shows?

HLJ: I love it. It's awesome as shit.

TC: Would you ever consider going on tour and playing in Ottawa?

HLJ: My sister just showed me some pictures of Ottawa. It looks awesome. I ain't gonna tour until 2009, but, hell yeah, I'd play in Ottawa.

It is time that I addressed some of the questions which I am frequently asked about Horatio Lee Jenkins and his music. Among the most commonly asked questions are "How did his band get together?", "What did they do before forming this band?", "Where has Horatio been all my life?", and "This shit's fucked up! Are you guys for real or is this just a load of bullshit?"

In December of 2007, Horatio Lee Jenkins out-drank Satan and wrote a world changing anthem about that amazing experience. He recorded this song, and some later works of genius, with his band which consists of the most talented musicians in the world! You all know this. Now, I will fill you in on some of their pre-2007 musical history.

Horatio Lee Jenkins was born and raised in rural Arkansas. He comes from an eccentric and fascinating family. He has one brother, Trafalgar, and one sister, Scarlet.

Trafalgar is the oldest sibling. He is two years older than Horatio and twenty-two years older than Scarlet. Trafalgar is a very talented musician and one of the finest custom canoe builders on the planet. He was a fine student, but in February of 1979, only months prior to graduating High School, Trafalgar dropped out. He set out to travel the world so that he could study canoe design and construction from the finest builders across the globe. He returned to Arkansas in 1996 and has since firmly established himself as a master canoe craftsman.

In 1977, at the age of 16, Trafalgar started a band with his friends Sammy Deutch (currently Horatio's drummer), Jeb Jacobs (currently Horatio's bassist), Jimmy Joe Dan (proprietor of Soaring Bald Eagle Studios), and Sally O'Brien. They played psychedelic folk rock and went by the name Big Drugs. They were quite popular regionally. "Peacequake" was the only recording they made before Trafalgar left them in February of 1979 and I have posted it on a myspace page that I created for them. I think it is a very nice song.

In 1989, 21 year old Solomon Thornbrush (currently Horatio's lead guitarist/pedal steel guitarist) started a heavy metal band called Scream Engine and the Carnage Caboose with drummer Hans De Leon and bassist Horatio Lee Jenkins. Over the next 18 years, they recorded hundreds of Solomon's compositions, some of which became underground sensations. Titles such as "I'll Smash You Now", "You Can't Smash Me", "Smash Attack", "Get Ready For A Smashing", and "I Bet That Hurt" may be familiar to you. I have posted their best known song, "I Kick Ass Because I Hate Not Kicking Ass!" on the myspace page that I created for them.

Carl is from out of town.

Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith

Big Drugs' page:



Scream Engine and the Carnage Caboose's page:

Most of you know that the weekly gatherings at the Whiskey Barn are invitation only.  They have not always been that way.

About 300 of Horatio's closest friends have attended the Whiskey Barn gatherings each Saturday for quite some time.  As the popularity of "Drunker Than Satan" increased, more new people showed up each week.

Horatio's friends are a varied and diverse group of people and I believe that this came as quite a shock to some of the newer attendees.  One Saturday, a group of newcomers noticed a couple of our friends holding hands.  Apparently, the fact that this couple was homosexual angered the newcomers and they began to harass this couple.  Horatio gloriously and promptly put an end to the harassment and made it clear that hatred was not welcome at the Whiskey Barn, unless "it's hatred of digitally recorded music and computers".  The gatherings became invitation only after that sad night.

A few Sundays ago in Church, Horatio addressed our congregation, "I been thinking about that time at the Whiskey Barn that those guys were mean to Paul and Randy for being gay.  It got me to thinking that there's just too much hatin' in the world and if anyone can stop the hatin' it's me because I'm Horatio Lee Jenkins and I'm awesome!  I'm gonna play a new song at the Whiskey Barn next week that's gonna stop all the hatin' in the world for good!".

I believe this song has the power to do just that.  Once the world hears this glorious anthem, hatred itself will become a thing of the past!

Horatio Lee Jenkins, the WORLD'S MOST POTENT HETEROSEXUAL, now brings us a new uplifting anthem of hope, acceptance, and unconditional Christian love:

Horatio Lee Jenkins - It's Okay To Be Gay from Horatio Lee Jenkins on Vimeo.

Words cannot hope to capture the explosive power of the raging glory contained within this majestic motion picture!

For your own safety, please make certain that you are seated when watching this breathtaking film!

Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith

Horatio Lee Jenkins - Live In Concert from Horatio Lee Jenkins on Vimeo.

Horatio Lee Jenkins' newest masterpiece, "Girl, This Bed Is Too Big Without All 12 Of You", tells the story of a heart-wrenching night that he spent separated from one of his favorite lady friends and how he and his other lady friends persevered and found an inspirational solution to their dilemma.

I challenge you to listen to this work of genius without shedding tears. It is not possible!

Horatio Lee Jenkins has once again shown us that we can triumph over adversity!

You can purchase his amazing masterpiece here.

Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith

PS-I have posted the inspirational lyrics below.


"Girl, This Bed Is Too Big Without All 12 Of You"


VERSE I:

You said you were going to Bentonville for an important job interview
And you wanted one night off from the lovin' to sleep in your dorm room
This bed is built for 13 and you know that is true
The other 11 girls tried hard, but without all 12 of you I was a little blue

CHORUS I:

When you left I didn't know what to do
Girl, this bed's too big without all 12 of you
When you were gone my heart just turned blue
Girl, this bed's too big without all 12 of you

VERSE II:

Brenda rubbed my shoulder and Mary rubbed the other one
Sally and Jenny poured drinks and Sue and Beth got my feet done
Jodi danced with Patsy and Le Ann danced with Joan
Mindy danced with Kathy, but without you, poor Tammy had to dance alone (It was so sad)

CHORUS II:

When you left I didn't know what to do
Girl, this bed's too big without all 12 of you
When you were gone my heart just turned blue
Girl, this bed's too big without all 12 of you

VERSE III:

The other 11 girls sure tried, but my love is a heavy chore
They knew it'd be more fun, if we could have 12 girls like before
Mindy called her sister and she sure came through
And lucky for us, Mindy's sister is just as hot as you

CHORUS III:

Only now, did my heartache improve
Because me and the girls decided that we would replace you
When you were gone my heart just turned blue
Until Mindy's sister came over and filled in real well for you
But I can't wait to see you back here tomorrow night
HELL YEAH!!!

Scarlet has been working on these amazing photographs of Horatio's band mates for quite some time. She has accurately and eloquently captured the essence of these artistic giants.

Scarlet O'Hara Lee Jenkins is a true genius! Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith

P.S.- drunkerthansatan.com contains full sized versions of these beautiful photographs!


Horatio Lee Jenkins - Drunker Than Satan Horatio's Drummer Sammy Deutch

Horatio Lee Jenkins - Drunker Than Satan Horatio's Bassist Jeb Jacobs

Horatio Lee Jenkins - Drunker Than Satan Horatio's Piano Player Carl Dangers

Horatio Lee Jenkins - Drunker Than Satan Horatio's Guitarist Solomon Thornbrush

Horatio Lee Jenkins - Drunker Than Satan Horatio's Pedal Steel Player Solomon Thornbrush

Horatio Lee Jenkins - Drunker Than Satan Horatio's Band Jeb Jacobs, Sammy Deutch, Carl Dangers & Solomon Thornbrush

Carl Dangers is Horatio Lee Jenkins' pianist and one of the kindest human beings that I have ever known. Carl recently wrote and recorded a wonderful tribute to Horatio called "Horatio Lee Jenkins Is My Friend" and Carl has posted it on his page.

Horatio was not involved with this recording, but all of the other members of his band were along with his siblings, Scarlet and Trafalgar. Scarlet did the art for the CD and, just like Horatio's masterworks, the song was recorded by Jimmy Joe Dan at Soaring Bald Eagle Studios.

Carl and the band performed this song as an opener to "Drunker Than Satan" last Saturday night at the Whiskey Barn. All of us who were in attendance agreed that this song is really nice. I believe Horatio was quite impressed because he shotgunned a 1.75 of the Wild Turkey 101 Whiskey during the performance.

After the song had ended, Horatio said to Carl, "Carl, that's a real nice song. You're a good man, Carl, but in the future when you perform that there tune, please don't look in my direction so much. It's kind of creepy and you're kind of creepy and that song is kind of creepy. Carl, I'm awesome!".

I was moved to tears by the eloquence of Horatio's glorious kindness.

What an amazing man!

Please go to Carl's page, listen to the song, and add him as a friend. He is a really nice person.

Thank you,
Deacon Frederick Leroy Elroy Smith