The events of this past weekend, now that I am replaying them in my head, sound as if they are straight from a Chuck Palahniuk novel or a Tarantino film. Seriously, I couldn't have made this up had I tried.
Picture this:
The Setting: an overcrowded church auditorium
The Event: Gay Bingo
The Main Cast: Myself, Derek, Luis, and a middle-aged drag queen that we will call Sherin Widell*
Our State of Mind During Said Event: REEEEEALLLLY stoned
Now that you have the basics, let me further elaborate on Ms. Sherin Widell. I guess if you took the drag aesthetic from Priscilla Queen of the Desert and Torch Song Trilogy and smooshed them together... somewhere in that tragic mess, you would find Sherin. Don't get me wrong... I have known Sherin for many years... love her to death... still a fucking trainwreck. All MAC makeup and Aqua-Net aside, Sherin often gives off the vibe that she may stab you with a broken martini glass at any moment. She accomplishes this not by words so much as just the look she will give you. It is enough to make Medusa and Euryale duck in cover as if they were preparing for nuclear fallout.
We left Luis' house after visiting with Mary Jane and began, what seemed like, an endless walk to the church where the 'mos were gathering. The preliminary phase of Mary Jane's Wrath began after we arrived which includes endless (and quite vocal) laughter while also making everything out to be far more hilarious than it really is. Phase 2, which is mostly paranoia, settled in not long after we took our seats in the back of the auditorium. I suppose our clouded mindset was the cause of us not enacting some kind of plan to hide the remaining chairs at our table once we saw Sherin approaching to claim a seat. Ughh... 260lbs of unmoveable diva with homicidal tendancies coming right for us...
Keep Phase 2 of Mary Jane's Wrath in mind when you continue reading...
It was difficult enough to concentrate once the game began given my frame of mind at that time, but worrying that I might get shanked by the tranny sitting across from me played into that as well.
Halfway through the first game, I look across at Sherin to see that the bitch is gluing her fake nails on...at the table... in the middle of Bingo. Peculiar behavior, yes. However, she IS a drag queen, so i guess anything abnormal is normal in this case. I HAVE to describe the fingernails. They appeared to be part of an overstock of Lee Press-On Nails in a beautiful shade of charcoal black. Their length told me that she could have easily raked them down a chalkboard not unlike a certain child murderer on Elm Street. When one hand was completed she looked to me and made a clawing motion in my general direction like a harpy trying to snatch a carcass and said, "Tell me, Shaun... Do you think THESE are too much for the children?!" I just kind of cocked my head slightly to the left... whispered a "Hmm."... and returned to marking the letter "X" on the blue boards. Now come on! That WAS a peculiar thing to say and definitely a little offputting considering she is kinda cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs anyway.
The weirdness continued as did my levels of paranoia and my desire to find the nearest emergency exit...
Sherin then began to prattle off about issues that she has been having with her boyfriend. I don't know... I guess they were bickering about this and that. Whatever. My point is that when she describes a dispute with someone, she makes it sound like she is going to go all Snapped on their ass. That said, Sherin hauls her purse onto the table with a loud thud. It must have weighed a good 15lbs. She says to Derek, "Go ahead... look in my purse."
'Holy fuck... she's got a gun!' was all I could think. Mind you, Mary Jane was still kicking my ass at this time so of course the paranoia was through the roof at this point. I watched as Derek quickly rifled through the purse before closing the flap and saying "Oooh...very nice." I leaned in close to Derek and said "Oh my God! I thought she had a gun... is it a gun?"
To further convince me that the tranny was packin' heat, Derek's response was, "I don't know. I didn't really look close because I was worried it was a gun too."
Well, I didn't think it could've been set in stone any more than Derek pretty much confirming my suspicions but apparently it could. Sherin overheard me panicking to Derek and said, "Oh, Shaun... I only brought the small ones out. The big one is at home still."
Bitch just admitted to having not ONE but TWO guns in her purse. This crazy pseudo-tranny who talks like she is going to go postal on the entire room has a purse full of guns!
Luis was completely oblivious to anything that was transpiring at this time. This was evident with the fact that he took it apon himself to steal a package of Sherin's peanut M&Ms. Is he insane?! Why would he steal candy from a 200lb+ drag queen who has a gun... correction... TWO GUNS... and doesn't sound afraid to use them?!
Wait... there's more.
Following the whole traumatic experience with the guns, Sherin looks across the table at CiCi Le Chic* who is busy bickering with the table across from us in regards to who needs what numbers to win that round of Bingo. CiCi looked like a classy Hollywood stripper complete with a tight leopard-print dress, Shauna Sand heels, and ginormous Paris Hilton sunglasses. I love this bitch.
Anyway, Sherin overhears the friendly banter between CiCi and the hag at the table across from us. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a small leather sheath which held not one but two small daggers. "Here. Welcome to the family," Sherin says to CiCi as she hands her the blades.
About 20 minutes pass and I am still kind of watching Sherin out of the corner of one eye and looking for something or someone to use as a human sheild in the event of a hail of gunshots with the other. It was at this precise moment that she piped up with this little gem: "The voices in my head are talking to me."
I think everyone sitting at our table kind of slowly looked up from our boards at her at the same time... both with intrigue and unquestionable terror.
"Beatrice says hello," Sherin added.
The words that came from my mouth at that point sounded like a child cowering in a corner, hiding from the Boogeyman. "Who's Beatrice? Is she nice? Does she tell you to hurt people?"
Bingo ended not long after that and I am pretty sure I climbed over tables and patrons to get the fuck out of there.
*the names of these individuals have been altered to protect any interested parties from acts of revenge