I started dating again... dang it's a jungle out there...

So... some back story... several years ago, i thought i met the man of my dreams.  He was perfect for me (not that he was perfect).  We had instant chemistry and appreciation and companionship for each other.  Fast forward to the break up.  He decides to get back with his ex-gf.  I am crushed.  I get emaciated (for me).  I need to deal with anxiety issues.  I cut off contact.  Eventually after a long mouring period, I venture out into the dating world again.  I meet a great guy, but we weren't meant to be (see blog SAD).  Ex is trying to get back into my good graces again... i let him back in, and he promptly flakes out on me... again.  This then sets up a cycle for the next year or so.  Keep in mind i am still not dating...

So last year, i decide to get out of my funk and give it a go again... i try E-Harmony... after all my last 2 bf came from Match.com and those didn't ultimately work out, why not let that scary Neil Clark Warren guy (does he or does he NOT look like a cult leader??) help me with my choices?  So tried it with not much success for a couple of months... met some nice people that i am still friends with, but no chemistry.  I eventually give up and go back to being crazy pet lady....

Then, i had a discussion with my therapist (no, i am not ashamed to admit it... i go talk to someone once a month :) ) about my not being able to get out of my rut and maybe i am holding out hope that He Who Will Not Be Named will change on of these millenia...  and she says "it's actually the lack of hope..." i said... "huh?" and she says "it's the lack of hope that anyone else will be that strong a connection to you..."... WHOA NELLY

I thought about that for several weeks.  It rocked my world.  Totally... and it really freed me up.  and i thought... wtf!!!! I am the Queen of Optimism.  I can have fun in a paper bag!  Nothing gets me down for long!

So, a few weeks ago I started "putting it out there" again.  I went out on a date this past week... IMO went really well... I was happy with the results and feeling saucy... then... sigh... all signs point to he's not that into me.

I know i know... got to dust yourself off and get back on the proverbial horse... but geez... can't Karma cut a girl a break???  I have never cheated on anyone, I am kind to old people, animals, and children...  I eat my vegetables, excersize regularly, floss, and give blood... WTF is it my turn????!!!!

And sadly, it took a reminder from a friend of mine NOT to hump this guy's leg... I often am the aggressor (sigh... i know i have a more guy-like personality, but it's nice to be pursued too!) and i was almost going to do my thing with being cute with emails/text messages, but i got a call from a friend of mine whose GF broke up with him... again... and needed a sympathetic ear.

So here's the deal friends... if you are putting in all the effort, whether or not you are initially dating or have been in a relationship for a while.... he/she's not that into you...  and there is someone out there who WOULD be that into you.  People who are interested make it obvious that they are... people who aren't are aloof or try and break up with you for "space".

Someone remind me of that next time i morosely look at my phone.

I can survive long boughts of celebacy... just cause i knocked off the rust recently doesn't mean i can't hibernate for another 1.5 years of no humping. (not that I am counting).

Guys always say they like boobs, eyes, smile, and a sense of humor on a girl... add the big hiney i have and THAT'S ALL I AM... so enough already!  Where is my prince?  Seriously... tell him to hurry up... mama's getting lonely. 

    so, last night on a whim, my friend Michael calls and asks if I want to hang out with him in the gay ghetto down in Long Beach.  I was actually working, so that was fine, and a good way to take a break.  So, the place that we originally were going to go wasn't open due to unforseen issues with the liquor board.  Michael then suggests another restaurant in the area. 

I meet him there, and am having a lovely time chatting and then something catches my eye.  I look outside and there is my last ex (who "lone rangered" me...  aka... rode off into the sunset leaving me to wonder, "who was that masked man"?)  He was getting into a car with a girl and a guy and looking like he was having a grand old time.  Now, silly me, I thought I was over him because of the f*ed up way he left things.  But OH NO... life is not that kind :)

I felt like i was kicked in the chest by a horse... and I sat there staring... getting instantly jealous and then tearing up right there at the table.

I still don't know why it's such a slap in the face, or why i reacted so strongly.  We both knew we weren't a forever thing.  We wanted diametrically different things.  I got it.  I wasn't fantasizing my wedding or what our first child would look like.  But.  I did get attached.  And he was my best friend for a while.  I still miss him.  He disappeard in early March and I haven't talked to him since.

Although it took me a while, i actually only just removed him from my AOL messenger list last week.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Now, Michael, being the sweet gay man that he is, says "this is a sign.... you should text message him and tell him you saw him".  HELL NO sez I.  It is so easy to pine for someone when you are lonely.  And I have to ask myself, what is the point?  He clearly didnt want to be with me (hence the disappearing act), nor did he want things to end on a positive so we could be friends some time later.

If any friend of mine were telling me this story i would scream "RUN... THE MAN IS AN ASS.... WHY PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THE PAIN"....

but of course it's me, so I dont have any distance or objective sense of the situation.  All i can do is feel bad and cry. 

So here i am... sad... on a lovely sunday night, because I had a chance sighting (btw, he didn't see me) of someone i still (apparently) care for.  Maybe I am not ready for this whole dating thing.

But at the end of the day... i am just.

Sad.

The Book of Love- Peter Gabriel.... it SHOULD be like this :)

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing

But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb

But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know

But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings

And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings

And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings