Fear of Flying

I realized how much I hate flying.  Not the actual flying or taking off or landing � or even the lack of doing any one of those successfully � it�s all the collateral benefits that seem to always accompany every flight without even having to ask. 

Like the guy whom is always waiting for every plane that I am, who obviously is the highest ranking businessman in the history of free enterprise.  He is also the same person who thinks that since he is in a different city than the �screw-up� that he is talking to, that he has to talk as loud as he can into that thing in his ear; that I can only assume he stole from a Star Trek museum.  The same person that thinks it is perfectly acceptable to cuss no matter who the �heck� is around him. 

This is after a worker, who clearly would rather be anywhere else, goes to second base on me and then tries to steal third at the security check point. 

Then the perks you get after boarding the plane.  I really hope that the pilots enjoy their jobs more than the attendants.  While watching an intricate choreography of movements that do not seem to have anything to do with what the speaker is saying, I realize that the attendant has either skipped a step or just got off track and has no ability, whatsoever, to wing it (no pun intended).  I hope that we do not go down because I think that she just indicated that the emergency exit is under my seat and a floatation device will pop out of a compartment overhead, or maybe it is a snorkel or something. 

Then the guy on his third $8.00 6-ounce Jack �n Coke who is carrying on an incredibly self-complementary conversation with a girl 2 rows ahead of him. 

I am thankful for something � I am thankful that I am not 6 foot 6 inches and 300 pounds like the guy a few rows up � or the guy sitting next to him. 

Now, upon landing, how about the 30 people who immediately and simultaneously flip open their cell phones to tell someone, who must have been holding their breath or something, that we just landed and we are not off the plane yet.  I can almost hear the satisfaction on the other end of their phones.  Or, the 75 people who jump right out of their seats so they can cram themselves into the aisle and stand for 10 minutes so they can get into the airport 42 seconds before me. 

Rest assured, there is still one thing to look forward to, if you fly somewhere, you are probably going to have to fly back. 

By:  Burt Shackleton

June 28, 2007