ook.

Point a:

So heres whats been going on,  I didn't get the grade I want in English literature so I'm resiting the exams i did the worst in. I was screwd for a while about it , specialy since I had just broken up with Jozie at the time also. If people want to know why, we just drifted apart,  it wasen't for anything bad, we both just had a talk and agreed it was for the best.

-couths- ok So i have been with my current girlfriend Kippy for nearly 3 months in about 12 days, after the routh time I was having I decided I wanted to get out of macc so I went up to scotland on my own , I stayed in a great B&B for a few days in a place called Largs, I met kippy for the first time and for the record, we didn'y hit it off instantly because we had never met before but, I soon realised before the first day with her had even ended that I had found a girl that I didn't want to let go, and soon I think she thought the same about me.

She really helped me relax and calm down, I came back to macc and  slowly got a bit worse, so alx helped me out, I don't know why alx helps me even after the stuff i did to her, i hope she realises that she means loads to me and i wud never want another best
friend atfer her is she left shes the greatest friend.


 I now see how lucky I am, I have a girlfriend who will travel from glasgow just to see me ( which she did in half term, was an amazin time) and a best mate who will always be helping me<3

I now have a job at the bridge hotel in prestbury, tis hard work, and i dont enjoy it much yet but the people are nice and after all, its money!]

I have also nearly writeen 10,00 words of my book! wooopla

ps:

Kippy, with out you, i know I couldn't face each new day, you picked me up, you see so much in me that I don;t, when i say things I shuoldnt you convince me that im wrong and that you love me, and well...i believe that, if i ahd choose any one to be with and never be with any one else, it would be the girl that makes me feel truly alive again. you.

Ok. Time to clime out of the comfertable whole into which i fell, to be honest, I am begining to work to the root of my problems slowly but surely. Life has always been good with a tint of pain in it. For many differnt reasons, it mainly started in primary school where I was basicly, an angry child, I never got on much with the others and i had a tendency to be violent and mean, then as a result in high school i became , well basicly one of the year, freaks, constantly bullied by everyone, both above and below me in years. I always felt missplaced, tourmented , i often escaped to the internet and games to take my pain away, one such game was runescape, my friends at the time were, fun but, when i left fot college it became clear they had no intrest in me and well, my wings slowly began to open.

I got my first job in dominoes pizza and left after being accepted to my new job, then later at sainsburys, I failed probation because I was not interactive enouth with the customers, at the time i was dating my first, serious serious girlfriend, faye. She was awsome,  sadly, things went bad, situations and people led to states of  time when i would be always upset, fearful and panicy, and as a result my new found college friends belived me to shunning them.  I soon began to self harm a lot, drink a lot and came onto anti depressents. After a holiday in Italy and time to think i decided to shed my life of faye and co and, i have hardly seen or spoken to them sunce, i do miss them some times but, again it was not for me.

Then came sixform, I once again changed into a kinda of scenekid/j rock wana be mix, I was always loud and jokey with my new bestfriend joel, but sadly good times as i found , never work out and joel and I grew quickly apart after a certain incident, i also started to have a few more relationships with people, the most prominant of which would be with Jozie. Jozie in particular was a puzzle to me, I kept going back to her, but sadly, we would never work, we were two wrong pieces of a jigsaw, part of a big picture destined to have met briefely yet, not to match perfectly, i soon turned sour on her after seeing her out one nite when she said she was ill and our dying embers of friendship fianly blew away.

And now? Where I am I left I wonder.

I have found that my depression is an arm of social anxiety which explains a lot of my problems and reasons for the way i feel when im out and about, slowly but surely I am changing my thought patterns. I didn't do the best in A levels but fuck that, I never do well at the first try, GCSE proved that, I have what it takes, just because i need to take more times doesnt make me any worse, infact it makes me feel stronger because i know that i can do it if i try. I am going to re do my japanese brake through and fianly nail that.

As for my love life, well I have been talking to a friend for around 2 1/2 years, i can't rememebr how but, we found out we liked each other around the time I split with jozie my head was in turmoil and i couldn't see a way forward, so i decided to go away on my own up to Scotland, to a town called Largs. It was just what I needed, I met the friend who promptly became my girlfriend, i asked her out online originaly and in person, she said yes again, she made my visit fun and relaxing, we went along beaches at largs, saw Glasgow. She gave me her necklace which i wear everyday as a sign to prove my love and devotion to her.

so here it is:
1) prove my love to her
2) get a job
3) get the grade i want for a level lit
4) do lit
5) go to japan
6) change the way I think
7) take life as it is, hard, yet fun.


With this new, look on life, I know i can make it, no matter how much time and effort. It's time I stand up and take control of my own life for once.

Kippy, thank you for a great week, you really helped me, i love you! <3

I am very un happy.
Very very un happy and I am begining to really realise now I am out of sixform that I won't see any one again, who wan'ts to see me? Even I don't wana see me. But still, it hurts like crazy and to be honest I wish some one would come tell me that they give a shit because, I need some one to. I am 19, not old I know but, Sian, Joel and many many more people are younger yet more inteligant, loved and happy with themselves than I am. I doubt many people will read this. It's just, I have no job,  no money, I am ugly as pig shit and, the person i felt closest to no longer needs me in there life. I wan't just to take all the money I have and hide away somewhere, but I can't even do that becasue I don't have money. I know other people have it worse than me but with no one to turn to and no where to go I feel completely...useless, a waste of oxygen. I'm not saying this so some one will tell me I am worth something even though that is a part of it I won't deny.but it's mainly....crushing me, it feels as if I have nothing to live for anymore, i sit around doing fuck all, wishing, hoping that some how my life will cease to be pointless and that I will have some direction.
I'm just...hurt.
Fucked up and fianlly getting ready to give in.

Yoo.

New blog much.

Lets see, A levels are out of the way for the time being so I am now job hunting and not sucseeding haha. My time is pritty much ocupied by msn, myspace and simpsons watching. Fun.
I haven't shaved in 2 days and I allready have a mustach..hmmm gross.
Anyway, yeh due to the lack of a job i have been pritty blank lately due to to much time doing naff all and no money! but erm, hey i'll get a job if i keep looking. I need to do some more art actuly, I haven't done any in a while hmm.

Boom, right, ok , well I am still with jozie whic is ace, she is working two jobs ( WOW ) so i haven't seen her much but she's a star to be able to do two like she is,  I am going to get and convicne her to get her lip pierced soon ehe, she'd look cool no? Anyways yeh were fab and even though she ISNT commenting my blogs we still love her.

I HAVE 1020 BLOG VIEWS...kudos to me.

Oh, I only have 17 kudos....LAME.
OOOH I have been talking to Kippy a lot again now I am back on msn,  i forgot  how much fun we have being complete idiots and talking about shit, it's ace except if you saw our convos youd swear we were stoned haha! anyway she's awsome say hi..HIIIIIII, yeh...she also like baloons, i hate them, they fucking burst and make you shit yourself! NOT GOD

AH at the end of the blog  I gues, I will miss some people from sixform and if you read this have a good life and I hope to see you some time XD
To the people I hate, I DONT HAVE TO SEE YOU UGLY FUCKS AGAIN haha, Joel you are NOT included in that I will miss you my crazy crazy friend!

Anyways thanks for reading folks XD

mikey out!

Blog.
I haven't done one in a while and I thought it was about time to get on with it.
Less than a month till we brake up from A levels, some one us will make it, some won't. For me I know I fit into the second catergory most likely, I had to take an extra year just to be a the same level as people younger than me. But you know what, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but, fuck it I know what I wan't to achive and by the heavens, I will get there. So to those who are fretting, rememebr, ure smarter and younger than me and if I am making it, you will definatly pass with flying colours. Chin up.

Jozie, eight months now. Still no commonts on my blogs...Dang it woman comment! I just want to say that this time will be hard on us both, but if your willing to make this work rather than quit and run  then I will be incredibly happy as I don't want to lose you anytime soon. Or as in fact, anytime at all. I hope we can last through this turbulant time.

Ok I know I have said this a lot in blogs but fuck, I am but fugly. My hair dosen't know whether it's coming or going, I dress like a tramp. ( I know I don't but hey) So I have been searching , drawing and figuring out a style that is me, a mix of, emo, j rock and a tiny bit goth. So expect most likely slow change as I also need a job first see.

Anyway I would like to say a big thank you to myself for not giving up on life like I wan't to, a big thank you to Jozie and a big thank you to Malbro cigerettes. ^.^

Comments will be returned with pic comments etc.

I don't know how many, if any will read this but a song made me realy think, even though we talk we never truly communicate emotionaly, especialy with me it seems.

This song is ' The sound of silence' by Simon and Garfunkel, a weird song but it tells a truth, I actuly reaserched into song after hearing a version of it at the end of a Simpsons episode about grandpa Simpson. But I digress, I know now that I mean little to many of you and I realise why. I always complaied that now of you acted if you cared even if you did, I would just like to say I'm sorry but, I spend most of my time alone now, and I like it.

However I have realised to late that I am not going to make my dreams come to reality as easily as I can in my dreams, I'm going to realy work my ass off, I'm sorry to say i'm going to try and blitz Japanese so I can after next year, move to a university in tokyo , but it would require a lot of work so I'm also going to try for English Uni's but, in the end I am moving to Japan, one way or another no matter how long it take's me, It will mean leaving a lot of people, maybe people I love with all my heart but England is a sespool of human filth where decent people are a rareity.

Anyway, beuty, fuck. I can never look as 'Hot' as I wan't to but you know, I'm a hypocrit, I always say I hate how I look then I say I like how I look and that I shouldn't care but I do. Why is it we are so obssed with beuty? But a bit more practice with a comb, straighteners and spray will soon have me feeling better I assure you!

I actuly wan't you people to comment on something for me, if you truly care, what is the meaning of life? We struggle just to make money, to live, to love, to work, to die. Yet, in there I think the answer lies, we live for the sake of living, for me, living is siting in a green field in the middle of the countryside and seeing nature, untouched by man and in the distance a city that scars the beutiful landscape and to be able to turn next to me to see the second beuty in the world, human beings. I admit , I find all humans except realy repulsive ones beutiful in their own way but none so much as the love of my life, I realy feel angry about the things I do.
I always acuse my self at being a shit guy to her but I have something to let out, she healed a broken heart, when I'm around her it feels as if I am wrapped in a shield where no harm can befall me. This is the meaning of life, to love, to see the beuty yet to feel the pain and see the ugly side, life is a coin with the good side and the bad side, we have to see both sides of the coin and each day the coin is tossed and we get a side, it can never be all good, and never all bad.

Either way I seem to be writing an essay so I shall wrap it up, thank you for reading again I ask you to COMMENT. Thank you to these people:

Jozie: I don't need to say why, if I do, then we have a problem.

Toshia: My myspace/ gaia budy, you realy make me laugh and, you make sense, you live far far away but your a great friend.

Sian; I feel I have grown closer to you as a friend, you realy make me laugh in literature and your classic , intelligent comments never fail to make me smile. Thanks for keeping me 'sane' in lit!!

Anne-maire: for saying you missed me, old friend, I missed you to and, I miss you old gang despite my bitching.

Alx: for still being my best mate!

However there are some people I want to say this to, you have let me down, I tough you were serious, I helped you and you won't even take the time to send a message, you know who you are, one i saw as an elder sister, one an elder brother the final some one I could relate to, I will say in person if you don't realsie it's you and message me , I dont belive you will realise im talking about you but, this is the end of our 'closeness'.

The end.
Me thinks, COMMENT.

All reet folks, I wanted to put some stuff up as I haven't seen any of my friends in a long time now.

You know it's love when one of you never gives up in a fight, through the worse you stick like stone ( thank you scrubs) . I can't say that love is easy but, it's a good feeling to be able to hold some one closely and tell them that you love them, it makes the days seem less blank.

I have 8 piercings now, 3 in each ear, both lobes are streched and two normal peircigns abovee each. Also snake bites. I took the bridge piercing out because I just didn't like it to be honest.

I smoke to much lately and drink way to much coke. If you see me drinking coke STOP ME. Please.


Sixform is going well, it's hard, I'm feeling always ill and tired but fuck it, this is life, life aint an easy ride. Got one psychology piece sorted, one more to do, thanks to Sarah I know the study so I can finish that. Language study on emos is also going pritty well.  As for friends as six form I am worried about one friend to be honest, I hope things sort out for him. Another friend keeps me sane in lit and gave me the title of ' diet sabatour' hehe.

I don't EVER see a lot of people anymore, I never seem to be in the mood to go out or I'm ill. I miss Alx a lot, she's like a best friend, i'm sorry I haven't seen you in ages hun, I hope your ok.
I don't miss one girl, she never seems to care for me, I loved her as a friend I thought she would never chuck me away, you know who I;m talking about if you read this, you meant a lot to me, you still do I dont know why.

Life, well. I find my self having a lot of time to think, to much thinking is never good, I have realised I'm nearly 20, why the fuck am I doing nothing, why do I watch cartoons. Christ. It gets me mad but it's who I am I gues.

Any way, Mikey out.
Peace.

Ugh.
I'm sorry to say this isn't a happy blogage.
I'm incredibly lonely, I realised after going to the woodman on friday that I have lost all confidence in talking to people I don't know. I also realised because of this I made a friend sit with me instead of other friends she had their.
It also hit me like a brick in the face how unloved I am,  I never get people talking to me, outside or online, or even on the phone. It's rare for me to get messages or for people to ring me and say lets just us chill.
I ask you, what is so unlikeble about me? Realy? Because none of you no matter what you say actuly seem to truly like me, am i desperate? am I just plain annoying? am I not  what you want?
I spend 80% of my time alone. Is that fun? NO. It freaking hurts to think I have no best friend, my only friend is my psp.
I have Jozie, she is the only person that actuly likes to keep me company even though lately I been feeling that she dosen't but I think that is just paranoia, 5 months when she gets back from her visit which is ace, been a great 5 months.
I just need to know, along with being ugly, un-talented a hypocrit and many other fings am I now nothing? I know to most of you I am more of an aquentince now even if we were once close.
Their are three people who have hurt me the most, I won't name names but I belvied they would always talk to me, want me to be their but they don't. All i say to them is ' you broke my heart, in a friend sense ofcourse not a lover sense'.

good news:
Sixform, since Jozie's been gone and my lack of friends I have been getting a lot of work done, it's given me a boost and confidence in that at least. I have found a band I love to bits that I haven't heard in ages.
5 moths with jozie nearly!!
I have started to dress a bit more comfertable to me, how ever I still love my drainpipes.
I have passion to draw again. I have smoked a few cigs though ( BAD ME) which calmed me down yesterday when I was freaking out abotu failing at life.

Any way not that any of this matters.
Blog over. Beam me up scotty!
....fuck it.

Well, I'm 19.
What can I say, my birthday pub gathering was pritty ace, It was nice to see people and actuly realise they don't hate you. I get so pesamistic about people liking me it's unreal. The day it's self was the best I have had in a long time, my wonderful girlfriend kept me company, watched a movie and ate wierd japanesse snacks! yum! Except we thought we would give the half burnt half un-cooked cake a miss lol.
At first I thought I 'have' to mature now I'm 19, but to be honest trying to force my self to be mature just wouldn't be me, I think you grow up when you wan't to grow up.

Valentines day sickens me, or to be more acurate the way it's presented is by companies such as hallmark and others. I do belive love lasts a life time even if the partnership dosen't, yet they ruin the three words 'i love you' , every once meaningul way of saying I love you that would make a woman feel that it's truly meant has been taken and shat on by these companies.

Job Hunting again on monday, take out my lip rings me thinks and have studs, easier to put in and out as rings look worse also.

There are a few people I  don't like, except I realised that I haven't grown up in that sense, the people I truly despise are from when I used to be in college, yet it was none of the college people except one who is still trying to get with Jozie, it's sickening yet funny at the same time because he dosen't stand a chance.

I am judgemental even though I am in no way perfect, to tell the truth I realy dislike my self because I never belive I am good in any way, luckly after 4/5 months of being with Jozie, (even though it has felt like a week since we went back out) I can actuly look at my life and smile.

Sixform is a bit hard yet I'm not trying as much at the moment as I seem to kee[p getting ill thanks to my neice being ill constantly. I'm doing well in japanesse and music. I have the best girlfriend ever. I have good friends.

All I need now is a job.
Money is a problemo, I have zero moonies and I owe parents moonies to!