And even her voice annoys me now - and somehow now that detail seems to be angering you. And this ongoing fight between me and her continues. I thought you were my friend - and you understood how I felt about it since this started to begin. And that's why you used to defend me. Bc you started to notice things. I mean I don't expect you to be on my side. I mean she's your wife - but you understood my side and realized about most things I was right. 

And I was defending her brother bc of how she treats him. I mean god forbid if he gets sleep or anything - she wouldn't dare let him. But today you yelled at me. The first time you went againts my feelings. And I fell in defeat. The only point I was making was that she was always trying to be "queen bee." But she's not to me. She's the equivelent of me. She has no right to yell or scream at me. She has no right to tell me how to feel or think. I could care less if she's five years older than me. She's just as mature if not less than me. 

But I guess you've gotten sick of my "bitching". Maybe I just get so angry that I've gotten so used to letting go of my feelings. Maybe I should just shut up and let it go until I leave. Good idea maybe? I just have a small problem with authority - especially when I don't believe someone has any over me. 

But I can't yell back at you. Bc to me if there's any alpha here it would be you. You are the only opinion that I care about when it comes to living here. Or anything that happens around here.  I just can't wait until I leave this place. I mean this is all so ridiculous. And I know there will be a lot of rules to follow at this new place. But I'm sure it will be better than this. What do you think? Sort of - kind of - maybe?

Reading today's horiscope has just had me thinking. And I guess it all makes since to me.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)5/23/2009

You might feel as if your schedule is out of your control today as the Sun forms an annoying quincunx to demanding Pluto in your sign. The more you attempt to make things right, the worse they get. The smartest thing for you to do now is to simply let go. Keep in mind that this is not about defeat; rather, it's about conserving your energy to apply it where you can be more productive.

By Rick Levine, copyright 2008, Tarot.com

I found the song on Youtube!

And even though you know it's stupid - when they say they care you believe them. Bc in your heart you want to believe their good ppl and you can trust them.

And sometimes they really are good at heart. Shit just doesn't go as they plan and they really don't mean to break your heart.

Then there are ppl that always seem to get themselves in the wrong situations. They know they'll get hurt  - but once they fall for someone - getting involved is no longer their decision. 

And there is always someone else with the one they fall for. But once you fall - you can't seem to help but open that door. Sometimes you're lucky and they'll let you open it. They'll accept and let you and the fire is lit. They kiss you back and tell you they care. And for once you are so incredibly happy - although you're sad bc you know that for the other it isn't really fare. And when the one you fall for breaks it off with the other - you are so happy, yet sad bc you believe it was all bc of you.

You think you're finally going to be happy and get what you want. That break from the pain, crave for love and complete lonliness - is that so wrong to want? But then he/she says "you're thinking too much into it." Really? You wonder - did you really mean any of it? And this was from someone you know isn't heartless. From someone you know in your heart believes in true love and happiness. 

But you drift apart. And you find others to attempt to give your heart. But they will always be second best. They won't work out no matter how much you try to forget and put your feelings for the other to rest. And sometimes your life goes crazy with other things - and you eventually forget them temporarily it seems. But no matter how much or how many times you think you've gotten over them - as soon as you look at their picture - the tears come back to your eyes. And all you want to do is cry.

They will always love the other. He'll always go back to her. He'll make these horrible decisions - even though you know he's so smart its ridiculous. He runs away - does drugs - never calls you to even say hi and tell you he's okay. But when he's with you - he tells you how much he cares - and he's sorry that things have to be this way. And you know she's sad and hurt too - bc he does the same things to her as he does to you. 

Sometimes you don't hear from him for months at a time - and you're sure that he's forgotten about you. That you're invisible - and he no longer even notices you. What happened to the person I once knew? I guess I knew this was all too good to be true. If you read this - you wouldn't even know it was about you. And no matter how long I forget you - you're memories always float back - and there's nothing I can really do. 

I feel bad for her I really do - bc I know what she must be constantly going through. At least she mostly has you. Or rather - at least she's had you. And no matter how many times my friends say you're not the one for me - the images and memories of you keep coming back to me. They're slowly suffocating me. I believed you when you said you cared for me. But why did you make it all secret and everything? Why couldn't anyone know but me? Did you not want her to find out or get angry? I know that you're an honest person - I don't believe you'd lie or anything. At least not about these things. But sometimes I wonder what you're really thinking.

I guess watching Roswell has really got me thinking. [lol] I really want the love that Max and Liz have - and I swear its killing me. They have to go through hell to stay together - but I would do it all - just to have it - I'd hold on to it forever. And even though Tess was a lying, Self-centered, ruthless skank - she was his wife. She was part of his other life.

 I don't believe that you're ex is anything like her. I don't think she could ever be anything like her. I think she pretends to be mean - but inside shes sweet - honestly that's what I believe. Maybe she's angry about me - but as far as she knows - I'm just some bitch who likes you - and I guess she has a right to be angry at me. I kissed you while you were still with her. But I'd never want to hurt her. She just happened to be part it all - and it doesn't matter bc kissing you got me no where at all. 

I've tried to forget. And this time I really thought things were finished. I thought I had no feelings anymore. But truthfully I still care - the same as before. But you have your life and I have mine. I guess I'll just live life and hopefully one day it will happen - and you'll be mine.

I'm going away - I'm getting out of this place. I don't know if I'll come back. But if it's meant to be - life will just go the way it should - and stay on that path. I heart you more than you'll ever know. That's the truth - I'll never forget you - no matter how far you run or go. 

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)4/30/2009

You'd think that I'd learn from past experiences. Everyone says that you have so many possiblities - but all I feel are closed in fences. You'd think I'd know who to trust and to not. And I know when lies occur - but somehow I always over look them bc I care for ppl a lot. I guess I just want to believe that everyone is good at heart. But somehow no matter what I do or who I meet - I'm always wrong from the start.

Everyone says I have these gifts for sensing and intuition. Idk but when I trust it nothing happens - when I don't - it's destruction. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong in my mind. I feel like somethings missing - something I need to find. And I have these gaps in my memory of time. I can't remember parts of my life. Which is partly why I've always wanted to be hypnotized.  

I always end up in the same situations just different ppl, I've said this at least a thousand times. I just wish I could figure out why. Is this just a coincidence? Or is this supposed to teach me something? I'm not sure any of it makes sense. I guess I'm just supposed to believe. 

[To be Continued]

You see romantic love as what's most important in life. A deep connection with someone else is the primary thing you crave.

You live a life of leisure. You take your time in every aspect of life and enjoy it to the fullest.

You're willing to take a few risks in life. You may not take the road no one travels, but you're happy to take the road less traveled.

You tend to be a workaholic. You overwork yourself without ever realizing it and sometimes suffer the consequences later.

In another life, you could have been a great artist. You trust your creative instincts enough to let them lead you.

The Road Trip Test

Might as well face it, you're very addicted to love.
But you're not really getting the deep love you seek.
Short lived, dramatic relationships are more your style.
Let go of needing someone, and you may find someone you actually want.

Are You Addicted to Love?

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