I'm ready to graduate and get out of this place.  I can't win no matter what happens.  It seems that I'm either hurting myself or my friends.  I did that tonight and I feel like shit for doing it.  I've got another year and few months.  Then I'm going to grad school.  When I leave...I really don't think I'll be coming back.  I don't want to be around my family, and I don't even want to be around my best friends.  I'm not happy, nor have I ever been.  It seems that there isn't a place that is far enough away from anyone.  Hawaii or Australia are about as far as I could go, but it still isn't far enough away.  Spring break is coming up soon, and I think I might not be here, unless I have to work or something.  I want to go somewhere that is not here. 

So I've finally found my perfect school that offers exactly what I want for a major.  And of course, it's one of the places I'll never get into.  Scripps Institute of Oceanography.  Masters in Marine Biodiversity and Conservation.  Grr.  I'm pissed now.

Whatever.  I give up.

So it's been a random week for me.  But then again when is my life not random?  Oh well, back to the point.  So this week flew by.  Really fast.  I really don't remember most of it cause it went so fast.  It pretty much started last Friday.  Didn't really do much except go over to Kyle and Wendell's for Kyle's birthday.  We watched Rocky, which I didn't get to stay for long cause I had to be up super early in the morning.  So Saturday I went on a dolphin cruise.  Worst possible decision ever!  We got stuck on a sandbar for like 3 hours...in the cold and wind...at least it wasn't raining.  I was planning on warming up and going to bed, but I got a text saying that i was going out anyways.  Anna was in town and I went with her, Cody, Shannon, and Sierra to Club Hush.  I had a lot of fun there.  I saw my first drag show...which was amazing.  Shannon and Sierra left before I was ready to go so I went back with Cody and ended up staying at his place.  He hit me while we were sleeping.  And he's a bed hog.  Next time I'm gonna be the one beating him up.  I didn't leave until like 2 the next afternoon (he had already left for work before then).  Jenny and I went to the activity house to watch the Super Bowl (which sucked) and I went home and slept until I had class the next day.  Totally flew by and before I knew it, it was 7ish.  Cody and I cooked dinner (of which I had to leave for work before it was done) and then Jenny, Cody, and Sara brought me some...and Cody made me eat meat...I was not happy about that (yes I'm a vegetarian if you didn't know already).  Tuesday was Tuesday and I got off of work early and went home and was very antisocial, for which I called called a bitch for.  The only interesting thing that happened was that I had left my keys in Cody's car Monday night and had to walk to his apartment from mine and wake up his roommate to get into the apartment so I could grab Cody's car keys to get my car keys.  Wednesday was nice out and I also had a marine chem test that sucked massively.  We didn't have PRiDE which sucked but whatever.  Thursday took another test and wrote a paper.  Yesterday was slow for the most part but then Jenny Amber and I started drinking, then Shannon and Sierra came and joined us.  Casey brought over some more alcohol, then I went and picked up some more alcohol.  Shortly afterwards, Cody came over.  Amber wanted to go to the club, so they decided that if it was more than just them, we would go, so Jenny and I went with.  Jenny and Amber saw their first drag show, which was interesting for them.  One queen really sucked, but the other two were good.  One of them even got a standing ovation she was so amazing.  We were there until almost 3am.  We got back and Jenny and I sobered up and watched the end of Lord of the Rings and then went to bed at like 5am.  We were up at like 11am and went out for lunch...and had the worst service ever.  There was a baby on the other side of us that kept screaming....we wanted to punch the baby (Dane Cook reference).  We went to Sally's after that and came home and dyed my hair.  It's not quite as purple as I wanted it to be...so tomorrow I'm going and picking up more stuff to make it purple purple.  And now I'm sitting at work and I'm bored and tired and my week has finally caught up with me.  So I'm ready to go to bed, which is likely what I will be doing as soon as I get home.  So I'm going to sit here and listen to music, and work on SUW stuff.

Jess

I can't win.  I've done all this work for SUW, starting last spring, and I wasn't even an officer.  I was their go to girl whenever they needed something.  And I wanted to be president.  So I was voted in.  But then the former officers dumped everything on me and Jenny and bolted.  We were so lost on what to do, so last semester sucked.  Things were starting to look better for this semester and we had a date set for the Discovery Cove trip.  That weekend is booked solid.  There really isn't any other weekend we can do it cause that's our three day weekend and we need the three days for driving and everything.  So I just want to go jump off the third floor balcony.  And I almost started crying.  Yes...me...crying.

I give up

And it ends in a black hole of depression.  I can feel it coming.  I've been there before so I know the signs.  There's new stuff that has come into my life that should be making me at least a little bit happy, but none of it is.  That alone makes me depressed.  So it just adds up more and more...and it irritates me.  I'd like to advert the coming cycle of this, but unless I go on meds, I don't forsee that happening.

So for those of you who don't know, I'm bipolar.  Technically no, I haven't been diagnosed, but I show all the signs for it.  There's also a history of mental disorders in my family, mostly on my dad's side.  I'm calling couseling services tomorrow to make an appointment.  Hopefully I'll be able to get some answers.

So now onto the cheerier side of me (that is if I really have one at the moment).  Other than my impending issues, things have actually been going well here.  I'm back at Coastal, which means I won't see my family for quite some time.  Some of you may knock me for being happy about that, but if you knew me and my family, you'd understand.  I'm the odd one out in my family.  I'm the hardcore liberal in the group of conservatives.  I'm bisexual, and the only one like that in my family.  Granted, most of my family does know, and are okay with it...but I still haven't told my parents, nor do I plan on doing so in the near future.  My biggest fear about that is that my mom would disown me.  I know how she feels about it and I couldn't take that type of rejection from her.  I'm also the only non-christian in the family.  I'm a Pagan-in-training.  My mom is (apparently...though I'm not so sure) okay with it, as long as I'm a good person.  I'm also the only one that likes tattoos and piercings.  Also, my parents might lose some good friends if the bi-Pagan thing reaches their ears.  They are the hardcore conservative christians who are adamantly against that.

Okay back to good stuff (and this is starting to get very long).  PRiDE has been a lot of fun this semester, and I'm getting to hang out with more people (you know exactly who you are), so that's a positive.  I think maybe, I just need to take my mind off of things and not worry about everything so much.  Maybe that would help improve my mood. I don't know.  I think I'm just randomly babbling now.  So that probably means I should end this blog.

Jess

So I've had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate.  School has just started and I'm only a year and a half away from graduating.  I can remember being in high school thinking that it would never and and waiting impatiently until college.  Now that I'm here...I'm not ready to get into the real world.  It scares me more than you can imagine. 

But now that the semester is going, I'm getting into a routine, and it's about to get broken again.  SUW is starting up again and being president, I have to run that whole thing, plus being in student government, and PRiDE, writing for TEMPO, plus I have a job at school and I'm working on a paper to get it published.  I HAVE to get my advanced dives in by the end of the semester, plus I'm starting my senior thesis in May.  I've got way too much stuff here.  It's a good thing I don't have to worry about a boy/girlfriend at the moment...that would probably push me over the edge.

I still haven't made my appointment for counselling services...and I really need to.  I know I'm messed up in the head...but that's cause of everything that's happened over the years.  And let's not forget my emotionlessness.  I don't cry.  Hardly ever.  And that's not a good thing.  Something painful happens...I barely even notice it.  When I got my most recent piercing...I was told how much that hurt...I flinched...but barely even felt it.  And I don't think I've ever been truly happy.  Not since I was a kid...and that's more naiveness than happiness.  As an adult, you see all the horrible things life brings, and you try your best to either ignore them or overcome them...I still haven't been able to do either of those.  Being happy is def something that has been eluding me.  Whenever something comes into my life that could make me happy...it gets ripped away from me before I even have the chance to enjoy it.

On a positive note...I've still been losing weight...and that makes me happy.  Now all I need to do is quit smoking...and I want to.  So we'll see how things go over the next couple of weeks/months.

Okay that's the end of my ranting babble.