Awake, I am before the dawn
Seeking solace from the cold, empty bed in which I sleep
Finding it, only in the warm memories I have of you
Even being those memories are somewhat painful
It is better to be alive cause then at least you know what is real
For reasons I cannot begin to fathom,
For ages now, I feel that this is only right.
That WE are are two opposed charges attracted to each other
Not because of physical or chemical attraction, which is cold and meaningless
But because we, like all things in this world, seek to be nothing
Seek to merely cancel each other out and exist in a state beyond normal
Many reach for but few attain this supreme dimension
The more time I am away from this, the worse it feels
I'm just a ball, looking for that one goof to complete me.
I have found you, I will fight for you, I will NOT loose you
And, most importantly, you will NOT loose me

Deliver us from evil, from hate and disgust
Deliver us from suffering, from tyranny and oppression
Deliver us unto that which we truly deserve, nothing more and nothing less
Deliver us in love, to love, for love.  For it is love we are made for.
Deliver us from those who would lead us astray in our thoughts, words and actions
Deliver us to those who would help us, make us better, keep us straight
Deliver us from fear, from the dark and disbelief for these are the roots and
Most of all, Deliver us from ourselves, for we are our own worst enemies and it is from ourselves that we must be saved.

Ok, I dont feel human anymore.  I know that sounds very weird but thats how i feel.  Not more than, not less than human, just different from human.  Sometimes I feel human but most of the time, I feel different.  I think that I've come to realize too much.  I've had too much time and I think too fast.  Maybe this means that some of the conclusions I've come to are a bit hastey but whatever. There was a large period of time where I was basically dead.  I went into myself and just thought.  I came out almost a year later a different person.  And it went down hill from there.  Not distracted by some of the other stuff I was before I still had too much time to think and the more I thought about stuff the more I've some to realize and so I think that through this process I realize too much and it has changed the very essence of who I am.  I feel life I've narrowed down life and made it too simple and some of the beautiful complexity that I once craved so badly has dissappeared and in some sence Im saddened by that.  I've sort of come to fear and relentlessly enjoy my time alone because there is no one there to judge my thoughts but me and I can be the worst judge on myself.  The worst part of all of this is that in all this thinking I've confused myself more and I dont know if realizing that makes things clearer or worse.  Proabably worse.  There are a few things that I am certain of though.  Nicole is one of them.  I really believe that Im meant to be with her.  That first night, I dont remember what I lost but I know with all my heart that I gained soooo much more than I could ever lose.  I hope she can realize that it's not just infatuation and not just for that reason we talked about in the car.  I dont think about that event.  I just think to the future and I dont see much but what I do see is her.  Bright and clear and calling to me.  Something else Im certain of is my faith.  I truely believe in what I believe in.  I have a set of beliefs that the church it self might not agree with but one that Im almost certain that He does.  And of course my family.  Im certain of them, that they are there for me if I need them and I wont be far away if they need me and that I would do anything for any one of them.  I just wonder what exactly I have become.  Am I human, am I less, am I more?  What am I?

My sins are numbered, Just as the bones of my body.
And, truely, I know them.
They are not a fault of the country or times.
But are all a failing of myslef.
It is of my own accord that I have fallen.
I only pray that, through grace and forgieness,
I may be allowed to truely live.
In this life and the next.

Today's topic is a word.  That word is Nakama.  Roughly translated from Japanese it means "friend".  There is, however, this funny thing called a cultural translation.  You see, from what I can gather of this word, nakama, means more that just friend.  It doesn't mean aquaintance, it doesn't mean just friend.  It is the very meaning of the concept of a friend that this word implies. It means the perfect friend, the ideal friend, or at least as close as we can come to a perfect, ideal friend in this life and this world.  Those who have nakama or are considered nakama know what I'm getting at.  Nakama is almost another word for sibling.  These are the friends you would die for without a moments hesitation, who you talk to till three in the morning even when you have to get up at four, friends who would be sitting next to you saying, "Dang, that was a lot of fun," as you both ride away in the cop car.   At this time, I consider myself a very lucky young man.  I have more nakama than I know what to do with and I feel very blessed to have all of you.  Unfortunately, when I was younger, I didn't have as many nakama.  At most I have five or six.  I know who they are and I hope you know who you are too.  They were the only gang I ever belonged to and one other person.  Now, our little circle of nakama hung out everyday and did many many things together.  Alomost everything, because we had no one else but each other.  Despite the intergroup status there were many things that were left unsaid and some rifts began to grow.  I am at fault for some of them and others are at fault for something worse, not stoping and even encouraging them.  And so, graduation rolled around.  We realized what was happening and it all spilled out into the open.  At this point, in spite of our status as nakama, we all grew apart.  I can't say how others felt but I was devistated that our group had shattered and disbanded.  At this point, it was all fueled by the one person who I thought would always be my nakama, the one who would stick with me and I with her.  I've been doing some serious thinking these past few days and have decided that is not what nakama do to each other.  We were all nakama, equal in name and stature and for all of us to become what we have, it almost makes me sick.  The others left, but I did not.  The others spited and began to hate you but I repressed that because I felt we could still be nakama.  And it feels now like you have taken that and thrown it in my face.  I type this as tears run down my face, for it is a tragic thing.  The loss of one nakama can be devistating to the group but for one to drive the others away is almost unthinkable, to drive the others away and then run.  Yes, you've tried to make up for it and it's all backfired and what not and what has it made you want to do?  Leave.  Yes, that is how you repay us for everything we did for you, for the long nights, for the good mornings, for the memories and wishes.  Yes, that is how you fix what was once the most important thing in your life.  You leave.  And so, leave.  We are no longer nakama.  As much as it kills me to write that and to have to tell yout this way.  It wasn't enough, what you did and are doing now but you have to leave too?  It's done now.  I'm done now.  I hope that you get everything that you wish for, but it wont include me, your last nakama.

When will we be men?  First, what is a man, or more speciffically, human?  Human is what we all are.  We are all equally created in the eyes of what ever maker you happen to believe in.  Let start freaking acting that way.  While watching a recent foreign film about WWII, a thought crossed my mind.  This though was wondering about the good old days when men were treated as equals and we were all just men.  I quickly realized this was bullshit.  It was worse in the past and only seems better these days.  The movie was about Arabic soldiers fighting for the Friench in WWII.  They never got leave, were treated as second-class people but were some of the best and most loyal soldiers that France had during the war.  I found myself feeling sorry for them and wishing they had been treated better in that time.  I discovered that these feelings were also bullshit.  In just about every war there ever has been, there have been soldiers like this.  And not just in forgein countries either.  It's been very prominent in US history too.  But the point of this blog is not to point out inequality in wartime but in general.  I'll admit that this all may sound like some Foamy the Squirrel stuff but that doesn't remove the truth of it.  Lets start with illegal immigants.  The only reason it's such a huge problem is that lazy, fatass Americans feel that the work immigrants do is beneath them and think that because Mexico, or where ever these people come from, is a second rate country and therefore the work done by these people is also second rate.  Look, I would gladly do this work and being an American citizen, I would get paid well because it's hard, nasty work but let me tell you all something: hard, nasty work builds character, strength and allows for development of work ethic and respect for others who do the same sort of work.  Its absolutely rediculous.  Granted there are other things behind this and its all intricate and complicated and I cant just narrow it down like this but being a man of equal value as anyone else I have a right to say what I want.  That is the point of this.  The point is that we are all human, we are all men.  It is that simple.  In the world today, we have all sorts of labels and all this PC bullshit that we have to follow for fear of insulting somebody.  Well I tell you what, there is no black, no white, brown, yellow, mexican, hispanic, latino, chinc, negro, nigger, spic, cracker, honkey, gringo, slave, free, or anything else that you can think of.  There is not of that.  We are all people and are all created equally, we all came into this world in the same way, we all breath, think, feel and die.  We all function the same way.  We are all human, we are all men but most importantly we are all in this together.  It's time to drop all this other bullshit and just help each other live as best can given our time in this life.  

I stare out these emotionless windows
Wishing the rain to come and cheer me
Looking over at this dying thing
What is this beautiful creature trapped inside me?
Could it be the soul, the soul that no one sees
Could it be the love, hate, fear of that which we dont know
He is starved but constantly eats of the Bread
He can live but what is mere existance
The aura fades quickly now
He lays down to rest, its eyes close slowly
will it be worth the pian to open them again?
Only time may tell
 

And you shall be my sorrow
And also my joy
Through this trial shall we go
Though we shall go together
It may tear through us
It will break us and bring us to the edge
A trial by fire to prove what is real
A trial in pain to show us capability
But through this pain shall I endure
And through this trial we will survive

And lo the truth shall set ye free.
This is a lie. 
The truth is a burdon
not easy to bear
it is a weight dragging me down
to the insanity of the depths
of human kind and beyond
The truth sets no man free
and what I wouldnt give to be no man