ZORTRON'S PRE-EMPTIVE DOOM LIST
2007
BEHOLD PUNY HUMANS I, THE MIGHTY ZORTRON DESTROYER OF WORLDS, WILL VISIT DOOM UPON YOUR PLANET!
I'M NOT SURE HOW JUST YET. I WAS THINKING SOMETHING IN THE VEIN OF A GIANT PURPLE FORCE WAVE SCOURING THE WORLD CLEAN AND THEN MAKING THE PLANETARY CORE GO SUPERNOVA!
OR
SOMETHING INVOLVING WHIPPED CREAM!
Haven't decided yet…
REGUARDLESS, YOUR DOOM IS NIGH AND I WILL GET TO IT EVENTUALLY!
BUT…
THERE ARE THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE DESERVING OF DOOM SOONER THAN THE REST, THEREFORE I AM RELEASING MY PRE-EMPTIVE DOOM LIST!
BEHOLD!
ADAM LEVINE OF MAROON 5 – THIS ONE IS OBVIOUS TO MOST AND HOPED FOR BY JUST AS MANY! HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THE MANY REASONS HIS DOOM WILL COME SOONER: 1 – BRINGING BACK DISCO. 2 – THE "LADIE'S MAN" IMAGE; JUST BECAUSE YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HOT SUPERMODEL CHICKS IN THE VIDEOS DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE A STUD… YOU'VE PAID THEM TO LOOK INTERESTED IN YOU! SHEESH!
DICK CHENEY OR, MORE PRECISELY, THE ALTARIAN CYBERNOID THAT REPLACED DICK CHENEY! - THIS MAY NOT COME AS MUCH OF A SURPRISE TO MANY OF YOU BUT YES, DICK CHENEY IS A KILLER CYBORG FROM ANOTHER PLANET! HE SHOOTS DEATH RAYS FROM HIS CHEST, I LIKE A CHALLENGE.
WEST, THE CHEERLEADERS BOYFRIEND, FROM HEROES – AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S KISSING UP ON CLAIR EITHER… THE ONLY THING MORE AANOYING THAN AN EMO BOY IS AN EMO BOY ON TV. HIS FAUX SMOLDERING INTENSITY MAY PLAY WELL WHEN SHOPPING FOR GIRLS JEANS AT "HOT TOPIC" BUT IT DON'T WORK ON SERIALIZED TELEVISION. I'M SURPRISED HE DIDN'T INVITE CLAIRE TO CHECK OUT HIS DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL T-SHIRT COLLECTION.
I WOULD HAVE ALANDRO OF THE DEATH TWINS ON THE LIST ALSO BUT SYLER BEAT ME TO HIM.
SOLJA BOY – I BETTER HURRY ON THIS ONE, COME ABOUT MARCH 2008 NO ONE WILL REMEMBER HIM!
MICHAEL BAY – BIG SURPRISE, RIGHT. IT'S AMAZING HOW HE GET'S AWAY WITH IT! IT'S NOT EVEN THE TYPICAL COMPLAINTS WITH HIS MOVIES; THE PAINT BY NUMBERS PLOT, THE A.D.D. INDUCING EDITING, THE OVERWHELMING FLASH OVER SUBSTANCE! HEY, IT'S A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE ABOUT A TOY SERIES! NO WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME IS THAT WITH ALL THE MONEY AND RESOURCES AT HIS COMMAND HE STILL CAN'T STAGE A DECENT ACTION SEQUENCE! BE HONEST, THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD EVEN TELL OPTIMUS PRIME OR BUMBLEBEE WERE IN A FIGHT IS BECAUSE THEY HAD SOME COLOR! ANYTHING ELSE WAS A SPINNING PANNING TILTING SWOOPING MESS OF GUNMETAL GRAY AND DIRT! I KNOW MOST OF THE TRANSFORMERS SOCIALLY THEY WERE VERY UNHAPPY, THEY WANTED WES ANDERSON! SO NEXT TIME YOU MOAN ABOUT HOLLYWOOD RAPING YOUR CHILDHOOD DON'T BLAME MEGATRON.
PEOPLE WHO MOAN THE THEIR CHILDHOOD HAS BEEN RAPED BY HOLLYWOOD – THERE IS A KNIGHT RIDER TV MOVIE COMING OUT SOON. SO HOLLYWOOD HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED TO DONKEY PUNCHING YOUR CHILDHOOD.
MICHAEL VICK – FOR NOT HELPING HIS TEAM COVER THE SPREAD IN THAT GAME I HAD A $100 ON… WAIT, THERE WAS SOME OTHER REASON TOO?
COLBIE CAILLAT – ONE OF THE TOP 3 MOST ANNOYING SONGS OF 2007 AND CONTENDER FOR TOP 10 OF ALL TIME "BUBBLY" WILL BE USED BY JACK BAUER FOR HIS INTERROGATIONS IN THE NEXT SEASON OF 24.
JACK
(YELLING)
TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB/MICROCHIP/KIDNAPPER/PLOT DEVICE IS!
The terrorist remains silent. Jack gets right in Akbar's face, glowering.
JACK
Just so you know you brought this on yourself.
Jack puts in earplugs and fires up an Ipod, it's playing "Bubbly" from Colbie Caillat. Akbar winces in pain. Jack watches stone faced as the terrorist starts to bleed out of his ears by the second verse.
JACK'S SIDE-KICK WHO WILL BE DEAD OR BETRAY JACK BY HOUR 13
Jesus Jack he's going into saccharine shock! Stop!
PEOPLE WITH VANITY PLATES – HAVING "1QTJETTA" ON THE ASS END OF YOUR CAR IS NOT WHIMSICAL, IT ANGERS ZORTRON! (BOLTS OF COSMIC ENERGY SHOOT OUT OF MY EYES VAPORIZING YOU AND YOUR QT JETTA)
THE RELIGIOUS GROUPS THAT ARE PROTESTING "THE GOLDEN COMPASS" – SINCE IT WORKED SO WELL FOR HARRY POTTER! THE BRITTLE, REACTIONARY FORCES OF "THE TRUTH" ARE GOING AFTER IMAGINATION ONCE AGAIN! THEY CLAIM THAT THE STORIES ARE DESIGNED TO INDOCTRINATE KIDS INTO ATHESIM. DOES IT BOTHER THESE PEOPLE THAT THEIR BELIEF SYSTEM IS SO FRAGILE THAT A CGI POLAR BEAR CAN SHATTER IT OR ARE THEY UPSET THAT ATHEISTS ARE STEALING THEIR TRICKS! TALK ABOUT INDOCTRINATING KIDS! GOD HAS EVERYTHING FROM "VEGGIE TALES" TO NOAH'S ARK COLORING BOOKS! NO ONE BUT RICHARD DAWKINS SCREAMS ABOUT "BIBLE STORIES FOR CHILDREN" BEING AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL COSTCO!
GET OVER IT!
HERE IS THE FUN PART: MOST ADMIT THAT THE MOVIE WILL BE WATERED DOWN BUT THAT KIDS WILL WANT TO READ THE BOOKS AND BECOME INSTANT ATHEISTS. THIS LOGIC HAS FLAWS: 1 – IT'S LIKE GETTING ANGRY AT A BIG MAC BECAUSE IT MAKES THE KIDS WANT A WHOPPER. 2 – AFTER HARRY POTTER, KIDS WON'T READ BOOKS ANYWAY. WHAT THEY SHOULD WATCH OUT FOR IS "THE GOLDEN COMPASS" VIDEOGAME ON Wii.
TIA TEQUILA – FOR SOMEHOW MAKING AN MTV DATING SHOW EVEN MORE ANNOYING AND VAPID THAN USUAL.
MASTER CHIEF – HE WON'T EVEN RETURN MY PHONE CALLS! REMEMBER WHEN WE SHARED THAT STUDIO APARTMENT IN THE KILL'O FIEND SLUMS OF MARTOAC PRIME? REMEMBER WE VOWED TO EACH OTHER THAT WHEN ONE OF US MADE IT WE'D HELP THE OTHER GET OUR FOOT IN THE DOOR? WELL I GOT SOME DIRT ON YOU MISTER BAD-ASS SPARTAN! LET'S SEE HOW THE MEDIA WILL REACT TO THAT "ART FILM" YOU MADE BACK THEN! YES, THE LINGERING KISS YOU HAD WITH HITMAN IS STILL IN THERE.
THERE IS THE LIST, CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED IF YOU ARE ON IT! WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT BAM! COSMIC BEAMS SHOT OUT OF MY EYES WILL VAPORIZE YOU AND ALL THAT WILL REMAIN IS A BAD MEMORY AND THE FAINT SMELL OF OZONE!
AS FOR THE REST OF YOU, YOUR DOOM IS STILL NIGH! I PROMISE! TILL THEN HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
I HAVE SPOKEN!
"DOOM" THE FRAGRANCE IS AVAILABLE AT WALMART.
ALSO READ ZORTORN'S BUSINESS MANAGEMENT SYSTEM BOOK: "THEIR DOOM IS NIGH! – THE APPLICATION OF SHEER TERROR AND GODLIKE COSMIC POWER IN EVERYDAY BUSINESS" AVAILABLE FROM PYRE BOOKS.