Hi Leyla,

I really enjoy your articles as you are so realistic and on track with the struggle in dealing with an addict. Our 16-year-old son is a binge drinker and dabbles with other drugs too but alcohol is the big enemy in our house. It's hard to get him to see what a problem it is as he drinks so much he has blackouts then thinks he acted fine. He has been to outpatient rehab programs and AA but really doesn't like the AA philosophy as he doesn't like to think he has to submit to a higher power. It's put a strain on our 25-year marriage and has caused us to totally doubt our parenting skills. I feel like the worst mother in the world right now. At one time I would have told you that if the child is doing well otherwise, don't hassle them too much about occasional experimenting however now as a parent of an addict I have changed my mind.

How do you know (until it's too late) if your child has the "gene" that will and can result in a true addict? You don't. So that's why I think ANY drinking/pot use should be discouraged. On the other hand though, I would rather my child smoke pot than drink. The ramifications with him are far more acceptable with pot than drinking.

You may have addressed this in a prior article, but at one point did you decide to send your youngest to a wilderness treatment program? I am ready to do this if any further problems come up but my husband is very reluctant we will anger our son so much by doing so that we'll lose him forever. We are very ambivalent about the cost, of course, and if it would work or just make things worse. You always hope your child will just eventually mature out of their addiction but in the meantime, your household is under enormous stress. Life should not be this hard!!

Keep up the good work.

– Stressed-out mom

Dear Stressed-out mom,

I must commend you on sharing part of your story. Living with someone suffering from alcoholism and addiction is enough to put anyone over the edge. The lines of reality become blurred and so many parents are where you and your husband are right now. This does not come in our parenting handbook, nor are we defined by the behavior of our sick children. We must not only discourage drugs and alcohol to our children, we must send them a clear message it is not tolerated! It is not acceptable for a child to take mind altering and chemically toxic substances. They are not adults, yet we make excuses allowing and minimizing this behavior because it requires more energy to stand in defiance than to simply look the other way. It is a fight worth engaging in because their bodies can't handle it.

We are not bad parents. I am an excellent mother who just so happens to have to sons that suffer from a cruel and twisted disease. People don't mature out of addiction and alcoholism; it's a progressive disease with no rewind button. And waiting for an adolescent to hit bottom is old school…they die. This being a family disease I cannot emphasize enough that you and your husband get to an Al-Anon meeting, preferably a parent focus meeting for your own sanity. Have you asked yourselves why you are you trying to reason and rationalize with an alcoholic? Let alone a minor, you are the parents and legal issues aside; you MUST do for him what he is not able to do for himself. He is sick and needs treatment. Binge drinking and blacking out at any age is serious, at 16 his body and brain chemistry is different than an adult. Both of my sons hated AA and NA when they were using, why would an addict or alcoholic want to sit in a room full of people talking about being sober when they themselves are drunk or high? I did an intervention on my 16-year-old son because I knew I was losing him. It costs as much to bury my son as it does to get him the help he needs. This should have you both scared about more than angering him and wondering if treatment will work. It is obvious the system in place now is not working. You husband is right, you just may lose your son forever.

LEYLA FATIMA

The month of June is graduation season for so many families. My memories of my son's high school graduation are, no surprise, definitely not traditional. As I spotted my handsome graduate on the other side of the auditorium, I impatiently made my way through the mass of people, only to reach him and find he was now eager to celebrate with his comrades. He had decided to turn in his gown before that long-awaited mother and son Kodak moment. When met with my stunned disappointment he became angry, and what I had looked forward to for 18 years vanished in a moment as I watched him drive away with his friends. This is only one of many experiences leading me to refer to alcoholism and addiction as "hijacking" my children.

Last week, I attended Harbor drug court to witness my son along with many others stand before the Honorable Commissioner James Odriozola, a title this man well deserves. My son would read his essay requesting approval to advance to Phase 1 from Commissioner Odriozola and the drug-court team. This team consists of his probation officer and representatives from the public defender's office and mental health services. This day in particular also happened to be graduation for two members of drug court. I listened to the graduates speak with gratitude for what they had accomplished and the support they felt in drug court. Tears were bountiful on all sides of the courtroom. This program is strict, as well it should be. Commissioner Odriozola is clear in his boundaries and expectations of zero tolerance, but not in the way one would assume. He spoke of how lies and deception destroy trust, and how difficult trust is to regain and how disrespectful it is to lie.

The drug-court participants presented Commissioner Odriozola with their fourth place (out of five) trophy for their softball team within the drug courts. There was laughter at the fact they almost came in last place, and the commissioner read the inscription and said, "This trophy is a spirit award. I would much rather have that than a first-place trophy." At that moment, for the first time in years, I realized I was co-parenting with the members of the drug-court team and the commissioner. The values I have worked so hard at instilling in my children were now being supported through the irony of my son's arrest and his multiple felonies. In the end, the loss of that traditional Kodak moment with my son would have meant very little if that is where the story ended.

I have heard there are proposed budget cuts for the mental health department, which would have an impact on the drug-court program. My son summed it up best in his essay: "I am an addict and will be for the rest of my life. I know it is because of drug court I am not using today." How do I place a price tag on his life or any life? I would find it hard to believe that those seeking budget cuts have sat in on a graduation ceremony such as the one I experienced. If we expect those who suffer from addiction to make sound, responsible decisions with an addicted, impaired mind, then our expectations for those of sober mind, in position to make or break the success of programs like drug court, should be held to the same standard.

LEYLA FATIMA

Lately I've been reminded of a time in my life as a parent when most crises could be remedied by a day at the park and an afternoon nap.

This nostalgia is not entirely the result of my "premature empty nest syndrome," but related more to a recent conversation with my son's friend John (not his real name). I suspected he had smoked marijuana with my son four years ago, when my son was 15 1/2 , and asked him about it.

Defending himself he said, "I never smoked pot with your son. All I ever did was a shot of alcohol with him the night I took him to his first rock concert. It's not like I got him drunk, it was just a rite of passage."

This "rite of passage" belief system is one that I have come up against time after time in dealing with both of my sons' addictions. Having a drink as a teenager is as widely accepted as a rite of passage as getting a driver's license. I have been told to "lighten up," don't make such a big deal over a celebratory toast at a wedding, or family function.

I don't hold John responsible for my eldest son's addiction. What I find infuriating was the minimization of his irresponsible actions with a minor entrusted in his care.

According to the American Medical Association and the results of two nationwide polls in 2005, "adults are the most common source of alcohol of teens 13-18." One out of four ..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />U.S. parents with children ages 12-20 agree that teens should be able to drink at home with their parents present. A staggering 76 percent of parents are aware that their children have been given alcohol from another parent in a friend's home.

We have a family member who believes in the moderation of alcohol and marijuana. His gifts of poor taste to my sons included a Bob Marley T-shirt with a marijuana plant on it, and a shirt that read, "I believe in drug testing. Which one shall we test tonight?"

These gifts are reflection of that rite-of-passage belief system; and a dire need for adults and parents to look in the mirror at their own drinking and drug behavior. I fail to see the honor in giving a child alcohol and drugs. My challenge to adults who choose to provide alcohol to teens, perhaps to be the "cool" parent or your child's "friend": Next time pick up the phone and tell the other parents that happy hour is at your place and have the courage to let them decide if they are willing to forgo their judgment for yours.

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