(My new column's up at Examiner eulogizing ER, gone after fifteen years. Back at The Blue Area, here's one of my favorite columns from the last year for your weekend entertainment.)

Last night, Lovely Wife Kimberly and I were eating at Chick-Fil-A. We were out shopping, and stopped in to grab a sandwich. However, we forgot it was "Kids Night," where anyone bringing a screaming child gets a free chicken nuggets kids meal. It seems like the offer was doing a good job of driving traffic to the restaurant, because it was so full of kids I thought the Jonas Brothers were giving away autographed chest hairs in the lobby.

Anyway, while we were eating I overheard what may be the silliest complaint ever. This man, his wife, and two kids were sitting behind me, and an employee walked over to the table to tell them something. Using my powers of observation/eavesdropping, I heard the employee politely apologize and explain to the gentleman that on Tuesday night, every child receives a free four-piece nuggets kids meal when an adult buys a dinner.

This guy was rudely complaining that his boy couldn't get a six-piece meal for free.

He told the poor employee that it wasn't clearly indicated anywhere that the free meal was a four-piece meal, and dismissed her saying he'd take it up with the upper management.

Is that what we've come to? We're complaining because we don't get enough free stuff?

This disgruntled customer, we'll call him "Mr. Douche," continued to complain on and on and on right through rude, then thoughtless, then to the point of comedy. Half of the people at his table ate for free, but that wasn't enough. Meanwhile, my 401(k) account is shrinking like wet cotton candy, and Mr. Douche is upset about fifty cents worth of nuggets.

I was afraid this guy was going to hire a shady lawyer, sue for deprivation of nuggetry, and call me as a witness.

"Have you or someone you know been unjustly denied your full nuggeting privilege? Did your son or daughter have to suffer the indignities of not being completely full of free food? Call me. I'm Brock Biffman, 'The Hammer of Justice." As a semi-licenced attorney, I'm dedicated to getting you your full free meals worth of chicken, regardless of whether or not it was offered.

At Brock Biffman & Associates, we don't get paid...until you get full."

We complain about the stupidest stuff sometimes. This Chick-Fil-A offers a "Kids Night" where kids not only get free food, but also get to play in their playground, a giant human hamster habitrail where kids can climb, run, and generally exhaust themselves. It's not like your standard terrifying fast food ball pit, all full of human waste and pointy things. It's really nice. If they had a night where they let adults run around in it without fear of societal scorn, I'd be there every week.

The worst thing about the situation was that this guy was sitting here complaining loudly in front of his kids. Little Billy and Bonnie were hearing Daddy rage about the injustices of only getting four nuggets for free instead of six, and you know that's going to warp their little minds.

Fifteen years from now when bodies start showing up in my town, bludgeoned to death and left in an alley with two pieces of chicken left behind as a calling card, perhaps I'll be the only one who can solve the mystery of "The Mad Nuggeter."

This was one of those moments I really wished I wasn't a public figure. I would have just walked up to the table and handed the guy a pair of nuggets, and saved his kids a lifetime of therapy.

"Pardon me for interrupting, but I thought I might be of service. Here are two nuggets for each of your children, along with an array of sauces and dips for your perusal. There is justice in this world, children, but you won't find it in a deep frier. Never stop seeking it."

And then I would turn on my heels, and make a dramatic exit, stage right.

The Friday Popcast is back, with today's show enhanced by gratuitous percussion. No, seriously. Everything's better with a tiny bit of drums.

Today, we talk about why kids would think of Spring Breaking in Mexico, why everybody hates the octo-mom, and why February is The Month No Cow Would Die for me.

More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (8.4M, 9:00m).

Like many of you, I watched the Oscars last night. Good show, I thought Hugh Jackman did a great job. The opening song was really good, although I still don't know why we make the host sing to start the show when we only have a movie musical about every three years. I blame Billy Crystal.

Anyway, Jackman was good. He can sing, dance, act, and he's Wolverine. He's got across-the-board credentials for Broadway, Hollywood, and comic book geeks everywhere.

I did notice within the first five minutes we got shots of Robert Downey Jr. and Mickey Rourke in the crowd. That's a good way to remind everyone of who's on their final career comeback, and that they're safe and sound and in their seats.

A weird work schedule and a generally short attention span means I don't get out to the theatres much, so for the ninth straight year I hadn't seen any of the Best Picture nominees. I was shocked to discover that "Saw V" wasn't nominated for any of the major categories, though.

That's the problem a lot of people have, actually. More people watched the Friday the 13th remake in it's opening weekend than saw three of the Best Picture nominees combined. "Milk," "The Reader," and "Frost/Nixon" weren't as popular as, say, "Transporter 3."

I live in East Texas, so some of those movies didn't even play around here. I really wanted to see "Frost/Nixon," but my local theatre wasn't carrying it. Instead, they were taking up the entire evening showing Larry the Cable Guy in "Witless Protection," then turning up the house lights for a roundtable discussion.

Here's the actual top ten movies of the year, and what stands out about them to me:
(#1) The Dark Knight - Made a billion dollars, and Heath Ledger won the Oscar for best supporting actor.
(#2) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I can't find anyone who admits to liking it, it was the victim of the most savage South Parking ever. And rightfully so, I might add.
(#3) Kung Fu Panda - Firmly established Jack Black as not quite so annoying in cute cartoon form.
(#4) Hancock - First super-hero movie since 1978 not to have action figures (see #6 below).
(#5) Mamma Mia! - Movie musicals aimed at women, gay men, and disco holdouts are a good idea sometimes.
(#6) Iron Man - Sold a whole bunch of toys, some of which went to me.
(#7) Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - Proved very popular with people who like to move it, move it.
(#8) Quantum of Solace - Made lots of money in spite of having a title that made no sense.
(#9) WALL-E - If the movie business were the NYSE, I couldn't afford Pixar stock.
(#10) The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - This movie was made from a series of books I never read, thus putting it in the same category with the Lord of the Rings movies, Gone With The Wind, and anything based on a book published before 1990.

Variety is reporting that Mickey Rourke is on talks to play the bad guy in the next Iron Man movie.

Let's hold off on that one for a few minutes. I hear nothing but good things about his performance as a washed-up has-been in "The Wrestler," but that could be a bit of typecasting. The guy's headlined one movie in the past two decades that wasn't embarrassing, and the first thing he did with his rekindled fame was almost wind up in the main event at Wrestlemania. That's not exactly the mark of stability.

I love a good comeback story as much as the next guy, but let's make sure the train is firmly on the tracks before we all climb on board. Robert Downey Jr. had what, a dozen restarts on his career before making the current one stick? At this point when you see Mickey Rourke's name in a headline, you're still not sure if it will be followed by "Wins Academy Award" or "Assaults Hamburger-Chain Spokesman In Chemically Altered Drive-Thru Rampage."

Longtime readers of my stuff know what a fan of bad movies I am. In honor of the new movie, I'm reprinting my column on one of the longest running yet worst franchises ever...



He's more recognizable than your average Vice-President, only with a slightly higher body count. He's Jason Voorhees, everybody's favorite serial killer, and somehow he's had eleven movies and made more than three hundred million bucks in the past twenty-eight years.

No need for you to see these movies, I've already done it. In honor of the anniversary, here's what you need to know about each flick.

Friday the 13th This was after the movie "Halloween," when studios were green-lighting anything with a slasher and a calendar connection. "Prom Night," "Happy Birthday To Me," "April Fool's Day," basically any special event was cause for a whole boatload of people to get killed. Kevin Bacon is killed by Mrs. Voorhees, thus giving Jason a "Kevin Bacon Index" of two.

Friday the 13th Part 2 Jason's first appearance, wearing a potato sack for a facial covering. He appears to be a cross between the Elephant Man and the banjo player from Deliverance.

Friday the 13th Part 3 This movie was in 3-D, thus making it not only horribly acted, but awkward on cable. Jason picks up the famous hockey mask in this one.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter This movie wasn't the final chapter, obviously. Jason meets nutjob loonball Crispin Glover and parks a cleaver in his face. Sadly, Corey Feldman gets away. In retrospect, it would have been a mercy kill.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning This was the "Jason: The Next Generation" try, where they kept Jason dead and had someone else take up his exact MO. Accepting that one retarded super-psycho killer was hanging out and carving up teenagers at Crystal Lake was hard enough, nobody bought that there were two of them.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives Jason gets struck by lightning, then rips out the heart of Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter. No kidding. This was the movie where Jason effectively becomes immortal and unstoppable, and the franchise turns from "horror" to "comedy that makes you feel creepy about all of the teenagers in the theatre cheering for the serial killer."

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood Jason versus Carrie. A machete beats a telekinetic high school girl nine times out of ten, by the way.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan Jason leaves his country home for the big city, and winds up killed by nuclear waste. I think there was a metaphor of some sort there, but I didn't get it.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday Again, "Final" obviously is just a marketing term. This film answers the question, "Why haven't the federal authorities noticed that Jason has killed a thousand people over the past ten years?"

Jason X Jason revives in the future, and in a world of laser cannons and virtual reality, he still hacks up people with a machete and people shoot at him with bullets. He's old school.

Freddy vs. Jason Jason has apparently killed everybody else by now, so he's being sicced on other fictional serial killers. Next sequel, he'll be fighting Hannibal Lecter, Sweeney Todd, and Voldemort.

And there you have it. I've wasted my youth watching them, no need for you guys to waste your brain cells. You're welcome.

The Friday PopCast returns, fresh off a bad case of the week-long low-down, feeling-crummy, sleeping-in-your-clothes-sick blues. I'll discuss why it's best to already have food and medicine on hand, how being sick just makes you sit there, and why people always think they're sicker than everyone else.

More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (8.8M, 9:29).

I got a flyer in the mail for a local loan company. Apparently, I've been pre-approved for a good sized loan, and they wanted to let me know about it.

All I have to do is show up and sign the papers, and they'll hand me a check for $9001.70.

Nine thousand dollars? Wow! This sounds like a great deal for anyone who has outstanding debts, wants to invest, or is suffering from a rapidly terminal disease. Or anyone who is stupid, can't read, or whose grasp of economics ends with "you have to buy four houses before you can get a hotel."

Here's the catch, which is printed in small print so fine it would make an eagle squint. The second you sign this check your payments start, and you owe them about $270 a month for the next sixty months.
By simple calculation, This $9000 loan will cost you $3200 a year for five years, which is probably four years and ten months longer than the original nine grand will last most of these people.

Chances are, anybody that will take a $9000 loan without reading the fine print will spend the money quickly on big TVs, rims, and building additions onto their trailer.

How is this possible? This makes the dirtbags at "Blue Hippo" look like the Salvation Army. At 25.52% interest, the words "loan sharking" come to mind.

This is the kind of sound financial transaction that's put our economy in the toilet, but I can't decide which is worse, the people who make the loans, or the people dumb enough to take them.

It should be against the law to offer a loan like this, and also against the law to accept one. I fully support the authorities entering this business at any point, without a warrant, and deporting anyone on the premises on either side of the desk.

With a tip of the hat to my role model, today's blog is all about people I'm done with, and I feel like society would be improved by their quick extermination.

-- Whoever that bastard is who keeps calling me to tell me my car warranty is expired. If I had a warranty, it expired in the Clinton administration. Having your machine phone me at home and work every day for the rest of my life isn't going to make me hand over my credit card number, Chester.

-- People with a MySpace or Facebook account who only post pictures of their kids. I'm sure your kids are cute, but when you don't at least throw up a couple of snapshots of what you look like, we all assume you've gained a thousand pounds and an extra nose.

-- Whoever is in charge of Chinese food fortunes these days. "Change Is The Watchword of Progression?" What the Hell is that? That's not a fortune. That sentence in no way predicts the future. It's not even a good moral. It sounds like something you'd hear in an ad for some luxury car.

-- People who say "Mmhmm," when you say "Thank you." Is a simple "You're welcome" so hard?

-- Anyone wearing a baseball cap that points neither forward nor backwards.

-- People who write their Twitter or Facebook status with things like "Bob is sad..." or "Phyllis can't believe it..." Why don't you just say "Jimmy is begging for attention," or "Carla wants everyone to ask her what's going on."

-- Supermodels empowered by the election of our new President.

-- People who go through the express line with too many items. It used to be ten items or less, then twelve, and now it's twenty. However, the cutoff doesn't really matter if you're going to skate through the speedy line with twelve hundred items in your cart. If not a summary execution, then the offenders should at least be fined a dollar for each item over the limit, for each person kept waiting.

-- Newscasters who use the word "tragedy" for every situation from a plane crash to a cat stuck in a tree. Find a new cliche, Captain Haircut.

-- Anyone who mentions the World Cup whenever I talk about how the Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event on the planet. Let's be serious here. Sports involve using all of your body.

-- People who love animals, but to the exclusion of common sense. If you have a hundred animals in your apartment, or twenty-two dogs in your car, you not only have fleas, but you also have a major problem.

-- Anyone who gets married in a Wal-Mart.

-- Whoever greenlit "Pink Panther 2." That has to be the least-anticipated sequel since "Caddyshack 2."

-- Anyone who expects me to donate my money to the Governor's Mansion Restoration Fund. I'm not sure what's setting me off here. Perhaps it's our toilet-bound national economy, or the layoffs every industry (including mine) is experiencing. Maybe it's the thought that the great state of Texas is #49 in verbal SAT scores and #46 in average math SAT scores nationally. Our graduation rate? Thirty-sixth. Galveston is still a mess, and now they're considering opening up gambling just so the island can be rebuilt. Build a new house yourself, asshole.

-- Anyone still working in the radio industry. No offense, but this one's a mercy kill.

The Friday PopCast returns, of for no other reason that to celebrate life, love, and an allergy-induced case of Major Market Radio Voice.

Today, I'll lament the death of my DVR and the hilariously embarrassing run through the old season pass list, and also talk about the Super Bowl commercials. Not the game, though, don't worry. I will also for the first time reveal my Super Bowl comment that was banned from television.

More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (13.1M, 14:00).

Last month, Jermaine Jackson said there was going to be a Jackson Five Reunion. Michael Jackson quickly responded by saying, "No, there won't."

Who cares?

Honestly, if Michael decides not to take part, can one person in a thousand actually recognize the remaining members of the Jackson 5?

If you ask an average person on the street to name the Jackson 5, and they'll mention Michael, Jermaine, Janet, LaToya, Reggie, Jesse, Samuel L., Bo, and Stonewall.

If you go to see Michael Jackson in concert and his brothers also happen to be there, which part of the show do you think will be more enjoyable?

"Oh, it's time for Jermaine's solo set. Let's go get a t-shirt, or a soda, or anything else to give us a brief respite from Jermaine. Don't make me listen to anything past a chorus of that 'do what you do when you did what you did to me' song."

Let's face it. Michael could be standing on stage with the guys from Dan Hartman's "I Can Dream About You" video, and it would be as good as a Jackson 5 reunion.

If Michael wants a backing band, he could tour with Hanson, The Time, or Ready for the World and I don't think it would hurt his ticket sales.