Like Camp Clovenhoof? It is what it is...

An official account of the origin of 420

brought to you by Camp Clovenhoof historians (PLEASE SPREAD THIS TALE IN
ORDER TO EDUCATE THE MEDICATED MASSES)



San Rafael High School, May 1971:

Another school year sunk quietly into the abyss of oblivion for a group of malcontent Robert Heinlein worshippers, the self proclaimed Waldo Club. Slinking through the halls of their high school wearing hand made spacesuits and styling their greasy hair into decidedly "un-hip" coiffures, these obscure outcasts were commonly chastised by jocks, cheerleaders and tree-hugging hippies. Waldo Dave wanted badly to be cool like his rebellious hippie brother Frank and garnered a great deal of jealousy for the more popular after school clubs. However to this point, his attempts to popularize a massive zeal for the wonders of the futuristic world of science fiction invention had only earned he and his comrades ridicule.

So at 4 o'clock, on a sun-drenched day in June of 1971, Waldo Dave, Waldo Curtis, Waldo Rudolpho, Waldo Larry and Waldo William met behind the water tower, north of the football field to discuss the development of time travel devices and x-ray goggles. But none of them were prepared for what would take place 20 minutes after four on that fateful day.

As Waldo Larry introduced the day's agenda: goggle testing at the community pool on June 14th, spacesuits that badly needed mending and dry cleaning, a snag in the wormhole theories posited by Waldo Rudolpho the week before, and doling out responsibilities for the annual Waldo Club Bake Sale (rapidly approaching), Waldo Dave whipped out something the Waldo boys had never laid their virgin eyes on. It was short, small and white at first glance. Waldo Larry would later describe the object's appearance as similiar to that of an alien pod or some sort of space cocoon. Waldo Dave called it a "doobie".

He had stolen the foreign object from his brother Frank who fought furiously the previous evening with an angry case of the runs. Waldo Dave happened upon the doobie while digging through Frank's underwear drawer in search of old dress socks he hoped to use as fragment filters to protect against the perilous hazard of spagettification, one of the many dangers of time travel. The doobie was vaguely familiar to him. He recalled a number of Saturday afternoons when Frank and his hippie friends would huddle in the corner of the yard, while mother and father were away at bible study, and would light the doobie cocoon to smoke from its hidden contents. Shortly thereafter the group would appear overcome with laughter and hunger. Voraciously, they would rip through the leftovers in the fridge, eating all of Waldo Dave's pudding pops and bellowing in response to Frank's stories about Lorraine's large boobs. Then they would stumble into their cars and drive to Stinson Beach to surf terrific waves and flirt with babes on the beach. Oh how Waldo Dave longed for such revelry and to posess such attractive talents as those of his hippie brother.

And so, at 4:20 PM, near the water tower north of the football field at San Rafael HS in late May, the Waldo Club took a huge step toward infamy. Carefully, they each took turns inhaling the harsh smoke into their virgin lungs.

The effects were incredible. Feeling at first woozy and then slightly giddy the Waldo's reeled from the intense sense of happiness they felt and the departure from reality, a state they pursued most aggressively on a daily basis in the form of fantasy and sci-fi.

Waldo Larry then plunged into the agenda once again but with a new feeling of purpose and palpable excitement. Suddenly, new innovative ideas began to rush to the surface. Perhaps saffola oil might be a more efficient substitute for gasoline in the tank of the time machine. Maybe sunglass lenses would provide a better cover for the x-ray glasses experiment and finally, this substance found in the doobie might make a flavorful ingredient for the brownies at the Bake Sale. The ideas poured forth like lava.

It was agreed amongst the esteemed members of the Waldo Club that this magical reefer found in the doobie, had powerful and specifically positive effects on those who learned to partake of its flavour. Waldo William was able to recall an issue from an obscure sci-fi comic in which inhabitants of an alternative earth were exposed to a happiness serum on a daily basis, at a special time, that ensured their peaceful existence and saved their planet. Oddly, Waldo William, a veritable encyclopedia of sci-fi lore, was currently incapable of reciting the comic book and issue but swore to its contents. As a result, a plan was set into action that would change the climate of Waldo Club Bake Sales well into the forseeable future.

The Waldo Club Bake Sale was a huge success. Leading up until the event, the Waldo Club members met everyday at the magic moment, 4:20 PM to inhale the reefer and brainstorm for the Big Bake (as they were calling it). It was because of this fruitful "spitballing" that visitors to the Big Bake left such raving reviews and spent generously on the delicious brownies baked by Waldo Curtis, with a special ingredient.

Gradually, the 4:20 meetings evolved and began to take on a greater air of purpose. Membership in the Waldo Club grew exponentially and now included some jocks, cheerleaders and tree-hugging hippies. Everyday, through the end of the school year, more and more students were attracted to the magical scent of the Wonderful Reefer. New members were punctual participants and by 4:20 the group was large and boisterous. Others brought foreign strands of the reefer with mystical names like "Maui- Wowie" and "Mountain Girl" and the pillar of smoke grew to glorious heights. Oddly enough, most members had to get home or go to work around the time that talk of fantastic sci-fi and science fiction invention entered the agenda, but the Waldo's didn't mind. They had achieved their end.

(A story unearthed from deep in the annals of Camp Clovenhoof lore)

We here at camp apologize for the delay involved with the "Week 4 Camp Counselor Tryout blog". We realize that there are folks out there who rely on the weekly tryout updates to help medicate and anesthetize their vulnerable psyche. However, I am sad to report that Camp Chencellor Skip Willens has been suffering from some awful flu symptoms, hindering his ability to make his weekly contribution.

Instead, we have uncovered an interesting bit of lore which, we believe, directly relates to the disappearance of camp counselor trainee, Karen. The account is as follows.........




Years ago, in a forest just off the main highway, there was a summer camp for vacationing adults. The campers, typically anywhere from 50-75 adults and a handful of children, passed the summer swimming on the lake, hiking, making arts and crafts, and sharing stories over campfire. They were a happy and jubilant bunch whom cherished the opportunity for adventure and savored time spent relaxing beneath the great forest.

On a particularly hot afternoon in late August, while the campers were unwinding next to the lake after a long day of play, a weary group of three men atop horses trudged into camp towing a covered wagon. The campers greeted them heartily and, without introductions, offered them food and drink in the lodge.

Once their guests had gorged themselves on a banquet of barbequed chicken, broccoli, corn bread, and fruit, the campers lit a fire and waited curiously to hear of the travels of their visitors. One of the men, Simon, seemed the vocal leader of the three travelers and while his companions extracted every last morsel of meat from their chicken bones, he began an account of their journey. The fire roared menacingly.

The men were gypsies. Simon said they had been traveling long for the west coast when they happened upon a town, one day up the highway. They were low on supplies and decided to stop and re-stock, but found the town empty. Almost everything of value was gone, but they were able to rummage for some water skins and five cans of beans.

Their final scourge was the sheriff's office on the edge of town. The inside of it was equally barren except for a conspicously placed sheriff's log on an oak desk. Simon had opened and read from its pages. The contents were maddening.

Five years before, this town had suffered a rash of mysterious disappearances. By the sheriiff's account, it had all started with the sound of music. This strange, rythmic, tribal symphony which played, at first lightly on the night air. As time passed these strange musical instruments grew louder and children began to disappear. Three, five, and on one night, ten children at a time had vanished into the night.

Two months passed and many were on their way out of town in fear before the sheriff caught what he believed to be the culprit. While patroling one night, he had wrestled something to the ground behind the saloon after curfew. It resembled a man, but its features were strangly exagerrated. It had long, gnarly hair, large blue eyes and lizard-like skin.

The sheriff had been unable to communicate with it. It only hummed incessantly... the music of the night. The sheriff had finished that night's entry saying only that he would try to talk with the suspect again in the morning. No entries followed. Instead, scrawled desperately across the bottom read, "Whoever you are, whatever you do, do not let that thing out of its cell. Beware, the music is madness."

At this the gypsies were intrigued and decided to check the cell. What they found was alarming. The creature inside was still alive. It sat, hardly moving, focused on the moon outside of the jail bars. As they approached, it turned and the creature's mishapen face displayed a devious smile.

Simon struggled to justify to the campfire listeners what happened next. Call it pity, call it curiousity or call it greed, the gypsies decided they would take the beast with them to the west coast. Perhaps the thing would capture them a bounty or put them in good favor with entertainment folk in Los Angeles. Whatever the reason, they had bound the creature up and thrown him in a big wooden box they had found at the trade outpost.

Simon's shadow hovered over the listeners as he continued," And now seems fit time to introduce our "special guest". It is in a wooden crate in the back of our wagon. We haven't heard it stir in hours. However, the music has started."

"Do-do-do-do-doom. That thing is waking soon. He wants out of his tomb. Do-do-do-doom."

The campers fell deathly silent, when Simon, who had been awaiting this response, broke into good-natured laughter and explained that he had set the whole story up, to get a rise out of his hosts. The campers chuckled as a group, the laughs were uneasy and they squeezed closer to their children.

That night, most of the campers slept a shallow, unrestful sleep. However, by the witching hour everyone was sleeping soundly, when the music came. Softly at first, but generating a low buzz which would crescendo before the end of the night. They all dreamt of running through the dark forest, compelled by a strange sense of uninhibited freedom.

The campsite woke in the morning as if alerted by the bang of a shotgun. Men and women across camp, bolted upright to find their children missing,vanished in the night. Several went looking for the gypsies, who were not to be found, but had left behind a souvenir, a large wooden box. The frame had been chewed and fragmented. Whatever had been inside had escaped and the children with it.

(All of this happened in these same woods. I f you manage to keep yourself up for the witching hour, the locals say you can hear the not-so-distant music of the special guest and the children's cries as they wander mindlessly, in search of the concert.)

Greetings campers,

We dwell in strange times. Our counselors in training are suffering the woes of some real tragedy. Luckily, they are smoking great quantities of marijuana to help anesthetize their sorrow and destroy large chunks of their short-term memory. This riveting week of labor played out as follows:

Team#1: Earl, Bruce, Karen, Eva
Ah the wonderful life of a camp counselor. Speaking of privileges, Team#1 drew the honor of resurfacing the Camp Petting Kraaal (corral for proper folk). By honor, I mean that these trainees would have the fortune of spending some time with the Kraaal's venerable inhabitants: a cow, two donkeys, a 3 pot-bellied pigs and a deer named Gerardo. These animals have lived here at camp for an astonishing 63 years. Veterans of the day to day hub bub, these animals have seen it all. Out of respect for these mammalian sages, the counselors clean the shit and urine out of the pen on a monthly basis and replace their home with fresh hay and tree bark.

Team#2: Clementina, Raven, Damian
Now a demoralized group of 3, Team#2 was given a bit of reprieve this week. They would be asked to raise money for this year's summer session by selling lemonade on a street corner off the highway located in the nearest town. This veritable ghost town has few inhabitants and only a handful of residents have a full mouth of teeth.

Team#3: Madison, Diego, Robert, Raquel
Rumors have spread about a group of wild men living in Helling's Hole (the cave outside of camp) and this has caused great concern amongst the staff. Team#3 was dispatched to investigate and (if necessary) flush out these barbarians. The cave has a history of such trouble…

Team#4: Shane, Perla, Reynaldo
This group is a complete mess after last week. Their responsibility will be to build a shed for all of the new gear that will be arriving on Monday. This shipment will include a freshly painted schooner, new shuffleboard sticks, a refurbished beer pong…errrrr…ping pong table and a giant inflatable island/slide/jungle gym/fall off and break a limb thing (just to name a few).

Oh the march madness of it all…


Madison: Sweet and brave Madison Andrews. She entered the cave first, with great caution, only to find the remnants of a fire and what seemed like hundreds of foot prints. Based on all the evidence, it looked like the wild men had moved on south. Madison would prove to be a rational influence during the events that followed. Her devout Christian-love for Robert was growing.

Diego: It was getting dark and the group was set to leave but Diego was determined to climb up some rocks near the entrance of the cave. There was a small hole and what looked like a perching ledge up there . God only knew what animal inhabited the rocky outcropping. Curiousity was too much for Diego to withstand. Against the urges of his teammates, Diego climbed to within a foot of the crevice. Once aloft he squealed like a preteen girl at the sight of something and fell head first onto the rocks covering the floor of the cave. His brain was bashed apart and so were Diego's chances of winning the title of Camp Clovenhoof Counselor.

Robert: The shriek of Diego, followed by Raquel's awful cries and a dislodging of some sediment, caused a small avalanche that shut the entrance of the cave up tight. No way to get in, no way to get out. Robert fainted into Madison's arms.

Raquel: She became a fucking mess after Diego's death. One had to question, however, whether she was upset that someone had died or had she simply considered the ramifications of what just happened and the fact that she would be locked in this dark cave without a partner to have "well, looks like we're all gonna die" sex with. After 5 days in the cave, as hunger really took them over, they resorted to sharing Diego's body parts for dinner and nourishment. This was Raquel's bright idea.

Clementina: Team#2 experienced trouble with the town yokels right off the bat. These inbred mutants' strange, aggressive movements were like nothing Clementina or the others had ever seen but were familiar in a vague, cerebral way. Clementina has always been a reader (an alternative to actually being able to experience the world) and would come to realize that she recognized the activity of these folk from stories. The characteristics of these rednecks exemplified something frightening and ominous

I MUST REFRAIN FROM PROVIDING YOU WITH THE DETAILS TO TEAM#2'S STORY UNTIL NEXT WEEK. THE GROUP HAS GONE MISSING…

Bruce: He could smell the Kraaal from across camp. The exalted stench wafted into nostrils as it rode atop the spring breeze. Bruce recognized the odors as similar to that of his uncle's farm in Missouri and new that pot-bellied pigs were near. He shivered at the memory of being outwitted by 3 little pigs one summer at Uncle Al's. He popped in a huge serving of creatine figuring that if he couldn't outsmart these fuckers, he out muscle them. Or blow them away with his considerable gas.

Eva: Eva never thought she'd be talking to a deer with great sharp antlers and an even sharper wit but, stranger things have happened at camp. So, to Eva, it was really no surprise when Gerardo started blabbing away about any number of topics including, but not limited to, the works of Charles Dickens, global warming, immigration law and Anna Nicole Smith's little infant daughter. The pair stayed up late on Saturday Night and drank some 100 year old scotch while the other trainees made merry in the lodge.

Earl: As a practicing Muslim, Earl had a big prejudice toward the pigs. His responsibility was to corral the wise old animals and lead them to pasture as the floor of the Kraaal was cleaned and refurbished. He had issue with the fatest pot-belly who was giving Earl some really dirty glares. I suppose we are lucky that the situation did not deteriorate into a bitter war of wills. The pigs secretly plotted his demise but that plan lacked leadership and follow through.

Karen: Every night Karen slept (wasn't up tweeking on the yay), she had vivid and extraordinary dreams. The recurring theme was complete nakedness and freedom from the confines of reality. In her dreams, Karen ran naked through the forest and across the beach of the lake. The little hairs on her arms and legs bristled from the touch of pine branches and the sprinkle of lake moisture. One night, she orgasmed dreaming of a beat playing across the midnite sky. Every night the beat grew louder and more passionate, frightening and exciting her. She reached out to her fellow trainees around the fire at the lodge and shared her fantastic tales. These stories were met with ridicule because the bitch had already garnered the hate of nearly everybody. Sunday morning Team#1 woke up and Karen was gone. Somewhere in the forest, our "special guest" lurks and it is making me nervous that he is back…
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN I WILL RECOUNT THE MYTH BEHIND "SPECIAL GUEST", A RIVETING AND FANTASTIC TALE FROM THE ANNALS OF CAMP CLOVENHOOF LORE.

Perla: Surviving the label of "Butterface" and partying until the crack of dawn have taken a toll on this Texan's butterface. She was worthless during this task and, if not for her exquisite natural breasts, her teammates would be raising hell. But, as it stands, Perla's body is nice to look at and this keeps her in good favor.

Shane: Shane, Shane, Shane…what is up with this guy. He's become a totally different character in light of his recent shortcoming. His shorts have gotten tighter and his loaf is a little lighter (now that's rhymin'). He was, however, an invaluable member of this team while building the shed. It seems that his experience in the remote bayou has established him as a skillful construction worker (tight shorts and all). His favorite drink was whiskey straight and is now a Cosmopolitan.

Reynaldo: If Reynaldo could suck his own penis, he'd do it in a heartbeat…


REMEMBER TO READ THE BLOG I POST NEXT WEEK WHICH WILL INCLUDE THE DETAILS OF WHAT HAPPENED TO TEAM#2 WHILE THEY WERE IN TOWN AND ALSO THE MYTH OF SPECIAL GUEST.

Salud,

Skip Willens

Greetings Campers,
I hope and trust your week was more relaxing than that of our camp counselors in training. As I suggested last time I posted, the morning after the magical mixer was not kind.

Day broke at 6AM when our trainees were jolted from slumber to the sound of German Polka blaring from speakers positioned around the camp. This would be there first encounter with our German kitchen staff.

We found these Germans, a maudlin group of traveling culinary artists, wandering in the woods outside of Helling's Hole 17 years ago and offered them employment. None of the bunch spoke English but the leader of the group, a stout little bald man named Otto, has always communicated with us using wild, animated gestures. They have been steadfast staffers since 1990.

The trainees were treated to a jovial dance number the kitchen staff performs on Thursday mornings (in honor of the Thursday special "pigs in a blanket") and scarfed down their meal. After they were fed and nourished, I addressed the group together. I could sense the hangover induced malaise that had overtaken most of our contestants and couldn't help but chuckle. It has only begun …

The following schedule had been set for the week and I shared the list amongst the teams:

Team..1: Eva, Karen, Bruce and Earl
-This group had earned the prestigious responsibility of cleaning up the restrooms, showers and maintenance sheds around camp. This would be a challenging job because the late staff of a season ago, disappeared before the end of summer cleanups were taken care of. A whole lot of diarrhea, vomit, urine, dirty tissues, hair and other crap had built up on the walls, toilets and floors of the shower. I expected these areas to be spotless by Tuesday.

Team..2: Clementina, Raven, Damian, Jacob
-"Let the animals, dance and jump around" (Camp Clovenhoof circa 2004). These counselors would have the task of hiking about the forest outside of camp and performing the functions of a National Parks and Forestry Ranger. They would be picking up litter strewn from the side of the highway, tagging diseased trees and making peace with our native animal population.

Team..3: Madison, Diego, Robert, Raquel
-The job for Team 3 would be to paint our glorious lodge a fresh coat of green. Years ago, a young camper named Gregor Samsa spent the summer painting a surreallist mural on the side of this building. Much to the chagrin of his doting parents, Gregor never returned home that summer. In the following years, a string of misfortune befell our noble camp and, in a fit of confusion and paranoia, the counselors painted over the strange art. In years since, we have made it a priority to leave a fresh coat of paint on the lodge in hopes that Gregor might return to his canvas

Team..4: Gabriela, Shane, Perla, Reynaldo
-Oh what an honor! Team 4 would be spending the week looking after the children of our fine kitchen staff. A wonderfully behaved group of boys and girls, these little Germans nary offer a negative word and are a pleasure to take care of. I was certain that, by next Tuesday, these trainees would be thankful to have had the opportunity to spend time with these young hell-gets.


Things are never as they seem at Camp Clovenhoof. As beautiful and pristine as the surroundings of our patch of forest can be, this is a contest and our explosive combination of personalities and challenges led to death and debauchery. Each evening, after a day of hard work, the trainees were (and in most cases) will continue to be pampered with delicious cuisine (all thanks to Otto and his staff of loyal Germans) and a bottomless well of alcohol. Despite the trying circumstances confronting them by day, the contestants continued to over-indulge in drink, sex and conflict providing us with a series of developing storylines. But, two counselors in training had to be ELIMINATED. Thank you all for your help. Here's what happened:

Eva: No stranger to the dirty and challenging life of a ballerina, Eva took the leadership role with Team..1. She dove in on hands and knees to set an example of hard work for her group. Another fight with Karen erupted mid-week over Karen's lack of interest in contributing to the team. Eva, fed up with Karen's complaining, socked her in the face when she wasn't looking. A cheap shot to be sure, but warranted nonetheless. Eva started a nasty rumor about Shane's bout of whiskey dick and then the two had another sexual encounter two nights later. The problem continued…

Karen: Bitch was furious about her team's assignment! Her bitching has continued to distance her from the others. Although, she has made efforts to become a more lively contributor to the late night antics of the whole group. She led an attack on Gabriela's "plastic-ass" personality and called out Robert for being the "super-sensitive superhero" that he is. Her fight with Eva was damaging. She is now considered the "also ran" in the competition for toughest bitch at camp.

Bruce: Did a lot of pushups and pull-ups in his alone time. Bruce is as dumb as a rock and is a suitable follower. It took him awhile to get used to being led by Eva (being subordinate to a woman makes Bruce uncomfortable) but once he got over it, everything was fine. Bruce played kissy-face with Perla and had some really bad runs on Sunday morning, awaking the members of his team with some pungent morning gas.

Earl: Big Earl was on fire this week. He was gung ho and cooperative in the team assignment, made out with Gabriela the first night (a prude girl nobody else has had any luck with), banged Raquel the second night (everybody is getting a ride on that pony) and branded Perla with the name "Butterface". He is well liked by everyone in the group and has volunteered to lead the next challenge for his team.

Clementina: After her first ever threesome with Raven and Jacob, Clementina woke up the next day feeling violated. She is so sexy that most everyone at camp (man and woman) wants a piece of her. Having no experience doing work of any kind, Clementina is finding it difficult to adjust to the rigors of meaningful labor. Finally, she was horrified by what happened to Jacob (see the Jacob update) but rebounded after Eva fed her some shots of Goldschlager.

Raven: She is all hot for Clementina. All Raven can think about is Clementina's soft skin and round melon breasts. Raven was a valuable member during the group's Ranger work because of her tree-climbing skills. She is also a terrific tree-hugger.

Damian: Damian is such a pervert. He has been freaking people out with his camera. Nobody really knows when it is on or off. Damian led the first panty raid of the offseason, stealing Clementina's panties and wearing them over his head during the group's first night of post-task boozing.

Jacob: Still reeling from the fulfillment of all of his threesome fantasies, Jacob was walking on air the first day of his team's Ranger task. They had managed to cover a quarter of their ranger territory in the first day when they happened upon Helling's Hole. Jacob was feeding some bread crumbs to a local squirrel (a big no-no) when something jumped out of the cave and ripped his face off. The creature responsible for this massacre and for Jacob's elimination from the contest looked like this:



We send our condolences to Jacob's family.

Perla: The kitchen staff's children behaved like some evil little fuckers (Grades K-3). When Team..4 arrived on the scene, a few of the kids were beating the shit out of eachother with a floatable water noodle they had pulled out of the pool area. Those violent deviants became the responsibility of Perla. Over the course of the week they picked boogers and wiped them on eachother and on Perla (giving her a cold later in the week), dropped gum in her hair, broke toys the camp provided them last year and shrieked at the top of their lungs. Perla washed her sorrows down in alcohol every night, threw up again on Saturday night and earned the label "BUTTERFACE" based on her hung over and alcohol weathered piehole.

Shane: Whiskey Dick couldn't shake the problem he developed on the first night. After another failed encounter with Eva, Shane has begun to question a lot of things including his sexuality. He had better luck with the children, handcuffing the offenders to a fence and feeding them animal crackers.

Reynaldo: Reynaldo is a slut. He has been throwing propositions out to all the women in camp. He constantly complains about the lack of mirrors in camp and blames his promiscuous advances on the beer goggles he brings to every evening soiree. Rey was scared of the children and their grubby little mitts so he spent most of the week on the fence (literally).

Gabriela: She really tried to be the leader on this task. However, the kids didn't like her very much. Within the first hour the children had begun to punch Gabriela, pull her hair and swore angrily in German. As Gabriela tried to get control of a fight that had broken out over a transformer, she tripped and was trampled to death in the melee of children.

Team..4's painting task went very well. I must say that you will all be impressed when you see the beautiful lodge. More on this team next week …

Warmest regards,


Skip Willens (Chancellor of Camp Clovenhoof)
PLEASUREDOME TO THE OUTDOORSMAN

(PLEASE NOTE: Because I know this is alot of text for some campers (and I want all of you to particpate) each weekly post will include a contestant by contestant summary of what happened to week before, to keep you updated. So, if you don't have the patience to read this, tune in next week for the summary or tune into the blog. Good things...)


GREETINGS CAMPERS,

Upon arrival at camp, our contestants were briefed outside of the Lodge and were given the rules for the two month tryout. Few of the trainees paid much attention as I rattled through the details. It was my observation that initial impressions were already being formed. This young, sexually charged group of wanna-be actors and models was ready to begin mingling but I had one task yet at hand. To assign teams and they were:

TEAM..1: Eva, Karen, Bruce, Earl
TEAM..2: Clementina, Raven, Damian, Jacob
TEAM..3: Madison, Diego, Robert, Raquel
TEAM..4: Gabriela, Shane, Perla, Reynaldo
Each team would share a cabin and participate in all events together. I would be providing teams with weekly assignments every Thursday and it would be their responsibility to choose a leader and decide which tasks they would tackle each day.

At 1:30 PM, I directed everyone to the lakeside for a BBQ/Mixer. Camp Clovenhoof provided an assortment of marinated meat and a bevy of savory accoutrements with a endless river of alcohol to wash it all down. Sounds like the ingredients for a fabulous and unforgettable day right? Closer to the truth, it was a recipe for disaster. For a few hearty revelers, the party didn't stop until the sun came up. As that sun set and rose again, the morning light would illuminate some disturbing truths concerning the night before and the new day reintroduced our counselors in training to the world of reality. Where relationships and the group dynamic shed the illusion of the strobelight honey and what these folks were left with wasn't pretty...

Breakdown:
While some marveled at the elaborate set-up provided them, and others took a moment to introduce themselves to their competition, Bruce couldn't keep his shirt on. He was all to eager to show off what hours in the gym had produced. Eva, Perla and Shane attacked the alcohol with a ferocious tenacity, sucking down shots at a dangerous pace. Karen's abrasive personality alienated her from the group but Diego told Reynaldo that he was "gonna tap that ass" before the first week's elimination. Earl, ever the ladies man, held court around the BBQ with an impressive display of uber confidence and a rapists wit. Damian snapped pictures of Clementina throughout the afternoon which creeped Raven out but excited Clementina who probably wasn't used to that kind of attention. Raven snapped pictures of Clementina's curves with her eyes.

The alcohol flowed freely. The food definitely played a supporting role to the mixed drinks. Bruce was firing mixes together behind the bar. Every mix had some overtly sexual name like "Sex on the Beach", "Slow Comfortable Screw" or "Arabian Ass Fuck". Despite his extreme lack of substance and personality, Bruce seemed to be doing well with the ladies.

Beautiful Madison Andrews introduced the idea of organizing some harmless drinking games. This novel idea erupted into some convulsive acts of heavy-petting and exploration, pairing several counselors together for potential late night hype. A slobbering Perla sucked face with Jacob as part of the "2 Minutes Under the Dock Game" and Raquel got freak nasty by taking a body shot off of Raven's wiry frame. Raven then created her own twist on the game by which the girl sitting next to Raquel (Clementina) would have to come in and finish a double shot off of Raven (sloppy seconds she called it) and the two shared an awkward (Raven enduced) lip lock over the lemon. Karen, drinking light beers, opted out of the games altogether, drawing some snickers and sneers from all the other drunks. Robert also turned down the activities so that he could organize his sleeping quarters.

As night fell, the camp was lit up by a full moon and all the drunk counselors remarked at how well they could see. Not quite well enough. By 10PM, Eva and Shane had drunk eachother under the table and the morning brought rumors of Shane suffering from a bad case of "whiskey dick" or (as we call it at Camp TDTF=too drunk to fuck). Perla vomited on her way to calling it an early night and ended up passed out under a tree. Robert emerged from his cabin in time to be the sober leader of the whole group and catered to the women's requests for s'mores. The campfire, built by Jacob's handiwork, roared angrily and Diego almost fell in but instead fell into the arms of Raquel and the two opted to take their act to their empty cabin. Karen finally came out of her shell but it seemed too little too late as the others gave her the cold shoulder. So, in a desperate attempt for attention and good favor, Karen stripped her top off and ran crazily around the fire inspiring comparisons to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

This outburst compelled others to come up with the bright idea of jumping butt-naked into the cold lake. So Jacob, Raven, Reynaldo, Bruce, Gabriela and Eva all skinny dipped. Bruce waited until everyone exited the lake to make his own inconspicuous retreat. It seems he was a little underwhelmed by the representation the frigid lake was providing his...manhood. Eva and Karen got into a violent shoving match over a glass of champagne left on the stump of a log but the fight probably had more to do with their volatile personalities. Madison and Robert enjoyed a moonlit stroll and Earl bedded the head strong Gabriela a little before 1 AM.

In perhaps the most interesting and unexpected happening of the evening, Raven coerced the innocent and sheltered Clementina into some experimental/bisexual action and conceded to allowing Jacob (right place at the right time) to fall into the situation. Damian, extrovert/pervert, happened upon the erotic display toward the end and snapped some serious orgy footage. Ohhhhhh Boy...

We here at Camp Clovenhoof sincerely hope that the contestants enjoyed the opportunity to make merry. Alot of subplots have begun to unfold. What the counselors don't realize, is that the morning serves to reveal and remind our drunken revelers of why they are here in the first place. There is plenty of work at hand...

Talk to you next week,

Camp Clovenhoof Chancellor Skip Willens



PS- Here are four of the ten commandments for the contest:
1. No littering
2. Contestants must treat the tryout as they would a real interview and will be asked to: Arrive on time for tasks, particpate in and finish all challenges and work as a team.
3. Each team must rotate team leaders for each task so that everyone gets a chance to lead.
4. Each contestant is responsible for updating their myspace page weekly

(THIS LETTER HAS BEEN EDITED TO INCLUDE CAPITAL LETTERS TO HELP SUMMARIZE THE CONTENTS FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE TOO BUSY TO READ THE FOLLOWING IN ITS ENTIRETY)


Dear present and prospective campers,

GREETINGS FROM YOUR FAMILY AT CAMP CLOVENHOOF! To the undiscerning eye, it may appear that we have become lazy and complacent based on the lack of activity on our myspace campsite. Nothing can be further from the truth. In fact, we have dedicated long hours toiling to ensure that this year's summer camp is the most exciting in Camp Clovenhoof's storied history. Because the work has become so arduous, WE HOPE TO EMPLOY YOU, our exclusive membership of elite campers, to help us achieve our goal.

During the next two months, WE WILL BE TRAINING AND EVALUATING COUNSELORS for this year's summer sessions. After a rigorous interview process involving thousands of applications, WE'VE SELECTED 16 CONTESTANTS based on a basic set of prerequisites (ie: beauty, character and a willingness to put themselves through the fires of hell for a chance to cater to and mingle amongst our star-studded population of campers). 8 beautiful women and 8 men have been handpicked to participate in this tryout which, at its conclusion, WILL WEED OUT THE POSERS and leave us with a single individual of each sex.

Over the course of the next 8 weeks, the counselors in training will be put through a number of CHALLENGES DESIGNED TO MEASURE THEIR INTESTINAL FORTITUDE with the purpose of getting our camp ready for a big summer. Every Wednesday, I will send you a bulletin informing you about the details of the prior week including: results of the challenges, eliminations and how they happen (blow by blow), partying, wild sex, fighting and all of the juicy particulars. EACH POTENTIAL COUNSELOR HAS CONSTRUCTED THEIR OWN MYSPACE PAGE for this tryout (SEE OUR TOP 16 FRIENDS) and they will be updating their space with comments, blogs and journal entries to help each of you get to know them better.

We here at camp realize the indelible effect that our dedicated staff has on your experience here. With that in mind, WE WILL BE RELYING ON YOU TO SEND US a comment or message (via myspace) each week, casting YOUR VOTE FOR WHICH TWO COUNSELORS SHOULD BE ELIMINATED. You'll decide who stays and who goes. Every Tuesday, one male and one female trainee will be eliminated from the tryout. ON WEDNESDAYS, we will send a bulletin "WEEK IN REVIEW" to let you know what has transpired, who was eliminated and how it happened (trust me…it won't be pretty).

Each week in review will also include UPDATES FROM OUR MUSICAL REPRESENTATIVES. You can expect new music videos and several NEW "HOOF TRACKS" to surface in the coming weeks. Amongst those in development : "Super Sensitive Super Hero" , "Field Trip to the Underwater Museum" and "The Band That Ran Out of New Ideas". Thank you in advance for your contributions towards our Camp Clovenhoof Counselor Tryout. We shall be in touch. Your friend and Camp Chancellor,

Skip Willens

From the desk of the Chancellor
13 February, 1988

Dear Campers,
It is with great eagerness and anticipation that I extend my invitation to you and your family to join us for a summer of fun here at Camp Clovenhoof. Come frolic on the shores of Lake Clovenhoof amidst the picturesque setting of the Stanislaus Forest and surrounding Sierra Nevada mountains! Whether you are returning for another season of outdoor activities and camaraderie, or joining us for the first time, you'll be pleased to know that our courteous staff and skilled counselors are piqued and prepared to attend to your every need.

As so many of you know, and the rest of you will soon discover, there are many beautiful vistas to behold and one-of-kind experiences to enjoy. Trailheads have been cleared and opened for hikes ranging from light to strenuous. Pick up a racket, basketball, or baseball mitt and bring your "A"-game, for there will be a generous array of games and athletic competitions on the camp's recently paved courts and meticulously manicured fields. It remains to be seen if Timothy Jorgenson's shuffleboard winning streak will be topped, but I expect to see a bevy of challengers take their hacks. Also, the lake will play host to an ever-increasing number of recreational activities including swimming, canoeing, and even water-skiing!!! (We just acquired a Ski Nautique 206 with more horsepower than you can imagine!)

If you should need to find me during your stay with us, I will be down by the lake with pole in hand raking in a prosperous helping of Loggerhead Trout from the pristine waters. Oh boy, are they biting! So bring your best bait and tackle. As the sun sets on the first and last day of your stay with us we will congregate and carouse at the fire ring with a healthy dose of song, laughter, and cheer accompanied by a guitar, banjo, mouth harp, and jug (as well as a firecracker extravaganza.) You'd be crazy to miss it!

I assure you that after a few deep breaths of mountain air and a leisurely stroll by the lakeside, you'll understand the overwhelming sense of freedom that we celebrate here at Camp Clovenhoof. It becomes a part of your soul and you'll take it home with you when you leave our glorious camp. We are on pins and needles awaiting your arrival with our traditional "hoof" handshake. We look forward to welcoming you to our family, even if only for the summer.
Your gracious host,

Skip Willens, Chancellor Camp Clovenhoof,
pleasure-dome for the outdoorsman.