I don't feel the need to write a lengthy note since everyone can read my status from today (and kudos to Michelle, Miranda, and Robin for commenting...maybe I should just blog via statuses?).  While perusing my friends' views on the inauguration, I came across an interesting statement which led to a mini-comedic gem (in my opinion).  Keep in mind, I'm not posting this to incite some sort of political forum with lots of nasty banter and my friends hating other friends' opinions (which is why I find getting worked up over politics so pointless when largely your average citizen's greatest impact is merely voting).  Anyhow, here's what I chuckled at:


I think the ellipses were required for a dramatic pause.

Off to JUPITER,
Wizzerm

P.S. - Yes, she lives in England.

While becoming officially licensed for saving lives (we'd been doing that illegally since '02), Fink and I were subjected to some scenarios on film.  One was of a father having a heart attack on a golf course and another was a guest collapsing in front of a hotel (the bellman did not represent). Clearly these scenes stood out from the rest of the instructional DVD (we don't need no instructions to know how to save lives), all thanks to the director.  His skills were evident and his method was quite edgy considering it was an instructional video.  Most importantly, he has the most metal name for a cinematographer: David Blood.

However, not only does he have an awesome name, he is very accomplished.  Here's a blurb from his website:

"David Blood is an award winning director and director of photography who has spent over 20 years shooting commercials for clients such as nike, verizon, pepsi, frito lay, the movie channel, The NBA and many more."

You see that?  Frito f'ing Lay!  Oh, and that award he won, check it out:


Headless?  Metal.

Browsing over some of his other works, who wouldn't be impressed by this lineup?


Prior to seeing his amazing resumé, Fink and I decided that Mr. Blood would direct the first Avengement video, "Avengement."

But before he embarks on such an ambitious production, Mr. Blood shall agree to work on an upcoming film starring your two favorite druggists.

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"From renowned filmmaker David Blood, director of '3 Days To Kill' and 'The Rage Within', comes an epic tale of death, devastation, and drugs.

In a world of corruption, the escalating costs of prescription medications have put a stranglehold on the economy.  Drug companies rule the streets with their representatives enforcing martial law throughout the land.  There are no advertisements; only mandatory medications...in sample packaging.

Out of the country's darkest times arose two heroes who would bring balance to the health care industry.  Arriving on white steads and each clutching an instrument of destruction: one with a mortar, the other, a pestle.  The prescription?

Murder.


Coming to a pharmacy near you."

Clearly it will be rated R.

Promising no more morbid posts until the new year,
Mike

While reading a study for work, I took notice of the location where the data were collected: Rainbow Babies & Childrens' Hospital.

I'm not sure why I focused on this so much, but I found it to be quite hilarious (obviously funny enough to share it with all of five of you that read teh blog).  It has since inspired some MS Paint artwork based on the hospital's logo/website photos, as well as song lyrics:

"Rainbow babies,
Falling from the skyyyyyy! (repeated letters denotes high note)


They must eat Skittles,
Or else they will die-iiii."

My apologies to all the new/pending parents out there,
Mikey

...could you take out?


This was posed on a car ride back from Kalamazoo on Friday afternoon.  It stemmed from a particular adviser of mine and I must say...I'm quite intrigued.  The scenario is really quite vague, but I think it being open to interpretation makes it so interesting.

Are these children obese?

Do they come in packs or single file?

Weapons?

Boys, girls, or both?

What's the location?

Oh, the possibilities.  It's so Battle Royale-esque!


Wishing he could've taken out some teenagers at a rock concert tonight,
Wormburner.

P.S. All things being equal, I'd say about 7 before I expire.  Since I've not yet played rocket football like I've dreamed, I'd have to say that my method of termination would be the stiff arm.

After the atrocity on the baseball diamond last night, I breathed a sigh of relief.  This sad, sad season full of expectations had mercifully come to an end (wording courtesy of Abby The Skinny).  And although the playoffs will be fun, I can't help but wonder about the Tigers' future and what is now their offseason as of 24 hours ago.

As you can tell from my notes, I talk quite a bit about the Tigs, both online and with Mr. Happy and Papa Worm.  That is one of the things I enjoy most about baseball (and sports in general), being able to question decisions and hypothesize even though your solutions have no impact whatsoever on the outcome.  It's kind of like politics, only a lot less depressing.

Obviously it is very easy to formulate an opinion about the Tigers and what they should do.  It may come as a surprise, but I'm not a crazily obsessed fan.  I don't quote stats like OPS or defensive ratings and I'm not all that familiar with pending free agents (see The Detroit Tigers Weblog for reader comments related to that, but the blog itself is a great resource for the overzealous or casual fan).  That being said, when were statistics and new acquisitions a guarantee for success?  So, if you have a passion for the game, you're just as reliable as a source of information as 'Testes' Orestes Destrade.


Okay, who am I kidding, that guy doesn't know jack...but does look good in turquoise.

Continuing on, this note was written with me basically thinking out loud.  Obviously I was completely wrong on my prediction for this year and I doubt any of these changes will really happen.  Still, it's fun to live in a fantasy land where you rule the Tigers.  Feel free to join the confabulation.

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Step 1) Fire Jim Leyland, Hire Matt Walbeck

This might seem a bit drastic considering Leyland led us to the World Series only a couple seasons ago and we all wrote him in for governor.  However, I'm afraid he's lost this team.  Clearly they were not ready coming out of spring training and he had no clue what he had in the dugout.  He is not to blame for Renteria, Sheffield, Willis, Robertson...and so many others...having off years.  He is to blame for the following:

- Poor pitching decisions, be it leaving Verlander out there for 120 pitches each outing or ever giving the ball to Gary Glover.  His moves were very Alan Trammell-esque and seemed to be based a lot on matchups, not his superior "gut".  It wouldn't kill ya to leave Seay out there to face right handers.

- Badly handling the young players, which is the main reason why I think we should look to Walbeck.  How can you give consistent playing time to a guy who isn't performing (Sheffield), then demote and berate players like Larish, Cleven, and Thomas when they do well?  It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and I question how that is acting like a "players' manager".  Quite giving time to the contracts and play the real players.

- Acting like a buffoon and poorly representing the Tigers.  From ripping on the pitching staff late in the year to that nutso incident in Texas with the umpires.  What does that say?  I know it's been a frustrating year and the players have just as much of a right to want to go crazy too.  But they didn't.  Sure there was the brawl, but that was on Sheff.  And to argue balls and strikes when the closer you insisted on leaving in can't get an out to save his life, that's on you and not the umpires missing a strike on the first batter of a long inning.

As for a replacement, I think we dropped the ball on letting Bruce Fields leave the organization a few years ago and I hope we don't do it with Walbeck.  He now has major league managing experience in addition to having success at several levels within our organization.  As he moved up the ranks, so did many of our top prospects.  I liked the piece they did on him during the Rangers series which allowed Walbeck to explain how proud he was of his ex-players.  That...is being a class act.  Maybe Leyland can take a lesson.

In the interim, keep an eye on ex-Whitecaps pitching coach A.J. Sager.  He is at Toledo now and I believe was with Walbeck for a time.  We need some fresh blood and I like going from within the organization.  Let's just hope the hiring process goes more smoothly than the firing process of Jeff Jones and Chuck Hernandez.

Step 2) Make Inge your full-time third baseman.

Yeah yeah, this already happened, but I came up with the theory first (and so did a lot of other Tigers fans).  It really makes you wonder why it took so long to come to this conclusion.  I disagree with fans who believe that if you play a certain position (except DH), you have to hit for a certain average.  Inge will save enough runs to make up for his lack of production at the plate, just as he always has.

Step 3) Platoon Dusty Ryan and James Skelton.

You probably aren't familiar with the latter, but he's a skinny catcher who was down at Lakeland this year and later at Erie.  I think they would make a great tandem only because they are so different.  I'm not a stats guy (as mentioned), but their on-base plus slugging is essentially equal from the minors this year.  However, Skelton is a lefty swinger and walks a decent amount.  Ryan is a lot bigger and hits with more pop.  I think they would be an interesting every day addition to the lineup and we could even throw Skelton in at the top of the order to bat Grandy lower.

Step 4) Build this rotation.

1: Verlander
2: Galarraga
3: Garcia
4: Bonderman
5: Miner

Bondo is the biggest question mark, in my opinion.  If he poops out, you still have options in the minors or *gasp* Robertson.  I think Nate is much better served in the bullpen with his mentality and I hope he gains some of that fire once again when he left many runners on base.  Maybe if he brought back Gum Time...

Step 5) Gut the bullpen.

Easy to write, hard to fix.  I would bring back Seay, Zumaya, and Frodney.  I expect nothing out of the last two, but hey, at least they showed us something in 2006 (yes, I realize I'm holding them to a different standard than Leyland).  How in the world you piece the thing back together is beyond me.  See, it would be helpful if I had some scouts right now.  And if you want to get really distraught, look at how Byrdak and Grilli did this year for the Astros and Rockies.  Oh, Awesome Fossum you were a sad replacement...

Step 6) D-Train, the outfielder.

Hey, it worked for the Cardinals with Rick Ankiel.  And if you don't do that, at least stop messing with the guy's mechanics he's used since he was 10.

Step 7) Bring back Edgar.

As much as I would like to see an amazing defense on the left side of the infield, I'm still a little leery of leaving Santiago out there for a full season.  I know he's Mr. Happy's boy and he did have a power surge late.  Still, for what we gave up for Renteria, I think we have to see if he can make that trade look a little less lopsided.  Give him another year at a huge discount.  He did have a solid second half and just as many errors as a supposedly great defender like Orlando Cabrera.

Step 8) Cut Sheffield early.

Again, tied down to a bad trade and a big contract, we have to give him another look.  If he sucks early on, prevent him from impeding the development of our young guys.  Give his at-bats away just like he does, only this time maybe someone else will do something with them.

Step 9) Build from within.

I'm done with spending a ton of money.  If we are going to be a perennial threat, we have to buy into a philosophy like the Twins.  They draft and bring up only the players that fit their system.  Minnesota wins year in and year out, no matter who is on their roster.  That way, you'll never have to suffer reading through such a long note ever again.

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Anyhow, that's a few ideas.  Will any of them happen?  Doubtful (hey, Inge might be our SS by 2009 knowing Leyland).  But is it fun to speculate?  Yes, and even better to hope.

Fearing he's going to wear a knee brace (Brian Cardinal style) when he runs (because he's so old),
Worm.

Some of you may remember back in the day when the Feed first hit.  Everyone flipped out, but I kept my cool and sung Facebook's praises (see my fourth note, "Dr. Wormlove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The New Facebook (And You Will To)").  In retrospect, I still think I'm right.

The truly new Facebook has taken a lot of flack lately.  And really,rightly so.

For starters, the Feed is almost too inclusive now.  I had to go and specifically put in names of people I don't want to hear about all the time (don't worry, I love all of you...but the people who comment on my notes get bumped up in my stories).

Two, the layout took a bit too long to get used to.  It didn't seem very Facebook-esque and more like some bastardized hybrid of the old Facebook and MySpace.  I do dig the tabs and especially how photos load now.

Not a huge peeve for everyone else I'm sure, but now whenever I compose a note, no thumbnail picture is included in the Feed to give people a preview of what they'll be reading.  I relied on that as a hook and carefully picked out what I wanted to showcase.

Bolding and upping the font size for the status, not cool either.  I like the ability to comment on people's statuses/stati/stata, but it also encourages the attention hookers out there who like posting completely obscure lines like "...thinks you have the darkest heart but it will never make me cold too because it's not like I'm sure if I still don't hate you tomorrow."  (Which reminds me of another shameless YTMND plug: http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/ )  Stop trying to get people to ask you what your message means and blog if you want people to listen to your whining.  Hey, it works for me!

Wall postings are a bit limited now as well.  While on Facebook, I'd like to minimize the amount of clicking I do.  More clicking = less time to stalk other people.  As such, if I see a wall posting, I'd like to read it and not click "Read More" only to find there wasn't even a full sentence left.

I believe I read that Facebook was interested in using up some of its white space, hence the new design.  I'm all for minimizing the extra space, but anyone notice that ads are either bigger or greater in number?  I'd rather see nothing over more of these:



Nothing against gay people, by any means.  But it's a little disheartening when that pops up simply because I'm writing Ernie who happens to be another guy.  Or there will be an advertisement that says "24 and STILL single?"  Maybe it's not in all caps, but they want you to think that.  Yes, we'll make you feel terrible about yourself so you buy our product.

And of course:



So really, a lot of wrong, some right.  If you have any other complaints, feel free to add a comment (it'll bump you up in my Feed) and I'll ship them all off to Facebook's feedback team.  Until then, we're at the mercy of a free website that will still rule our lives, no matter how bad they make it.

Not looking forward to the week,
Worm.

While walking in to work the other day, I looked down and realized how well I had coordinated my outfit.  Picture this (since I didn't take a picture): dark dress slacks, black Nunn Bush shoes, pink collared shirt, and a black tie with small pink diamonds.  So I thought to myself, "Ya know, I look so good today, I really wish someone would comment that I look dapper."

Sure enough, I roll into an early meeting and Liz makes that exact comment.  There was no way the day was going to get better than that.

Fast forward to this past weekend in Traverse City.  I was watching the State game like an avid fan with the always lovely Brooke.  We had a great time chatting up a fellow fan at the bar who, in between giving Brooke marriage and work advice, remarked that I was looking rather dapper.  Whether the MSU apparel over my shirt and tie had anything to do with it (or his roughly six beers), the world may never know.

So I'd been thinking about what really made me so darn dapper in the last few days.

Was it the expensive hair cream?

(Audio NSFW): http://dapperdanman.ytmnd.com/

Maybe the new shoes?

My better taste in matching shirts and ties?

I think it all boils down to one thing.  Well, really, two things:

It's business time,
Worm.

Before I shuffle off to bed, I got caught watching five infuriating minutes of Madden Nation (seriously, if you talk crap during a fake football game, you really shouldn't have your balls).  At the break, there were two commercials that caught my eye.

The first is Brooke Shields' campaign for VW.  The second ad in the series is a little funny, but I still find the whole series disturbing.  This is a woman who had some serious issues with postpartum depression, now making jokes about why women are having babies.  I don't know about moral compasses and whatnot, but this one seems to be pointing the wrong way.

http://www.vw.com/routan/en/us//video/

The second was for a new video game.  Two young men walk into a store and comment on how there is a new TNA game they are excited to play.  Is it wrong that I didn't realize it was about wrestling and instantly thought of 'Gorgasm: The Legend of Dong Slayer' from 30 Rock?

Thanks, Marci.

Wondering when F-Rod will get the eff out of town,
Worm.

Clearly I write far too often about things that aggravate me.  So, to save you from multiple blog posts of me complaining (read that as "I don't have enough material"), here's a small collection of things I particularly don't like:

Guys not wearing shirts in public.
- There's no excuse for this.  It's never so damn hot out that you can waltz around showing off your gut and schveaty-ness.  It's not even like you were out exercising or doing something so strenuous that you might pass out if you can't shed some heat.  No one wants to see your sweater of back hair that looks like pubes.  Just because you can take your shirt off without breaking any laws doesn't mean you should.  When it's un-Godly warm, get a beverage and save the general population from being traumatized by your flesh.


Keep your feet off the dash and inside the car.
- Really, this isn't nearly as bad...not even comparable really.  Tis merely one of those things that has perplexed me.  I've never felt a car ride to be so uncomfortable that I must treat the passenger's seat like a La-Z-Boy.  Then again, with advancements in automobile chair technology, it almost makes sense to be supine.  Well, aside from when you get in an accident and the air bag blows your ankles past your ears.

Bluetooth headsets are stupid.
- If you are a high profile lawyer or wear a suit on a regular basis, bluetooth ear enhancers don't look dumb.  It reinforces how rich and intelligent you are.  For the general population, however, it's absurd.  What call is so important you can't take the time to put a full-sized phone up to your ear?  Nope, not time to flip it or slide it open.  Must...push...button.  Ya know, the only person who ever pulled off the bluetooth look and wasn't a lawyer was this guy:


Fashion, smashion.
- To start with, ladies, if there's something guys wear that you can't stand, write it down in comment form.  In speaking for all men, I can confidently say that we will not hit on you if you are wearing one of the following:

Absurdly large wedge shoes.

Leggings.

Uggs (photo courtesy of tRCMB).


I can't get a credit card.
- At the beginning of the summer, I opened a new bank account.  I also submitted a credit card application which was later rejected.


Not now, Ron.

While at a consignment shop buying Billy Joel records with Fink, a customer ahead of us was getting ready to check out.  This 50 or 60-something female answered her Razr cell phone...upside down.  Now, I don't know how one goes about carrying on a conversation with the receiver in your ear, but the woman mastered the art.  We stand there, listening as she essentially yells into her phone and pays at the same time.  With what?

The very credit card I was denied.

Fresh out of Anchorman references,
Wyrm.

To whomever takes a razor to the mouth of that turdhole who keeps whistling during the Tigers games, either El Capitan Vidal style...

...or Joker-esque, your choice.  Fifty thousand bucks is yours.

Yes, I am willing to put up more than my yearly salary so that assbag will be blowing air out of the side of his/her cheek and not disturbing my Tiger broadcasts with inane noises.

That is all,
Worm.