Я знаю, что Вы сделали это для меня пострадал. Из этого много, я уверен.

Я действительно очень люблю тебя. Мне нравилось время, которое мы провели вместе, и действительно заботился о вас со всем моим сердцем. Когда вещи, закончившийся Я думал, что будет определенная степень цивилизованности, но я думаю я слишком много ожидать от вас. Став друзьями было больше, чем следовало бы когда-либо происходило. Выходящие за что был просто слишком много. Я не могу сказать, что я пострадал, потому что у меня нет оснований чувствовать себя пострадал. Омерзением будет лучше слова.

Я надеюсь, что вы рады, но только помните, что карма это сука. Я лучше этого и не позволим это смущает меня уже нет. Наслаждайтесь вашей жизни, я уверена, что уместно в скором времени будет на это время.

The question that I now find myself tackling deals with the notion of authenticity and being.  More precisely, what it means to be authentically me or authentically what I strive to become.  I don't mean this in the philosophical-ontological frame of reference, but rather in a consideration of how I should/must come to view myself.  Recent events in my life have really forced this question upon me and I'm not sure whether I'm completely satisfied with the person I am or my relations with others (which, arguably, have a reciprocal influence on who I am).  That all sounds really wordy as I re-read it, but I suppose that is what happens when you think about these issues for more than five minutes at a time.  

First: Who am I?  I can most certainly describe qualities that I think I am or that I think would be good classifiers for me.  They are (but are not limited to): student, male, friend, son, brother, Brother, gay, activist, Democrat, liberal, forensicator, critic, Latino, human.  Those are easily discernible and, I think, constitute my baseline personality and identity.  My question does not concern any of these factors. 

On the contrary, I find myself grappling with the multiplicity of my emotions in relation to my identity.  What I mean by this is that I find myself considering my identity in these terms, but I am separating my own emotional attachment from them.  I'm having a hard time evaluating whether I am doing or being any of these things 'well' or in a way that would make me 'happy.'  Perhaps the trouble with this question is that I'm not really feeling affirmed by any of these categorizations and I don't feel as though I am doing them justice.  

Am I a good student?  Am I a good friend?  Am I good son?  Activist? Democrat? Latino?  And, most important, am I a good person?  I never would have doubted the answer to these questions until recently.   My inability to formulate a 'true' answer really does frighten me – I feel dejected from myself.  

I know I can only be who I am.  I know that my worth can be validated externally.  I know that I am seeking internal validation.  I know that I am seeking happiness.  I know that I can only express what I feel.  I know that expressing those feelings probably forces me away from people.  I know the distance caused by those people will probably hurt me.  I know the distance caused by those people has hurt me.  I know the distance caused by those people is hurting me.  

Maybe this is just my 21^st century identity crisis.  The ultimate problem I find myself trying to answer (or maybe, overcome?) is whether it is possible to define my self-worth/happiness/identity without looking to others for guidance.  I'm not sure I'm equipped to answer that question. 

For those who read this: I don't expect a response (but feel free to respond if you'd like), but rather just a consideration of me, or, if you will, yourself.  Am I 'good' enough to fit whatever role I play in your life (be it friend, student, sibling, lover, fellow human)?  If I don't, why do I continue to occupy that position in your life?  I really am curious about this.  I sometimes find myself failing at being these things (by my standards) and that failure is really becoming quite disillusioning. 

But maybe there is hope for me and I just need to learn to be 'better.'  Because as Soren Kierkegaard would have us remember, "A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him."  I know I can be happy, I'm just not sure if I am ready for it...

I'm sitting in one of my political sciences classes at the moment, but for some reason I can't seem to focus enough to pay attention to any of the lecture.  I know that I should probably be listening, but there are just too many things on my mind that are really bothering me.  I had a really bad night yesterday.  I only got about two hours of sleep, and I feel a lot worse about things today than I probably should.  But this is what I tend to do to myself.  ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

The more I think about it, the more I realize I have a morbid curiosity and fear of death.  I went to a funeral service last night and felt a lot of things that I haven't experienced in a very long time.  When my dad died, I don't think I ever really dealt with the problems; I just suppressed them.  I was really young when it happened, and maybe it just made things easier to not think about my feelings and reality.  It is very odd how certain moments, days, and memories can be so permanently etched into your mind – it is even stranger that one can remember images, but not feelings or thoughts.  I remember seeing my father in the casket and not really knowing how to react because the weight of the situation really hadn't set in.  I remember a lot of details about that day: what everybody was wearing, where I sat, who talked to me, what they said – but for the life of me, I can't really remember how I felt.  The only thing I know I was thinking at the time was that it really wasn't him – that it was just a shell.  It was logical, I suppose.  If a body was just a shell, and a shell wasn't the real thing, then that meant that death hadn't really occurred.  I think I believed that logic.  I think I convinced myself that nothing had really happened and that it was just some sort of weird twisted dream.  The day of the funeral, I remember standing by the casket right before they closed it because I knew that I would never see my father again.  His body is one of the few images that really haunt my memories, and I'm not too certain why.  Maybe it's because I still believe that it is really just a shell.  Or maybe it's because I haven't dealt with his death as well as I could (I still haven't mustered up enough will to go and visit his gravesite).  I'm not really sure.  Going to the service last night really bothered me because I'm still terrified of seeing bodies – I still thought it was just a shell.  I feel as though I have managed to de-humanize the most basic of human processes…and that really bothers me. 

 

Thinking about all of this last night just made a lot of situations worse for me.  For the past year of so, I've been riddled with a lot of ridiculous insecurities that have been invoked by my situation with certain people.  I don't know why these feelings continue to persist, but this is really the first time that I've ever felt insecure about myself: my image, my talents, my mind, my opinions.  There are days when I wake up, look in the mirror, and just think about how absurd everything in my life has become…I wish I had some power over the way that others have made me feel.  I wish I didn't have so much self-doubt.  I wish I could go back to the days where I knew who I was and what really mattered.   But sometimes I just feel like those days are long gone.  My dependency on external validation has always been my downfall.  I think I missed a lot of my childhood because I was always so preoccupied with being first in everything I did.  While this desire to do well has no doubt helped me out quite a bit, I sometimes begin to think how different I would be if given the chance to go back and change things.  I loved my father, but when I think about the person that he was and who I have become, I really don't know if I can say he would be proud of the direction my life has taken.  I really do hate the fact that my perception of self has to be so crudely based on how others perceive me.  I hate the fact that I'll probably never be satisfied with my accomplishments until I know that I have approval from someone else.  And I really hate the fact that I'll probably never know happiness until someone else has known it first. 

 

The way I feel about myself now is probably just a reflection of what I learned as a child.  Yet, those initial lessons have somehow manifested themselves into something that is a lot more dangerous for me.  I don't think I'm just that child yearning for approval – I think I'm starting to realize that I'm just a child who can't appreciate himself.  There's a Latin proverb (which I'm considering getting as a tattoo) which states, "That which nourishes me, destroys me."  I think it's fitting for the person I've become.  I'm desperately reaching out to find that understanding of who I am…I'm trying to accept myself and my feelings…I'm trying not to be the insecure child anymore…

 

Maybe this is why I'm trying to change into something better now. 

Maybe this is why I'm trying to change into something you can't control anymore.  

You made me feel inferior. 

You made me feel ugly. 

You made me feel worthless. 

You made me feel worse than I've ever felt. 

 

I just need to wake up now and realize that you don't have that power.  You shouldn't have that power.  Once I realize that, things can change.  

So, two days into the semester I think it is fitting to give an initial response to my courses.  I would write a more substantive blog about my life as of late, but I'm at school and not really in the mood to think about my feelings and all that junk.  So I'm just going to talk about my professors and classes...

1.) Sociology 3341 with Dr. Brenda Risch - At first, this professor reminded me of the character from Family Guy that says "Oh mah Gawd, Yo' A Woman" and asked for sperm and a turkey baster in the shape of Jodi Foster's knuckles.  Aside from the appearance, however, she seems to be a pretty cool person.  She's going to be a pain in the neck about time and attendance, but I figure it shouldn't be too hard to make it there if the course is interesting.  It's a 'special topics' class that is going to focus on gender, technology, and the body...so that should be cool. 

2.) PoliSci 4348 with Dr. Takeo (Politics/Developing Countries) - I think this class is going to be interesting, but the focus isn't exactly something I would be drawn to immediately.  I thought the course would cover developing nations, in general.  But she's decided to focus the entire semester exclusively on Brazil...which may or may not be a good thing.  The work doesn't seem too hard and the only problem I might have is understanding what she says (She has a really heavy Japanese accent, so I had to listen to figure out everything).  It should be interesting though. 

3.) Communication 3371 with Dr. Sowards (Communication Theory/Analysis) - I think I might actually enjoy this class a lot.  She's already assigned us into 'teams' that we're going to have to keep for the rest of the semester.  I'm not always a fan of group work and being assigned to work with random strangers might be really annoying if they prove to be a bunch of slackers.  Our big project for the semester is pretty much writing a ten page CA, so I don't think I'm going to have much (if any) trouble doing that...so, if the group work doesn't suck entirely...I think I'll have a lot of fun.  Plus she's a pretty cool professor....

4.) Political Science 4318 with Dr. Staudt (Teaching Democracy) - I really really enjoyed Dr. Staudt last semester and learned a lot in her class.  So I figured I would have a similar experience this year....and I think I might be very mistaken.  The major problem I have with the class is that there are about 120 people in it (which is ridiculous for a senior level course) and most of them aren't political science majors.  Normally, that wouldn't bug me, but when 80% of the class is there because they are majoring in education...I know I'm going to have a problem.  Plus, our class is very old (it's a lot of people who are like 40 and barely going to college) so I know that there is going to be major friction when we start having discussions in class (mainly because I know I will be very vocal and will probably get pissy with conservative-minded people).  She's a good professor though...so we'll see how this one ends up.  Maybe I can get accused of being a sexist all over again like last year!  yay!

Political Science 3321 with (???? - they changed professors and I don't remember the new one's name...she's a new professor here though, I think).  (Civil Liberties and Rights) - I'm actually kind of scared of this course.  The focus is going to be on Supreme Court cases.  I don't enjoy the law thing, nor have I ever attempted it.  She's expecting us to write court briefs on cases that we will discuss in class and, considering I've never written one in my life, that really bothers me.  I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually, but I'm not liking the legal slant of the class.  I wish the pre-law classes were designated as such on the course listings because a class like this isn't going to benefit a theory hack like me too much.  I'd much rather talk about power and rights in the context of a theoretical/philosophical framework...but I doubt that discussion is even going to occur here.  *sigh*  I'll just have to stick it out, I guess. 

So yeah...that's my situation.  I'm sure if I suddenly change my mind about these classes, I'll blog about it...but for now, these are my initial thoughts.  :)

"'What is luck', he said, 'but the ability to exploit accidents?' He believed he was the centre of the world and for a long time there was nothing to change him from this belief...It was a romance.  Perhaps all romance is like that; not a contract between equal parties, but an explosion of dreams and desires that can find no outlet in everyday life.  Only a drama will do and while the fireworks last the sky is a different colour..He divorced the only person who understood him, the only person he ever really loved...That was the only part of the romance he couldn't manage by himself." 

"This year is gone, I told myself.  This year is slipping away and it will never return...There's only now.  Forget it.  Forget it.  You can't bring it back.  You can't bring them back.  They say every snowflake is different.  If that were true, how could the world go on?  How could we ever get up off our knees?  How could we ever recover from the wonder of it?  

By forgetting.  We cannot keep in mind too many things.  There is only the present and nothing to remember."  

-The Passion by Jeanette Winterson

These two excerpts are from the book that I'm reading for my English class at the moment.  I don't really feel like elaborating on my feelings but thought I'd share them with everybody because they stood out in my mind.  There's just something about them - an elegant beauty, I suppose.  I really connected.  Maybe you will too. 

The last few days have been pretty rough on me, so I think I need to write this entry as a way of venting/ranting and having, I think, some free expression...

It's funny really.  I heard once that bad things always happen in groups of three, and I guess that might be true.  You sit down and look at your life and all that you've done, and for some reason everything is just a blur.  What happened in the last day?  The last week?  The last month?  It's like grasping at thin air and hoping that you'll eventually find something to hold onto.  Sometimes you do.  Sometimes you don't.  It's really just that simple. 

I have so many thoughts and feelings floating around in my head right now and I wish that there were an easier way of opening my mouth and letting them all come flying out.  As I type, it is incomprehensible.  As I think, it is all just random nonsense.  But it's what I feel and, strangely, that's the only thing that really makes sense about it all.  It would be far too easy to just find a target for my anger and sadness and frustration, so I'll spare myself that meaningless victory and instead hope to grow from this all.  I know we both made mistakes.  More importantly, I know at some point we probably both hurt each other.  But we always work our way through it, right? 

I told you that I wouldn't be able to make you that promise yesterday.  And I stand by my words.  I want you to know, however, that even if it takes a long time, there will always be that place for you beside me.  I always knew that you were going to be a person I'd have with me for the rest of my life...I guess, maybe I just read the cards wrong and didn't understand the full capacity and manner by which you would do that.  You're my best friend.  And I fully intend to maintain that friendship.  But, please, if it's hard for me at first, try to understand.  I know I'm difficult and confusing most of the time...but we both know that deep down I have nothing but complete love for you.  And I'm trying.  I want to wake up every morning and make a conscious decision to try.  That's really all I can do.  So please help me with that. 

I told you that I felt like everything was falling apart. 
I told you that I woke up and things were a different color. 

But maybe that's what I needed.  It's just the shock of realizing that nothing is going to be quite the same.  It's the fear of dwelling on the difference rather than the similarity.  I think maybe I just need to learn to accept reality for what it is...hopeless romantic, am I?  Yeah.  I've always said that of myself...and I will hold that true until my last breath.  There are so many things wrong with this world, and maybe that's the only quality that redeems me.  That makes me human.  That gives me my own color.  I will learn to accept this new form of whatever it is we have...to embrace it...to know it for what it is...and to love it as best I can. 

I know this probably didn't make a lot of sense, but that's okay.  The person who this is meant for knows exactly what I feel.  He knows that at the end of the day, I'll be there no matter what.  That I'll care.  That I'll love.  And most of all, that I will just be. 

Well, my first year of collegiate competition is over (aside from nationals later this year) and I must say that I'm pretty happy with what I accomplished. I didn't qualify in all the events that I had hoped, but I did a lot better than most people do their first year, so I'm pretty happy. I got qualifications to nationals in extemporaneous speaking, impromptu, communication analysis, and poetry interpretation. With enough work I'm fairly certain that I can probably reach elimination rounds in 3 of the 4, so hopefully that will happen. I also managed to take individual sweepstakes awards at two tournaments, which, for a first year collegiate competitor is pretty damn hard to do! So, needless to say, I did well :D Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'll probably write a big, meaningful entry later...but debate has been on my mind and I thought I'd let ya'll know that Carlos is mucho happy with his results. Oh, and UTEP is going to be having a showcase type thing later this semester...so I expect you all to go out and watch me! I'll post the details for that when I get them.

So this is technically my first blog on myspace namely because I'm a much bigger Livejournal fan...I tend to document my life a lot more on that page than I do on this one, so I'll probably just write amusing stories on here.  That being said, gather 'round the fire and listen to my interesting tale...

So this week I've had the most horrible luck with birds.  I'm starting to think that they are all out to get me in a very Hitchcock-esque way and that's totally not cool.

I was eating pizza at school in the afternoon a few days, minding my own business.  We decided to eat outside because the speech room was kind of hot and it was a pretty nice afternoon.  So, Jess and I were just sitting around enjoying the afternoon and the Papa John's we had just finished and right as I'm about to stand up...BAM!  Right on my leg, a bird decided that it needs to have a bowel movement.  Needless to say, I was quite disgusted and horrified by the incident and screamed like a little girl.  Luckily, I didn't get any of it ON me, rather, it was just a mess that was made on my favorite pair of jeans (sad face for that)...I cleaned it off as best I could, but still had to run some errands that day feeling really gross because of the bird poop. 

I thought my luck would be getting better after that...but NO.  I got home today after staying with Serj and going to school...I was getting all of my stuff out of the car and putting a few of my books away so that it would be easier to carry in.  Now, for those of you who know my neighborhood, you know that I have A LOT of trees and, naturally, a lot of birds.  So, as I was just about to close the door to my car...BAM!  A second strike this week lands directly on my hand.  Once again, I screamed like a little girl because this one was just really gross due to the direct skin contact.  I ran inside as fast as I could and scrubbed for a good 5 minutes. 

I'm going to start carrying an umbrella...or a gun...or just live in a bubble.  This is getting out of hand.  If I get crapped on one more time this week, I swear, I will never go outside again.  *sigh*