Yes I’z did it, I did it!  Yes alright ya hear me I did it!  Now let me say ma piece!

     Since y’all intervew’n me best lis’n close.

     Tha sun was blazin’ that day, was a Friday if I’m memberin’ right.  Ah hell, hard to ‘member these days.  Nways, son o’ bitch in some truck colored like da sky smack me right in da back!  Lord knows I screamed the devils out the air.  Couldn’t right move on dat road for twenty sumthin’ minutes.

     So they keep me in tha hospital in sum forsaken white bed for twenty sumthin’ days!  Damn news flashin’ garbage, GARBAGE on da screen!  I don’t care no mo for what they sayin’ I ought be scared by.  White folk kept us scared long nuff in Mississippi.  All dey say is GARBAGE!

     When finally I get back home damn bed wouln’t let me sleep a shred.  I meanz a wink, I MEANT A WINK!  Let me talk dammit.

     So like I’z sayin’, couln’t sleep a winkz.  Der was some new kink in ma back, it hurt like hell.  Well so lemme tell you, I sleeped with a board unda my back dat night, it helped!  It helped but Lord knows it wasn’t enough.

     New folks moved in ‘round us here, called Johnsons I spose, no ideaz what they’d doin’ ‘round our parts.  They took care of der yard nice and clean though.  Had a couple childruns too, Maxie and Jessie or sumthins like it.  Fine childruns, the elders were sumthin’ else doe.

     The elders never looked us in da eyez, just turned heads actin’ like we weren’t nowherez.  I even comin’ ova one day bring ‘em sum my sugar cookies, rest of folks ‘round der love em.  ‘Stead the Johnsons turn ‘round and walked back inside.  Lil’ Maxie ‘n Jessie had some though.  I stroked der hair as dey ate; it was as smooth as silk.  As smooth as silk.

     “These are so good!” Little Maxie did say as ma fingers went through her hair.

     “Youz ought’a come ova then.  I make fresh onez jus’ fur you!”  I told ‘er back.  Idea of havin’ some visitors ova got me all excitedz.  Her head was bobbin’, it was as pretty blonde as could be.  Smooth as silk.

     So dey said dey would come ova da next day and den theyz ran back ‘cross home.  Damn Johnson folks peerin’ at us frum der curtains.

     Tried sleepin’ on jus’ bout everythin’ that night, Lord knows!  Put sum boards unda my mattress.  Dat mattress so thin so it push through just fine.  Din’t help though.  Tried spoonz, tried hangers, Hell I evenz tried ma suitcase!  None of it helped one bit!  Den I see my closet open.  I din’t open it!  I swearz to dis day I din’t open dat closet!  Well see, tha legs of my olddd doll were pokinz out from tha shadowz.  That doll was from ma youth.

     “Well,” I said “tried everythin’ else ‘sides the sink.” ‘N so I pulled her out da closetz.  Big ole black buttons fur eyes, messy black stringz fur hair.  She been smiling dat red smile in da shadowz for a longgg time!  She was big too!  Momma made her sizin’ of a three-year-old girl!.

     Well see I putz her under my sweet old mattress, da one Granddaddy made longgg ago.  Ms. Red Smile push through just fine ‘n armz and legz hit ALMOST ALL the right spotz.  Mades my back ALMOST fine, ‘n thank da Heavenz I slept.

     Fur dayz and dayz and dayz I sleep on Ms. Red Smile.  She helped!  She helped but Lord knows it wasn’t enough.

     I was walkin’ home from Church dat Sunday, done tired after all dat singin’.  I’m proud bein’ part of tha singin’ choir and I knowz Momma be proud in Heaven.  Newayz, was walkin’ home from Church and dem youngins Maxie and Jessie come runnin’ up.

     “Can we have more sugar cookies Ms. Weeble?”  Little Jessie asked as he lickin’ his lips.  I touched his head, smooth as silk.

     “Yeah please Ms. Weeble?”  Little Maxie asked after.

     “Oh childruns I ‘spose so!  Jus’ walk with me,” I told ‘em as we walks down Rose Way.  Rose Way always my favorite street, weepin’ willows all ‘round you with red roses brushin’ ur legs.

     “Ms. Weeble you have a pretty voice,” Little Maxie did say, bless her heart.

     “Well thank ya darlin’,” I told ‘er back.

     “I can sing too!  Watch this,” Little Jessie said ‘fore he started singin’ like a cat on a barbecue.

     “You ain’t no good!”  Little Maxie said to ‘im with a red nail pointin’.

     “Am too!”  Little Jessie says back ‘fore pushin’ Little Maxie.  The two wentz back and forth ‘fore I stopped ‘em.

     “Thatz enough childruns, we almost home,” I told ‘em when the weepin’ willows started makin’ way for ma neighbors’ ugly brown yards.  UGLY!

     “Ms. Weeble how long have you been singin’ in the church?” Little Maxie asked me.

     “Oh Lord, goin’ on twenty sumthin’ years now,” I told ‘er back.

     “How old do you have to be to get in the church choir?”  Little Maxie asked.

     I pat her long blonde head, smooth, “Much older den you is,” I told her.

     “Maybe we can start a kid’s choir,” Little Jessie says then open his mouth to holler like a cat bein’ cooked.

     “No one wants to hear you singin’ dummy,” Little Maxie said to Little Jessie who den stopped his hollerin’ to punch his sister in the shoulder n’ they wentz at it again.

     “Hey that’z ‘nuff,” I told ‘em and grab Little Jessie by the arm, soft.  Datz when my back pinched real bad andz I lean over makin’ an ugly sound.

     “Ms. Weeble are you OK?”  Asked little Maxie, bless her heart.

     I’z made ‘nother ugly sound, “It’s ma damn back,” I told em, der eyes growin’ wide at me sayin’ damn… I ‘spose.

     “Let’s help her,” I heard Little Jessie say, bless his heart.

     “No no no,” I told ‘em as I stoodz up straight on ma own.  Goo’ posture gives a good back, datz what Granddaddy used to say.

     After couple minutez more weez all made it to ma home.  My yard ain’t nothin’ like dem other UGLY brown yards!  My yard is GREEN!  Lord it’s gotten so green and dem new roses addin’ red.

     Down the stones we went andz up to ma front porch.  That damn swing was swingin’ by itzelf again jus’ like Granddaddy swung.  Granddaddy carved roses in dat porch swing and alwayz said he could smell ‘em even though they wood.  Childruns alwayz called him Mr. Rose.  Dem childruns always drove Granddaddy crazy though.  He alwayz tolds me that I’m different, said I a old soul even when I young.  He hated rest of them childruns though.  HE HATED THEM!

     Little Maxie and Little Jessie follows me in home lookin’ ‘round.  Wasn’t sure if they be lookin’ at tha photos or tha new wallpapers.

     “Geez you sure love roses Ms. Weeble,” Little Jessie did say lookin’ in all directions wit’ his big blonde head.

     “Sure do,” I said to him simple, “Y’all steel want sum sugar cookies?”  I asked ‘em.

     “Who’s this?”  Little Maxie asked pointin’ to tha family on ma wall.  Her finger was restin’ on my big headed twinz brother.

     “Dat’s my brother Donnie,” I told her.

     “What’s wrong with his head?”  Little Jessie asked, dat little rodent.  It wasn’t ma brother’s faults.  When weez came out of Momma left side his head was all big ‘n round like someonez put a couple baseballs in der.  Doctorz said his skull all deformed or some such.  I be the only onez takin’ care of Donnie.  Daddy would beat him!  DADDY WOULD BEAT HIM!

     “He was born dat wayz and he died that way,” I told ‘em.

     “Weird,” Little Jessie kinda whispered, dat little rodent.  His sister elbow him good.

     “I won’t have no onez disrespectin’ my family in ma house ya hear me?  They all dead ‘n gone so let ‘em rest,” I told dem little ones loud.

     “Yes Ms. Weeble, he’s sorry,” Little Maxie says, nudgin’ her brother whoz I was lookin’ at tha whole time.

     “I’m sorry,” He says without lookin’ me in da eyez just like his Daddy and Momma.  Then ma damn back started pinchin’ again!  I leaned over makin’ ugly sounds.

     “Ms. Weeble?  What’s the matter?”  Little Maxie asked comin’ towards me.

     “I’ll be alright.”  I stop her with ma hand andz made more ugly soundz.  “Y’all still want some of ma sugar cookies?”  I asked dem again, breathin’ hard.  Der heads wentz up ‘n down, up ‘n down, up ‘n down, so big ‘n blonde.  Pain went ‘way ‘n I manage somehowz to straighten’ up.  Little Maxie—bless her heart—make sure I’z made it ok.  I pat her hand and started walkin’ toward ma kitchen.  Was still a mess der from tryin’ to find sumthin’ to sleep on weekz back.

     Ms. Red Smile was sittin’ der, between the curtains unda ma sink.  I din’t put her der!  I swearz to dis day I din’t put her underneath dat sink!  She stillz had big ole black buttons fur eyes, messy black stringz fur hair.  Lord she was big, ‘n her big red smile had gotten bigger.  I swearz in Lord’s name it gotten bigger! Sittin’ next to her stub fo’ a hand was ma rat poison, forgot I’z had it.  Killed off dem rodents two years ago!  Den the damn pain hitz me like a train!  I bent ova and made dem ugly sounds.

     “Ms. Weeble do you have a T…” Little Maxie did say ‘fore she saw me stoopin’ over.

     I’z sucked in da air, “Nah… you’z and your brother… go playin’ outside,” I says lettin’ air out da whole time.

     “Ms. Weeble do you want me to get help?”  Little Maxie asked comin’ closer, bless her heart.

     “No childrun, you go out there and play now,” I toldz her, still bendin’ over.

     “Are you sure?” She did ask.

     “Yes yes yes… go on now!”  I told her raisin’ ma eyez to her, she took some seconds ‘fore turnin’ ‘round to go out der with Little Jessie.  I din’t have the heart to tell her what they be walkin’ over in that yard.

     I stay bendin’ ova like dat for a good five sumthin’ minutes!  Den I tried straightenin’ up.  Lord knows it hurt worse den the fires of Hell, but I made it I sure did.  My stepz hurt goin’ ova to the oven.  I made it though I did an’ started workin’ on dem sugar cookies.  Ms. Red Smile was still jus’ smilin’ undaneath that sink.  Lord she was BIG!

     It hurt worse den givin’ birth to a thorn bush when I beatin’ dat cookie dough, ma damn back HURT!  I knewz I wouln’t be sleepin’ dat night, but I kept beatin’ that dough so to stay with ma word.  I always stay with ma word.

     “Her family looked like a bunch of weirdos,” I heard Little Jessie say to his sister, that little DEMON!

     “Quiet she might hear you!”  Little Maxie says back to him.

     “She can’t hear me, she’s somethin’ like seventy,” the little bastard said.  I’z sixty-fuckin-two.  ‘Scuse ma language but I AIN’T SEVENTY!

     “She’s not that old now stop being such a jerk she’s making cookies for us!”  Little Maxie told ‘im back, bless her heart.

     “I bet she’s got somethin’ wrong with her head too like her retard brother,” the little demon did say, the pain in ma back shot up to ma neck.  I din’t make a sound no I did not, ‘stead just beat dat damn dough harder.

     “What the heck is wrong with you Jessie?”  Little Maxie did ask him.

     “Haven’t you heard what Daddy says about these people?  We only moved here ‘cause we can’t afford nothin’ else,” Demon Jessie told Little Maxie back.

     “I don’t believe what Daddy says.  She’s making us cookies!  How bad can she be?”  Little Maxie asked.

     “Bad, real bad.  Daddy says negros are a bad group,” Demon Jessie said to his sister.  I beat dat dough so damn hard I thinkin’ I might break da bowl.  They started talkin’ quiet after dat so I couldn’t hear no mo.  Little bastard… LITTLE DEMON!  He ain’t got no right be talkin’ bout me or my family like dat, DEMON!  Tha painz in ma back got worse but I still made no sounds no I didn’t.

     Me bein’ all quiet I heard a sound from unda the sink.  I look over der and I swearz Ms. Red Smile push an arm out further pointin’ to that rat poison!  I swearz to this day she did it!  Turnin’ my head back make ma back hurt even more, andz I beat that dough harder.  I heard Demon Jessie sayn’ profane things, TERRIBLE THINGS!  Childrun was a RODENT just like his Daddy!  The pain was goin’ up ma neck into my head; I’z knew I wouldn’t be sleepin’ dat night.

     Dat’s when I heard what made ma pain go crazy, “Nigger,” I heard Demon Jessie say ‘fore Little Maxie shut him up.  Den right after I hear ‘nother sound from under ma sink.  Turnin’ my head hurt worse than brushin’ ma teeth with razor bladez.  Der was Ms. Red Smile, layin’ face down with stub fo a hand pointin’ to that rat poison.  Wasn’t no mo than two feet ‘way from me den.

     “Nigger,” Demon Jessie try to say quiet and I hearz him laughin’ as he sayin’ it.  I was still lookin’ at the rat poison.  Killed dem rodents two years ago.  Jessie was still sayin’ TERRIBLE things out der while Little Maxie kept on tellin’ him to shut up.  I knew why Granddaddy hated childruns like he did, Lord knows I knew why!  Ma pain was stabbin’ me all over.

     “She’s a retard,” I heard Demon Jessie say ‘fore his sister slapped him hard.  Ms. Red Smile was still pointin’ at dat rat poison, so I decidez to pick it up.

     Big ole rat skull with cross bonez against that old canister, still had plenty of stuff in der too.  Poison not stuff.  I MEANT POISON DAMMIT!  Anywayz, dat little bastard was still sayin’ mean things, TERRIBLE things, bout me and now my twinz brother Donnie.  Ma pain wasn’t just in ma back no mo but stabbin’ me all ova like a blanket of butcher knives.

     “Nigger lover!”  I hear Demon Jessie say to his sister.

     Now is when I’z did what I will always regret, I neva should’a done it!  I NEVA SHOULD’A DONE IT!  Lord… Lord almighty… I neva should’a done what I did then.