well, this morning i was awoken hastily by some dickhead blasting music from his car.  Slipknot would have been ok.  Disturbed would have been ok.  The Marshall Tucker Band would have been ok.  Buuuuut NO! This jag bag decides its just fine to cruise around at 7:45 in the morning blasting "love train".  You know the song.  Think back to those annoying Coors commericials, where exhausted and famished folks are suddenly refreshed by the "silver bullet" a.k.a. a can of Coors.  Along with quenching their thirst, the Coors taste rides into town on a train covered in frost.  Obviously the train is what makes people purchase beer.  Its not the taste of the Coors product, but rather a ficticious train that looks like it was a reject from the set of the polar express. 

The point is, being startled awake by "love train" got me thinking about two things. 1. the horrible feeling of a punch in the dick. 2. egons unicat has been lending an open ear to people's views on a very serious issue hitting the national music scene. So, I feel its now time to extend this question to the virtual word abound.

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY LISTEN TO THE BAND TRAIN?

now think about it.  at first, you may laugh, at first you may smile.  But we want you actually consider this.  Train has supposedly sold millions of records, supposedly toured countless cities. And supposedly amassed a giant fan base.

......but have they?

we are of the opinion that there is a some type of conspiracy floating around.  The record companies have gotten wise to the fact that people are sick of big choruses and even bigger egos.  They understand that the American public has seen it all when it comes to shitty music.  We think the public disgust for bad tunes has actually offended the record companies.  They record companies felt like they had a system that worked.  They take a brand of music. Water it down. Then copy it over and over and over.  All the while making tons o cash.  The record companies felt happy because they made millions, and felt the American public was happy because they had something to fill their otherwise silent lives.  But now the American public wants more. They are tired of the gracious favor the big record companies have been doing for them.  So they decide to start stealing music that they like by way of free downloads instead of buying it.  Arrrggg. this offends the record companies.  So. its time to strike back.  The record companies try law suites and fail. They try regulating the internet and fail.  So, they resort to the last option.  Its time to punish the  ungrateful American public.  The plan has to be big.  It has to be something monumental.  It has to hurt so bad you wish that you were being startled awake by "love train" at 7:45 in the morning instead.

So the record companies decide to take a watered down style of music.....and make it even worse!  Oh yeah! they are gonna make this one reeeeaaally bad.  They will make a style of music that is so terrible, no one will actually listen to it.  And then here's the twist.  The record companies will put the music everywhere. On the radio, music videos, even the background music in your favorite movies.  Then, the record companies will boast high record sales, high ticket sales, and giant fan bases.  Once the American public sees all the publicity, they will lose faith in mankind, and feel like one collective bunch of dumbasses.  This will make the American public pay for their ungratefulness.  So, the record companies go down to their secret labs.  Craft a plan for the band.  Search the country for countless hours seeking out the biggest douchebags they can find.  And finally, one day, IT IS COMPLETE! And the drops of jupiter begin to rain down on the unsuspecting American public.

So, egons is out to crack this conspiracy. We are out to bring down the monster known as train.  But. We need your help.  We need to you to answer one simple question.  Do you listen to train? Each "no" answer we get will bring us one answer closer to proving that no one actually listens to train.  If this is true, then so is the conspiracy!

So answer the question people, its your American duty.

-Tim of the Cat

So here's the deal,

Im eating food the other day when two meat heads decide to sit in the booth next to me.  The conversation between those two was......idiotically intoxicating.  Amidst the loud chomping of the guy who had a terrible goatee and the other guy who i will call "acne face" they decide to start talking about music.  I overhear the nasty goatee mutter the phrase "they are like glam alternative, except they aren't".  After this phrase (which conjured ideas of a baby who's parents were third eye blind and hanoi rocks) i decided to hone my ears to the likes of their convo.

Turns out I wasted about 45 seconds of my time after realizing that this dude was talking about Andrew W.K.  He decided to categorize this awesome fun band as "glam alternative".  Not only do I not know what "glam alternative" means, but why rip on Andrew W.K. in the first place????  Furthermore, he said, they are like "glam alternative", but they arent.  WHAT THEY HELL DOES THAT MEAN??? thats like saying its like day, but its not, or, thats like a shark killing a lot of people in a 1970's movie but its not. 

My question, therefore, is broken down into 3 parts:

1. What exactly is "glam alternative"?

2. How can you be "glam alternative", but then you really arent?

3.Why would anyone ever rip on Andrew W.K.?  (they stand for everything that is a good time)

please help me understand, please post some answers

 
2009: The Year of the Lobster
by: Sean Patrick*---
So it's a new year...2009
Has anyone made any resolutions? It's January 9th. Have you already broken that resolution?
My resolution was to stop listening to Spacehog but alas that didn't happen. I just can't get enough of "Mungo City"! So triumphant!!
For New Years we did it up all ages stock at the Total Rec in Streator with the Lot of Fickle's and then brought the drunken pain with the Tape of Rebekah's at 9th Street. This is the third New Years in a row that we've spent at 9th Street, and as depressing as that is I can honestly say that this is the biggest mess we've made so far. Thanks mostly to the tape boy's unmatched passion for joy and heaps of shredded paper. What Egon's lacked in confetti we made up with in woodchips and oversized blowup holiday icons. Overall an excellent time. There were pictures. I'm sure there were. I'm also sure that if you were not there and you are reading this you will probably never see them because we are extremely inconsistant when it comes to posting pictures.
January 1st 2009. Egon's headed to Tecate (that's the name of a Mexican cervasa not a recording studio but I can't remember the name of the studio right now so just pretend it's Tecate ((or Tecate Light)) if you prefer) to record some songs for a couple projects that are currently in the works including a possible split 7" with Cloud Mouth. Rock.   EDIT: the studio was Talaski (sic)
We recorded a buttload of songs including a brand new song inspired by possibly the greatest movie ever about a bearded millionaire that seduces woman by flying around in his personal helicopter and than feeding them to his hungry cats: The NIGHT OF A THOUSAND CATS. If you can find it check it out.
Speaking of Horror Films:
Watch these!! "Trailer Park of Terror" and "Inside"
Don't watch this!!! "Slaughterhouse Massacre"
Trust me here people.
 
January 2nd Egon's hosted the  "It's not 2009 till we say it is party" @ the Estate in Chicago.
This is only a slice of what happened:
Introductions'>http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=49766836">Introductions by Tim
..
That's all I have to say about that.
I will end this letter with a jem from the past. Andrew used to write for the IVCC weekly publication the IV Leader. Here's one of his sweet articles.
IV Leader - January 26th, 2006
Falling Down the Mountain w/ Andrew Kelly     IV Leader Staff
What the college needs now...
I've noticed that there are many things missing from IVCC that I was very much used to seeing while spending my days as a pubescent teen in high school. For some reason, all the excitement is gone from going to school now. We go to school, get our work done, and just leave, without any extracurricular dilly-dallying. So I now will bring to the table some questions that I've thought about while struttin  the halls.
First, where the dickens are all the fights anymore? Fights were a weekly occurrence in high school. What better way to show off to the opposite sex and to prove how big your genitals are than to strap on the bare knuckles and bust a few skulls? So starting today, let's see the fists start flying.
Onto my next issue. Whatever happened to the sweet makeout action that used to be commonplace in school. It's downright Patriotic I think. All the historic Americans dabbled in the afternoon makeout in the hall: Joe Dimaggio and Marylin Monroe, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, Romeo and Juliet, The Burger King and Ronald McDonald. You see, making out in the school hallways is part of the American fabric, and if we're fighting for anything in Iraq anymore, it's for the right to indulge in our significant other's saliva.
Next on the chopping block is the fact that dodgeball is now non-existent in my life and yours. Now seriously what would make you scream out "Yay, School!" more, than being concussed by a screaming fastball to the noggin. Instead of that ridiculous book fair that seems to pop up in the lobby every semester, let's move all the couches aside and have the tournament right there. Instead of buying useless coloring books (or whatever else they sell ) , let's bust out our balls and let them fly.
Well, that's all for now kittens. Hope you've enjoyed it. Maybe you have some insight? Maybe not. Maybe you have some cookies you want to bake us?? Ok. Deal!
As a last precautionary note to everyone. KISS's 1981 album "Songs from 'the Elder' " is just as bad as everyone says it is. Don't even bother.
 In more 80's rock related news:
DO bother with these 2008 releases: Guns n' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" and Metallica's "Death Magnetic". I can't make a case for AC/DC's "Black Ice" because I haven't heard it but Tim says it rocks so that's good enough for me.
Because Guns n' Roses released "Chinese Democracy" in 2008 I got a free 20 oz. Dr. Pepper!!! Did anyone else???!

bye.

So once again Jeremiah Joe's, in particular the owner/manager, has canceled a show at the coffee shop.

Needless to say, I and the rest of the Egons crew are extremely angered and disappointed with Jeremiah Joe's.

For a place that claims to be a Christian coffee house, continually breaking promises doesn't seem  to be quite moral.  I'd have to look pretty hard in the good book to find the chapter on lying and being unreliable. 

Second, from a business prospective, it is completely and utterly unprofessional to make deals and then go back on your word.  Even more important, it is entirely irresponsible to continually make promises to bands (who have to contact other bands, promote the show, etc) without ever checking to make sure the venue has no other prior obligations.  Not to mention the fact that Egons has personally had to miss at least 3 other shows because we turned down the offers, relying on the fact that manager at Jermiah Joe's already had us booked.

Third, this show would have been scottie's last show with vintage powersource, which is something that means a lot to all of us.  Now that the irresponible manager at Jeremiah Joe's has gone back on his word again, things are looking bleak for any show to happen this saturday.

Most importantly are the kids who want to go to these shows, and have to be continually let down about being able to see live bands, all because Jeremiah Joe's decides they can cancel whenever they feel like it. 

I dont know about you guys, but I'm fed up with Jeremiah Joe's and I doubt Egons will ever play there again.  I would encourage anyone who feels discontent with the decisions made by jeremiah joes to let the owner/staff know how you feel...but make sure to do so in a respectful and responsible manner. 

If this is how the owner of Jermiah Joe's conducts himself on all business matters, I dont see myself ever buying coffee from there again, for fear that he may tell me to come back tomorrow to get it, and then the next day, and the next day, and the next day.......

Tim of the cat

debunkin' myths! so, i preface this conversation by assuming that the majority of the ladies and gents who come to egon's page have hopefully viewed the revenge of the nerds series

most of my life, i have always thought that those quirky poin dexters who starred in the revenge of the nerds series were always just a creation of hollywood, like king kong or barbara walters' cheek bones, and i was content with this way of thinking. 

But in the recent times, it seems that i have been noticing more and more nerds.... something that a 12 year old tim gatza, enthralled with the idea of givng a wedgie the size of texas or holding a geek upside down and shoving his head into a toliet as it flushes, could ever imagine. (note: the 12 year old tim gatza was actually too big of a wussy to hold a kid upside down to a toilet)

now these nerd that i have been noticing arent exactly cut from the same jib as those hollywood megastars, like gilbert, louis, or even booger, but there is a certain nerd swagger....a certain dorky strut.......dare i say a dweeby drawl...........ok i take back the dweeby drawl......but still........what the hell?!

anyway, just keep your eyes peeled....somehow i have gone my whole life without noticing these flim flams until now, and im quite disapointed that i wasted so many years thinking these nerd were just a figment of my imagination. 

I've decided to compile a quick reference list to help you decifer on whether or not you have stumbled upon one of these "nerds":

1. dont be fooled by the standard nerd with glasses, nerds come in all shapes and sizes, so don't limit your gawking to those who sport the 4 eyes.
2. check for dried snot around their nose, or crusty shit around their mouth (a sure sign they have never had a lady)
3.  if they make more than one references towards any type of futuristic machinery and/or technology, chances are you are dealing with a class A candy ass
4.  if their t-shirt references anything that you would read about in a steven hawking book, then obviously its a nerd
5. and finally, if they make reference to any type of dice that has more or less than six sides (the type you use in monopoly) then ya got a damn dweeb on your hands

peace!
timbo slice

as planned, the cats rocked another year solid for our annual 4th of july bash at the house that wizzards built, otherwise known as roughnecks

i will call this year's party more of a two day bash, as we actually started the party on the 3rd before the fireworks.  Needless to say, explosions in the sky cause americans to get crazier than john kruck in front of a BLT sandwich (sorry phillies fans)...... so, not as planned, oglesby's finest rolled up at necks at some point throughout the nite, amidst many underage hooligans (roughneck's friends) running fearfully inside.  Old sean boy and me smoothed the situation over with the law, but the party had to disburse...or did it????.......sean decided to rally the party to his place, waiving his arm in a motion that reminded me of paul reveire or george washington or the "oh yeah!" red pitcher of cool-aid bringing the troops, or party in this case or the case of the red pitcher of cool-aid in any mid-90's commercial, back to life

i later found out that sean decided to stop off at bulldogs, a quality oglesby bar, for a drink before heading to the party that had already started at his house (at 3:00 a.m., with his parents fast asleep)  the law eventually rolled up to seans house as well, after a  U.S.A. chant beckonned their arrival.  now, as legend goes, sean brough the cop into the pool house to smooth the situation over... all went well....and unless the large pool noodles that serve no purpose except to tan your friends back with a hard whip or the little floaty things that you put on your arms can talk, no one will ever know what happened in that pool house

mooooovving on to the next day...we fired up the grill, ate some dogs, drank some beer, and swam in roughneck's artic-like pool.  it was a sad fact that the pool was actually chilling my drink....but alas everyone at the party still had a bitchin time

we headed to peoria that nite to rock the downtown with our partners in crime, the goodyear pimps.  show went great.....although i think the crowd may have laughed harder at a stale episode of the george lopez show than at some of my jokes about fireworks.....BUT! the award for drunkest person ever was yanked from our merch guy jimmy (who drank 3 giant bottles of wine and many beers) and given to our friend pepe......this dude was walking around the venue all nite asking people to skull bong....and so it seemed his head was in the right spot...until we found out that he had taken his skull bong love so far as to walk into the women's bathroom and offer to give skull bongs there.....as predicted, this act of love for skull bongs got pepe ejected from the venue, but not ejected from our hearts

the next nite, to cap off a weekend of freedom, the cats and the pimps rocked our state's capital at a venue in downtown springfield called marly's (otherwise known as the greatest place to play ever)  there was talk of ordering the world's largest pizza from this place called the pizza factory....the pizza cost $250 dollars and has to be given to you on a crane....a literal fuckin crane with chains and other industrial looking things

obviously the price of the worlds largest pizza struck fear into the hearts of the cats, and it was resolved that we will take a seperate trip down to springfield just to eat the pizza (anyone who wants in let us know) 

the show went well....we rocked the place old-timey style...and the pimps brought the pain like always.......after the show, i was in a brief altercation with the hot dog vendor who was outside the venue....he tried giving me a crappy crusty hot dog when he had many delicious dogs to give as well.....i asked for another one...he got pissed...slammed the tray...i said "woah dude, calm down, i just wanna dog"...he then became irate and asked me if i would like to purchase his entire hot dog cart for $150, as he was ready to walk away from the "i stand outside of bars in sprinfield and sell hot dogs from a cart at nite" industry.....maybe it was the gyro cart guy down the block who was giving the hot dog the real problem, but i felt that i ordered a footlong hot dog, not a footlong shitty attitude.....

after a heated debate of whether or not to stay the nite in the capital, some cats left, while others stayed and rode home with the pimps the next morning

abe lincoln would be proud of the cats i suppose

tim of the cat

so many different eras come to mind when i think of the 90's......such as the "its cool to wear doc martin's" era, the "wear shit loads of L.A. style maximum hold 5 gel in your hair" era, and the "holy shit, LFO makes cool music" era (the shittiest of all eras).....but none bring a warm sensation to my stomach quite like the way the "woah! its a crazy football" era

now, im pretty sure that nerf started this era, making squishy footballs, then the footballs with the spirals in them, then finally the miniature spiral footballs.  the vortex was a personal favorite of mine.....as you all may recall the commerical with dan marino throwing the vortex out of dolphin stadium (i know, there has been some controversy around the actual distance of this "throw"....but i still stand by it as dan marino's greatest accomplishment as an athelete)

aaannyyway....the point is...somewhere in this era, there was a commercial that graced my eyes....and changed my life forever.  the details of the commerical now are a bit sketchy, but needless to say, there were some nerdy lookin kids with bowl cuts havin a gay old time.....throwing around.....a glow in the dark football?!?!  yea thats right, this mo fuckin thing glows in the dark.....AND you got some type of wrist band to wear to make you an easier target.  the glow was a bright orange, similar to the bright colors seen on the tv show guts (also in its own era of nickleodeon athletic contest shows)

somewhere around my 12th b-day i aquired this football, and spent many days waiting for night time just so i could use the glow in the dark football (now i realize how unecessary waiting was, as i could have just utilized the daytime i spent waiting to throw the damn ball)  alas, many good times were had with this football, even though it was just a knock of nerf design....except not squishy.  for whatever reason, the ball appeared soft with its cool looking spirals, but was actually as hard as a damn stone.....(im pretty sure i whipped this dense glow in the dark object at my brother's rib cage many a time hoping to create tears)

sooooooo
the point of this long and dumb story is to see if anyone has any knowledge of the whereabouts of this type of football, as this summer i would like to bring back the era of sweet footballs and get a night game going in oglesby with this very such football

lemme know yo
tim

soooo....

its been a while since any of us have recapped some shows, so why not now?!

friday nite we played at cj’s lounge in downtown rockford with the legendary nil8. let me say....we have never played with these dudes before, but have heard many a good thing about them......and they delivered like u.p.s, except we didn’t need to sign for the package of rock....the place was full of people who were into rock, which made the cats happy, all of us except mikl, who couldn’t make it that nite...damn!

aaaaaaannnnnnnnnyyyyyywwwwwwwwwaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy

we roll in to the d-town (dekalb for those who arent down with the sweet lingo) on saturday for what would be our first time rocking at starbusters.........the place was pretty sweet...and even better, we were playing with the mother fuckin pimps......let me tell you ladies and gents..... pimps = rock gods
we love those boys the most straight men can love each other.....except for kevin....who wants to make out with their manager gt........or so we hear........
to sum it up...place was packed.....we brought the weird times...pimps brought the rock.....a solid nite overall

then, when i got back to the chicago on sunday, i find out my roommate jimmy, also our merch woman, spent the weekend looking out our window on the 16th floor with binoculars at our neighbors, who were two dudes with no pants on......jimmy even went as far to tell me, with enthusiasm i may add...."yea dude, i could even see their screen saver...it was two naked guys going at it!"...........i sincerely hope jimmy didn’t think this would impress me.........or at least impress me in a good way.....and if he denies he spent his time doing this...which he then tried to.....helen brown.....a girl, who is quite the cutie i may add, was staying with him the whole weekend and confirmed the story.

so, if we were to plug jimmy’s weekend into a math equation....it would something like this

jimmy + cute girl = avoiding her and staring out the window at naked dudes


boo to jimmy for making all men a little less burly

jimmy needs to stake out his manhood this weekend in springfield....i will report back on monday

timbo