its been... a while eh?
sorry about that. things on this front have been good, bad, ugly, and well, better.. much better.
lets step back and start at the beginning: its gonna be a long one.. grab a smoothie or something.
december-ish
--i started using this great thing , you may have heard of it, its called SHAMPOO!! totally awesome-sweet stuff!! (my mom bought me a fierce twenty pound costco Tresemme set back in may and well, with the relapse and all, i didn't really have a need for it til now) then, shampoo's brother CONDITIONER makes a stop as well and boy is my hair smelling delicious!! right around thanksgiving, my hair started sprouting and now its at a short a length that its starting to curl up a bit and im thinking i might have to buy some gel in the next two weeks (not that i don't love the dollar store gel that i bought two years ago..)
HAIR man., HAIR! (BTW, that's hair everywhere chief...) once again, i don't plan on getting a haircut this year til its nice and mexican-mullet long. though there has been suggestions that i should at least tailor and trim it a bit..but nahhhhh!
--radiation ended in mid december and it took about three weeks for the side effects to wear off.. anytime i ate/drank/swallowed anything was a problem. i lost a few pounds but right around christmas time things started to heal and i felt much better.. in fact, that radiated area on my chest and back has also recently starting sprouting some hair. this whole time i had a flying V from my sternum to my neck that didn't have any hair at all though it was growing everywhere else.. funny, but weird.. but funny.
january-ish
--The Wellness Community (where i attend my weekly cancer support group) offered six sessions with an intern therapist. and it's free!! cause lets face it, if i spoke to you anytime from october, you knew i was having many problems--what's the best word mentally?, psychologically?, in me cabeza?-- i was having issues. major issues. its so weird, but the last five months, post hospital transplant stuff, have been the most difficult of the last two years, if not my life. and it was all mental. it was my first time doing real therapy and i think it helped it bit. i mean, i got to do something i really like (hear myself talk) and those discussions would revolve around my favorite subject (ME!) the six sessions took place over 10 weeks or so and i was able to let out some stuff. so this, along with my weekly group has been good to me.
--with the news that my january scan had turned up clean, it also meant i had to go back to work cause my disability was going to run out. on one hand i was looking forward to being a productive member of society, on the other it was waiting tables and having to deal with customers. so feb 1 was my first night and i handled it pretty well. it all came back rather easily and what i didn't know i just B.S'ed (why yes that dish is great...... runs to the computer, what the hell is a pasta arrabiata??)
february-ish
--it was my first week back at work
--it was my first week back at work along with my first write up. yup, a new record for me, it took about 35 hours before my first infringement... lets just say, don't enter a zero guest count into the computer..apparently they care about that stuff now and it messes with numbers...in my case, it set off a large red bell...there was a place to enter my comments about what i had done on the write up. i wrote Sorry, My bad. it never fails, i just have to rock the boat. its in my nature to bug and bother. not so much anarchy from the inside, but a more of minor-thorn-in-the-side-mentality...more on that later..
--february 19th was one of those great days. the futbol games i had been looking forward to for 3 months had finally arrived. with my anxiety issues, days had been slow, long, difficult and this was the first marker i had to look forward to something fun and interesting.. the day was going well when my girlfriend got the email saying we had won tickets to go see The Hives in concert that night.. dude, i was totally stoked. for a long time, i didnt know if i would ever get excited at seeing a show again.. this coming from mr. seen-everybody-in-concert-from-debbie gibson-to-gwar-to-selena-to-everybody-except-Rammstein-and-Barry-manilow. (more on barry later...) one of my mental issues was whether i could go back to just being a normal, happy cesar. with the great games and the free tickets, i had felt like i had taken a great step forward. i went into my group therapy that night feeling positive and pretty damn bulletproof. but then, and im not kidding, i walked from the building to the car and by the time i closed the door, i knew i had picked something up..something not good.. during the concert(which was awesome!) i started sweating and knew something had overcome me. by bedtime, i had a fever. one great step forward, and then two huge ones back. the next week wasn't so bad that i wasn't deathly ill, i just had the flu and didn't feel good at all..
that's when some major depression set. im talking major. yes, the body gets sick from time to time, but now every cough makes you think something more terrible has come back and it starts to mess with your head. i remember thinking that if i had to go back to the hospital, that i might consider signing a do-not-resuscitate document_ yea, dude, that is not cool.
this too shall pass, and im glad to say it did. i know i start feeling better when i crank up some hardcore gangsta rap and start posing and puttin' invisible bullets into invisible gangstas that are all up on my nuts boyyeeeeee.
--the mental issues, well, its almost hard to explain.. once again, if i had any kind of verbal communication with you since october you knew i was trying to spell it out somehow. funny, two days after hearing my first scan had been clean and that at least things had worked the way they were supposed to , i was sitting in my car crying and wondering why i wasn't very happy.. it doesn't really make sense. i felt worthless, scared, and not excited about life. what was i going to do now with my life.. the acting thing hadn't really worked out.. the waiting tables thing was supposed to be temporary...i just didn't feel good. at all..
those thoughts havent fully left yet, but im not paying attention to them as much as i used to.. thats good.
March-ish
--decided to go ahead and attend the Coachella festival seeing as i could use three days in the desert to party, jump up and down and celebrate life again. even if jack johnson is headlining....lame i say, lame. at least kraftwerk and their robots will put a smile on my face
--More therapy: a friend has volunteered her services and i officially have a Life Coach. im excited about this. the goal is to figure out just what the hell im passionate about. i mean, lusting after alyssa milano all these years aint exactly paying my bills. there's got to be something out there that i can enjoy doing on a daily basis...
--which then leads to, am i an Actor? i don't know..its something im reconsidering. i haven't exactly been the most dedicated guy out there. ive had some success in the past but is it something i really want to keep pursuing at any cost? i have a good friend that wakes up everyday and wants to be an actor and will do whatever he has to to keep moving forward. i don't have that dedication, im not sure i ever really did. and that's what it takes to succeed. read any biography and you'll see that that person worked long and hard at being a success. tony hawk didn't wait tables and kind of worked at skateboarding. he skated everyday, anywhere and whenever possible--even through broken bones, torn ligaments and numerous wipeouts wherein he woke up in the hospital...
LL Cool J, Pele, the guy that invented Pong-they were all dedicated... its time to get some of that. but some friends have recently called me up and offered me something to do in the acting world. in some ways, im hoping it will reignite that particular fire in me. it has a little bit. at least being surrounded by other positive people and its a good step in the right direction. hell, i am very thankful for the opportunity. i don't know where its going to lead but at its most finite, its going to be something fun..
other small quick notes:
--had a great reunion with the first girl i ever asked to go 'steady' with
--had a great reunion with the first girl i ever asked to go 'steady' with that said for some reason said NO (same girl, it was cool seeing her after all those years)
--november 2008: we are booked and rescheduled for a two week jaunt through Ireland, Scotland, and England. the only goals: drinking ciders, futbol matches, and being an all around grade A hooligan..oh apparently, we'll see london bridge too or something.
--two hours before curtain, i remembered i had access to see Barry Manilow for free... sadly, i couldnt find any Fanilows to go with.. apparently, you cant call anybody up on valentines night and hope they dont already have plans in the next hour... sad. next time Barry...
--a side effect of one of the chemo's is that i now have a ringing in my ears. im trying to make my peace with it but it sucks...hey kids, wear earplugs at concerts, you just never know.. getting old sucks.
--watching too much LA Ink.. every week i have a new idea for my first tattoo. last month, it was the makes you want to feel lines from my favorite song by the jesus and mary chain..last week, it was the lightsaber poster from Jedi, this week's its my personal illumination of the Livestrong logo. who knows... -oh, and i was suspended at work tonight too. sent home for texting when i shouldn't have been... Lame, i know. but maybe its the catalyst ive been waiting for...
so yea, that about catches us up..maybe not on everything but on a decent amount of stuff. im doing better. better than i was, believe me. ill still appreciate it if you keep me in your thoughts. Life man, it can really mess with your head.
if you haven't heard me say this to you, just know that i love you guys. one of the small things ive being doing lately is letting people know that i love them. chances are, if you've spoken to me since october youve heard me say it... but in a cool way. and if you havent, my bad.
i love you yo.
your bulletproof friend,
cesar
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god gave me the strength to rock HARD, knock you out, mama said knock you out...