I'm in a really odd place right now. I can't really get across how off I feel. I feel separate from most things, as if I'm running to keep up and never quite getting close enough. I worry that the rest of my life is going to be like this. That I'll never quite feel the love Todd and I share the way I used to (though I know the way I feel about him hasn't changed at all) or the strong bond I have with my son and a thousand other things before I die.

 I feel like I'm reaching out to touch my little family and never quite reaching far enough to touch them before they've walked away caught up in their own thoughts. I know that part of this is that we really do have so little time and space of our own but how much is me and my stupid head? Am I doing something wrong? Am I feeling so far away because I don't want to be part of anything? Do I want to just coast here a separate being without responsibility or form or am I just so very tired of playing my role, trying to take care of everyone else when its me that's bleeding?

Granted half of this is probably stress from doing too much at once. I freelance, I'm a mom, I have a long-term relationship and when I can i still write.  I don't get to see my husband (not by law but close enough) or my son nearly enough and it seems like every day is some sort of marathon race to try and get a list of things done. I hardly read anymore and that is beyond bizarre let me tell you.

I am the sort of lady that is used to reading a hundred pages and more a day much less in a span of days. I'm normally the lady that relaxes with her son and watches him play or lets him curl up in her lap and snuggle close happy in just the rhythm of his breathing or the feeling of his heart beating against mine. I love my son, I love my husband and I loved the wonderful little home we had made on our own. I loved knowing that I had made that separate little piece of the world. That is was mine and it was whole, a wonderful gift after a long time of stress and pain and a thousand emotions crammed down beneath a mask of calm so everyone else could be happy. I loved the easy rhythm of a simple day, watching my son play, feeding him, reading and writing and waiting for his father to come home at the end of the day. Knowing that I could take care of them both without even thinking, that it was like breathing to love them, to care for them.

The small little things that seem so inconsequential when they're always there. Curling close to Todd as he read or played video games. Talking to him about all the things that happened that day, the wonderful little things Nikki had learned to do that day. The simple gift of his arms around me, without thought without reason, just there and relaxed, a being I could wrap myself in and know I was home with.  There were always so many things that meant so much.

I feel like I'm not that person anymore, like i'm never quite happy or relaxed anymore. I'm always wishing I had that again, that my son and my husband and I lived somewhere that was just us. That maybe then I could feel all those good things again, but I don't know if I can be as happy and hopeful as I was before.

Losing that baby, losing Todd's mom, taking on life with my family again whether they're at their best or not. I just feel so very overwhelmed! I'm drowning in all of this all of the time. I'm always afraid of dying, what it'll be like, that it means that there is nothing more of me or the things I care about when it's over. I never want to be outside the reach fo my loved ones, I never want to cease. I've had worse times. For awhile I would hyperventalate at the thought of death, panicning at the thought of my breath ceasing but I still imagine the ways it could happen. I remember the fear in my uncle gene's eyes, the duddenness of losing Lisa, the risks that were involved with my c-section and it all overwhelmes my thoguhts at the strangest times. I question how my family will deal with my bieng gone, how it might be to die, what way might be worse.

I wonder if I will ever try to have another baby, if losing my little Aurora means that I'm a terrible mother who was being punished. If I did something stupid that killed her. If it was the stress we were dealing with at the time.

My mind runs a thousand mile a minute, questioning, challenging, deriding, and disecting so many thing. Trying to understand and trying to destroy all at once. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know what I can change. If I'm a good enough mom or wife or person. I need time to breath but it doesn't come. It all just consumes me.

To the Editor:

The current debate on health care reform reminds me of Carl Rose's cartoon in the New Yorker (Dec. 8, 1928): a young mother is at dinner with her little daughter. Mother says, "It's broccoli, dear," and daughter replies, "I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it."

Today's Republican leaders -- Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin -- are the little girl yelling "Spinach!" when faced with a serving of brocolli. Rather than oppose Democratic reform proposals on their merits, they would have us believe that they include "death panels" to decide whose life is worth preserving, and that patients would be forced to review end-of-life options under supervision of such a panel.

This is a lie. No such panel is contemplated in any version of the legislation now before Congress, and only a fool would believe that it would be politically possible to create such a panel.

What is under consideration is a guarantee of payment should a patient elect to discuss end of life decisions, such as whether to take extraordinary measures to preserve life, with her doctor before she, not her doctor and not some "panel", makes them.

These Republicans (who sully the grand old name) want us to think that health care will be turned over to the government to manage, in a system comparable to (but inevitably worse than) the British National Health Service.

This is another lie. Some proposals include a "public option" -- a government-run insurance company (not a health service) which would operate like, and in competition with, current insurance companies. If enacted, its role would be to put a brake on insurance premiums by providing a low-cost alternative for those who choose it. It could not take over the field (unless you believe that the Post Office is about to drive UPS, Fed-Ex, and DHL out of business).

Republicans oppose research to discover which treatments are effective and which are not, and they oppose negotiating for volume discounts on drug prices. Apparently, government should not be allowed to be a shrewd purchaser of goods and services.

Why are we being lied to? Because monied interests -- insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, hospital conglomerates -- have their profits, and not our health, in mind. Because these interests have contributed millions to politicians of both parties with the motive of preserving their profits at the expense of our health. And, perhaps, because Republicans are afraid that Democrats may accomplish something during their time in office.

The tactics of "no!" that we are seeing now are an extension of the last eight years, an extension of the politics of fear. We must deny fear its power, and strive to see with clear eyes the options before us so that we can choose wisely.

John M. Estill

And Why Exactly Are People Buying this Death Pannel Crap? Did America Eat Paint Chips While I Wasn't Looking?

Top Five Health Care Reform Lies—and How to Fight Back

moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures

I want to feel free to be me

I want to feel free to love my husband

my fellow human beings

my family!

To start over with so many things.

I want my baby to be warm and alive

not in a box in the closet

I want to write

I want to relax!

I want to stop being told I think I'm perfect

when it's the last thing I think I am!

I want not to be a scapegoat

To not be the one that fucks it up when you know it's you!

I want to live!

I want all the death and the pain and the anger to stop!

To be able to walk and move and breath without being judged inadequate

For my weight

For the times I don't wear the make-up

For being me!

I want to be able to speak my mind and not be judged stupid for it!

I want to be me!

I want to read

I want to create

I want to know my family is safe and taken care of!

I want to stop thinking about how it's probably all pointless anyway cause I'm going to die

Whether it's today or a hundred years from now!

I want to feel like I've done something!

I want to have conversations for the sake of intelligent thought

I want people to know that i know what I'm talking about

I want people to see how intelligent i am without me having to write one sentence or open my mouth

I want people to know that being gay doesn't mean i want you to be like me

or that I'd ever want to be like you

Just because I'm talking to you

I want to to have friends that see me

I want to be treated like a human being and not a fat fuck, stupid, waste of space

or as if I don't know what you say behind my back

the minute I leave the room or there's enough feet between us

I am smart enough to know by now

I am wise beyond my years

regardless of my maturity

I am tired of being held down and told what I am, what I can be

I'm tired of people using religion, morality, attractiveness, thinness and ego

to declare their superiority over me

I see it all around me

I know it

Like I know an old song caught in my head

Enough is enough

If you can't stand the sight of me

If you can't see me through your haze

Through your Ego

Your Id

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!

Stop badgering people to quit smoking this is a lot more important! Even if you don't know anyone in this community please take a moment to watch these and wish them peace wherever they are now.
If you agree with me that this is important PLEASE REPOST WHEREVER YOU CAN!!!!!!!

Small Actions Speak Loudly on Transgender Day of Remembrance

.. --> the next composite function used instead of the_content() to avoid

at the end of the post -->

Today marks the tenth annual Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day created to remember and honor all people who have lost their lives to anti-transgender violence. The event was originally held on the first anniversary of the murder of Rita Hester, an out transgender woman who was killed on November 28, 1998, in Boston, Massachusetts. Rita's murder, like many anti-transgender murder cases, remains unsolved.

Diane Schroer is a highly-decorated veteran, transgender activist and plaintiff in our successful employment discrimination lawsuit Schroer v. Library of Congress. She spoke at a Transgender Day of Remembrance event in Chicago organized by Cyndi Richards, Illinois Gender Advocates and the Center on Halstead. The following is an excerpt from her remarks.

I would wager we have not all been personally touched by a hate crime, but we have all been touched by one of the all too frequent suicides in our community. Therefore, this list [of victims of anti-transgender violence] should be ten-fold as long when the names of all the other victims of hatred are added to its rolls. Not in any way to diminish the suffering and needless tragedy of hate crimes, but rather to paint a more accurate picture of the impact of hatred and intolerance on our community. The victims who felt no alternative but to take their own lives as the only possible solution to a world that can be terribly cold and unforgiving of violating its norms. If we succeed in nothing else, we must change this.

We must convince ourselves, along with society, that it is not a sin, against God or man to be transgender. 

While some are born to greatness, for the vast majority of us, we have within us the resources to produce greatness when confronted with mere timing, circumstance, and opportunity. We can, each and every one of us, "rise to the occasion."

What I have observed, is that we often fall prey to our own worst fears and predestine ourselves to a self-imposed brand of mediocrity and acceptance of the status quo. The bright spot is that it usually takes very little, sometimes only reminding ourselves that while taking a stand may seem like great risk, it often takes little and can have significant consequences…

Solemn events are, by their very nature, powerful and moving. When you leave here this evening, you will feel, certainly, angry and compelled. Possibly, somewhat empty and helpless. But hopefully, refreshed, resolute, and empowered. Those we are remembering tonight would demand nothing less.

Let me ask my question once again: "Who speaks for the dead?" For clearly the dead must have voice, all the more especially when the value of their life was so carelessly diminished, and society and force of circumstance move to erase their very memory.

The undeniable truth is that you must speak for the dead, and simultaneously for the living, for now is our time. We have moved from the agenda of Jerry Springer, to Larry King, Oprah, Barbara Walters and, one hopes, President-elect Obama.

If a Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense and a four-star general are willing to publicly testify for me at trial, then this is our time. In the not too distant future we will have a renewed Hate Crimes effort, and I believe a renewed ENDA.

But time and tide do not wait.

Just as surely as society wishes to forget the names and lives of the dead we remember here tonight, we must surely be their advocate. And yes, small things matter. What are the small things you can do?

Challenge those around you.

It is not necessary to leave the closet or seem outlandish to say in conversation to one's mates, "I believe that people should enjoy the basic freedom to love who they choose and express themselves as they wish, because life is just too short."

How easy is it to say, "How about a little tolerance and acceptance." Prejudice is just one of the easy solutions of a small mind. Challenge people to exercise their intellect and not their prejudice… Simply be a positive role model of acceptance in your daily lives, and take the moment to occasionally challenge others to repudiate intolerance.

Equality is not a liberal ideal. It should not be consigned to the platform of a single political party. It is a prerequisite to basic humanity.

Let us resolve a few very simple things tonight. Let us first and foremost agree that little things matter, and your own commitment to do a little thing when the opportunity arises, matters most…

Let us craft a society, a world, where people are free to express their gender orientation and gender identity as they feel from their spirit. Let us craft a society, a world, where people are free from threat and fear of hatred just because of who they are, how they look, or whom they choose to love. Let us craft a society, a world, where the measure of a person's merit is not their birth gender or sex of their partner, but their energy toward the task at hand, work ethic, intellect, and integrity.

And for the heaven's sake, and the sake of future generations, let us craft a society, a world, where a 14 year old trans-person does not feel compelled to take their own life, because they don't "fit in."

Because you and each and every little thing you do are the transgender community.

Because you and each and every little thing you do are the transgender movement.

Because you and each and every little thing you do are the future . Of our society, of our world, and of our civil rights.

Thank you.

To learn more about how you can fight discrimination toward transgender people, visit the transgender section of Get Busy, Get Equal or www.gender.org.

*sigh* I imagine if any of you have been or are fans of Anne Rice's fiction that her latest books have at least given you pause if not outright infuriated your sense of her work. Personally I at least gave the first of her books on Jesus a shot, I loved her writing so very much and even when others found her unsatisfying and frustrating I was still her reader, enjoying the stories she told.

Unfortunately I had no luck trying these new ones; religion is a dubious subject at best for me. I've seen it tear people down to slaves and be born like some talisman against bad death by others when they grow nearer to old age or lose many of their loved ones. I can't help that for all her statements on the matter this is what has happened to Anne, that the loss of her husband, her daughter and her sister grew to be too much in combination with her discovery that she had diabetes and that in fear she ran screaming to her god. I'm not going to say I am upset with her for becoming religious, religion is a personal thing, something we all decide for ourselves at various points in our lives.

No what bothers me is that if she continues to write religious fiction I might never read a new story by her! She's begun her books on Jesus with the same voice of love of history and beauty as before, but the subject matter is old news to me, more of the words that so many have used to sway people for centuries. So in a way I am in mourning, her literary voice was long a resounding one in my literary influences and my reader's heart, so what can I do now that she writes for someone else?

She has written a memoir about her decisions insofar as religion and her life, so I'm going to give that a try. I would like to see what she has to say about her life in light of her recent religious and personal shifts. Wish me luck, perhaps when she has chronicled Jesus' life she might write fiction that I can read without pause again.

If you can watch that, no matter who you are, and don't have at least have a grain of understanding about what he's saying, I don't understand you! There is no reason for these anti-marriage laws, none! I don't care what religion you're from what moral background, in America we believe in separation of church and state and the right to life, liberty AND most importantly, the pursuit of happiness! Come on people, think about others and not only yourself. When you think of the LGBT community think of their love not the sex they might be having! Or worse yet the rediculous notion that they might try to make you different like them, or pass laws to enforce it or brainwash your kids to be or to be ok with it. If you want to be bigot at least recognize the fact that in some way we are all different from each other! We all stand out in some way from the rest no matter what we do. We know how it feels to be that guy that has no place in the world in some small pocket! Think of that feeling when you consider laws that limit ANYONE"S right to live!

It's odd to be looking at another person's page, a person who has passed away and feel depressed, not because they're gone (not that that isn't a factor) but that they had a much more interesting life in many ways, that I am still just me with my bf and my son. That i have yet to really make any real impact in anyone's life, that I'm struggling to find time for my writing again. That I'm struggling to get some time in for me and Todd alone. What do I do to change any of that?

I'm going to be doing some canvasing for the Obama campaign in Millersburg this weekend (weather permitting that is) and I DO beleive in this campaign for many reasons, but I also just wish that it was just me and Todd and Nikki in a place of our own enjoying the weekend at home instead.

Is it weird to need a vacation when you're a housemom?

I'm not really doing anything new at the moment, I just started trying to do freelance writing and am trying several markets like greeting cards, article writing and bumper stickery kinda stuff. I'm also writing alot more as I frickin should be! (I'm an ass when it comes to keeping up on my writing. I need to make myself write something creative and non-freelance at least once a day or threaten to hold myself at gunpoint til I do.  I guess I could look into the mirror and give myself the look of doom but I'll bet i'm immune to my own powers.sigh)

Anywho...

Yes I'm still stressed and upset the baby is gone, especially since at the moment Aurora (the name we ended up calling it though we don't know the sex) should have been about a week or so old :(. But I'm better than I thought I would be at this point. I still cry from time to time because I miss the baby and the dreams I had for it. But I'm able to live my life and do things I couldn't at the time it first happened, like my writing and watch movies without falling apart. So so far so good.

Something good that came as a result though, is that Todd and I found a little better place to be in with each other, not that we were falling apart, but that we're touching on that neat little space you find when you first get together again. It's a nice feeling to have an already close relationship become better by understanding your lover even more than you already did. Without Todd I don't know where I would be about the baby. I was numb for the first few hours and then distraught, he was a wreck too, our empathy and our love drew us closer and helped us heal it enough to move on, step by step. I'm glad for that and I'm glad to have him.

My son has also turned 3 as of June 28th and he's stil lthe most wonderful thing to happen to me other than my relationship with Todd :). I hope he stays as happy and wonderful as he is now (ok yeah I'd like to work on the grumpiness and ocassional overly rambunctious behavior, but he is 3 after all.) I'm proud to say that most often he plays well with other kids, sharing, talking and being good. (though on occassion he gets tired of another kid being bratty and does this weird slow push thing. He hugs them and then presses his weight agianst them til they fall. Strange...). I hope to live to be about 110 and see a lot of that boy's life, i hope I'm doing everything I can for him and that I always will without overshadowing his personality.

Anyways I'm ok, you're ok and we are all doing a lot better than we could be given the food and gas prices!

Why do I crave you against a field of green?

I walk in rich black soil
thick on my bare skin
I feel the lifeforce
curving through the mud
into my core
through the soles of my feet
It tells me I am alive

I am primal
I am earth
And I burn for YOU

It’s in my blood
The brush of wind on my skin
through my hair
Is like a lovers caress
Echoing my very being in it’s nature
I feel it’s power as it moves against me
whispering in the curve of my ear
telling secrets older than time

I am primal
I am air
And I burn for YOU

I crave woodsmoke on an autumn evening
the burnt taste of dying leaves on the air
the fire creeps into my skin
warms me
the blaze smolders deep inside
until it glows in my eyes
passion and lust roaring to the surface
as if I am ablaze

I am primal
I am fire
And I burn for YOU

Cool clear water ebbs and flows
caressing everything it touches
I’m caught in it’s motion
it echoes my emotions
the clear beauty of it caught in my eyes

I am primal
I am water
And I burn for YOU

I ache
for the glimmer of light through trees
the perfume of life all around me
the suserating sound of the wind through branches
and me on my back

I am primal
I am spirit
And I burn for YOU

Why do I crave you against a feild of green?

Because I am that field
walk through me
feel my presence
cool air like a lovers caress on your body
taste me
smell me
see me with your eyes
press your body to my extended curves
I am yours and you are mine

I am primal
I am nature
And I burn for YOU

                                     Amanda M Lyons 4/5/08

I wrote this for Todd. I keep telling him I want to photograph him in the woods. He asks me why, well this is my answer.

The weather was perfect and I felt really happy. Todd nad I took Nikki on a long walk and I even went out of my way to make it a more challenging walk by adding the Millersburg Elemenery steps to it too. I'm getting sort of centralized about getting out and gettign more exercise, the sun and the air today certainly helped encourage me. We had all the wondows in the house open and I still believe the best way to read a book or enjoy some music is with the wind blowing in the windows, it's just more relaxing.

Add to this beautiful day the joy of having my son use the potty for the first time! Yeah! He got a little pee on the floor but happily lifted the bowl out of it and said byebye as he flushed it. I hope this is the beginning of him understanding the whole process, but I'm not going to push it.