Hosted By: Patrick Byrne
When: Monday Apr 14, 2008
at 10:00 PM
Where: The Great American Diner & Pub
1201 East Lincoln Highway
Langhorne, PA 19047
United States
Description:
Patrick Byrne

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Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work c*cktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***'is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter)activities.

Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

Hosted By: Patrick Byrne
When: Saturday Aug 05, 2006
at 9:00 PM
Where: Pat's New Place
430 West Browning Road, Apt Q10
Bellmawr, NJ 08031
US
Description:
Patrick Byrne

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You Know You're Addicted to CSI When...

You know the biographies of ALL the personnel from the CSI website. You never work (or go out) Thursday nites because you'll miss CSI (although you tape it anyway). You can't sleep knowing that something exciting is going to happen on the next episode Your friend asks you about the episode with "the sparkling room thingie," and you don't even have to think about it before informing them they're thinking of Scooba Doobie-Do. Your puppy is called VEGAS as a compromise, because none of your kids could stop arguing over whether it was gonna be called Grissom, Warrick, Greggo or Nicky...... You start knocking on walls in hope of finding a dead body between them You walk around with a Mag-lite You change your lighting to UV lighting, just to see those stains in your carpet You dust for prints in your knife drawer You wrap your house with yellow crime-scene tape You wear latex gloves while at home You suddenly study chemistry to understand more about those chemical reactions. You learn Photoshop you can make wallpapers out of the pics you have You've changed your quote from "Smile at the world, and the world will smile back" to "Concentrate on what cannot lie... The evidence" When you were a kid, you wanted to be an astronaut. Now you want to be a CSI When you are the leader of a group, you think, "What kind of a leader should I be? Gris Style or Horatio?" You stare at Grissom's eyeglasses and Horatio's shades, then search for the exact pair (or at least close to it!) You plan on living in Las Vegas or Miami Your choice of car? The one like Horatio has. You have a jacket, with the word "Forencics" written on the back You'd even settle for a shirt with the same word You read HAMLET, cause it was mentioned that HORATIO came from the name of Hamlet's best bud, Horatio You got arrested when found crossing the yellow tape. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to CSI.