BLANK STARE OF NOTHING DEAR..I WAIT FOR YOU..NO CONTACT. CHEWED UP AND SPIT OUT.I NEVER SAW IT COMING. NEVER HAD A CLUE. SMASHED MY MIRROR AND STARED AT MY BROKEN AND BRUISED REFLECTION IN A SHARD..AM I UGLY ON THE OUTSIDE? AM I UGLY ON THE INSIDE? I THOUGHT NOT. MAYBE ITS YOU..MAYBE ITS JUST WHAT YOU DO. PREY UPON THE SICK THE LONELY SOULS OF THIS PLANE..WHO ARE DOOMED. TO WALK IN THE SHADOWS OF PAIN. DARKNESS IS MY MISTRESS AND NOW I MUST CHERISH HER..JUST KNOW..YOU SHALL BE THE ONE FORGOTTEN SOON! YOU SHALL BE DISCARD IN MY THOUGHTS, IN MY HEART AND PUT INTO THE TOMB OF NEVER. YOUR TOUCH IS EMPTY AND YOU ARE A CHILD OF LIES. YOU SHALL NEVER FORGET ME WHEN THE LAST THING YOU EVER SEE..UPON SLEEP..IS MY FACE!
rest well lover..hater..user..liar and goodbye forever

THE ROPE WAS HANGIN'

 THE CHAIR WAS IN PLACE

 BUT I STAYED ON THE GROUND.!

I HAD MY GUN

 I HAD MY AMMO

BUT NEVER PULLED THE TRIGGER!

I HAD THE SHARPEST BLADES AT MY FINGERTIPS..

BUT NEVER PICKED THEM UP

I HAD THE PILL BOTTLE IN MY HANDS

I NEVER UNSCREWED THE TOP

HAD THE POISON AT MY LIPS...

AND I ONLY DRANK A LITTLE!!!!!

JUST TO NUMB

WHATEVER IS LEFT OF "ME"

WHAT, THAT IS LEFT IN ME...

AFTER YOUR QUICKENED DEPARTURE

AFTER YOUR EARLY DEMISE

1 YEAR TO THE DAY..(THAT)YOU STARTED SEEING WITH LIDLESS EYES!

I WOULD OF FOLLOWED YOU THROUGH HELL,

AS I CHERISHED YOU IN LIFE,

BUT YOU WERE TORE DOWN BEFORE ME

LEAVING ME WITH BROKEN HEARTED MISERY.

I KNOW THE LAST THING YOUD WANT ON THIS NIGHT

IS FOR OF ME TO HAVE TAKEN MY LIFE....

 I TRY TO PICK UP THE PIECES...

BUT THE DECONSTRUCTION OF MY SELF ABSORBTION

CREATES HAVOK WITH MY WILL FOR POSITIVE CONSTRUCTION

SO, I FEED THE MONSTER OF SELF DESTRUCTION

AND PROBABLY WILL TILLTHE END OF THIS "PRODUCTION"

OF

L-I-F-E

P-A-I-N

P-L-E-A-S-U-R-E

D-E-A-T-H........

 

 

 

(I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU.....

ALL WHO KNEW YOU...STILL KNOW YOU

AND WISH YOU WERE HERE....OUR SHERIFF STILL KISSES YOUR PIC EVERY SINGLE NIGHT(AND YOUR URN) AND TELLS YOU HE LOVES YOU DADDY, AND ITS ROTTING ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT THAT ITS NOT YOUR FACE HES KISSING...AND HIS WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE HE'S MISSING...A FATHER THAT HE BAREALLY KNEW....)

I MISS YOU MY ANGEL

YOUR SCENT IS LONG GONE..AND ID GIVE MY ETERNAL SOUL TO HAVE US 3 TOGETHER,,,EVEN FOR MINUTES.

FUCK

I WOULD GIVE MY ETERNAL SOUL

 

 

 i came

and i'm coming..

and i came

i went

to the place

that fucking place

 the cathedral..

for the show

THEIR SHOW

they put on for you...

they don't know

they will never know

the hurt, the pain

the desperation...

of you'r death

of you'r demise.

we're talking

we are talking

of the future, of our house, our son....

silence

mistaken as sleep

holding your hand

you'r beautiful hand

so warm

you are so warm..and loving

you are still warm

ALARM!!!!

DESPERATION!!!

i leap over you,

i roll over you like superman

1 move!!!!!!

 in 1 adrenal move i am over you

i am on my phone

911

911

911

HE'S NOT BREATHING!!!!

HE'S NOT BREATHING!!!

OH GOD IN HEAVEN

IN HELL

AND SHIT

AND FUCK

HE'S NOT BREATHING!!!!!

no heart beat

no life

CPR

I PERFORM CPR..TO NO AVAIL

NO BREAK, NO AVAIL

EYES OPEN

MOUTH AJAR,

EYES AJAR

MOUTH OPEN

BLUE EYES BLACK

BLUE EYES BLACK

what the fuck

what the hell

COME BACK

DON'T LEAVE!!!!

OUR SON.....

ME....

relief

they're here..

theyll bring him back

theyll shock him back

iv'e seen movies

i've seen shows

IV'E SEEN MIRACLES

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

not real,not real, not real

NOOOOOOOO

i am walking

i am fucking walking to you'r funeral

walking!!!!

wtf!

oh my beauty

my fighting beauty

MY LOVE!!!

just sit up baby

just stop pretending....

STOP PRETENDING

to be dead,

to be lifeless...

i can almost see you breathing

I WANT TO SEE YOU BREATHING..again

just sit up!!!

just sit up and smile at me..

 OH FUCK IT'S REAL

IT'S REALLY REAL

no man beside me

no father to my son...

and now( his) mother..

just a worthless shell..

OH BABY

OH HEARTBRAKE

OH FUCKING LOVE...

OH GOD

WHY?

 

 

 

WHY......???

 

 

 

 

TOO MUCH TIME IN THE DAY
NOT ENOUGH TIME ON THIS PLANET, IN THIS LIFE
SITTING HERE WASTING AWAY
WHILE IM SUPPOSED TO BE SO VERY BUSY
HATING THE THINGS I LOVE
DESTROYING THE BODY..
THAT I DON'T WANT TO BREAK
BEING STUBBORN WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO GIVE IN
ACTING TOUGH WHEN I WANT TO SUBMIT
DESTROYING WHEN I WANT TO CREATE
TALKING OUT LOUD THOUGH IM COMPLETELY ALONE
LAUGHING OUTLOUD..WHEN IM CRYING INSIDE
DYING INSIDE..
BLEEDING MY BELIEFS AND SOUL...
LOSING MY SPIRITUALITY.
INTO THE ETHER, INTO THE VOID IT GOES
WHILTST I DESPERATELY GRASP AT IDEALS AND MASKS THAT SHOULD BE....
..ME...
TRYING MY DAMNEST NOT TO LET (THIS) LIFE KILL ME
TRYING MY HARDEST NOT TO LET THEIR DEATHS DESTROY ME
TRYING MY BEST, MY WORST NOT TO LET YOU SEE ME
THE REAL ME, THE EXTREMIST
THAT IS SUPREMELY..
A WALKING "MISS DIRECTION"
A BREATHING MISCONCEPTION,
A TALKING CONTRADICTION
OF THE UGLIEST BEAUTY
AND PUTREFICATTION

can i keep you

in a box?

can i have you

whenever i want?

i will hold you up

if you hold me down

i will take you far

if you'll kiss my scars.

bury me in the ground

6 feet of pleasure

6 ft. down

6 ft of dying pleasure

i WILL go another round

with u ,maybe 3

if you so wish to have me

it gives me peace... when youre my daddy

when you rape me and hold me down.

when you tie me up and bite me

i feel my soul is found..fed and one w/the invisable world

i'm your lost baby grrrl

in this fucked up world.

can i keep you

can i share you

can i put you up?

can i hold you up?

will you hold me down?

will you kiss my scars?

or will you put me in the lost and found?

 

 

 

 

 

donnie,
i miss you more than anyone could ever know
i miss the way you touched me
i miss the way you kissed me
i miss the way you held me
i miss sleeping with you
sleeping next to you
i’m utterly lossed baby
i am not even human anymore
i am completely non-functional
i self medicate w/liquor
the docs..have me on pills
pills help some of the pts
but if i dont drink
all i see is you, in our bed
lifeless
i miss hearing you call me "babe" and chicken lil
i miss your smile
goddamn it I EVEN MISS FIGHTING WITH YA
you were way to good for me, for this world
i would sell my soul to have you for 33 minutes.
our son kisses your pic every night and says "i love you daddy"
it breaks my heart
and im such a mess
we were supposed to be married and saving for our own house---we were talking about that THE DAY YOU DIED
it makes me sick,
i mourn what should of been but will never be
whomever said love conquers all--WAS right
death does not stop it, not on the living end
whomever said it is better to have loved and lost.....
IS A FUCKING FUCKTARD that probably never truly experienced it.
though i cherish every gift you gave me in life and through death
fuck, i just want to hug you 1 more time
it’s killing me
literally, losing you is killing me
i love you
i miss you
and you better be waiting for me even just to hug me one more time...whenever i too depart

NO ONE SHOULD BE EXPECTED TO RECOVER FROM DEATH

never die with the lights on, never die at dawn

never let them see you clearly, once your soul is gone

whether you had a heart attack, whether you o.d’d

whether you hung yourself, or were killed by me

never die with the lights on, never die at dawn

never let them see you clearly,once your soul is gone

head bashed in,your blood is thin

.now you’re buried in my lawn

and while i wielded that threatening blow

i sang the most melodic song, and bathed in your blood

and stared you in the eyes until all life was gone

with only the light of the tv on...

never die with the lights on, never die at dawn

never fucking cross me, or you’ll be buried in my lawn!!!

 

(ok people i know what your thinkin...well fuck you. this is a song i wrote so deal or die)                                                                                                      

bloody kisses

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

 

I WILL CHEW YOU UP AND SPIT YOU OUT!

THAT’S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO.

EVEN WHEN I TRY TO BE GOOD,

YOU’LL FALL VICTIM TOO

NO INTERNAL FILTER

I DON’T SEE WHAT I DO

I DON’T SEE, HOW I ACT

UNTIL ITS TOO LATE FOR ME AND YOU!!!

SO TELL ME TELL ME

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

CHANGE?

THAT IS SO HARD,

AND TO MYSELF I MUST BE TRUE!

I WILL CHEW YOU UP AND SPIT YOU OUT!!

THAT IS ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO

EVEN WHEN I TRY TO BE NICE...

YOU WILL FALL VICTIM TOO

I LIVE IN HATE

I LIVE IN LOVE

I WANT IT ALL

I WANT NONE

BALANCE ELUDES ME  AT ALL TIMES

ID HATE TO BE THE SOUL TO SUCK YOU DRY

I WILL BE IN YOUR MIND

JUST LIKE A PSYCHIC VAMPIRE

1, I MISS YOU

2 WISH YOU WERE HERE

3 HAPPY 36TH

now you see with lidless eyes, right now i know you'r spirit flies. even though your body died...with mouth ajar and open eyes. 3 days later you came at nightheld my rihjt hand and kissed me blind. though i did not see you THAT night was bright! for i felt you'r fingers,kissed your lips and prayed for second sight. just to see you one more time... But alsa here i lay..alone night after night. grasping you'r pillows that hold your scent, and into them i cry. i know that you and i were meant. but ,alas here,alone i lie, and missing you i cry. WHY'D YOU HAVE TO DIE? so early in our lives? i WILL love you always and always my dear, my love.(until i toodie)

then we shall meet, in the afterlife, and hold eachother...EVEN JUST ONE MORE TIME!!!

until then.....i say burn bright MY LUV MY MAN MY DONALD STEVEN JARINA

(feb.28th1972-aug.4th 2007)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

the sweet smell of dying,rotting leaves, the irredecent sky. pumpkins, circles,spells, and teary "seeing" eyes. Blazing fires, Howling winds, Being connected with my spiritual kin. foggy, misty mornings dark days and thunderstorms.  the perfect weather to comfortably mourn.

THERE ARE GODS, THERE ARE DEMONS, THERE ARE ANGEL, THEN I...

the magickal seeker, the widowed bride.the sad girl that searches for light in the fall...

one thing i know for sure....WHEN I AM DEAD I WILL MISS OCTOBER MOST OF ALL