There was a beginning to this end... Quitting the job that was killing me, finishing school, and finally accepting a seperateness from the things and people who didn't give back my faith and hope. Now, after taking a month long journey through Montana, Nevada and finally settling in SF I can breathe deeper... Perhaps the life is new again. I used my birthday as an example of this new outlook, taking charge and for once putting my own happiness first... Not selfishly ( I invited all to share and put input) but absolutely. I'm finding this new responsibility in myself inspiring. I'm making less excuses and less compromises. Hopefully the friends that I know in the future will renew their interest in me as I have before in them. But if they don't... Fuck 'em.

Personally, I am fearful of low gas prices (even more than high ones) because usually that means that something else is in the works. I don't buy that consumption can be that much lower in the Winter (not to be more than half the price, indeed less than its been in years).

I have a theory and it fits in with another thought I'd been playing around with for a while now: Perceived Value VS. Actual Value.

"Perceived" is the value that gets put on something based on a number of factors including VOGUE (whether its popular to be seen with whatever the thing is), NEED (but most things you don't actually need as much as the companies would like to make you believe you do), AGE (unless its "vintage" generally things that are very old are less efficient and harder to use... think about computers), UNIQUENESS (limited time only, rare, sentimental, special in some way).

"Actual" value is based upon what people are actually WILLING and ABLE to pay for it. For example, who thinks its a coincidence that GAS prices dropped during the worst financial time for our country since the depression? Those prices that we were paying in Summer, the ones that just couldn't be lowered anymore, dropped quickly when people said "no more".

We are brought up to believe that most things are sold at fair prices. We think we're getting the companies bottom line, the minimum they can sell it for to make a profit, when what were really getting is the maximum they think we are WILLING to pay. Some companies know how much their customers will put out. Some companies spend billions of dollars to change the customers decisions to better favor their products. To say it plainly, we have all been paying whatever the companies wanted to charge... and the high prices were set by ourselves.

This has been happening so long and they've been able to do it so well and discreetly that we forget that we're supposed to be able to keep some of the money we make. And on the other end of spectrum companies like WalMart and K-Mart thrive on this over spending because after your near broke they're the only choices that are left. They make their money in the small markets, by controlling all of the small generic markets. When we go to these stores we are fooling ourselves into thinking that were saving money... we are doing nothing by creating monopolies that eventually (if trends continue) will be able to set whatever prices they want from anything from BLU-RAY players to TOOTHPASTE.

Perhaps, people could stop buying the way they do now. Perhaps we could start seeing the bottom line everywhere and not just at Wal-Mart. Is a T-Shirt worth $22.00... even if it is from American Apparel or Abercrombie and Fitch? No. Is Gas worth more at Chevron then at AM/PM? No. We as customers should use this Economic Depression as a way to rapidly change the way things are and start investing our money into things that are at FAIR PRICES (and though its tempting... not just at Wal-mart and not just at top chain stores). Spread the wealth, buy used, fix things up, sell used, support local businesses, buy from the internet (smaller businesses if possible). Let's put a stop to inflation... and let's tell everybody that we know what things are worth because we're the ones who are paying.

Successful companies lately have been the ones who have dropped their prices to ACTUAL VALUES... like Subway ($5 for a foot long is fair)... like the buffets who offer take-out for cheaper (because we don't really need buffets if we can just eat enough to satisfy our needs), like the stores who lowered their prices to what their customers have to spend. *Walmarts success with this has made them 1, unfortunately they sometimes lower their price below actual value and cut back on benefits for their workers... this is too far.*

Industry can't keep supporting us all... we need to be self sufficient more of the time... this recession is a blessing to us as buyers... as long as we can keep our heads and start to look for alternate means of making money.

Anyway... let me know your thoughts via a COMMENT ON THIS BLOG.

Thanks and I hope that wealth lives in your heart before your wallet this Christmas,

Curtis

We're all of us driven by a need to do something, though most of our lives even the best of us can only manage to stand still and watch the world go round. It's a skill to be able to live each day to its fullest (and no not in the cliche way that every fortune cookie would tell you, but in the real honest to god way... the never lying to yourself way). Standing still can be productive, if one can manage to stand perfectly still, enough to stop consuming it all and acknowledge instead the chosen items that the particular person benefits from observing. I believe more and more that television is ultimately responsible for the deterioration of the former ruling generation. However, now with the on-demand content a person can instead pick from the vast and take what he wants, instead of what he is given. Now, from the buffet of information and images swirling around our heads we must remember to not be gluttonous... and instead take what we need. Something that we need is not always the same as what we think we deserve.

I hear an awful lot from people and from the advertising campaigns that aim to separate you from you money and by extension deplete your working hours of your life about what we deserve. Buy this ice cream, because after a long day of earning money you deserve to spend it all on what will get you to the next day. This is no longer sustainable living... its surviving... like back when we were cavemen. To survive a hard world you must spend money... to spend money you must earn money... to earn money you must brave the hard world... its a awful cycle that I want no part in any longer.
Sustainability... its the word that means independence. We're not all going to do it together, were not all going to do it in the same way... but when we reach the end we will be able to spend some time to talk about the road.



This year is about exiting from this freeway to nowhere for a road where one can drive their own path, and breathe a little. It's been an eye opening year. I've woken up from a haze that has been over my head my whole life. There is no reason that we don't do things that we need to do... any reason you can think of is not enough... No more surviving... instead lets sustain ourselves... in every way possible.... permanently... from renewable sources... not just green energy... our own energy. What we love will fuel us onward. I don't think I'm alone.

If you don't like your life... if you are caught up in this cycle... exit and start the process (whatever financial, educational or uncomfortable way it is for you).

Perhaps we should stop worrying about what we deserve and start thinking about what we need and what we want instead. If it isn't part of that then it shouldn't be in your schedule. There's simply no time not to live your life how you like it.

I work hard... very very hard... every day of my life... and I "deserve" to stand still whenever the fuck I want.

For some odd reason this world we've created keeps us moving and never questioning why we are moving... stopping is damn near impossible it seems... try it... its difficult. But we must be able to stop... and change course... and ultimately be happy. Happiness is the most important thing in the world. Fight for it.

What do I want/need... here's a list:

*To feel confident in my writing (on a national stage, for reals...).
*To keep learning FILM in books and keep working on sets for pay.
*To start productions on my film career/ body of work.
*To continue finding friends that are there when I need them, I care about and are interesting to do things with or do nothing at all with.
*To continue taking photography and bettering my imaging.


*To have a successful workflow in my Video Business, as well as continue to work with other video companies for pay.
*To travel and be able to travel.
*To meet and hang out with people of all sorts in Modesto, San Francisco and elsewhere.

*To continue to refine my video skills for gaining future work and confidence in my work.
*To know what love feels like... unfortunately I've never been in love... not sure why... to focused on other things I guess.
*Sustainability and to feel good about the things I do and the things I support (ie... no more wasting oil, resources, killing animals for food when its not necessary, eating buffets when so many go hungry.)
*Stay fit (eating better, doing more, activity, fun, healthy)... Do every activity I can...

There's an update. Just trying to do that. If I could only do that then, well like Tiny Tim sings... "I'd be Satisfied with Life"

I turned twenty two earlier this month. I feel exactly the way I expected to... no different. It wasn't to be a year of definite moments where things became clear. No, it seems that this year the understanding would almost entirely be made through osmosis. So far on the calendar year everything that happened were things I've known about for some time but had somehow chosen not to acknowledge. It was a testament to the trial and error approach to my previous philosophy... in that one should test their brakes to make sure they are there. Put in another way... if you've ever wondered how worth while your efforts are put them to the test... just be ready for failure most of the time. Failure hasn't killed my spirits, though it hasn't renewed me in such a way as only a lie can. I know now what I was being childish about in my expectations and the child inside of me had to duck for cover in the face of total annihilation. Still, I speak. I work. I play. I dream. That's a victory for twenty two years. So many of the people I know don't dream anymore or somehow think that their happiness is something they'll have to beg for or steal away. Maybe they're right. But the only thing I don't want to start doing... that I see in the lives of those I know closely... is a tendency toward the mundane, the comfortable, the accepting, and the known. They think that their meaning lies in the things they know... whereas I know that my meaning lies in the things I have yet to know. Here I am at twenty two, as hopeful as a child; scarred by even my friends unintentional weapons, with the newly acquired hard shell of a grown man. Time to figure me out. Time to take time while I'm on the payroll. I won't wait for retirement for my promise. I can hardly wait any time. I'm refining myself this year, training, living better and stronger... getting ready for when I am alone again. So much of my life I'd had to enjoy alone, often because other people I know don't have the same goal or idea of beauty as I do or the money or the time or the guts... priority one is to find my social side this year, find those people again that inspire me and create a meaningful, deep, long lasting relationship. I've found it here and there in this life... from family to best friends current and long gone... but always as part of a world where they ruled and they controlled. I'm seeking out my own world to share and I must find it or otherwise risk losing the faith in the humanity I so often defend.

So what of my work life? It's good. I've got an easy job that lets me do whatever I want and get paid for it. I will never find a better job in my life in terms of freedom. In addition I think I will pursue more endeavors in the video world... since it seems this move would be the one of least resistance and maximum effect. Friendships? Some are good... I care deeply for a few and I think I am cared for deeply by a few. However I feel bored with my life and feel that those same people are also bored when they hang out with me. I don't currently offer them anything besides a twilight zone or movie viewing or lunch. These things are cool, but they're not the definition of a person. I must continue to find other things to do and reinvent these relationships that mean something to me. Same is true with my friends/family in Montana. Love is great... but its possible to love somebody and also be completely bored to tears by them if they aren't busy leading interesting lives. I fear this is true of me because I have thus far not made any real commitments of connection to those people I love but do not see often. The excuse is that I'll become something first and then I'll show 'em... but that day never comes and that never works. It is important not to forget to live, while your living.

One thing that has been persistent this year is this theme of juggling multiple schedules simultaneously. Often I will spend one day hopping around from my job at Telemundo, my video business and shooting work in the downtown area, then a quick movie or a lunch with a friend or alone, then back home where I watch tv and sleep. At work I will often read and juggle five different books at once, online I will have ten different tabs open with ten separate websites I'm looking through or researching... I've discovered the true ability to multitask this year and I'm not sure if its a power best left undiscovered. It feels like I'm covering a lot of ground, but I wonder if I'm stretching myself too thin. However, it seems if I'm ever going to cover the ground that I need to cover I need to be doing all these things at once.

Twenty one is over, the last year of supposed innocence... I have so much more to do.



Goals for this year:
*Stay fit (eating better, doing more, activity, fun, healthy)
*Learn things outside my comfort zone, beyond my world that has been made for me.
*Go back and learn everything I don't know/forgot about filmmaking and being a videographer.
*Write. And use writing to express my world to others. Write to learn.
*Pay off my small debts. Invest my money into promising futures and comfortable present times.
*Have relationships, both sexual and friend like, and learn what it means to be a part of the real world outside my head.

Take a look at my short story Murder Playhouse and leave some feedback/suggestions either on BLOGGER or here on myspace. Thanks!

MURDER PLAYHOUSE ONLINE on BLOGGER

My new short story is now online for all to view! Check it out on MY BLOGGER.



Title: THE BELLS OF ST. CLEMENS

Synopsis: A village revolting against unfair practices in their church need the help of an orphan boy trying to find his way in a cruel world.



Genre: Storytelling, Drama, Dickens-Like

Review it on Blogger if you have one or as a comment on my new myspace account.

A New Profile - The Explanation
In the desire to better represent myself personally, as well as professionally (and perhaps even artistically) I have claimed the myspace URL of my name (myspace.com/CurtisMedina). I have read a theory I agree with from Arin Crumley, Susan Buice and Lance Weller in which filmmakers build up their name along with their work so that these opporunties in inde-film doesn’t just use our content and leave the filmmaker behind penniless.

I also wish to begin living more freely and laid back. I want more people to be aware of me and my personality. I want to stop using myspace as a way to vent all of the things I’m afraid to say outloud. This should represent a better me, not hiding a dark side, but filling it in with some light for full contrast and dimension. (This is gaffer metaphors.)

I’ve often tried to push the name CJ Lawrence on people; and although it does sound more like a director... the work should be what furthers the person, not the name. Scorsese didn’t always represent a filmmaker, he made it so. I want to do the same with my own name and in my own way. So CJ Lawrence is unnecessary and will be dropped, the name, the account, the entire fake persona.

If you are a friend of mine please make every effort possible to know me. Call me. Hang out with me. Talk to me. Tell me about your life. Tell me what you think I should improve. Tell me what you like. Subscribe to my blog. Comment often. No more shallow friendships. No more silent friends. Let’s create stuff. Let’s have fun.

To Subscribe to my blog please click MY BLOG HERE




Thanks,

Curtis Medina