Bun E Bombshell is available for booking!!!!

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Dear God,
               What's good? I know we haven't talked in a while and I'm just writing to let you know that I still believe and now I need you more than ever. I'm writing to let you know that even though these past six months have been very hard and life changing, I am very thankful for everything that you have opened my eyes to. I said over and over and over and over and prayed and prayed and prayed for another job or a way out of that situation and right on time, right before I knocked somebody upside the head V8 style you changed it up on me. Every time I felt like I couldn't or wouldn't make it you sent me a sign, person or conversation to let me know that everything was gonna be ok. Everytime I felt like giving up, throwing in the towel or just running away, you gave me a reason to stay and fight and believe that things would get better.
               I can't say that I'm just now discovering your greatness in the past six months because situation after situation you've saved me. From the things in my childhood, not fitting in the places I yearned to, different men and people who were bad for me but I just couldn't break away from, the mistakes made during my younger days all the way up to 30 minutes ago you've always been here. As horrible and hurtful these experiences have been, I am truly thankful for each and every one of them. Each and every situation has taught me a lesson or showed me something and molded me into the person I am and is preparing me for the person I'm meant to be. I'm thankful for the backstabbing, lying, plotting, planning, up to no good people that were placed in my life because they made me more receptive to the loving, kind, caring, helpful and great people who are here now.
               I'm thankful for the gifts that were given to me and the people placed near my heart who can help me cultivate, nurture and mature these gifts. I'm thankful for the fight you put into my heart and the presence you have in my life. As far as I've come, I know that this right here, this place that I'm in is nowhere near the places I want to go and the places you have planned for me. I'm ready. Like I say all the time Go hard or go home and right now I don't have a home. Yea I know you always have a place for me but right now, I have to do what you put me here to do first and I'm ready to do that. 
               You gave me a gift which also happens to be my passion. I mean, so many other people have gotten gifts from you and either can't recognize what it is or don't feel passionately about it. Here I am with a passion and gift for writing and helping people yet I'm not using them. I have plans to and I want to but the pessimist in me always finds excuses not to use them. From here on out, I'm here to be used. I can't continue to think about my situation and how to get out of it. I can't continue to know what I want to do and not do it. I can't continue to brag on my abilities without something sound to back them up. So regardless the forum, method or tactic I'm focused.

           So here I stand or sit rather being what some call "a fat struggling baby mama trying to get some respect" and it's hard. Very hard. There are huge obstacles, detours, road blocks and haters on the road ahead of me but it's ok. As huge as these obstacles may prove to be, I have something so small that they really don't matter. I have the faith of a mustard seed and my mountains too shall be moved. It's really hard for me to believe right now. All I can see ahead of me is problem after problem. The things and people around me have made me very doubtful of everything and the possibility of success.
           I would be lying if I didn't let these people and situations haven't made me doubt you in the darkest of moments, but right now today I have faith. It might be small in size but it's enough to stop me from going completely crazy. It's enough to let me know that you are who I should be turning to right now. It's enough to let me know that you would never give me more than I can bear.
          I guess the whole point of this thing is to let you know that I do still believe and I'm done being sad. I'm done being down and I'm done being tired. I'm ready now and well equipped for the nay-sayers, negativity, haters and road blocks. I know that you are by my side even when I don't know it.

I'm sitting here as a new woman on new path. He has been here with me my whole adult life. Literally, like he helped me move into my first, second, and third apartment, and back home with my mom. He was the only person there when I delivered my son, he gave me my son. He was the first person I called whenever I needed to get myself in check. He was the first guy to tell me I was beautiful. He's the only guy to get connected with the real me. He was the guy who liked me, who I am and not my ass. He was the first person I said good morning to and the last person I talked to before I went to bed at night for the last five years. And now he's gone. Not dead, not missing, just not here with me. That's not a bad thing because among all the good he was also the first guy to have me up waiting all night wondering where he was and if was coming home. He was the first guy to make me feel low. He was the first to break my heart and patch it back up with band-aids and promises only to break it again. He was the first to take advantage of my kindness again and again and knew exactly what to say so that I would let him back in to do it again. But then one day, my brain said to my little heart "Look bitch, I don't care how much potential you see in this nigga. I don't care what you think will happen if this, this, and this changes. It's not gonna happen. He is a good guy, a really good dad and friend but he is not the husband you have been dreaming about. He is not going to ever be what y'all would sit up late talking about. Face it now or face it in six MORE years and two more kids. But by then you'll be outta your fucking mind because I'm leaving and I can't take this shit no more." So, instead of going out of my mind and losing my sanity which is really all I have left, I told him. Flat out. No beating around the bush, no sugar coating. I told him. It's over, finito, done, stick a fork in it. And it felt really, really good. There wasn't a big fight or argument. It was really civil and he said he understood exactly where I was coming from. He said he was sorry and he wants it to work out and blah blah blah but I was adamant to make a change. I was adamant about moving on and focusing on me. I was adamant about living my life for me and my son and not having to worry about another person and make his decisions as well. I felt good thinking "Today, I am a new woman and I am ready to change my life". So why is it, today, four days later, I can't get it off my mind??? I'm not having regrets, I know this was the right thing to do. I just feel a little weird about it and I don't understand what it is or why. I do know that I don't want to go back, I don't want to stay where I am, it's just a little weird not having him next to me. This is gonna be new and different and I'm ready for it. I think...

So today I have been thinking about friendships. Everybody has at least one person that they are friends or associates with who does them more harm than good. Sometimes you dont even know this person is bad for you and it may take someone who is truly there for you to point that out. You and this person or people have fun together and sometimes it seems as though you guys are both thinking with the same brain but then at other times you’re wondering what the hell they are thinking! Is it possible that you can outgrow people??? Is it possible that you and your friends who you thought would be around from fingerpaints to wedding gowns are not really destined to make it that far?? Being that friendships end everyday how does one know when a friendship is really over?? Is it when they leave you when you need them most or when you figure out that they are the reason your name is heavy in the streets or is it when you realize that you worry about them and their problems more than you worry about your own??? How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye??

So you know how it is when a relationship is new, and you cant get enough of this one person??? Yall talk all day and all night and no matter the topic of the conversation it last until one of yall fall asleep??? You know how your heart skips a beat when your phone rings because you are hoping that it’s them and then you feel a lil bit disappointed when it’s just your mom?? You know how all your friends are asking you who you are talking to and where you have been the past three weeks and you dont wanna sound silly saying you’ve been couped up in the house on the phone instead of interacting with society??? What do you do when those moments are few and far between?? What do you do when you feel like the "spark" is leaving but you arent ready for that?? Does it mean that something is wrong or does it mean that you guys are just getting used to each other?? Are you supposed to ask the other person what the deal is or would that potentially start an uncalled for argument?? How do you check yourself first to make sure that your aren’t tripping for not gotdamn reason??