"milli" Milligan has a vinyl review blog, and it's great - he's actually knowledgable when it comes to technology, so he can comment on the sound quality of each individual record. Plus he's a musician, which allows him to voice educated opinions on the quality of the songwriting. But he hasn't updated it in what seems like forever, ever since he sold out and turned to jazz for the money (heh). I can't really be mad, though, because not writing means he could very well be working on the soundtrack for 4our 5ided Trian6le.'s (eventual) debut short film, Fuckin' ZOMBIES!

I have a MySpace blog that gets updated even less frequently. I'm also stupid about recording technology & I'm not a musician - but I like music, and I like vinyl.

SO... here's a bunch of uneducated opinions on what I consider the awesomest records in my (slowly becoming somewhat respectable) collection - 'cause if there's one thing I feel educated enough to comment on, it's awesomeness.

 - AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Back in Black
One found at a horror convention, the other at a random flea market in Manhattan, these are my favorite AC/DC albums. I've only met one person who ever tried to argue that AC/DC wasn't awesome, and they were wrong. There's just no discussing it.
 - Against Me! - Sink, Florida, Sink (single)
One of my favorite bands (or at least one of my favorite back catalogues), this was not only AM!'s first single - oh, no. It's also the winner of the highly coveted "Coolest Packaging in the History of 45s Award." There's a flap in the front that holds the package shut, and when you open it the flap reveals a gingerbread man punching a hole through another's chest, the dying gingerbread man spewing rainbow sprinkles from his open wound. Good lord.
 - the Arrogant Sons of Bitches - 3 Cheers for Disappointment
The last album ever recorded by one of my hometown hero bands, before they broke up and became the (hard to admit) much better Bomb the Music Industry!, it's also their only album released on vinyl. Just an amazing thing to have. I've also got some BtMI! records, but they're not as sweet as this. Plus, there exists so relatively little ska on vinyl... you've got to snatch up as much as you can.
 - the Beatles - Introducing, Second Album, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Abbey Road
Even though I personally think the Beatles are overrated, I love 'em. They're another band nobody can say aren't at least "great," no matter how you like them overall. The earliest two albums are some of the ones I salvaged from my parents' unused old collection before we lost our house, and they're in remarkably good shape. The last two were bought for a dollar each in Rhode Island, which is probably the greatest deal ever found in all of mankind... especially since my Sgt. Pepper's came with the original cardboard insert with the cutout badges & moustache.
 - the Blues Brothers - Briefcase Full of Blues
The other record purchased at the horror convention, I love this movie. I love this album. Damn you, Dan Akroyd, for tarnishing this amazing "band's" reputation with Blues Brothers 2000. And shame on you, too John Goodman! You should know better.
 - George Carlin - FM & AM, Class Clown, Playin' With Your Head
Playin' With Your Head I got shortly before Carlin died, and I think it's one of his funniest albums from right before he started getting inconsistent and/or too angry. The first two, though, make up two-thirds of the CD comp Classic Gold, which is one of the first CDs I ever owned. Shockingly, I bought one of 'em a day or two before he died for $2 - the very day he passed, I was at that same record store & I found the other album that hadn't been there before. Still $2. I guessed it must've been returned by someone who only listened to albums from living artists.
 - Johnny Cash - I Walk the Line, at San Quentin, American IV
The two old ones are more from my parents' collection. American IV: the Man Comes Around I picked up from a store in my favorite place in the world, Brooklyn NY. Specifically Park Slope, but all of BK is great. Last album of original stuff released before Cash kicked it, and it includes his awesome covers of "Personal Jesus" and "Desperado." "PERSONAL JESUS," man!
 - M.O.P. - Ante Up (single, remix)
This is the most gangsta-ass song ever recorded, in any version - you could record an acapella swing choir version of it, and it would still rule. Having Busta Rhymes on the remix only adds to the awesome.
 - Harry Nilsson - Harry, Nilsson Schmilsson, Son of Schmilsson
An amazing trio of increasingly strange-named albums from the guy so good that he was the Beatles' favorite artist. Nilsson never played live, and the only reason you probably know him is the song "Coconut" from Reservoir Dogs. You'd be shocked how hard he rocks.
 - Ray Parker Jr. - Ghostbusters (single)
One of my favorite movies in its' genre, but that's not the point - when my parents actually listened to their records, I made sure to always make them put on the Ghostbusters soundtrack so Lil' Chookus could dance around to the theme song. When I went in to save some records before leaving, I made sure to grab that one. It all plays fine - except for the theme song, where there's a big scratch I can't do anything about. While living with my little sister in Pennsylvania, the guy who ran the only thrift store in the backward-ass hick town of Brookville that had pro-Obama signs in the windows gave me the single for free. He wins at everything forever.
 - Pink Floyd - Animals
I don't know if it's an incredibly rare find or anything, but it's my favorite Pink Floyd album and I think it's one of the lesser known ones. Les Claypool did an excellent live cover CD of the whole album with one of his many side projects, and that was actually the first time I'd ever heard these songs.
 - Tone-Loc - Funky Cold Medina (single)
It's a horrible song, but for some reason I actually went to my local record store and specifically asked where it had moved to, as the disc wasn't in the spot it was the day before. Later, I played Morgan the instrumental and, in hysterical laughter, we wondered when the most repetitive beat we'd ever heard was ever going to end. Tone-Loc is a comedic genius, and he probably doesn't even know it. Plus, I paid twice as much for this as I did for a Beatles album, which is kind of remarkable.
 - Andrew W.K. - Close Calls With Brick Walls
I once held two copies of I Get Wet on vinyl, and I didn't buy either of them. That has pissed me off for years. What almost makes up for it is this, W.K.'s experimental third album on double orange-and-blue vinyl that Andrew got me for X-Mas. Includes the feel good hit of the summer "Slam John Against a Brick Wall." Those are the only lyrics.
 - Wheatus - BMX Bandits (single)
The first record I ever bought myself. The band's merch guy convinced me to buy it because 1) it was only five bucks, and B) even though I didn't have a record player yet, it was important to stock up on music before you actually got one so you'd have a decent collection to listen to once you finally did. Best advice ever given to me.
 - Wilson Phillips - Hold On (single)
My guiltiest pleasure. Back when I was roleplaying, a running gag amongst my stable of running buddy "wrestlers" was that everyone would make fun of me for this being Elmo Machete's favorite song. I think I introduced the joke, and I hadn't even heard the song yet. I eventually did... and fuck y'all, this song is awesome. This running gag predates Harold & Kumar by several years, too - I'm an O.G. Phillipshead.
 - "Weird" Al Yankovic - In 3D
Two dollars - TWO MEASLY BUCKS is all I paid for Weird Al's second full album. It has "Eat It," for fuck's sake! These things should be cherished!

Without any records in the Z's (and being unable to top the phrase "O.G. Phillipshead"), that'll be all she wrote for this one. Come by next whenever for whatever comes next.

Wow... haven't posted a movie review in forever and a half. To make up for that, here's three!

---

Drag Me to Hell - 8.75/10.0. Awesome, awesome, AWESOME. Being a big Sam Raimi fan, I was psyched to see him go back to his horror roots after the cinematic abortion that was Spider-Man 3. The movie critic blurbs in the TV spots filled me with alot of hope, but before I get into the film itself I have to say my piece about this particular filmgoing experience.

Me, Andrew, Kelli & milli (who'd already seen the movie with his brothers) went to the South Bay Cinemas in Babylon, which is probably the only place left in the state where you can see a full price flick for under ten dollars. Unfortunately, this little sliver of awesome was undone by the fact that, on a Friday at 8:00 PM, the PG-13 Drag Me to Hell was chock full of what looked to be 13 year olds. Not since I saw the first Pokemon movie have I felt so much older than the rest of my fellow patrons (I towered over everyone else on the snack line by at least 3/4 of a foot), and only once before have I come closer than this night to striking a child. Fuck, the kids at the Pokemon movie so many years ago were better behaved than these juvenile delinquents.

I strolled into the theater and sat down with my giant bag of Skittles, and it was like the movie never even started. Ninety percent of the crowd was talking at full conversational volume, actually managing to drown out the sound of the film... which must've been tough, as this is one loud effing horror movie. No matter how many times someone screamed for these dumb little kids to shut their traps, no matter how many times theater employees walked in and gave the crowd a stink-eye from the front of the theater, nobody would SHUT THE FUCK UP. They weren't even talking about the movie, it seemed. milli got up to complain twice or thrice before we all resolved to finally leave, but what were the employees to do? They couldn't kick out a theater full of people. The final straw was some Ryan Sheckler lookin' prick in the row directly ahead of us dropping what sounded like five dollars in change on the floor, which caused us all to laugh and just give up. This was about thirty, forty minutes into the picture.

We all left, talked to the manager and he let us come back with our 8:00 stubs for the 10:15 showing... which was signifigantly less crowded. By about a million percent. The first try was almost a fully packed house. We walked out, griped outside while making some plans to kill time, went to Looney Tunes and Taco Bell, met up with John "Joggernaut" Ryan, and came back to enjoy the movie for the first-and-a-halfth time (2 1/2 for milli). So, kids? In case you're reading this? I had sex with all your mothers. And I know you're not my kids, 'cause I punched all your moms in the gut afterwards. Run backwards through a field of dicks, you fucking social retards.

SO, THE MOVIE! For those that don't know - this girl pisses off an elderly gypsy woman when she refuses her a bank loan to save her house, & the gypsy puts a curse on her that consists of three days mindfucking until she is, as the title would suggest, dragged to Hell. We see the same happen to a little Spanish boy in the 60s at the very beginning of the film, although it's the final stages we walk in on. With the three day time frame known, the rest of the film is spent trying to get you to care about the girl and her boyfriend (Alison Lohman & Justin Long) without beating plot points into your head (such as the fact that the girl is from some farm in the South, used to be fat and hates herself).

Imagine if Evil Dead was made for alot more money, or if Evil Dead 2 was made for more money and was slightly less comedic. That's the tone of this film... which is a-okay by me. Legitimately scary and disgusting at times (one girl in the theater shrieked at the top of her lungs after one big startle), Drag Me to Hell gets away with alot for being PG-13. While it can be a little schlocky and predictable at other times, it's never so predictable that it still can't throw a mini-twist your way every now and again. High reccomendation.

----------

Special - 9.0/10.0. A completely random movie seen on Netflix reccomended by one of Hash Brown Monsen's college friends, this is a somewhat recent film (2006, I believe) that is undeservedly under everyone's radar it would seem. Starring Michael Rappaport (known for some terrible sitcom, I've heard... I know him mainly from the sweet-ass movie Comic Book Villains) as a downtrodden parking enforcement officer, the next biggest star is Josh Peck (of Nickelodeon's Drake & Josh) in a minor role as one of his comic store buddies. There are a couple "Hey, it's That Guy!" actors, but that's about it.

Anyhow, Rappaport signs up for this experimental new drug meant to relieve depression, with the unexpected side effect being that he begins to exhibit signs of superpowers. Flight, telepathy, teleportation, the works. He stops a robbery at his local convenience store, feels like he's on top of the world... then we learn that his "powers" are all in his head and he's actually just ratshit-batshit-apeshit-crazy-go-nuts. The first work from a pair of complete unknown filmmakers, this one jumps along at breakneck speed and it engaging as all hell throughout. A realistic take on the superhero genre (I guess?), this is one of those movies that I'm pissed I didn't think of myself... especially because it seems to have been shot for very little money. Still, it accomplishes a hell of a lot with so little - VERY high reccomendation.

----------

Fanboys - 5.75/10.0. I'd been aware of this film for a while, and being a huge Star Wars nerd myself I knew I had to see it eventually. Again, gosh bless Netflix. It's got a fairly simple, straightforward premise - it's 1998, & one friend from a group of four that's drifted apart since high school learns he's dying of cancer. They're all big Star Wars geeks, so they decide to drive from Ohio to California to break into George Lucas' ranch & steal an early cut of Episode I (a.k.a. "the Phantom Menace" ...we should've known Lucas stopped trying right then and there). Eventually joined by Kristen "Sarah Marshall" Bell (who inexplicably works at a comic store with two of the friends - NO girl that hot would even know where to find a comic shop in my experience, much less work there), it's your standard juvenile dick & fart joke comedy for the most part, and chock full of nerdy references to the Star Wars movies. They even have a running gag of the rivalry between the Wars & Trek.

Where the movie fails every now and again due to its' paint-by-numbers approach to jokes, the real winning aspect is the billions of cameos - SW alums Carrie "Leia" Fischer, Billy Dee "Lando" Williams, Ray "Darth Maul" Park as well as folks like Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson... hell, Seth Rogen plays three roles and even gets into a fist fight with himself at one point. The whole affair progresses as you probably think it would, although I do have to give it props for the final line of dialogue... I don't feel I'm spoiling too much by saying that, while sitting in the theater on opening day, the kid who played the drummer in Detroit Rock City looks at his friends and asks "What if this movie sucks?"

Being a fanboy myself, I really enjoyed it. Can't promise you will, though. There's alot for you there if you're a nerd of similar tastes, though... or, if you'd like to see Kristen Bell pressing ham and dressed in a Princess Leia golden slave bikini. Mild reccomendation.

---

Alrighty then, that does it for this batch of movie reviews. See you next time I feel like writing about a bunch of films at once, which will likely be another six months to a year from now.

Peace n' carrots.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

---

Oh my GODs, before ECW is actually Leprechaun 3, and with 3 minutes left to the show it all comes down to a pot of gold? Is this the one where they go to Space, or the Hood?

---

Finlay and his Stupid Midget are walking, they pass by Teddy Long in a Stupid Irish Hat, and the midget disappears. Before we can be offended by the overpowering stupidity of the leprechaun, we get the opening song which HASN'T CHANGED since I had to review this show, and OMFG'SZS IT STIL SUX'ZORSZS!!1!!ONE!!

TV-PG-V, ECWWE-HD, LIVE-ish from San Antonio, hosted by Grish and Stryke.

CHRISTIAN (Cage?) & MVP (w/o inflatable entrance prop) vs. (WWE U.S. Champion) "the Gold Standard" SHELTON BENJAMIN & MARK HENRY (w/un-announced Tony Atlas). Benji and MVP start, & get the necessary wrasslin' out of the way. Montel proves himself to be better than I thought with a swank-ass hiptoss (it doesn't take much to impress me, especially when I haven't watched this show in almost a year). MVP gets sent to the heel corner, Henry steals a headbutt while Mr. VP is tied up, and Benji gets a two-count from that while we GO TO COMMERCIAL?!?

---

We're back! And Mark Henry has MVP in a bearhug! How exciting. Benji comes in, suplexes MVP and goes right to a resthold. When did Shelton's tattoo get so huge? He keeps the control on until he goes for the "jump-liner," as I like to call it, but he gets tossed in a sort of back body drop/overhead belly-to-belly thing. Christian tags in and gets a reverse DDT for 2. Xtian gets that cool-as-fuck springboard sunset flip, that cool-as-fuck rope reversal kick, and a tornado DDT. Christian and MVP go outside to pull Mark Henry out'tha ring, Tony Atlas distracts Mr. Cage once he's back in, Benji hits the Paydirt (thanks for correcting me on that "Jumpliner" call!) and that'll be three.
Benji pins Christian -> Paydirt, *1/4

THE AWEXOMEST THING... Mark Henry had minimal involvement, and actually served somewhat of a purpose!
THE UN-AWEXOMEST THING... Would it kill them to let the match go a little longer, especially if they're going to have it go through two segments?

HEY NOW, here's another 12 Rounds promo. Color me bored.

Finlay keeps looking for his lost midget, and WHO exactly is this dancing idjit? I'm sorry, I haven't watched this show in quite some time. Before I can be bothered to absorb what the announcers call him, I'm distracted by OH-SHIT-MATT-SYDAL-RETURNS-FROM-INJURY-NEXT!!!

--- (WMXX flashback... yeah, Eddie won. Cena won in the opening match, yeah... WHERE'S BENOIT?!? C'mon, y'all, he's in your Encyclopedia!)

JAIME NOBLE (already in-ring, & therefore the loser) vs. EVAN "Matt {Air} Sydal" BOURNE. Noble out-cools Matty to start, then Sydal gets a leg lariat. Fancy rollup that Jaime kicks out of, Bourne goes to an armbar, then Noble FUCKS him up with some stiff shots. He goes to a camel clutch, Evan strikes out & gets a 'rana, some fancy kicks and a standing moonsault. Shooting star press, and that'll be all.
Bourne pins Noble -> SSP. *3/4

THE AWESOMEST THING... Short, but entertaining. It was good to see Sydal back, and I think I'll finally relent and start calling him by his "slave name" now. Expect a few slip-ups, though.
THE UN-AWEXOMEST THING... Are they ever going to let Jaime Noble matter? Maybe he should put the mask back on and be Jaime-san.

Backstage, the Stupid Midget throws corned beef & cabbage on Katie Lea, who I don't think is as attractive as the rest of the IWC does. Finlay finds his "son," the British lady looks pissed, commercial.

---

DIDJA KNOW?!? SmackDown! 500th episode, quicker than anything, blahblahblah. Let's talk every possible accomplishment up, so we seem LEGIT~!

"ECW" Champion Jack SWAGGA gets an introduction for a not-in-ring-just-on-entrance-stage promo, and he seems to be over as a heel. I've got to give him that. He puts over his "2X-2X-All-American-American" catchphrase, and... uhh, that's it? I've seen two matches featuring this man, and I was more impressed by Christian than anything he did.

Teddy Long chats backstage with his chick whose name I can't be bothered to try and remember OR look up, and he's joined by Paul Burchill and Katie Lea. They've pretty much forgotten about that Cruel Intentions thing, haven't they? The English folk complain about the Irish food that was thrown at them, and Teddy suggests they meet Finlay in the ring. Oh, and TONIGHT! DIRT SHEET!

--- (Goddamnit, I hate Nic Cage almost as much as I hate Vickie Guerrero. Neither of them seems to ever get any better, no matter how long they continue wasting oxygen.)

PAUL BURCHILL (w/Katie Lea, in-ring... this doesn't bode well) vs. (Fit?) FINLAY (w/his stupid midget). Lockup to start, Finlay PWNS Burchill with a stiff clothesline, then hits my favorite move in all of wrestling (the dragon sleeper -> backbreaker Christian used to do, a.k.a. "the Seizure Salad") for two. Hornswaggle jumps on the announce table for some reason, then Burchill gets backdropped out of the ring. He gets control of the match, uses some basic strikes and a sleeper, then Fin breaks out with the Stunner-like jawbreaker reversal. Burchill gets the fuck beaten out of him, eats an Irish Earthquake splash, then falls flat on his arse while attempting the jumping reverse neckbreaker. Celtic Cross (which Matt Stryker also calls an Emerald Fusion!), and we're done.
Finlay pins Burchill -> Celtic Cross. **

THE AWEXOMEST THING... I'm torn between the Earthquake splash and the Seizure Salad.
THE UN-AWEXOMEST THING... Do I even need to complain about the midget? Yeah, whatever, it's for the kids, I don't care.

--- (After they completely screwed the great build of the Jericho match, Untertaker/HBK may very well be the only Wrestlemania match I have any interest in.)

DIRT SHEET TIME! Main Event Interview, yeah. Miz and Morrisson are in the ring with the Bella Twins, there's some confusion over which is which... and I get a phone call from my friend Andrew telling me the card for the Ring of Honor show this Saturday that we'll be attending. Sorry, that sounds more important right now.

RoH World title: Nigel McGuinness (c.) vs. KENTA
RoH Tag titles, no DQ: Kel Steenerico (c.) vs. the American Wolves
Elimination tag: Jimmy Jacobs, Austin Aries, & Brodie Lee vs. Tyler Black, Necro Butcher & Delirious
Bryan Danielson & ??? vs. Bison Smith & ???
Brent Albright vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Jerry Lynn vs. Mike Quackenbush
Jay Briscoe vs. D'Lo Brown
Roderick Strong & Erick Stevens vs. Kenny King & Rhett Titus
Bobby Dempsey vs. ??? (whoever it is will be the most over heel in the building for five minutes)

FUCK YEAH, D'Lo! Oh, yeah... the show I'm watching. The Colon brothers interrupt the Dirt Sheet, there's some promo flashbacks, an apple gets spat at a Twin (he's still on that apple kick?), and a scuffle is halted. I'm glad I wasn't listening. End of show.

---

Not the worst show to start watching again on, mostly because it was an hour & I was drinking. I saw that Xtian/SWAGGA rematch from a few weeks ago online, and I wish they'd have at least ONE match that length every week. Oh, well. Peace oot.

Might be a real silly way to start off the new 456.blogging year, but here it is...

The Purkins Clan's O.G. Japanese Cereal

INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup microwaveable "minute" rice
1/2 cup water
1 egg
1 slice American cheese (a "Kraft single," I guess)
Etcetera (seasonings, vegetables, meat, whatever)

Measuring cups
Microwave-safe bowl & cover
Pot holder/other device protective against heat
Microwave (clearly)
Fork (not to be put in microwave)

Add the 1/2 cup of rice to your microwave-safe bowl, then chop up & throw in whatever non-seasonings you'll be using. I like overdosing on the vegetables, adding liberal amounts of sliced onions, zuchini, red or green peppers... my Grandma suggested tossing some ham in there this morning, I have to remember to try that. Pour in the water, mix the contents so the rice and veggies cook evenly, then microwave (covered) on high for 5 1/2 minutes.
Remove the bowl carefully (it's gonna be hot!), then crack your egg into the bowl & drape the slice of cheese over it. Stir thoroughly! The entire mixture should take on an overall yellowy color when everything's dispersed evenly, and the contents of the bowl SHOULD be hot enough to cook the egg by itself. Still, I put the bowl back in the microwave (after adding seasonings - salt, pepper, Mrs. Dash, whatever) for 30 seconds just to be sure. Who wants to risk raw egg? Remove carefully (again), stir again to get stuff off the sides of the bowl, and eat it.

When I moved into my Granparents' house with them and my father, Dad told me about this particular dish that he makes for himself just about every morning. According to him, it's what Japanese kids eat for breakfast instead of cereal, which I'd love to believe as it would make that culture just a little bit cooler still. I know I haven't eaten cereal in the morning since I came across this simple, delicious ten-minute-or-less microwavable wonder. Throw some toast on your table, too, maybe a piece of fruit for "desert," wash it down with some coffee (or better yet! Gatorade AM) and you've got the O.G. way to start your day.

P.S. Obviously, that's my name for the dish. You can really call it whatever you want, as my Dad didn't have a name for it when I inquired about one... I just felt that, as long as I was writing the recipe down I may as well hijack the name & call it something gangsta.
Who wants to write a cookbook? Matt, I'm lookin' at you, your tuna sandwiches & whatever breakfast foods you've been talking up to Justin for so long!

So, Fuckin' ZOMBIES! is in the can. Still being edited, kinda, because we want the colors and music to look & sound awesome, but it's done. First "film" 4our 5ided Trian6le. has actually completed, and I'm proud as fuck of it. So many people worked so hard to get it done, and I know they'll be happy when everyone finally sees the fruits of our labor. Nobody has asked me yet, but I feel the need to pose the question to myself - what're we shooting next? We don't know. BUT, here are some ideas. (working title) The Quest! is one of my favorite ideas for a movie out of the countless I've had & tried to write, because it was born during a true-life event that inspired it - me, Morgan & James went through quite the ordeal to see Superbad on opening night (RIGHT after we'd finished principal photography on F'n Zs!), and I do believe that it was I who sugested that it'd make a movie about guys trying to see a movie would be cool. Also, I was jazzed about the idea because it used the characters from Savage., which we tried to film twice and it never quite worked. Plus, it's kind of the same movie as Savage. in that it's a film about a bunch of guys in a car... and if you ask me, that's a pretty simple concept to point a camera at & make happen. ...also, I don't care that nobody likes the title the Quest! enough to fully commit to it as the proper name of the script. Nobody has been able to come up with anything universally agreed uon as being better, so as long as I'm the one writing out the screenplay? THAT'S the name of the movie. One Night in Brooklyn is my newest idea for a script, and it was conceived when I was pissed off that I couldn't vote for Obama while living in Pennsylvania. It didn't really matter, because he won the state anyway... but still. Also, I doubted that movies like Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist got the City "right," and I was missing what I used to have when I was in that particular borough every other weekend. Also, I had just watched Go and wanted to write something with a ton of characters whose stories intersected, even in the most minute way. It's about this big party that I used to go to in Brooklyn that took place across two floors & a roof, whose residents paid their rent by throwing a building-wide celebration of debauchery. I'm less sure about this one's working title, and haven't even finished outlining it yet - nobody has read what I've wrote yet, so I'm not even sure that it's a strong enough idea for a film. But damnit, I want to write SOMETHING that serves as an ode to my first serious relationship. Morgan is still into the idea of giving Savage. one last serious try after one more rewrite, and I'm not totally opposed to the idea. The movie, for those who don't already know, is a partially-true story about a group of friends trying to save the glue that held their friendship together from his evil, manipulative girlfriend. It would be cheap to shoot, but there are a few problems with casting. We doubt that we'd be able to get the actual, factual Savage to act in the flick, because he's got lots of greater responsibilities & likely wouldn't have the time. There's one other character (Harold de la Rocha) who we're not sure who we'd get to play, and Matt is highly unlikely to devote the time to play the character based on him. It's also kind of discouraging to try and film a project for a third time, so I dunno. A script that I'd LOVE to shoot (but I know we probably won't) is one Morgan wrote for a college screenwriting course, entitled Battlefield: Party. It's a Superbad-ish story about friends at a (shocker!) party, trying to get laid and get their music played. I believe it to be simpler to film than Morgan does, and he's still working on the script so it's highly unlikely that it'll get made. But, I think the script's really funny so I'll never stop trying to convince him. There's a whole series of possible YouTube shorts based on Los Hispanicos that we could do, but that's just a pipe dream right now. And, after watching Cloverfield again I came up with a very silly idea for a cheesy movie called Giant Monsters Attack New York, but there's no way I'd actually commit to writing it... or, get anyone else to agree to it. That's it right now... I'm writing the Quest! and 1 Night in BK, so we'll see how those go. TOODLE-OO! - Malibu Chumsley, aka "That 456. Guy"

I'm going to steal a page from the Book of Esch and hit you all with quick, short reviews for all the movies I've seen so far this year and HAVEN'T fully reviewed. I probably intended to, but what can I say - I'm lazy. Most of them are from the "Summer Movie Season," which is basically over (and Dark Knight's still in theaters!).

Be Kind, Rewind - Weird movie. REALLY weird movie. Good, funny, well shot and acted... but fucking WERIRD. Jack Black electrocutes himself (or something), erases the tapes in Danny Glover's video store, so Jack and Mos Def create new movies and a deliberately fake biopic (huh?) to save the store from being condemned. Oh, after Black pees magnetic urine, with the electrocution/tape erasing being the only sublot of the film's billion n' a half that gets resolved. SO much shit going on in this one. But I liked it plenty, so whatever. See if it you're curious and like any of the three main actors/musicians.
Final Rating: 7.0/10.0

(...I know Danny Glover's not a musician of any kind... but what if he, Mos Def and Jack Black all recorded a rap album?)

Iron Man - Blockbuster season officially begins. When I first heard they'd be making an Iron Man movie, I asked "why?" When I learned that it was to jumpstart the new Avengers franchise Marvel seems to want to do, they convinced me. Still, I went into this film expecting very little, and got a fuck of a lot. They did it all right, or at least right enough - the casting (except Gwyneth Paltrow), Tony Stark's origin, the different suits. Sam Jackson is Ultimate Nick Fury, for Pete's sake! This immediately shot up my list of favorite comic book adaptations. In May, I didn't think anything was better than it except for Sin City and Batman Begins. Heh...
Final Ratting: 8.5/10.0

Kung Fu Panda - Me and Morgan made a ridiculous point to go see this movie baked after smoking my (now dearly departed) panda pipe. Good decision, because it made us pretty comfortable giggling like retards in a theater full of old people and children. Jack Black was cast and animated perfectly as the titular Panda, which basically looked like furry, CGI Jack Black. Everyone else in the movie sounded like they were there a day and were being taunted with their paychecks on fishing line while recording. Still funny, though... the opening anime-ish introduction was really cool, as were the credits. They probably looked better than the actual movie. Funny enough for a kids movie that you wouldn't hate yourself after watching.
Final Rating: 6.75/10.0

The Dark Knight - What can be said about this movie that hasn't already been agreed upon by everyone? It. Was. The. Fucking. SHIT. May as well have been called the Joker, because the film was all about him from the first scene on. As a change of pace (that Matt told me I should write), here are five things I DIDN'T like about Dark Knight.
1. Batman's voice. Everyone complained about this - I didn't really mind, but I thought it was pretty funny after so much dialogue from the guy.
2. Rachel Dawes. Different actor, still annoying. Good thing she DIES!
3. A little too long. Didn't have to be three hours, but every time I felt like it could end they just kept bringing the awesome. Could've saved Two Face for the next movie, though, as great as he was.
4. Batman's crazy-ass Batvision. They didn't need to lift a completely implausible special effect from the goddamn Daredevil movie.
5. No Batcave. But it's explained why in the first one. Now I'm just nitpicking.
Final Score: 9.75/10.0

Hellboy II: the Golden Army - Hellboy 1 was a movie. It tried as hard as it could, and it succeeded in that much at least. Well... Hellboy 2 is a movie, too (two?). The effects looked cool, and Hellboy & Abe Sapien singing whilst drunk was funny. But, y'know, what the fuck was going on?!? It was all just really "whatever" - see it if you liked the first one at all.
Final Score: 5.0/10.0

Pineapple Express - Now, HERE is a movie you had to see stoned. I want to go back and try again sober, but as it was I really loved this movie. It wasn't a technical masterpiece or anything, but it's so fucking funny. Stoner/action/comedy will be the new genre people try and beat into the ground, I gurantee it. Everyone is hilarious, James Franco finally makes me not hate him for the Spidey films by being the standout performance, plus the Buddhist ex-prostitute & all the evil henchmen are great. See it, be you a pothead or not.
Final Score: 8.0/10.0

Tropic Thunder - I wanted to see one last movie this summer, missed Wall-E and the Hulk, and Andrew saw this one and raved about it. I liked the idea of Robert Downey Jr. as a black man, plus I'd already seen all Jack Black's movies this year so I felt obligated. After the fake trailers in the beginning ended and it turned into a movie about making a movie, I lost interest. Jack Black was funny, I guess, and Downey did such a good job that I'd like to see him play War Machine in Iron Man 2. But Ben Stiller is still Ben Stiller, so I laughed about twice. Lots of cool looking explosions, but overall stupid. Not for everyone.
Final Score: 6.0/10.0

AND THAT'S IT FOR NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Yeah, so I watched Fuckin ZOMBIES! for like, the third or fourth time ever, and I felt like spontaneously reviewing a film that no one outside of the core crew has seen, just to be a dick. I dont want to spoil anything about the film (despite it's plot complexity ranking somewhere between a fifty piece puzzle and a joke you find on a popsicle stick). In short, the film is good. Good for what it is. A budget of about five hundred dollars, a decent camera, and at least one or two funny ideas wandering by make it watchable, if not spectacular. Granted, I still havent seen the full final finished version (and part of me thinks that no one ever really will), but the script is crisper, funnier, and far better paced than the last one cranked out by Charlie Purkins, and unlike Morgan's previous script (the ill fated Diamonds & Guns), this script was readable.

The acting is fairly solid all the way around, but two cast members really shine in their respective roles, oddly enough the two with the least prior acting experience. Both Andrew Monsen and Kelli Garnett are the most engaging and believable characters in the film, having instant chemistry with all the other parts. Morgan Eschmann meanwhile, does a fine job playing a character that is essentially him, and Elmo Machete & Chris Tudisco do a fine job of hamming the shit out of themselves... all good performances, but lacking the simple magic of the bickering couple portrayed to great effect by a pair of real life exes. And then there's my performance. Yes, I'm in the film too. I gotta say, I dont see what the big deal is, but a lot of people who've seen the film have said that my scenes are the best. I've now watched the movie a couple times... and I don't see it. My character is over the top, almost slapstick, and has a terrible phony Lawn Guyland accent, but for some reason John deLarge, Marc, and Dave all like the idea of me trying to rape Andrew. I dunno.

A special note should be made of the titular "fuckin' zombies," who are all fuckin' awesome. Seriously, I can't extend enough gratitude to all the idiots who got to Whitecap early and let Moe and Charlie put latex all over them for a grand total of two minutes of the film. Kudos. Also kudos to my sister, who sat bored to shit at Morgans house with her make-up on for hours, complaining that they were taking too long. Thus far there are things about the film that aren't finished, like the score, the sound effects, and the color correction (which a film luddite like me can only assume means making at least one person in the film look black to avoid a lawsuit), but it promises to only get better. Overall I give the film a 7 out of a possible 10 (taking into consideration that this movie was shot for no money by people that I know, of course). - teh Farrell. (punctuation, capitalization and otherwise checked by the 'Mo.)

The other day, Andrew showed me some clips from something Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly - but don't hold those against him) did while the dreaded Writer's Strike was going on. He went ahead with his brothers and one of their wives and they all wrote a musical called Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog. Andrew played me two or three songs on YouTube and told me the premise... "musical, supervillain, love story, Bad Horse." That's all I needed.

...PLUS, me and Morgan watched it over at Milli's after we'd gone to see Hellboy 2 in theaters that afternoon, so I was ready for something slightly above mediocre.

So, yeah. Starring Neil Patrick Harris of Doogie Howser, Harold & Kumar and holy-shit-he's-gay fame as the titular Dr. Horrible, this lame "super" villain lives in an apartment with his henchman buddy Moist (with the power to dampen things) and tapes the trials n' tribulations in his life for his Internet video blog. Every now and again he stops to sing about the awesome destruction his freeze ray will bring, or how he's in love with this girl Penny he does laundry with in his civillian identity. She ends up with his archnemesis Captain Hammer, who is Nathan Fillion from... well, YEAH Firefly, but Slither too. That was great. Anyhow, they meet during a botched robbery Horrible tried to commit, the story progresses and everyone sings along the way. It's a musical, after all.

The story is actually very engaging, as you learn (and laugh) alot about these characters through all the songs. Dr. Horrible just wants to be taken seriously, and is crushed when he turns out to still be an idiot & gets turned down by the Evil League of Evil (lead by Bad Horse, who has his own personal singing telegram cowboys deliver the best chunks of the movie). Penny just wants to help the homeless, and Hammer is... well, a douchebag. Nathan Fillion plays a damn good douchebag. And if you saw the ending coming, fuck you. If you DIDN'T, and the "twist" didn't bum you out? Fuck you again, you're just wrong.

Filmed on the cheap (by Hollywood standards, anyway) to "circumvent the reasons the Strike was happening for," I don't really know if they've accomplished it because the only way to get it is paying for the three seperate acts on iTunes. But it was apparantly done for free by all the actors just for fun, and it certainly looks like they had a boatload of fun doing this thing. And for a forty-five minute musical video blog by a niche sci-fi guy and a bunch of B-list actors, what more can you ask for?

Highly reccomended if you like musicals or comics... or Buffy and Firefly, I guess.

Final score: 8.25/10.0

by cK, who has always wanted a shoe phone.

Due to brokeness, I haven't been able to see too many movies so far this summer. I had perverse interest in Indiana Jones and Kung-Fu Panda, but there's no way I'm actually seeing them in theaters. Fuck, I haven't even seen the Incredible Hulk yet. I happened to have money the weekend Get Smart came out though, so me and Morgan went out to the Commack Multiplex to catch a 10:05 PM showing on June 21st after our fish marketing was done.
Here's all you need to know about the original Get Smart show - Don Adams, voice of Inspector Gadget, was Maxwell Smart. Agent of CONTROL alongside Agent 99, they had a crazy opening sequence with doors, a telephone booth elevator, shoe phones, they fought CHAOS, cool theme song, that's it. It was a cool show. All THAT stuff is, thankfully, in the film.
Steve Carell shows that he can't support a comedy as the only real "good" actor out of the cast, especially with a script as dull as this one. In the theater I heard a few chuckles here and there, but mostly for easy gags that were already featured in the trailer, involved fat suits or fake vomit. The scene where Maxwell Smart shoots himself over and over again with his pocket harpoon is kind of funny, but it was already done much better in an infinitely better movie (40 Year Old Virgin). Anne Hathaway... is really hot, and I'd like to see if maybe I could use my penis to inject her with some charisma. She plays the part of Agent 99 with little to no emotion. "Dull" and "boring" really kind of sum up this whole movie, which was proven to me when I fell asleep during the middle, when they tried to get the "plot" going.
Dwayne "Rocky Melvin" Johnson plays another agent, the poorly explained 23 who used to date 99 and gets all pissed 'cause she dumped him and likes Smart or something. Ooh, conflict. Alan Arkin is the chief of CONTROL, and he's a crazy old man so of course he's probably the funniest character in the film. The villains are forgetable, they're trying to kill the President or something, Steve Carell gets framed for it and for some reason, the massive, untalented Great Khali is there. He killed a dude in the ring once, y'know. David "T-Bones" Koechner is there too, and he always sucks... and Patrick Warburton shows up in the end as Hiro's robot with an anti-Semitic name.
The film was just faithful enough to the TV show not to piss me off, but it should've been funnier. It was directed well, I guess, because when everything was really loud and exploding the shots certainly looked cool. All the actors did the best they could've, except for the ones who will always suck. It comes down to the script I suppose, because it just plain wasn't that funny. When the best parts of your movie are already in the trailer, you know you've already got a problem.
I almost feel like I can't give this movie a fair rating, because I missed probably a full third of it while I was busy napping. But it's kind of the film's fault, because it failed to hold my interest enough to negate my Whitecap-induced exhaustion. Better than it was bad, but just barely.

Final Score: 5.25/10.0

by Elmo Machete, who finally decided to take a page from Matt & review a comic book.

Dictionary.com defines the word "Ultimate" as meaning "maximum, decisive," or "conclusive." Marvel Comics defines the word "Ultimate" as meaning "let's fuck around with everything!"

The Ultimate Marvel Universe, for the uninitiated, is an offshoot of the "regular" Marvel U started right at the dawn of the new millenium with the Ultimate Spider-Man title. Intended at first for younger readers, the universe branched out to cover all the old, farmiliar characters and update their histories to put them firmly in modern times, make them more realistic and make it so people didn't have to worry about 40-plus years of convoluted continuity. So this means Spidey is still in high school, the Fantastic Four are for some reason considerably younger, Nick Fury is Samuel L. Jackson instead of David Hasselhoff, Iron Man was a boy genius who got covered in blue Ghostbusters slime (or something), and Colossus is gay. Wait... what?

Obviously, as the universe branched out, creators took advantages of the clean slates they were given and some of the characters started becoming vastly different than their "Marvel 616" counterparts that we've all gotten used to. Nowhere is this more in effect than in the Ultimate Galactus Trilogy, written by a man well known for writing effed up ess, Warren Ellis. It contains all/most of the Ultimate folks we've grown to know and love over the imprint's (relatively) short life - the X-Men, F4, Ultimates (kinda the Avengers, made up of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Black Widow & Nick Fury) all show up and play big roles, and introduced are cool Ultimate versions of Mahr Vehl, the Falcon and who will eventually (we hope) become Warbird, Carol Danvers. Also introduced are slightly confusing, maybe-NOT-as-cool-as-the-regular-universe versions of the Silver Surfer (who has angel wings and walks around in a trenchcoat for some reason) and the Vision (a female robot herald of the oncoming destruction). On to the actual story, which is told in three books (and a one-shot drawn by the uber-aweXome John Romita Jr.), Nightmare, Secret & Extinction...

All communications systems on Earth are interrupted with messages of death and destruction, causing a shitload of people across the world to commit suicide because it's just so goddamn miserable. Nick Fury and Professor X both (seperately) send their teams out to Russia once the broadcast signal has been traced to an old Communist base. Both teams fight these weird Russian super soldiers that've been buried underground since the collapse of the Soviet Union, they find the Vision, & she/it warns of the coming "Gah Lak Tus" - the uncreator, the antigod. That covers Ultimate Nightmare, basically. Nothing terribly interesting happens in Secret, it pretty much just kills time before Gah Lakky's arrival with the weird-ass Surfer, these weird-ass cults that have sprung up to further "herald" Gah Lak Tus' coming, and a black chick with a robotic arm. Yeah. Shit hits various fans in Extinction, as the combined efforts of all the Ultimate heroes fight the weird cult thing while Reed Richards devises the "ultimate weapon" to defeat ol' Tus - a nuclear weapon detonated in a universe that hasn't been born yet, setting off a Big Bang that's teleported and aimed directly at Gah Lak Tus - which instead of being a big dude in a purple helmet is a fleet of purple spaceships that kinda LOOK like his helmet.

The story kinda hinges on what Gah Lak Tus ends up being, and it's not really that bad. If you DON'T want to go the "Big Purple Guy" route, a fleet of planet-destroying, energy-sucking ships (or even a big-ass space cloud/vortex thingy, as seen in the 2nd F4 movie) is as good a substitute as any. It's just that on the cover of the book, it doesn't say "Gah Lak Tus Trilogy" - it says "Galactus." Nobody would've been able to get the reg'lar Marvel U. version out of their head no matter how cool his Ultimate counterpart ended up being. The "Ultimate Weapon" Reed Richards uses to defeat it, though? Use whatever ridiculous, contrived explanation of it you want, but it ends up (essentially) just being a big fuckin' gun. He blows part of the Gah Lak Tus fleet away with thus F'n gun, and then it just retreats. That's it. That's what three books were building to.

The art, while drawn by a different artist each installment, is always good-to-great, and the characterizations are spot-on - I particularly liked the scene where Sue Storm tells Reed to get away from her while he's working on the weapon, as she's all stressed out because "this is too big. We shouldn't have to do this." For as many little cool nuggets there are scattered throughout, though, the story feels really disjointed and left me feeling sort of flat in the end. But, whatever. For the Ultimate Universe's first big-ass, world shaking crossover is was at least as good as it should've been... just not all that "world shaking."

Final Score: 6.0/10.0

P.S. I am now officially sick of the word "ultimate."