So christmas is in 3 days, and while I am so super excited for my kids to open there gifts and see them so excited about it. I think that at this time next year karma will be almost 4 already. How the years are going by. Her birthday is in 3 months and she will be 3 and I can't believe its almost been 2 years since kade was a little newborn. I love seeing them grow and watching all the cute new things they do. I am so proud of my babies.

So christmas is soon... and I love christmas, After I moved out of home Christmas wasn't that big of a thing. You don't wake up with family to see what is under the tree or smell the backing of ham or turkey that has been cooking all christmas eve. You don't wake up and see everyone in pajama's pissed because you woke them up early.  Now that I have my own family Christmas is special again. I wake up now excited for myself but excite to see them and there reactions to everything. To cook and to get everything ready so they can enjoy christmas.

So everyone have a great christmas. And remember its more exciting to give than to recieve.

So many questions, I want answers for but know I will never recieve. So many stories never fully told that I will never get to hear. To you this is just another rant. Another one of Tressa's dumb blogs but to me its a way to relieve myself. Its like writing my feelings and feeling as though the page is listening. I can say anything, type anything and its not going to yell at me, laugh at me, disappoint me. Writing in its own strange way can comfort me and reasure me that everything is going to be ok. People who can't relate to writing a blog or a poem to release problems have no idea what I am talking about. There are so many things that I can't talk to people about. So many things that I just can't let out for fear that someone will judge me or laugh at me or just not understand. I don't get a lot of things or why they happen. I just know they do. Its not like I walk around waiting for something to happen, for something to bring trouble along. This blog won't make sense to anyone but me and it don't really matter. I need to go to bed becasue i am tired yet i can't sleep. two things that don't go along with each other but happen to everyone at some point. gah its whatever. I am going to go lay down. This blog will be confusing to most but some may get the picture.

I have beauty

But it covers the pain.

Its a clever coy

I have obtained.

I've learned the tricks

and I know the game.

How to put on a happy face

and live with the pain.

You see me

ohh she looks so pretty.

You see what I allow you to see

Not what is truely within me.

I go on living day by day

Making myself pretty

Not showing you my pain.

So it has been a little since I wrote something. I have been thinking a lot. I guess you would call it a philosophy thought or something. Just about how things get from one point to another and how everything in the world comes together and happens for a reason. I am a big believer in faith. My faith is high and I don't stress often because I believe if you have faith and you believe in it then everything will get better before they get too bad. I always sit and observe people and their families and things they do. I wonder why they are the way they are. Many blame it on the way they were raised, and I myself find that hard to believe. Growing up my life wasn't easy but I don't dwell on it. I don't allow my past to haunt my life and bring me down, when its great just to wake up in the morning. Everyday to me is an opportunity to do something, to appreciate what I have, to make dreams and goals for myself. Everyday I wake up and see my children, I silently thank god that I have them and that I can spend every waking moment looking at them and receiving the cutest, most adoring, innocent hugs and kiss's. Something so untained and pure makes me feel cleansed. Most people reading this may think its stupid and that I have fallen off the deep end and if you don't have children then you can't compare. But I know I am not the only one that see's the little things like a random kiss or a cute little smile as something so much bigger. When a giggle breaks loose because I push my children on the swing it's one more thing that brightens my soul. Every little thing my children do seems like it washes all the black tained tar from my past away. It makes whatever my life has held until now worth it. My soul glows from the inside out, and I know no matter what my brother (not merrill) or my family think about me, when I look into there eyes and tuck them into bed I know I have succeeded in life. I have two of the most wonderful gifts God could have given a person laying in there rooms peacefully sleeping right now. I have pride in myself no matter what people say to bring me down that I have more than they could imagine for themselves. I was always raised that people only talk because they are jealous.

So that is just something that came to me. I felt in my body that I had to write something and that is what came out. It to me is beautiful and says everything I feel I am just suprised it came out on paper so beautiful.