Texas Frightmare Weekend

Recent guest additions: The power of Christ compels us to welcome Linda Blair to Texas Frightmare Weekend May 1-3 in Dallas! Tyler Mane of Rob Zombie's Halloween and the upcoming continuation of the Michael Myers saga's reboot, H2. Michael Rooker chilled audiences permanently as real-deal serial killer Henry Lee Lucas in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Plus, presenting sponsor Anchor Bay Entertainment brings us an exclusive Laid to Rest screening with cast and crew -- including Lena Headey of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Make your plans to attend all three frightful days of the southwest's premier horror convention and film festival!

Bones

4 of 5 stars / 2001 / B

Elvis did it. So did Frank and Madonna. Singers aren't often the best actors, but their public, and sometimes their egos, demand it. Rappers may have the strongest call to the big screen. Perhaps it's the same inner force that compels them to long for Bentleys, speedboats and vintage Miss Pac-Man games. CineSchlocker fave Ice-T makes movies as often as he changes his high-dollar drawers. Ice Cube is no slouch either and has young upstarts like Ja Rule and Pras anxious to follow suit. Are they in it for the loot? The bragging rights? That's anybody's guess. But Snoop Dogg just wants to be Freddy Krueger. That's ultimately the genesis of Bones (2001, 97 minutes). In it, rap's favorite son, The Doggfather, a towering, lanky dude whose stage experience dates back to church pageants as a youngster, cuts a ferocious silhouette as horror's latest and most promising boogeyman. A vengeful spirit sworn to righteously and brutally right them who done him and his wrong, wrong, wrong.

The movie: In the '70s, Jimmy Bones (Mr. Dogg) is the beloved sultan of his squeaky-clean urban kingdom. He's driven down its streets, where he occasionally stops to slip candy buyin' cash into hands of adoring children, or to tenderly squeeze luscious melons at a street-side grocery with his beautiful Pearl (Pam Grier). All seems as though this burgeoning utopia is destine for increasingly brighter tomorrows. That is until the Big "C" rolls into town. Jimmy'll run numbers, move a little grass, but he flatly rejects a heavy-handed business proposal to allow CRACK to be sold on his corners. As a result, like Julius Caesar before him, Jimbo is brutally murdered at the hands of those he'd trusted most, even loved. Unlike that Roman fella, however, these folks make Bones take a BIG OL' HIT off a crack pipe before pumping his chest full of lead and taking turns jabbing a switchblade into his gut until his crack-addled spirit wafts, more like, wobbles into the afterlife. Years later, as his body lies rotting in a shallow basement grave, the scourge of drugs has reduced Jimbo's once proud community into a hopelessly grim ghetto. Things manage to get WORSE for the big guy, though, when some hip-hopping kids wander in from the burbs with the idea of turning his haunt into one supremely "OFF THE HOOK!" dance club. That's about the time Bonesy starts slashing hiney. First his jet-black hell hound indulges its hankering for human and before long Jimbo himself blasts out of his grave amid a wall of flame that permanently poops everyone's party. Then he's off to pay rather unpleasant nocturnal visits on those sorry dogs who kilt him and poisoned his peeps with crack. But as in life, Jimmy always makes time for some sweet lovin' with his special lady.



CineSchlockers will love seeing Ms. Grier reprise her Queen of Blaxploitation look during the flashback sequences, but it's a role that also depends on her emotional strengths as an actress, over her prowess with a sawed-off scatter gun. Khalil Kain plays the young entrepreneur who setup shop where he shouldn't have. Some may have seen him as Tiger Woods in the Showtime biopic. Ginger Snaps sensation Katherine Isabelle is ALMOST convincing in her tinted shades and do-rag.

Notables: Two breasts. 12 corpses. Gratuitous Vincent Price reference. Seance footage. Projectile maggot puking. Maggot rain. Maggot eating. Wise-cracking severed head. Gospel singing. Writhing wall of tortured souls. Seriously dislocated jaw. Gratuitous fast-mo AND slow-mo. Badass devil dog.

Quotables: Brutus, er, Jeremiah has no desire for reparations, "Personally, I don't need a mule. I got myself a Lexus." Jimbo turns down a stake in the sale of hard drugs in his neighborhood, "That's beautiful, baby. Totally widescreen sci-fi forward thinking and I can dig that. But that's for you and yours. Me and mines? We cool as a mother f@#$ing icicle in the freezer." Then politely, but firmly dismisses his would be partners, "It's never business, it's always pleasure." After his untimely death, children could be heard singing, "This is the story of Jimmy Bones / Black as night and hard as stone / Gold-plated deuce like the King of Siam / Got a switchblade loose and a diamond on his hand / They took his life, he never rested in peace / Now his vengeance will be unleashed."

Time codes: Something ain't right in this crib (6:00). An ode to Bob Keen's juicy re-animation sequence in Hellraiser (39:50). Where this whole misfortunate series of events began (52:00). Bones instructs smart-mouthed pushers on the power of his supernatural high (1:09:34).

Final thought: A heroic killer crackhead!? Brilliant!!! Snoop's wry, ultra-laid-back style is an inspired fit. Bring on the sequels!

What's new?

Three flicks -- all featuring homicidal maniacs with an unnatural affinity for really, really pointy things. Ah, Freud would be amused.

Friday the 13th is BACK in multiplexes this weekend, which come to think of it, isn't all that surprising considering The Big Guy returned for his ninth sequel IN SPACE and an overly ballyhoo'd grudge match against Freddy Krueger. Yet from the exceedingly vicious opening reel, CineSchlockers will readily recall why this murderous mama's boy holds a special spot in our little black hearts. Boy howdy, does Jason ever have his machete mojo back -- and then some. Big as a house. Faster than Willa Ford popping her top. Mean as hell. Jason Voorhees is truly a bad motherf@#%er in what's easily the best of the recent rash of remakes. Definitely see this sucker with an audience.

As undeniably memorable as the aforementioned Ms. Ford's topless water skiing on Crystal Lake is, Betsy Rue bests that spectacle in a SIX-MINUTE birthday-suit brouhaha inside and outside a midget-managed no-tell motel in My Bloody Valentine 3D. Goes right up there with Linnea Quigley doing her hippy, hippy shake atop a tombstone in Return of the Living Dead. Best of all, both tapping AND kicking ass au natural was Betsy's idea. Take that Susie Strasberg!

Finally, by way of Norway, a deranged Yukon Cornelius whets his ice axe with castoffs from The Hills: Oslo Edition. (That's right, ICE axe. Not to be confused with The Miner's pick axe or Jason's double-headed lumber liquidator.) Unfortunately, CineSchlockers unseduced by Cold Prey's breathtaking Scandinavian mountain vistas or suspense-over-substance pacing will no doubt wonder if the first human Popsicle is ever gonna get popped.

More from The Vault

Send your comments to noel@cineschlocker.com
© 2009 G. Noel Gross, CineSchlocker.com

Happy New Year!

Behold the debut issue of the It Came From The Vault! newsletter. Response to the launch of the CineSchlock-O-Rama archive site has been humbling! Already had to order more booster buttons. The first couple hundred making their way as far as Germany and South Africa. Schlock knows no borders! Now, it's never farther than your inbox!

Adventures in Geekdom

These days yours truly is consumed with Texas Frightmare Weekend, which has rapidly become the southwest's premier horror convention and film festival. We're deep into planning our May 1-3 event (in Dallas) featuring shock rock icon Alice Cooper and a host of other fright favorites. Hope to see y'all there!

Axe

4 of 5 stars / 1974 / A

Some exhibitors dubbed this flick the California Axe Massacre in an attempt to exploit the success of a certain increasingly notorious movie released the same year. They weren't entirely cracked. Both pictures illustrate the dangers city folk face when they wander too far into rural America. Each feature catatonic patriarchs, damsels in distress and implements befitting lumberjacks. They share a similarly gritty, uneasy atmosphere, but familiarity doesn't equal, well, equality. One's THE greatest horror picture ever made. While Axe (1974, 68 minutes) is a comparative footnote. But writer/director Frederick R. Friedel's crime story turned blood feast is well worth exploring, no matter how the title card reads.

The movie: Three underworld enforcer types lamb it to the sticks after murdering a fella and chasing his shrieking boyfriend out the window of a high-rise apartment building. Steele, the head hood (Jack Canon), doesn't seem phased by having to leave the city behind, as he much prefers to look generally disinterested while absently fiddling with his cuticles. Meanwhile, back at the farm, we meet a dour teenage girl named Lisa (Leslie Lee) who lives alone with her invalid grandfather (Douglas Powers). Hers seems a joyless life as she hums the same melancholy tune while spooning broth into grandpa's drooling mouth, as she does when blankly lopping off a hen's head. Not far away, the fugitives' car lurches to a stop in front of a sleepy country store and Steele swaggers in for nourishment and criminal diversion. He flings apples at the shopkeeper's head before making her strip and dodge bullets for his amusement. Of course, these cruel buzzards land at Lisa's doorstep and force themselves upon her hospitality. To their bewilderment, she appears nonplused by their menacing presence, as her only passive concern seems to be for her beloved pappy. Our director plays Billy, the third and most reluctant bad guy, who takes it upon himself to preserve Lisa's virtue and life against the base urges of his comrades. However, this razor-clawed kitten is in NO need of a hero.Eagle-eyed CineSchlockers will remember Mr. Canon was among the valiant defenders of the Dixie Boy Truck Stop in Maximum Overdrive.




Notables: No breasts. Six corpses. Cigar burn to the mouth. Baby doll bludgeoning. Coca-Cola cleavage. Foot chase. Cookie dunking. Toenail clipping. Bathtub dismemberment. Geriatric sponge bath. Produce skeet shoot.

Quotables: Steele grows impatient with his fidgety lackey, "Why don't you go get me a glass of water -- then drink it yourself! It'll give you something to do!" And later, he admires some cantaloupes, "The lady's sure got some nice melons there, Lomax. I bet she's got some OTHER nice melons!" Billy helps Lisa move an exceptionally heavy trunk, "What have you got in there? Old bowling balls?!"

Time codes: The boys play William Tell with a blubbering convenience store clerk (16:16). An unlucky relative of Mike the Headless Chicken (18:43). Lisa introduces cutlery into traditional bath-time fun (45:20). Bizzaro commercial for Campbell's Home Cookin' Soup (1:00:38).

Final thought: Lisa is such an enigma that the tension born from not knowing what she'll do from moment to moment is weirdly enthralling.

What's new?

Good to know my close, personal friend Tommy Habeeb is still up to Beelzebub's business. The legendary Cheaters host has cultivated Stag: Last Night of Freedom into a bona fide deep, dark cable hit. Particularly among attention-starved engagement ring gazers willing to wager their booze-addled hubbies-to-be won't go ape poopie in the face (or nethers) of not-so-taut temptresses. Naturally, with a titillating title such as Stag: Topless Treasures Uncensored one expects (and gets) a leering "Grooms Gone Wild" bachelor party ride along. Yet, as with Cheaters, the 24-karat gold gleams most blindingly when Tommy presents his tattle-tale video to deliciously devastated, alternately ENRAGED bridezillas. Hell hath no fury, indeed!

Let the Right One In is easily the best horror movie (with heart) since May. Sink your fangs deeper into Oskar and Eli's beautifully blood-soaked serenade by investing in the original novel. It's certain to enhance CineSchlockers appreciation of the film as an adaptation, while also expanding the richness of the story.

However, if like yours truly, your preferred reading has more pictures than words, check out The Walking Dead -- a fantastic comic series which, better than any film, explores the human drama of a post-zombie apocalypse world. CineSchlockers will care about these "survivors" and their losses and (meager) advances truly become your own. Issue 56, which just published, celebrates five years of the monthly series and, thoughtfully, issues 1-48 have been beautifully collected in four hardcovers.

More from The Vault

Send your comments to noel@cineschlocker. com
© 2009 G. Noel Gross, CineSchlocker. com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SCHLOCKMEISTER UNLEASHES 5-YEAR ARCHIVE OF TALES FROM THE CINEMATIC CRYPT
CineSchlocker. com to serve as ongoing ode to 'bad movies' and other weirdness

Popular online columnist G.
Noel Gross has launched a new website (CineSchlocker. com) featuring hundreds of the author's chicken-fried reviews, fringe-cinema interviews and frightful features.


At its end in 2006, "CineSchlock-O-Rama" was read by more than 17,000 subscribers and now, for the first time, has been collected within an online omnibus, CineSchlocker. com, named for the term Gross used to identify himself and fellow genre fans of unconventional tastes.


"I used to tell folks I loved 'bad movies.' I've since realized that's a flawed statement," Gross said.


"No entertaining movie is truly bad. Production value. Acting. Special effects. Ultimately, none of that really matters. Is it entertaining? That's the overriding test and why I find just as much joy in the rough hewn gems of a Herschell Gordon Lewis as I do the blistering brilliance of Hitchcock, Leone or Welles.
"

In addition to more than 550 reviews, CineSchlocker. com collects popular features such as "CineSchlock-O-Rama's Most Wanted," "Adventures in Geekdom" and yearly surveys of the "Best of Schlock.
"

G. Noel Gross, of Dallas, discovered B-movies as a youngster in the piney woods of East Texas where he spent many a Saturday afternoon glued to the TV watching flicks such as Food of the Gods, Squirm and Mako: The Jaws of Death when he should have been out doing something useful. At 36, little has changed.

1. Big Elvis (Free)

Pete Valle is a 400-pound hunka hunka of burnin' love whose king-sized ode to The King eclipses all others.

2. The Rat Pack is Back ($57)

A revolving stable of Franks, Deans and Sammys lam it from heaven for "one last show" (twice nightly). Yet it's Marilyn's "Happy Birthday" that raises the dead.

3. Liberace Museum ($15)

Never underestimate a man in hotpants. Particularly, if said ensemble is bedazzled by red, white and blue sequins.

4. Pinball Hall of Fame (25-to-50 cents per game)

This jing-jangling collection of classics is ready for action and, unlike modern one-armed bandits, they still take quarters.

5. World's Greatest Magic Show ($25)

Why pony up for one cheeseball hack when you can see a half dozen? At $10 a belt, though, the cocktail waitresses have the best disappearing act.

6. Fountains of Bellagio (Free)

The Strip's answer to Old Faithful fires a multitude of thunderous geysers skyward in a spectacle not seen since the excess of 18th-century Versailles.

7. Atomic Testing Museum ($12)

A blinding flash and an air cannon square in the kisser passes for subtle in Vegas -- and also recalls the bygone era of "duck and cover."

8. Madame Tussauds ($24)

Stern "Do Not Touch" admonitions have been replaced by visitors being encouraged to don bunny ears and hop into bed alongside a silk-PJ'd likeness of Hugh Hefner.

9. Fremont Street Experience (Free)

Neon cowpokes seem quaint in the blaze of this five-block-long videodrome sure to crane the neck of every slackjaw ambling 90 feet below.

10. Sirens of TI (Free)

Think The Pussycat Dolls Meet The WWE -- only with more fireballs and loose lipsyncing that literally sinks a ship.

download mp3 - 24 mins

The guys check in from the floor of Dallas Comic Con, which featured Saw siren Shawnee Smith and 30 Days of Night creator Steve Niles. Loyd reveals two new TFW guest additions from a certain Steven King classic -- available from our friends at Anchor Bay Entertainment! Noel shares much-too-much about his early-90s rental history. Plus, more movie recommendations and, yes, even a comic too.

SHOW LINKS

- Intro: Saw in 30 seconds with bunnies
- Hardbodies
- Celebrity Party passes
- Zombiewalk
- Movies: The Orphanage, AVP2: Requiem, Sweeney Todd, Swamp of the Ravens
- Jonah Hex 26
- Outro: Children of the Corn

download mp3 - 1 hr 15 mins

In this Director's Cut episode, Loyd and Noel try not to completely spaz during a 45-minute confab with KNB FX legend Greg Nicotero! Thankfully, Greg was too busy geeking out himself over The Mist, which descends on theaters Nov. 21. (Snag advance screening passes at Wizard World Texas this weekend -- Booth 328!) Noel returned from opening night of the After Dark Horrorfest with an interview (to die for) featuring B-sensation Tiffany Shepis. Plus, drum roll please, Loyd announces the return of "Texas Frightmare Weekend presented by Anchor Bay Entertainment!"

SHOW LINKS
- Intro: Stephen King's admonition
- Frightmare Army
- Zombiefriends.com
- Zombie Walk
- Dead Pit Radio
- Ms. Shepis: Nightmare Man [pic], Dark Reel, Bonnie and Clyde vs. Dracula [pic]
- Recs: Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash, Wicker Man, Cemetery Man, Chopping Mall

download mp3 - 15 mins

The guys ring up Frightmare minions with the first word on Dario Argento's visit to Texas!

download mp3 - 48 mins

After a FOUR MONTH (!?!) hiatus -- yeah, they missed you too -- the guys return to bask in TFW '07 afterglow and delve into the deets of February's even BIGGER show. Well, what they can say, anyway.

Loyd unveils an unveiling plan: midnight guest announcements every other weekend leading up to Oct. 31's major announcement. Swearing he never "fast-forwards to the good parts," Noel sheepishly quizzes Halloween's Kristina Klebe about what it was like getting throttled by Mikey Meyers in her birthday suit.

Plus, some sweet recommendations for your Netflix queue.

SHOW NOTES
- Intro: Rob Zombie's Halloween
- Creepy Uncle J's May doll
- Hilton DFW Lakes Executive Conference Center
- Celebrity Party Pass
- Kristina Klebe's MySpace
- Evilenko (Andrei Chikatilo)
- Movies: Cemetery of Terror, Trick or Treat and Black Sheep
- Trick R Treat trailer
- Comics: New Line Cinema's Tales of Horror and Night of the Living Dead: Hunger