How did I, Cliff Blezinski, become CliffyB? Kitchen-squats. And when Cliffy B didn't bed a dozen women a night, what'd he do? Juiced pheromones out of dominant apes and slurped them like a friggin Diet Soda.

Cliffy B takes action. So when folks get upset about New Games Journalism, the Cliffster fixes it. He fixes it because he cares. He fixes it and runs twenty miles to tame his gluts and then he fixes it again.

Here's the Cliffster's badass plan.

The Cliffster's Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo in Ten Really Friggin Easy Steps:

10.) The Friggin Secret: No secret that if you want something like say a thoughtful feature or sweet exclusive you just have to envision it as a reality. When I decided to become a super-duper-megastar I painted a mural on my living room wall of myself standing atop a mountain top made of platinum ice. I had a goblet in one hand, a babe in the other, and, across my chest, a necklace of elf ears. Since then, I've secured two out of those three items. I'm sure you minions can guess which two.*

9.) Perk Up or Shut Up: Demand your boss pay you appropriately. Studies run by the Cliff Institute of Kickassology show that journos work harder when they get a fair deal. Don't have a boss? Fine, The Cliff's your Boss now. For every blog post you'll get a gold lancer. For every blog post about Dude Huge you'll get a Lambo.

8.) Read Thy Neighbor: Plenty of great games writers both big and small. Read them. Support them. The favor shall be returned. So Cliffy has said. So it shall be.

7.) Save the Trash Talk for Horde Mode: No need to pick on your fellow bros, Broseph. Let the journos be journos, and journo all day about journo stuff. If you think they care too much about Mega Man 9's retro revival, or that shooting zombies in RE5 can be seriously whack, that's fine. Dag yo, they might completely misunderstand GoW 2's Garden State-esque narrative. But that's their own shit-factory to work through.

Still want to fight 'em? Cool, but let me recommend you two punk it out in some "horde to the gorde" multiplayer (preferably in a game that has guns equipped with chainsaws! Vrrrm-mm-m, amirite?!).

6.) Don't Prognosticate Too Fast and Make a Gooey Mess: We all know a game generally gets like four months of hype and then the bash fest starts, but don't hate because you want to be the first to backlash, srsly. It may be hard for you little minions to believe, but The Cliffster has plenty of experience with this problem. Sometimes people—angry people that deserve a Cliffy chop—tell me, "Cliffy, everybody else may think your games are cool, but I don't like your games because they're stupid."

That's dumb. My games are sweet. Everyone likes them. And even if my games weren't perfect (they are), only lameos hate something just because other peeps like it. If you got to hate the Cliffy, then give thoughtful and insightful reasons why you personally hate the Cliffy. Capiche?

Cliffy dishes out the the top 5 friggin killer tips to save New Games Journalism after the jump…

5.) Express Yourself: So, hot shot, you've sat down to bash out a killer review that's going to make you the next friggin Junot Diaz, but you're shooting mad blanks because this game you've got to critique is not as easy-peasy to thoughtfully criticize as, say, Dude Huge's latest friggin masterpiece. Don't cut corners by simply jotting down the bullet points on the back of the box.  Think your review through to the max. Then think it through again. Figure out why and how this game impacted you or why and how it left you wanting more.

Here's a personal example: In Gears 2, when you have that daydream about Maria, that's impactful shit. It definitely takes the drama over the top, and makes Gears 2 bigger, badder, and more tear jerkier than Gears 1. Like You Got Mail did for Sleepless in Seattle.

In your review, you want to mention a moment like that flashback or any other moment that moved you positively or negatively. Say something like, "My favorite thing used to be a hot roast beef sandwich immediately following coitus, but now it's totally the Maria side story in the Gears  campaign. Maria and Dom have a bond so strong diamonds can't cut it. Not even diamonds with lasers and shit. I love it because…" OK, that's rough, but you get the point. If something effects you, speak the frack up.

Also, if the game's stale and bland and dumb that doesn't mean you need to be stale and bland and dumb. Nor does it mean you should be needlessly cruel. Use a negative review to show some kindhearted wit and personality. It works for Ebert, and look at him. Dude doesn't travel by Lambos; dude friggin takes honeys to six star dinners by jet pack.

4.) Treat Words Like Lovers, Be Picky: If you don't choose your words carefully you will piss off readers and they will leave unproductive comments like "U R MR GAY."  Even if you are Mr. Gay, which is totally fine, you want a discussion in the comments, not aggressive statements.

For example, say a journo writes, "I think CliffyB's friggin neat and he does neat stuff." In reality, the journo knows I'm fan-friggin-tastic, I have perfect hair, and I make for a solid best friend. Now, don't be verbose, but try to express yourself entirely and concisely with charm and wit. And if you're lucky, your readers will want to be your friggin best friend too.

3.) Stand Up to The Dude: When it comes to reviews, nobody gives a score, but you. Not an ad firm, not the fans. You. (And sometimes me. I like to grade myself. In the mirror.) Express how you personally feel, not how you think you should feel. Don't let hype, previews and other journos' opinions effect your score.  It's all you, dude. Er, Dude You!

2.) Try Out My Kick Ass Moccasins: Man, it takes so long to make a game. It's srsly tuff and ruff work. And not everyone who makes a game gets Lambos—sad, but true. Heck, some don't even get honeys. So when you review, consider all the blood and sweat and other manly and girly stuff these dudes and dudetttes put into the product. Give the game a fair shake. You know, like the doctor does in a sports physical. Kidding. What can I say, I'm in it for the LOLs.

1.) Ignore The Dude Huge: What do I know? Listen up Brosephs and Brosephines, just because people make Cliffy-shrines and Cliffy-statues don't make me a friggin God. Not yet.

You want to write a good review, write what feels right for you. Not for anyone else. Not even for the Dude. If you write well and with passion and with care and with skill, the fans will come.

And I would know, dude, because that's how I make my games.

Cliffster out.

• For the uninitiated, I have the goblet and elf ears.

That reminds me of how much I hate babies. Why does everyone want to save them? There are too many babies. I'm not saying we should kill them, but if you happen to be giving your baby a bath and the phone rings.. well, nobody will judge you. Besides, you might get free brownies out of it at the funeral, and brownies rule.

24 Ways To Get A Girl

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'f*** you', and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

23. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

24. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!

Maddox Quotes

When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common, and that we could never be friends or have any meaningful kind of relationship. They come in every color imaginable yet look bad with every other article of clothing ever created. The only thing that goes with Crocs is social ostracism.

Noun: Bitch (bich):

A miserable person who sucks all joy and happiness out of life, and makes life a little less worth living by her consistently shitty attitude. When not complaining, her drama and gossip will fill the void. He or she (but usually she) refuses to do something with a group, and will forego hanging out with said group unless they're doing something she wants to do. She will put her interest ahead of others every single time, just for the sake of being a bitch. A bitch hates fun.

"Hey guys, sorry we can't check out that cool new Brazilian restaurant, Janet is being a bitch."

.. -->

1. An obnoxious bitch people can't stand to be around. Normally, using the word I'm defining in the definition of said word wouldn't make sense, but I've read this sentence four times now, and I'll be damned if it's not crystal clear to me.

-->

2. A status you assume when you take one in the pooper while incarcerated.
3. What you become when you fail at pool, bowling, Quake, english, math, Street Fighter Alpha, etc.
4. Having a thankless job where you work lots of overtime without pay while your boss is on vacation.
5. Having to sit in the middle seat between two people in a car or plane.
6. Being last in line to get cake or ice cream at a party.
7. Crying and throwing a tantrum about something nobody gives a shit about, including you.
   

   "I'm not going to give you $6 for my share of an $11 pizza when all I owe you is $5.50. I shouldn't have to pay extra, waaaaaah!"

Having a high opinion of your looks and a sense of entitlement when people compliment you. Your ego is usually punctuated with a "hottie" shirt, which makes you slightly less tolerable to be around than children, and slightly more tolerable to be around than a saucer of goat cum. 

Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 17:12:28 -0700
From: Janine L. <>
To: maddox@xmission.com
Subject: Lonely Bitter Man

Hmm, after reading your articles about classifying nerds. I guess you fit
into one of those categories. Hmm, shall I say the lonely, bitter one
that sits at home all day and sulks about how much his life sucks?

Oh, and pretty sad that you go and diss little kids pictures. I guess
your parents didn't beat you enough when you were a kid cause you sure
didn't turn out fine.

---

I decided to do something different with this hate mail, something that would give all the people I've offended some insight into why I'm such a dick sometimes, so I replied with this:

Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2003 01:58:05 -0600 (MDT)
From: maddox <maddox@xmission.com>
To: Janine L. <>
Subject: Re: Lonely Bitter Man

I was abused as a child and the way I cope is by expressing myself
through my writing. Please be more understanding :(

The response I got was:

Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 16:50:33 -0700
From: Janine L. <>
To: maddox@xmission.com
Subject: Re: Lonely Bitter Man

I'm sorry to hear about that maddox. I agree that writing helps express
anger, but I don't think you should go and take it out on other people, more
over encourage other people to abuse their kids. Your writing is funny and
all, but I didn't expect that the issues you write about is personal. Sorry
to hear about it. Anyways, this is just personal opinion. Take care.

To which I replied:

Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 22:36:32 -0600 (MDT)
From: maddox <maddox@xmission.com>
To: Janine L. <>
Subject: Re: Lonely Bitter Man

Just kidding. Tool.

: Online gaming is serious business:

So, you finally got your game hooked up and are ready to play. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that online gaming is about having fun. You are very wrong and you will learn this in due time. Because we gamers are too physically weak to pick random fights in bars, we must assert our alpha male dominance another way -- by twiddling our fingers around on buttons until virtual representations of people we don't know simulate death.

This is your life now, and you are connected, physically and emotionally, to your in-game avatar. When they frag you, do you not bleed? Well, no you don't but that's not the point. You will mourn him for every second of that respawn countdown. His digital death just killed a little piece of you, and you will avenge with the fury of a thousand angry Gods.

In team games, if you are losing, remember to berate your teammates and tell them how much they suck. You won't be making a fool out of yourself for ordering them around and reminding them that your side is losing and nobody's helping you win. Also, you must use words like "alpha," all the time, just like you're a real army man!

2: Noobs are scum:

People who are new to a particular game are terrible vermin who you should not fraternise with. These subhumans are known as noobs and they are the pariahs of online gaming. You, however, were never a noob. You were playing games online before the Internet was even invented. In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64.

Make sure to check out the stats of anybody in a game with you. If they have not been playing for long, then you must hurl insults at them because they are lesser human beings. Laugh cruelly if noobs are your opponents, and grimace loudly if they are on your team.

Also, the term noob has such power that if you dislike someone's actions in a game, you can say it to them as well. Obviously, displeasing you is deadly enough to make them forget all their prior gaming experience and they actually revert back into children.

3: If a feature in a game is popular/effective, it is cheap:

Be it the chainsaw in Gears of War, or snipers in any FPS ever made, there are a number of cool features and tactics in games that people not only find enjoyable to use, but are often highly effective methods of securing victory -- never use them. If you do so, you are cheap and will become a noob. You are a hardcore gamer now, which means you only use shotguns or anything else that's really boring. You hate all that is popular, and if you see anybody utilising the best/more useful features of a game, you are to get rid of them immediately.

If these pukes were good at the game like you, they wouldn't need to rely on such cheap tactics, would they? They'd be like you, running around with the shotgun, not having fun and despising everything everyone else is doing. The fact that they have killed you so many times is proof of how bad they are at playing.

4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap:

Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap.

5: If you are losing, it is because of lag:

Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills.

Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good.

6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking:

Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking.

People who appear to be doing a lot of killing and not much of being killed are hackers, plain and simple. There is no way they're that good without cheating. Re-assure your team (after calling them worthless) that the enemy is clearly powered by nefarious undertakings and you are being penalized for your wholesome and pure ways. Then remember to say alpha.

7: Everyone is gay:

Before the Internet was invented, gay people were those in society who were attracted physically and emotionally to members of the same gender. Since the Internet, everyone and everything is gay. From the gun they use to kill you, to the voice they use to communicate with you, it is all gay, gay, gay. Lag is gay, snipers are gay, noobs are gay, people from other countries are gay, the countries they come from are gay, the ocean the country is surrounded by is gay, the fish in the ocean are gay, all sealife is gay, life is gay, gays are gay, gay gay gay. Gay.

Using the same one-syllable word to describe everything you don't like might not be an indicator of a varied vocabulary, but who cares? Words are gay.

8: Singing is awesome:

Communicating via a headset is great because it lets gamers sing, and that is one of the only reasons we buy headsets. In fact, some people are known to log into servers just to hear poor quality, nasal renditions of the latest "phat tracks." One of the most original and beloved songs to sing is anything done by Rick Astley.

Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag.

If you lack the raw sexual magnetisim and confidence that is required to sing during a game, you can always hold the microphone up to some speakers and play your favorite tunes for everybody. Your fellow gamers really care what your musical interests are and will applaud your tasteful selection of tracks.

9: Calling people naggers is both original and hilarious:

Racism online is bad, which is a shame because deep down everybody knows it's actually awesome. There is, however, a really witty workaround that allows you to say racist words while not actually saying them. Remember that episode of South Park where Randy believed that the missing letter in "n - ggers" was an I? Then he said the full word and everyone was shocked because it was actually naggers and not that word? Well, here's a pro tip -- nobody has EVER thought of calling people naggers online. You are going to be so edgy if you capitalize on this opportunity.

Do it all the time and your popularity will skyrocket.

10: Team members who score are kill stealers:

Kill stealing is one of the most abhorrent and despicable crimes ever committed, and is even listed in some modern Bibles as the eighth deadly sin. Every opponent is a victim waiting to die by your hand alone, and if anybody dares shoot them before you, they are a kill stealer. Only you may have the glory of the kill, and woe betide anybody caught shooting at the same target as you. If they get the win, they clearly stole your kill.

Even if you and a team member are on opposite sides of the game map, they kill stole. Obviously they did. Probably thanks to a hack.

Just remember, of course, that you are not a kill stealer. You are merely an opportunist. Besides which, since all the enemies are your personal fodder anyway, you're taking nothing away from the meat puppets who are only there to be noobs and bring down your score by sucking.

These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress.