ex who has an admitted penchant for messin with ppl i feel it unhealthily important to inform him that i think its good sign for him (n me2 cuz maybe hes movin on in his head 2) he can "still smell her perfume" its sweet n thats good but i shudnt said it

woops: so when a person with a certain mind posts their status as something about being extra satisfied or feeling or smellin a certain someone then my mind says: aww they r feelin new gratification congrats n good for u.



when that sum1 is my ex...

  There's been a lot on my mind lately.  I'm trying to do the right thing for my son and I, but what IS the right thing?  I used to think you just *knew* the right thing, but I'm not so sure about that anymore. 

You think you know someone, for days, weeks, years even, and somewhere along the line...they change...or reveal some new component of themselves to you, and then you're out a person in your life. (friend, family, lover whatever)  They may still be there, but the person you KNEW the person you cared for and desired to be around just kind of drowns into this newly revealed individual. 

Not sure I make any sense.  Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel like I can take on the world without a soul.  Most of the time I know I just need to relax, and have fun.  Now only if I didn't have so many thoughts and so few outlets for them......Who the hell do you trust to open yourself up to about shit....

Oh yeah, nobody.

I dunno, I just feel really bleck this evening.  There's good stuff out there, for sure.  But the past weekend before john went home, and the way he treated and touched and talked to me just....left me feeling, wrong, and dirty. 

And I just wish I could talk to someone about it, but I'm not sure I can. 

A consequence for everything.

so often other people write it better than i can say or think it

dilate

life used to be life-like
now it's more like show biz
i wake up in the night
and i don't know where the bathroom is
and i don't know what town i'm in
or what sky i am under
and i wake up in the darkness and i 
don't have the will anymore to wonder
everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and you're mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time

when i need to wipe my face
i use the back of my hand
and i like to take up space
just because i can
and i use my dress
to wipe up my drink
i care less and less
what people think
and you are so lame 
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate

so i'll walk the plank and i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender 
you won't hear me confess 
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less
and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me
and every key works differently
i forget every time
and the forgetting defines me 
that's what defines me

when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation 
is i am in love with you 
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
my hands grope for the light
my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better 
off alone

Ani Difranco....

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl

So here it is, birthday time again.  Tomorrow. 22.  who the fuck cares.
I think I recall maybe 3 actually enjoyable birthdays since turning 10.  Horrible depression sets in.

Broke, there is nothing to do.   Nobody to do things with as I can't expect people to buy me everything.  I just want one birthday where I'm surrounded by my friends and boyfriend and just having a good freakin time.  I wish that weren't so hard to accomplish.



Eh....pull yourself together Cristy...

So here it is, birthday time again.  Tomorrow. 22.  who the fuck cares.
I think I recall maybe 3 actually enjoyable birthdays since turning 10.  Horrible depression sets in.

Broke, there is nothing to do.   Nobody to do things with as I can't expect people to buy me everything.  I just want one birthday where I'm surrounded by my friends and boyfriend and just having a good freakin time.  I wish that weren't so hard to accomplish.



Eh....pull yourself together Cristy...

I need to write this.  I want to write this.

It's very hard to say, and I'm not sure why....

I need your prayers...your positive thoughts,suggestions.

I'm happy with the set-up of my life, but not what I am doing with it.  Seems simple enough...so just do the things you want to see yourself doing wth it, right?  Right.

I'm not real sure what's holding me back inside of myself, so I'm not sure what my actions to take are, or what direct help I can seek.  So I ask for your supportive thoughts...prayers...whatever it may be. 

I feel scattered inside.  My brain seems to just stop and then wildly jerk to a start often these days.  I say and do things with absolutely NO pretense of doing so, or any knowledge of how or why it happened.  I feel that I have lost myself.  I ceased to assert ME loudly quite a while ago, but it seems even more-so after being with Isaiah's dad.  I feel like I gave up so much of myself to it....I lost Cristy in those two years.  Lost the "ability" (in a sense) to communicate with and make and keep friendships....carry on social conversations or even be in social situations (after all....for 2 years...i wasn't exactly in many at all).  Working has proved itself nearly impossible as my mindset on that warped.  I feel the need to fix myself....but I just don't know what the hell to doanymore. 

So I ask...pray for me....please....I need power and strength...guidance...clarity....love...and some peace for myself.  I don't want to hurt the ones that care about me, or be an angry person. 

I know I can be happy....I just have to find the way to unlocking my door.

I've said it in so many ways so many times over time, and I'll say it again.  John is such an amazing person.  The love and caring for that he has for people, and the patience he has had with me at times. 

I find myself pulling back at moments, not from him, but from the passion and the love.  I don't feel like I love him any less than he loves me, but I feel like he shows it in such firmer wonderful, loving ways.  And I haven't grown comfortable 100% with "deserving" that, and accepting, embracing and enjoying it.  It tears me apart, and I've got to stop it so it doesn't hurt us.  I think anyone would kill for what we have, and so would I. 

I find it comes down to one word.  Intimacy. I remember hearing this word be such a big deal in relationships on tv.  I remember thinking of it as sex, being comfortable, and being able to really open up.  It's just now I'm beginning to understand true intimacy, and what it takes.  I know I'll get there no problem.  I love John, we're together and will be, so there's only time for us to improve.  But yeah....it's allowing that person to comfort and calm you *all* the time, being joyful and accepting of their love, and joyful and sharing of your love for them.  It's letting down ALL guards (even the new ones you find every day) so you can really be you, and know that's ok.

Ahhhh....all this because I can't just stay still, and be content right now, because I worry too much about other things, that I KNOW will be fine. 

I just want to be lying in his arms, content with that and fall asleep.  I don't want my mind which I do not understand to complicate that with outer issues. 

So on that note, just a little public prayer....share it with me, please.

Dear Lord....allow me to be open to all that you have to offer in this life.  Open to all of the love and help you send me through those around me.  Show me the way to open up myself through YOU!  May I always be gracious and righteous in the eyes of my God.  And may you guide me in my relationships, so that they me be lived in YOUR love.
amen.

here's the rules:

The first player of this game starts with the "6 weird things/habits about yourself". People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird habits/things, as well as state these rules clearly. At the end you need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You are tagged" in their comments section and tell them to read yours. Also, you can't tag the person who tagged you.

 

here goes:

1.  I actually can rarely stand being softly touch...I don't know, it makes my skin crawl!

2. I love cute scheme decorating.

3. That this is so hard, becuase others would come up with a million things, but to me it's all normal!?!

4. I have no problem dropping $80 on my son for clothes when he DOESN'T need it, but even if I need something I feel guilty about it.

5. When I feel negatively at myself, I kind of tend to get mad at those that are kind and loving to me, as I don't feel I deserve it.

6. Ice cream tastes better out of the container?  Iunno!

ok...now that we know how odd I am  here are the people I tag:

1. John

2. Mom

3. Mindi

4. Joe

5. Ando

6. Michael