25. Chuck Norris spends hours staring directly into the sun. We call that “night.”
24. Chuck Norris wears bear traps on his feet instead of sandals.
23. Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.
22. Chuck Norris’ tears cured cancer. Too bad he never cried.
21. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
You are going to want to keep going. I promise, it gets better.
20. When Chuck Norris falls into water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
19. Once, Chuck Norris went to the Super Bowl. He beat the Steelers, 45-3.
18. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that actually is “his” way.
17. Chuck Norris never wears a motorcycle helmet. The concrete always scoots out of the way.
16. Chuck Norris came to my BBQ last summer, ate all the red-hot
charcoal out of the grill and then proceeded to fart out large diamonds
for the ladies in the awestruck crowd.
15. Chuck Norris played a game of Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun and won.
14. The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force
meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched
himself in the face.
13. When an episode of “Walker Texas Ranger” was aired in France,
the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
12. When Chuck Norris’ remote control batteries die, the remote continues to function out of pure terror.
11. For every answer on the SAT test, write in “Chuck Norris.” You will automatically score a 1,600.
10. The Titanic sank when it struck Chuck Norris doing laps in the
North Atlantic. Chuck Norris would have stopped to save the survivors,
but he didn’t notice the impact.
9. Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all-time. He won the
1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of
jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green No.4 Uno
card.
8. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
7. Chuck Norris loves Police Academy 2. This is the only reason Steve Guttenberg is still alive.
6. Upon the explosion of the Exxon-Valdez oil tanker in 1989,
President Bush asked Chuck Norris to assist in the cleanup. Chuck
Norris drank the oil, then he took an Eskimo as his bride. This is
where Yeti come from.
5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the J.F.K. assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. J.F.K.’s head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
3. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took
his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
2. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
1. There is no Santa Claus. On Christmas Eve, Chuck Norris
circumnavigates the globe in his pickup truck dispensing gifts to good
children and roundhouse kicks to bad ones. The children, upon receiving
these kicks, die.