I am so stoled for next saturday. I finally get to see mike doughty... Ooh yes

Morning light seeps into the room stealing away the darkness and changing the evanescent silhouettes into illuminated shapes. The dark lit shadowy figure no longer inhabits the room but instead a stoic statue lay beside me. Your features now chiseled and defined. The rays of sun that trickle through the window illuminate the colors and lines of your body. Your arm is draped across my chest and your hair flows down your back like a waterfall.

The mere sight of you sleeping draws my very breath away....

one word...

quality

It's been a while since I have actually sat down and wrote anything here. Makes me feel kind of bad, but what can you do when nothing really comes to you? Thankfully however that has changed, maybe for the worse or maybe for the best? I am hoping for the best.
For the last few months a lot has been going on in my life. A lot of which I will not care to share here, but for those that know about me, they know whats been going on.

This particular post has more of a generality to it...

As of late I have been feeling like the cosmos itself has been working against me. It seems to be trying hard to mess with everything that I hold dear. Whether it's the people I love or the person I am. There seems to be a nagging a pulling a tearing at the very existence of things that I love. This, I must say I am not a huge fan of. Everybody goes through their periods of depression, their moments of what did I do to deserve this? And for me as of late it seems that I am going towards more of that negative perspective.

Believe you me, that place is not anywhere I care to be. I would much rather be upbeat, positive and go with the flow on things. But that apparently does not quite go so well sometimes. There is a point in every ones life where that just does not cut it anymore. A point in which you must stop and take an honest and earnest look around at your life. Whether it is the people in it, or what you are doing with it.

I would like to believe with age comes wisdom. But that isn't always apparent with people you see. I however strive to learn from the mistakes of not only myself in my own life but in those close to me. And I must honestly say, I havent been doing that. Which to me is a big eye opener.

I have always yearned and worked towards being the better person. The guy that picks himself up, dusts off his boots and tries again at whatever it is that Is giving me problems. But that seems to be harder and harder with each try. I know life isn't easy, honestly I dont think its meant to be. But my goodness, I just want to catch my breath again. To feel like I am going somewhere and doing something with my life. And for a while now, that isnt how I have been feeling.

This to me is a point in where I need to step back and figure things out. I havent moved forward in my life for a year now. I have been at a steady rate of either decline or melancholy both of which are not satisfactory to me. I need to have goals and push towards them. I am very much goal oriented. This has always been how I am. And for  what seems like a lifetime I have not done that. Granted, it hasnt been that long but even still...

There is much I want out of life. Not only for myself, but for my family and the people I love. I feel like I was meant for more than this. Maybe everyone feels that way, but for some reason I have always felt like this. I have always worked towards things I wanted and for a while now my focus hasn't been there. I have no reason, no excuses and really no explanation for that. Which troubles me even further...

So how does one get back on track? Is it some sort of revelation, some eye opener out of the blue that just comes up and takes a bite out of you. The chunk missing leaving you wondering just what the hell is going on? Or is it a gradual thing, is it something that people point out? Maybe your friends, your family? I don't really know what really brought on this trigger. But what I do know is that for a while I haven't felt myself, I havent felt whole. I do not like this feeling...

I am very happy with the person I am. I like everyone make mistakes, but as a general rule of thumb I learn from them. I make them, take the lessons from them and apply them to my life. Then I move on with the knowledge I have gained from them. Whether its work or personal related. For some reason however in those categories I have not.

I feel like I am under constant pressure to be the person I know I can be. But I am finding it harder and harder to find that path. I am finding it harder to find that footing. Life to me is what you make of it. You can have a bad one or you can have a great one. In the past few months I have felt a wide range of emotions, a lot of regret and even more so a lot of I should haves...

As some of you know I recently lost my grandfather. He was a wonderful man. He taught me many great things about life and how a person should be. I feel like I took his being around for granted. I feel like I should have been there more, should have made more of an effort to see him. His funeral really shook me. What went on through my mind is the gathering of people. Family, friends and people from all walks of life that he knew and whos lives he has touched.

I feel the pressure to wonder, how would my funeral be? Would there be a turn out of the masses of people whose lives I touched. I would certainly like to think so. Would there be people there that would say great and wonderful things about the life I lived. I would hope so, but then I take a step back and really analyze the things that have gone on in my life, the decisions I have made, the paths I have chosen. And it really makes me wonder.

I make mistakes, I mess up, I miss the mark and sometimes I just plain make bad decisions. I am human. I give that to everyone. But in the end, in the very end I would like people that know me, that know who I really am and what I have yearned to be to take into account the good I have done. Whether its a shoulder to cry one, a bit of advice, a heart felt laugh or just who I am in general.

I know I am a good person. I am a good person that makes mistakes and loses his way. But never out of bad intentions or spite or anything malicious, just me finding my own way.

I guess this is just a way of me rambling and thinking or analyzing my life to date. I am 25 and with each year a step further into the grave. Yes, I know I still have a full life to lead but you never know what could come around the bend. I want to know that I took advantage of what life has to offer, of what I took from life and what I more importantly gave back to it. Whether its through my own life and actions or those that I have touched.

I think maybe.... It is time to find a direction and to chose a path in which I will be happy and fulfilled. The problem is how do I start, where do I go to find that critical stepping stone or tipping point to make that happen. This is where I have the most problems. I know what I want I just dont know how to get there. I would like to seek comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this struggle. But sometimes and more as of late I feel like I am...

So I leave you all with the following thoughts. What have you done in your life? If there are things that needed to be changed, have you done them? Have you found those important tipping points? And if so, where? Please shed some light on it for me. A fellow lost passenger...

I've been a fan of Kid Cudi for a long time now.. this is now one of my favorite tracks..

Im not going to lie..really digging this track..

so want to see them again...

I have always found it interesting how things can change with a blink of an eye. How the world around you, the job you do and the people around you sometimes always stay the same. It can be monotonous and tiring doing your same routine, wake up, go to work maybe hang out with your group of friend and then rinse and repeat.

Sometimes new people come into your life or events happen to shake your world a little bit to remind you of what and who is important in your life. It is my belief that we are who we are because of the events in our lives and the people in them. Who you chose to keep in your life is generally a direct reflection on who you are as a person.

I obviously am not counting the "douche bag" or the other such type of friends that have found their way into your inner circle. But rather those people that you would do absolutely anything for and they would do the same for you.

If you have those people in your life, you should consider yourself lucky. For it is not often that you find such rare and amazing people. I know that I am blessed with quite a few of those people in my life. So thank you to those people...You keep my grounded, you keep me going and you keep me happy. Thank you for the countless times you have been there when I have needed you, thank you for making my smile, lending an ear or taking me in when I needed it.

As many of you know this weekend was my birthday weekend and thus dubbed Brandonpalooza...  Here is a recap..

Festivities started off on Friday afternoon, yeah... a little early...but I got laid off so what better reason to plow through a 30 rack and do 14 shots before hitting the bar? Thats what I thought..Headed down to RJ's and was greeted with more shots and more beer...sweeet... Thanks to everyone that bought me drinks / shots btw...you guys rule.. Despite my previous job related misfortunes I had a great time...

Next day kicked off with me scrubbing Mauras artwork off my back.. thanks hun.. great.. lol And then a whole lot more alcohol...had a great time. Sunday started off with games of drunk driver..and shots..lots of beruit and then me doing some its tricky at the brick..After the brick i had trouble negotiating Rhondas stairs but with the use of all appendages I slowly and surely made it up.. Needless to say...I was a sight to behold..

T-Shirts are going to get made.
"I survived Brandonpalooza"

and of course

"I didnt survive Brandonpalooza"

do you still feed the animal
animal finger
finger on the phone
curve around corners
do you still feed the animal
your muffled voices
up this ideal head
and the wires come in
open us
close us
( slide beneath the city )
slide beneath the city
and the feet in the streets above us
( and your voice again )
and your voice again
( and your voice again )
( and your voice again )
I don't want you to call again
do you still feed the animal
muffled madness
quiet calm pervade her
I couldn't go through this again
you said you love her
you know you love her
you never want to be without her
you said you never want hurt her
you know you hurt her
I
how many lives you lives
how many hurt you done
how many times you come to this place
how much you want it
you said you love her



love this song..