Okay i am so done with rolla and its fucking lieing ass mother fuckers. All i am wanting is to have a good time, but it seems like i cant even do that. I am being talked about left and right and i dont even know who my friends are anymore... it seems like everyone is against me. I dont know if its a complex i have created for myself or if its true. I am apparently the bad guy now..... the bad ass, the drug addict, the drunk.... i dont even know what to beleive anymore.... why would people talk about me when i try to keep to myself and my buisness. I thought i had a best friend, but it seems like that is a fucking lie too.... I had a good friend, but he lives in another state and i probably wont see him for a long time.... I have 18 days left here in this hell hole and im counting down the days... im just waiting for the day i leave... Im going to try my hardest to survive my next life test and stay the fuck out of this place called Rolla.....

if i cant, then i really dont know anymore....

Look upon yourself as you want others to look upon you. This saying as the saying goes, is nothing more then a fucking load of shit. Everyday when i look into the mirror i see something more then me. I can't explain exactly what it is, but its something that is more then human. Call it a spiritual thing or call me crazy, but you just can't comprehend the feeling of knowing that there is something more for you then you have at your plate. When i look in the mirror i can either see the most sexiest man alive or i can see someone who looks like they belong in Ugly People Monthly. If i can control my feelings like this, then maybe i wouldn't be such a mess.

I drink because it numbs the pain, i smoke because it expands my mind and makes me think outside the box, and i do what i do not only because i have the power to do so, but because i want to make my own mistakes. If you can't make your own mistakes and live your OWN life, then how can you grow up and protect your own when you get to that point in your life? You can't because you will be a hypocrite and only spit out flameballing lies.

Love is something that you create. Its not something you find, you have to work at it and nurture it. If you don't then it just wont work, ask anyone, we all make sacrifices for each other and sometimes you just can not do it anymore. If you can comprehend that, then you should realize that love is really something that you create. Having a "Soul Mate" does not only apply to a significant other. Your soul mate can be your best friend or your sister or brother. I hate how people are like, THEIR MY SOUL MATE!!!! Well guess what, maybe they are and maybe they arnt. Can you really look inside yourself and imagine life without them? I bet you can.... After awhile you can only PUT UP with SO MUCH SHIT before the only words you can even remotely udder to your partner is, IM DONE.

All im saying is you need to stop and really think about your life. I mean for me it feels like yesterday i was opening presents at my great grandparents house with all my family. Now im grown up and i realize just how shitty reality is. All i want to say is to just enjoy what you have right now no matter what other people tell you, but what im going to say is only enjoy what you have if it truley brings you happiness. If it always backfires in your face, then you should know what to do. Tell the problem to fuck off. Maybe its a relationship problem, maybe its a personal problem.

So heres the jist of this whole entry..... YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE... NO ONE ELSE.... USE IT.........

-matthew 'emo' ruffino