quick and sweet .. got new job at dennys as a cook.. better than cracker barrel.. been busy with a new group of friends.. trying to figure shit out as i go...


need to know more.. email me..

nothing really important to say right now.. i just have a few minutes to write a few things down ..

im not giving up .. and not you or you .. or even you can make me .. so fuck off .

work is going good.. got the hang of it down and its getting better.. plus a few of the managers are on vacation so its a nice break.. hahaha..

finding out that friends suck no matter what.. and when you think you found one you can really trust.. they stab you in the back.. ahh but thats the negative part.. the positive.. you find out they suck before they steal .. wait.. no that happened.. ahh.. oh yeah .. once they steal from you .. you get to kick their lieing ass out of your life.. only to have them text you from time to time.. go away.. suicide is an option .. lol.. but i made some cool new friends out of the deal ..


so gordy is going to still buy my car.. and i should have mine .. on or around the 24th of this month .. yeah .. !! sorry i cant make it down to nj .. maybe soon .. hopefully soon ..


other than that.. kittens are getting big.. cats are getting bigger..

untill next time..


told you i didnt really have much to say

well.. i havent written in a while.. maybe thats why i feel so frustrated and i feel like im going to burst.. maybe its my job.. or the personal life.. i dont know.. but if i dont release it.. ill keep it bottled up and we all know thats not good..

anyway .. im planning a trip to nj to see jeff for his birthday at the end of september.. however its a lot more to rent a car than i remembered.. and my car wont make it and there is no radio anymore anyway.. haha..

so justin is in iowa for a month or so .. for those of you who dont know.. justins my little gay buddy up here.. no .. no replacement for jeff.. just a friend..


anyway .. my job is awsome.. i love it at times and other times.. grrr.. its work .. haha.. i have been burned and have so many new scars but hey .. thats what happens when your a cook right .. hahaha.. from time to time i have to remember that .. the check coming in is pretty decent.. and just to relax..

ahh.. relax.. havent done that in a while but ya know.. with everything going on .. im just staying positive and focused on what i want.. read status message if you dont know..

i just wish that some of the people i work with werent such idiots.. and ya know.. even though my shifts usually run longer than usual, i get to go home at the end of the day and i dont have to deal with the idiots anymore.. i dont have to deal with the people who actually make my skin crawl .. and make me nausous and creep me out.. than when i do go home.. it makes me even more aware of why some people who i love with all that i am .. were so cranky and didnt want to deploy again.. i couldnt imangine .. going to.... well.. im not going to get into it..

im just going to say .. that .. work.. is work .. the summer is finally here.. although im sure it will be snowing soon .. haha.. and go have a little fun before work..



i know your reading this.. i love you .. how can you forgive your friends for all the backstabbing and bullshit they put you threw but you hate your wife so much.. the one who has been there for you time and time again .. who will always be here for you .. and on top of that.. loves you more than you know.. i know your hurting and so am i .. and when your ready.. ill be here.. i said in good times and bad.. in sickness and health till death do us part.. and .. i meant that.. take the time.. clear your head.. ill be here when your ready..

i love you

can i just say how happy i am right now..i mean .. i have a job i love and not to mention the amazing pay raise i have jumped over the last week .. haha screw you hannaford.. plus the increase in hours= more time to stay out of trouble, more money to buy the things i want.. ie. new living room set being delievered tommorrow..


on top of that im figuring out who my real friends are vs who are just there for the connection, the party or the drama, and to those people, well you will figure it out when the phone stops ringing.. hahaha..


so on to other news, im still looking to upgrade my car... im debating.. there is a 08 trailblazer that i fell in love with over at motors n moore, however they dont take trade ins, so i have to find some sucker like me to buy the mazda, but i cant take not having a radio much longer.. maybe ill put the car on craigs list and see what i can get for it, than use it as a down payment for something alot better..


this time is all about me, and upgrading my life, making me a better person, threw my belongins, my car, my job, my outlook on life, itself, and more important, upgrading my personality back to the positive person i was before this whole mess..



one day .. thats all im saying.. one day he will realize what we had, and wont be able to deny that we loved each other. one day he will ask for help, one day he will realize what unconditional love really means, and when he does .. ill be there waiting... but till than, im going to do me and make sure my shit is all in order...

since i wrote in here but lets see..

paul and i are apperantly going back to war mode.. we were doing so well with being friends.. well i thought anyway .. but what do i know anymore.. but one thing i have learned threw all of this, is im not going to let him bring me down anymore..

ive spent to many tears and to many nights wondering what could have been and what would have happened if...

damn that 2 letter small word with a big ass meaning..

anyway .. he can fight and kick and scream all he wants, i refuse to drop to his leval to be vindictive or in the position to use black mail anymore.. im above that and im definatly above you.

it doesnt matter how far you push me and how much you try and break me.. im the stronger one and one day you will realize that. im not contesting the divorce, im contesting the grounds .. and i hope everyone realizes that.

i deserve to be with someone who loves me for me, and someone who i can give my love to who will appriciate it, and not use me, stab me in the back, and hit me, or cheat on me.  ill give you the divorce baby, definatly.  but how dare you call me a drug addicted depressed psycho, when your doing breakfast of champions, and like to use your hands instead of your heart and head. fuck you.


anyway.. im out i have better shit to do than waste my time explaining shit to anyone anymore

dropped the order today, and yes i feel that it was the right decision.

other than that, im working more .. which is good, keeping me out of trouble. im at the uso right now, typing this..


in other news around the world.. raab is about to have babbies..
again..

oh ..s hit i have to run .. more later.. promise

thank you pink for your words.. damn they are really hitting home right now.. apperantly i have had 12 people view my blog today .. hmm... so in honor of pink.. i shall use her color for her words




"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

its amazing what we do to kill the pain


drugs, and one night stands, and talking shit behind each others back .. tit for tat and this for that.. when will we grow up and realize what we have


when we are both hurting so bad and taking it out on each other..


grow up .. and act like your 28.. and ill grow up .. one day .. one day.. it will all be ok ..

the life we had, the life we want.. when shit is said and done will be here..


come back to me.. where you belong.. i love you paul.. and i know you love me.. its in your eyes.. its in your words.. its in everything you do and everything you say ..

well today . is nessa and logans party .. we shall see what happens.. those who know.. know im excited scared nervous.. and hopeful.. anyway ..

its nice to come home after a night out.. and see your kittens all waiting for you .. its kinda cute.. and they wont leave me alone..


the house energy is alot better now.. i can actually beathe in here.. thank goodness..


me and bethany went to play pool tonite.. we tried to take pictures, but that didnt work out to well .. we both suck really bad, but .. as in true angel playing pool mode.. i blame the damn pool table for being lopsided.. hahaha..


anyway .. its 340 am .. i just got home and i need some rest.. big day ahead of me tommorrow..


love you all


and .. love you more

i miss holding your hand
and kissing you good night
going food shopping with you and telling you to get the salsa
i miss watching you with the kids
and with the kittens
i miss holding you
taking showers together.
i miss rubbing your back while you sleep
i miss the look in your eyes as you would teach me something.
the feel of your lips on mine
the smile you have, the glow about you
i miss you kicking me in your sleep.
the bed is so empty now.
i miss our plans for the future.
i miss the cute text messages, the funny emails and the conversations we would have that never made sense to anyone but us.
i miss the way you would look at me, like i was the only one who mattered and the only one in the room
i miss you for all that you are.
i miss your road rage, and plans to install rpgs in the truck.
i miss you calling me baby..
 
damn baby .. i miss you so much..c ome home to where you belong.. i love you and i ll never stop