Right before you die, your brain fires off its last sparks, makes its last connections to synapses, and just does a flurry of shit before stopping. And in that state, like a dream, time doesn't really have any rules, or really matter at all. Three seconds can be subdivided a million times into something that resembles eternity. In those few moments between consciousness and death, you could live a hundred full and detailed lives in this dream state. Complete with love, success, sadness, loss, and eventually death. Our "real world" time won't have any meaning there, and you will live "forever".

Also, in those few seconds, right before you die, as you're living 100 full and detailed lives, the life you'll be living, that your dying brain has created will probably get very boring. Your brain, programmed by 40, 50, 60 years of repetition and patterns will automatically run the cycle of wake, brush teeth, work, eat, brush teeth, and sleep. Over and over again. And probably like the life you're living now, death will become less scary and a little more fascinating. Then you will die again. And your death-dream life will spiral into the same pattern like a fractal with multiple lives and deaths occurring all at once, over and over.

See, your brain is more powerful than you even know. Your current life could very well be the final dying moments of another "parent" version of you. And when "you" die, it all starts over again. Forever.

So, be afraid of death because it could be the start of an eternity of...this.

I stopped writing blogs and I want to start it up again. Not because anyone read them, but looking back on my old ones, I kinda like having a record of random things.

So, to kick off a new round of blogs, this one will be about Africa, and the Emmys.

I leave for Africa tomorrow for 8 days to direct a video for one of those "adopt a child" programs. I wanted to do something different and interesting with it. Maybe make it more of a documentary and less "for a dollar a day, you too can support a loving child...". But it looks like the organization wants some more of the same. Or maybe not...maybe I'll make something a little different and they'll like it. As long as I see some lions, it will be cool.

And...

I'm nominated for an Emmy, along with Vatche and Christian. We made a handful of videos for the Sarah Silverman show last year. Then we weren't rehired to make them for the 3rd season. Then the videos got nominated for an Emmy. Funny. I discovered you don't actually get to bring a date to the awards, unless you pay $250 for a ticket, or join the Emmy Academy for $180 or something. Neither of those sound good to me, so I think I'm going stag. Who knows, we'll see.

I'll keep you updated on both.

/blog

I discovered I can post blogs straight from my iphone...so I'm using that as an excuse to start a blog that's only done from my iphone. Here it is. Keep your expectations low, everyone.

http://pluimer.blogspot.com

Now, because of my descriptive title, if you don't want to read this blog, you don't have to.

I went to Boston with my girlfriend for a little vacation. She wanted to see her parents and show me her hometown. It's a cool city...small with a lot of history. We walked around, saw old cemeteries, stayed at an old hotel, and ate at an old restaurant. All the fun happened at the restaurant.

My girlfriend really liked this restaurant, and we went there with her Mom and Dad. It's an old place, apparently one that the Kennedy's would always eat at. There's a little stool where little JFK used to sit, and the little maitre d' almost didn't let me in because I was wearing expensive jeans instead of expensive slacks.

Dinner was good. I ate a $12 salad, a $19 bowl of soup, and a $40 piece of meat. Then I had to piss. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. There was a men's room with just one toilet, and one door that went back in to the bar.

I pissed, washed my hands and tried to turn the handle on the door. It wouldn't budge. An asshole on the other side was waiting to come in, heard me having problems opening the door, and laughed as he asked if he should go grab the jaws of life. I asked him to try opening the door from outside and he couldn't either. Someone who didn't speak english very well came by and tried to help too. He wasn't much help either. We tried for a couple minutes.

At this point, I've been in the bathroom for about 9 minutes...I know my girlfriend is sitting there with her parents and they're probably wondering if I shit myself, and if I'm scrambling to clean up before I eat a $20 piece of cake. I asked the one of the guys that didn't speak english very well if he could tell my party what was happening, that I'm okay, and I'll be there as soon as I can. He says "What?" and then leaves.

For the next 26 minutes, the rest of us try to pop the hinges off, pull the door open, jimmy the latch with a screwdriver, and much more. We have no luck. I'd been stuck in there for 35 minutes.

Finally, I hear wood cracking, see flashlights, and the door pops open. Two friendly Boston firemen waste no time seeing if I'm okay and promptly leave. The owner apologizes, gives me a strong drink (on the house), and I walk back to the table where my girlfriend and her parents are acting like everything's cool...like I didn't just disappear for 40 minutes.

I tell them what happened, and they politely laugh because they don't want to embarrass me. Everyone knows what -really- happened. I show them the grease stains on my hands from pulling the pins out of the hinges and they finally believe me. Apparently my mexican friend didn't make it back there to tell them what happened so they had no clue. They were just sitting there, waiting for me to finish shitting. Although our waiter did walk up to the table and whisper "It's okay, he's out!", which only added to the confusion.

We ended up getting free drinks and desserts, but it didn't really hit me until later that the whole meal should have been free. Oh well...I have this wonderful story now.

I guess the lesson here is stay away from Boston.

10) Things that wake me up before noon.
9) Not having something that's worth me waking up before noon.
8) My love-handles and shirts that accentuate them.
7) My attention span. I can't concentrate on anything.
6) Successful, employed people
5) The pressure, OH! the pressure
4) um, this list. I'm done.

I've been in a crap mood off and on recently. I won't say "depressed" because then people might recommend that I go "see" someone to help me take care of it, and that will just "piss" me off.

A couple mornings ago, I woke up and drank a glass of rum that was left on my desk from the night before. That morning didn't seem as bad as some of the others.

Maybe I should start one of those clubs...like the ones old women go to, hang out, wear red hats...like that. Except mine will be for frustrated, 20-30-somethings who would probably just be otherwise sitting at home, alternating their attention between sports center and checking email. We could play games, watch movies, have snacks...it'd be fun. But so would meeting at a bar...yeah, let's do that instead.

I'm gonna start that club tomorrow.

It's time I come clean. I know that every single person here has seen the internet series "Pure Pwnage", and I've decided I can't live a lie any more. Everything you see in "L33t Haxxors" has been lifted from this series. The names of the characters, the dialog, the style, the stories, everything. I don't know how I ever thought I would get away with it.

It's just that down here in Hollywood, I've been sucked dry. So when I heard about a 12 part, 4 and a half hour, Canadian mocumentary series about professional video gamers, I knew that it would be perfect fodder for my multi-part, 2 and a half minute, action comedy series about computer hackers. Hell, I wouldn't even have to WRITE the damn things. I'll just go to the Pure Pwnage website, open up a video and recreate what I see. Brilliant!

Okay, I'm done with that bit. I don't even know why I wanted to address this, because so far, it's only been one or two people that have heard another short series use the word "noob" and they're crying 'thief'. I think I'm just bored.

So, to clear the record, I had never even heard of "Pure Pwnage" until someone here mentioned that I'm ripping it off. The only real similarities I can see is that both shorts deal in the computer nerd world, and we "pwn" people. And while I'm sure it's a really great series with some hardcore fans, I really didn't watch more than 1 minute of it. I'll watch it someday, but I think it's safe from my plagiarizing ways.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pwn some noobs. And by that, I mean poop. Thank you.

Pure Pwnage

And I liked them too.

I wasn't sure I wanted to make the Haxxors series about subtitles...I mean, they're funny, but there's so much more to explore in this universe and I get the feeling that if we actually HAD done subtitles for the second episode that I'd be hearing a lot of comments saying that the joke is already stale.

I'm thinking about releasing a special 'Haxxors 2 Subtitled Edition'. Maybe that would satisfy the viewers that really liked that joke. We'll see.

I can tell you that we have lots of ideas for this series, and that even if it doesn't continue on Acceptable TV, that it will continue on via the Youtubes and the Myspaces, and other outlets like that (Maybe you'll see in the title sequence "Brought to you by Google". I'd sell out in a second for some Google cash).

One comment suggested that we had already run out of creativity. But when you have Mike McCafferty as a co-writer, that will never happen. If anything, it's the exact opposite. The guy is a fountain of nerd. (And Makiaris farts nerds.)

Okay, this blog is over. Bye.

(From my ATV blog)

Hey family,

If you've made it this far, and are reading my blog, congrats. You've managed to fight the system, and against all odds, find my profile. This site isn't easy to use yet, and I know voting is hard, but stick with it and get those votes in for "Haxxors".


Hey old friends,

I know it seems like I never call or write until I need you to vote for some stupid internet video I've done and this is no exception. Last time we talked, I won $25,000 so at least your efforts paid off. Hopefully they will this time too. We'll catch up soon. No, seriously, we will...


Hey current friends,

You guys are all awesome, and I like you a lot better than my old friends. That's not to say that some of my old South Dakota and Minnesota friends aren't great. It's just that when you grow up in a town of 5,000 people, you don't get a lot of choices about who you hang out with, and inevitably, some of your best friends are kinda douche bags. But not you. You're the cream of the crop. And thanks for holding booms and doing all that other stuff that's not really that much fun on video shoots. I owe you one.


Hey current acquaintances,

I don't know you as well as my current friends, but it doesn't have to stay that way. You guys are cool too, and I'd love to be invited to your parties. Even if there is no coke.

That's it; that's my blog. Thanks and vote for the "Haxxors" vid!

http://acceptable.tv

http://www.acceptable.tv

Don't let the terrible website fool you. The show is going to be great. I shot a lot of the tutorial and some promo stuff that you see. So maybe that's a good reason to check it out.

ANOTHER reason to check it out is because of my awesome new blog that I started over there. My profile is great and so is what I write in the blog. It comes from my heart. So go read.

The show starts this friday at 10pm pst on VH1.

2 weeks ago, I weighed myself at the VH1 offices and noticed that I had slowly but surely added on about 8 lbs during the last few months. I'm surprised it's not more because I'm really fucking lazy and I don't eat very well. So, to get a jump start on some kinda diet reform, I'm doing a 10 day lemonade diet cleanse thing. It's really stupid, and I made fun of people for doing it in the past.

I mean, how is this any different than drinking a lot of water, eating some fruit and getting a colonic? Probably not much at all, but I'm doing it anyway. I expect to lose about 15 lbs in the next 10 days, and then gain about 5 back.

Today, I really fucked up though...I was half asleep this morning when I was preparing to do my saltwater cleanse. Since there's nothing in my system, the saltwater can't be absorbed by my body, and will do a full trip through in about 30 minutes. The end result is a mini colonic, I suppose. Anyway, I was supposed to put two teaspoons of salt in 32 oz of water. But I apparently wanted to be extreeem and put 2 TABLEspoons of salt into about 20 oz of water.

Sleepily, I drank it down. It was revolting, and I'm surprised I actually kept it down. It wasn't until I was in the middle of a little PS2 action that I realized my mistake. The saltwater did it's job VERY well, and I ran to the bathroom. But about 10 minutes later, I was puking like crazy. At first it was just clear, from the water. Then it turned yellow (from the lemonade?), and finally it turned red.

Fuck.

I got dizzy, and weak, and vomited more blood...at least I think it was blood. All I knew was that the 50,000 mg of salt in my body was slowly dehydrating me and I was probably gonna pass out. I grabbed a couple bottles of water and chugged them down. Slowly, things slowed down, and I got a little better. All I wanted was a cracker or some toast, but who knows how bad a few carbs would fuck this thing up.

Things seem to be okay for now, but my stomach and intestines are going nuts, so I'm not straying far from my bathroom for now. I thought about just saying fuck it, and doing something else, but my life could use a little excitement right now.

Only 192 hours to go!