If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I'd roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it.
Cause they'd stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man.
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed 

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleepin' alone
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waitin' for me to come home 

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man.
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he's taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

You know when you act like that
I don't think you realize how it makes me look
or feel

Act like what
Why are you so jealous
It's not like i'm sleeping with the guy 

Act like what
Why are you so jealous 
It aint like I'm sleepin with the girl

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
Yeah you don't understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed

But you're just a boy

i miss the time i wasted but cannot begin to say how thankful i am to just have today. im beginning to accept life on life's terms and i think it's crucial to realize how that needs to happen in order to grow.

life might not always be fair to us, but when pain is masked we only allowed it to manifest itself into a larger problem. i can see now how hate will only comsume one's heart and break the soul. 

thank you mom, grandpa and grandma for bringing me to this point- you truly saved my life.

<3 jesa

it's been kinda tough for me as we are getting closer n closer to christmas... the pain i try not to think about creeps in and the emptyness hurts my heart.

i think about how far i've come from the person i used to be, all the things ive had to struggle with and the people who have left a permanent mark on my soul. ive hated the holidays for the past two years... a lotta people dont know i got pregnant 4mo after having elli, i miscarried and was put under general for the surgury two days before thanksgiving. joey stayed with elli and i the following day and the day of thanksgiving- with me on pain meds and totally out of it, he dropped me and elli off at my parents and said he would be going to work and then back in time for dinner. i waited.... and waited.... and he never came back to get me. so no car for elli and i to get home and no one to help me care for her since i had just been in surgury two days prior. then there is christmas, another holiday i had my heart broken in half...the christmas her dad and i broke up was tough, he cut the lease on the apt we had 2 weeks before xmas, leaving no place for elli and i to go, luckily mom and dad helped and let karelli and i stay there for a little bit until we moved into the apt in fremont.

the one fond memory i have about the holidays was last xmas, when i got elli her dora kitchen set. i was fighting back the tears as she opened it, knowing there was no daddy here to help her by putting it together. by brother's friends john & dan tran  were there and didn't think twice about crackin the box open and putting it all together. heh, they even threw all the dishes in the sink and dan made a joke- "it looks just like your mommy's sink at home".  ;] i call them her "asian" fathers... for doing the dad deed that night, i still smile when i think about that.

now there  is this year... another year, still alone. i feel like such a bad person- struggling to get by and wishing i could give elli the world but cant... but also thinking in the back of my head how i wish i could give her the family she deserves with a mom & a dad... havent been able to do that either and it's tough, i cant be mom and dad. 

i came across my wedding photos the other day when i was moving the couch so dad and i could set up the xmas tree. deep down inside, i wish so much i could be married right now, enjoying the peace and comfort of a stable, loving respectful relationship. my wedding was beautiful- i loved it, i just married the wrong person. it just seems to be a pattern i cant break, since my ex-husband it's been wrong person after even worse of a person... the few great guys ive dated i wish i liked as much as they liked me, but i felt so disconnected from them bc inside i dont feel like the person they see in me. it's hard to be with a person who reflects the opposite of what you feel about yourself; i guess that explains why i get with people who treat me so cruel and heartless... deep down, i hear joey's words echoing in the back of my head: "well if you were worth something you would have been married off by now or would have been able to stay married in the first place." to a point i feel that way about myself, it's starting to be a hopeless joke to think i'll ever meet the man of my dreams.

it makes me feel bitter and a lil mad... it's not like i'm asking for prince charning to come sweep me off my feet and take care of me. i just want someone who has their stuff together, is stable, honest, independent and kind to me and karelli. it's so hard to date being a single mom bc in the back of my head if i really like the person i end up sizing them up for the father role... i havent met anyone that can do both. either they're great for being a dad but i dont feel the attraction or im attracted to someone and they acknowledge elli but dont really treat my daughter as the most important thing, like i do. i resent the people ive dated who say "get a babysitter" or dont want to involve her in stuff we do. i dont wanna just drop her off all the time, sure it's fun to have a break when i need it- but when it becomes a pattern with the guy, i get frustrated and i end up ditching them. im annoyed they arent bright enough to see im a mom first. (mr special teams coach, to answer your question from yesterday of why i "disappeared on you", truthfully, im  sorry, but this is the main reason why i stopped calling you back).

i keep hearing "one day"... or how young and bright i am and how im pretty i am inside n out... ive been going on and living all the while for my "one day" to happen for many years now, im starting to think it's truly hopeless for me. that hurts.

One response to the pain of my suffering
seems to be a concerted attempt
to erase all the evidence:
no pictures hung;
no mention made;
no questions asked about him anymore.

i got the validation i really needed to bring closure to a very trying chapter (the last 6 months of my life). i can move on knowing what i went through wasn't just a "figment" of my imagination but something that actually happend and respected as such. i needed to hear "im sorry" and i needed to say "im sorry"... now that i have i can be a better person. ty shawna- love ya!

hello fans! it's funny who looks @ my myspace.... granted im soooo bored, that im  even doing this..... my tracker auto generates these for me--->

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The right to make my own choices is a precious one. We grow when we have the freedom to decide our own paths and determine what makes us happy. Yet there are those who are inclined to try and control me by demeaning me, hurting me, and disrespecting me to make them self feel like a manager.

It may be driven by insecurity, fear, or the need for power. I've come to the conclusion that my past mistakes won't be forgiven, my current progress is meaningless and trying 110% doesn't make the one i love, love me equally in return.

i would like to still think joey isnt intentionally critical of me, that maybe he is just so deeply critical of himself in his own minds and underlying that critical nature is unhappiness. i wanted nothing more then a stable, comfortable life with elli. His need to feel sure-footed and secure is quenched by controlling me, his ex, friends, colleagues, and most of the people who work for him. He is a kickass manager, who excelled really young but life is more then work and seeing elli on the weekends.

now, i know nearly everyone has found themselves imposing their will upon others at one time or another, I AM GUILTY of it too.

Trying to impose your will on others can be tempting for many reasons. for joey i think he may feel that his way is the best way or that he has a keener insight into the direction life should be taking. i am constantly ridiculed for being the "instant gratification" person... the one who wants to see results now. But, in imposing his will, i feel like he is indirectly saying, "I want to control you." Even when he had the best of intentions and was probably right, i wish he could understand how bad his words hurt me. i dont want to be talked to like i'm some subordinate or person of less importance. i am ashamed  we have pushed each other so far to the point we are at now, but it's not from my actions 100%. 

 it is possible to influence people and change their behavior through education or example without imposing your will on them.  Just last night I was told how I shouldn't have a bunch of guy's cell #'s in my phone-  I WORK FOR THE !@#@$ cell PHONE COMPANY, business is just that, business. I don't deserve to be called a sluty cunt whore, even if elli was asleep and didn't know who he was talking to, not in front of her. Mad or not it isn't warranted just like how my angry words shouldn't be expressed in the heat of the moment. Yet, when it comes to apologies, I can take accountability for what I said but he justifies his words because I made him angry… it's just not right- how hard is it to say "im sorry"?

joey if you don't listen to anything else I say just think about this bit of wisdom:

If you've caught yourself being a bit bossy on a regular basis, make a note of it. Write down what the situation was and why you acted the way you did. You may have pushed a friend to try something new, because deep inside you wanted to try it yourself but were feeling hesitant. Or you may be unjustly interfering with work teammates, because you aren't sure of their abilities. Next, make an effort to understand and accept their preferences and ways of doing things. It can feel natural to impose your will when you feel that you "know best."

 But there is a freedom to trusting others to find their own methods and joys, even when they might differ from yours. Sometimes the best course of action is to step back and relinquish control. You may, in doing so, see everything from a different point of view.

I wish you the best.

Dealing with powerful emotions can be challenging, especially when we are going through chaotic, sad, or cruel experiences in our lives. Often, it can seem like we have only two options for dealing with our feelings so they don't become too overwhelming. We may let our feelings out in an immediate and visceral way, or we may bottle them up by suppressing our emotions inside our bodies. Most people make the second choice, repressing their feelings in an attempt to deny them. The truth is that there are many positive ways to deal with emotions, and experiencing your negative feelings doesn't have to constitute a negative experience. Denying your feelings is not only unhealthy for the mind and the body, but it may also rob you of valuable information you could be learning about yourself and your life. Suppressing your emotions can even impede your short-term memory. Acknowledging your feelings can help you better understand them and help you recover naturally from change, stress, and grief.

If you find that facing your feelings head on is proving too difficult during times of emotional distress, you may want to explore alternative ways of expressing them. Otherwise, the emotions you deny could morph into unconscious anger or self-hatred. Expressing your thoughts to friends or family can be helpful. If you don't feel ready to share them, try giving them words by writing down what you are feeling. Give whatever you are feeling simple words like "livid" or "angry" or "excited". You can also funnel your feelings into a creative outlet, physical exercise, or chores. Even just accepting and speaking your feelings out loud to yourself can be a healing release. In releasing intense emotions, it is most beneficial to acknowledge the feelings, allow yourself to feel them, and let the feelings go. Those who are willing to experience and release their feelings without judgment also find that their lives become less stressful. Breathing deeply, going for a long walk, or d! oing a constructive task can help you respond to your feelings in a healthy way.

While burying negative or uncomfortable feelings can numb the pain, it also may inevitably dull your ability to experience your more positive and pleasurable feelings. You may find yourself afraid to open up in the future for fear of getting hurt. The feelings we deny aren't limited to anger and sadness. Suppressing our happiness or excitement can be just as unhealthy. In learning how to express your intense emotions in a healthy way, you are giving yourself the freedom to fully experience the more joyful emotions that come with being alive.