I am re-issuing this diary post as a blog because writing is therapy for me. And this has to be one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.
Making it public is actually theraputic for me because this is only a chip off the iceberg...My entire life has been just as chaotic and confusing as this portion..And writing about it gives me clarity as to who I am and the things I have endured. And you never know who can relate to what you write because pain, like love, knows no boundaries.
Love Story is 1st, then comes A Different Me and then in Spring 2009-->After The Pain.
-Smooches
Most fairy tales begin with"Once upon a time" and end with "Happily Ever After"
But MY LOVE STORY began with lies, climaxed as an addiction, and ended tragically. Love entered my life suddenly 8 years ago and resurfaced just as abruptly every year there after. Love was suave, had an uncanning wit, and a swagg parallel to none! Not to mention Love, was adaptable--whatever I was going through in life, where ever I had been or yearned to go- Love could relate to.
Even in the early years Love was quite addictive. I would find myself skipping classes, sneaking out and lying; just to get that high I felt when I was in Love's presence. Love made me feel free- his "do you" mentality, and free spirit approach to life made me feel as if I was soaring with the eagles. I can remember many mornings waking up, getting dressed for school, and catching the bus, or any other means of transportation, to get to Love- who lived quite some distance from me. But I didn't care!
Love was older and much more experienced than me.. His demeanor was that of the proudest man, and that was his most attractive quality to me. Don't get it twisted, Love was very handsome and the ladies let him know it quite often.
Like most men of his stature, Love's reputation exceeded his presence! All the girls warned of his doggish, yet captivating demeanor. They had horror stories of how he gave his love to them and then their friends. They warned of his arrogance, carelessness, and loving facade,
But for some reason, on that hot June day, their warnings went unheeded. I had never seen Love before, but as they mention, his look was very recognizable. In a room full of people, he would still manage to stand out. Love had SWAGG! Love's walk was that of a thorough bred and he spoke with a sense of clairvoyance. Love had game.
Although our exchange was brief, that moment has never left my mind. Because at that moment Love had captivated me like no one ever had. But I was scared, and not to mention attached, so I didn't call Love.
One day, Love and I skipped school. Like most people, I was curious as to if the person I was attracted to, was as attractive in a sexual capacity, but our age difference frighten me. But Love was determined. Love kissed, caressed, and maneuvered my body in ways I didn't know were possible. Which made me even wearier, but I conceded to Love's request. On that day, I received Love's manhood, equipped with music enriched foreplay, four rounds of passionate sex, and passion marks to big to hide from the world!
In the years following, me and Love's conquest never lacked emotion or excitement. And the rumors, Love proved them to be true. True to the stories that were told- Love didn't see boundaries! Friends, family, and associates- Love had his way with. No One Was Exempt! Breaking my heart repeatedly- but I was determined to follow my heart and he owned it. Many of his trysts were short lived and I wouldn't find out about them until years later, but the pain hurt the same.
I wasn't innocent; I had flings and attempted to even the score- which only left me feeling emptier inside. Because I could not beat or even compete with Love and it took many terrible incidents to teach me that.
And as I had done many times before- I returned to Love. Love listened, but never judged. Held me with out attachment. Love loved me freely. Hence the addiction continued.
Through those years many indiscretions occurred between Love and I. We both issued and endured pain, but for some reason the good seemed to out weight the bad.
I was committed to showing Love that I was the "Sole Survivor" he labeled me. I responded to every call with a sense of urgency, supplied his needs- with no regards to how it made me look.
Love's needs, wants and desires became my own.
As far as Love's indiscretions- they were many and blatant!
I saw, but didn't see. Heard but didn't listen, and eventually convinced myself that they had no bearing on the love he possessed for me.
Love was the judge and the jury in my life- his opinion had more bearing than the most knowledgeable friend.
That was until one of our skeletons resurfaced--some one that was once a friend of mind and a tryst of Love were back in the picture. And the past I once ignored, tried to forget, and never discussed with Love became an element of the present. Love then decided we should just be friends
Places we once went together- became places we three would hang. Time that was once ours became theirs.
The recent things I tried to ignore combined with the past things I tried to forget had taken its toll- looking in Love's eyes weren't the same anymore. All I could see is all the many, many tryst of the past and some of the recent ones. For the first time I saw that Love- didn't love me. Love had actually developed hate for me and being with me was the easiest way to inflict pain, embarrass, and hurt me! Love had gotten his revenge for what ever issues he had held against me! And I was mentally devastated- my mind couldn't honestly comprehend the things that occurred so quickly and the things I had overlooked so long ago! Love played me................