I don't want to alarm anyone in particular, but guess what's free on Comcast  OnDemand?


Yeah, I know, HOLY CRRRRRAAAAAAP.

This is one of the earliest movies I actually remember seeing in the theater.

When I was six years old, there were two things in the world that mattered most; NINTENDO, and BEING AS COOL AS FRED SAVAGE. Therefore I begged my parents to take me to this film. After several pleas, arguments, and one "cry for help" suicide attempt, they finally took me to this glorious 94 minute commercial.

Is it weird that I genuinely believe that no man on earth will ever be as cool as Fred Savage? Yes. Yes it is.

Oh, and the girl in the movie grows up to be the lead singer of Rilo Kiley.


Anyways, if you look around the "Free Movies" on comcast On Demand, you'll find it. There is no better use of an hour of your life. (Its actually 90 minutes, but keep that remote handy to fast forward through the exposition parts).

Notes after watching:

1) The main antagonist, Lucas, of "I love the Power Glove, it's so bad" fame, is actually just a slightly confident blond kid, not the living embodiment of all evil I remember.

2) This movie has way too many dark moments. Divorce, alcoholism, gambling addiction, its like Nintendo was ACTIVELY seeking to present video games as the perfect escape outlet for traumatized youth... creepy.

3) The movie heavily features Super Mario Bros. 3, a game that I will soon use as the sacred text for my racoon-flight-centric cult.

Oh God, this movie.

END

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=15100768&blogID=332483379

By the time the movie ends, most of the violence is off-screen, as opposed to the cat-and-mouse gunfights we begin to think of crime as an unfortunate force of nature. Yes it made the film less fun, but it gave you more to chew on... your imagination and moral compass having to work to keep you going. Anton Sygurh says in one of his last lines "I got here the same way the coin did". He was never even a villain to be defeated, he was fate and causality itself. No more stoppable than an aneurysm or an elderly motorist.

So... Last night, as I sat in my boxers on the couch eating Trix yogurt and watching "I, Robot" (Which, by the way is NOT bad at all) I had this grand vision about an 8 minute lecture about why comic books are the ideal media for taking a dump.

Think about it, the average single issue takes 20 minutes to read, the perfect amount of time to take care of business (not too rushed, not enjoying yourself either). The stories are often immersing and fantastical, excellent at occupying one's mind during the arduous crapping process. In fact the stories in superhero comics are like a utopian parrelel earth where everyone is freed from our fragile, flawed, organic selves. Have you noticed that superheroes never shit? Captain America has never pooped, you know why? Because it's unpatriotic, you goddamn hippy. Superheroes don't poop because superheroes are everything we as humans long to be, Strong, Beatific, Irreproachable. Only under the spell of those fantastic visual tales can one transcend their physical self, and escape. All the while clearing out last night's Baja Fresh.

Have you ever tried to TIME the end of the comic with the end of the dump? Like, "And thus, the day was saved... (FLUSH)" Man, nothing better.

Here is the link that inspired this rant:  http://www.tvweek.com/news/2007/10/comedy_central_renews_mencia_a.php

As the headline explains, Comedy Central has indeed renewed both "Mind of Mencia" and "Lil' Bush" for 2008. According to the article the Mencia is "a huge asset to our network" and Lil' Bush "averaged more than 1.5 million viewers per premiere episode and is a top-rated show among men 18 to 24 and 18 to 34".

Really?

I mean, REALLY?

I myself am a male 18-24 and I saw an episode of "Lil' Bush" and the thing was horrendous. It was all obvious jokes, awful animation, and wrapped in a poorly-defined framework. Seriously it's UNWATCHABLE.

When I say obvious, I mean OBVIOUS. Within the first minute I knew that I was going to seethe words "Frankfurter 9/11" (see the plot involved torture and hotdogs, what a hilarious combinantion of the sacred and profane! Wait, I mean, awkward an ineffective, my mistake). Would you believe that at one point Lil' Mikey Moore is overly distracted by food? Craziness!

But 1.5 million of my peers gladly ate it up.
Unrelated note, y'all remember "Wonder Showzen"?
Anyway...

See, this is my main problem, a HUGE part about enjoying comedy is the surprise.That moment after the punchline has passed, as you process what was just said, and in a moment of "Why didn't I think of that!?" you burst out laughing. The challenge, the only real challenge in comedy is finding a unique and unconventional perspective to make a topic funny.

"Obvious Comedy" is the easiest thing in the world, easier than math, easier than rollerblading, slightly harder than writing a Limerick, but not by much.

Speaking of which...

There once was a guy named Mencia
Whose show made him lots of Money-a
But his hackeneyed swipes
Makes him one of those types
That cause me to have Diahreea .

Wow, that was the easiest thing to write ever.

Screw the joke-stealing, his show just sucks.

My impression of his show.

Mencia: "Wouldn't it be funny if there was an Asian president!? I bet they'd be able to fix the budget in half a weekend! I only hope they serve Dog Meat on Air Force One!"
(silence)
" 'Ey man! I'm just keeping it too real! Oh everybody's so offended! I'm the only man in America brave enough tell it like it is! And by 'like it is' I mean 'like it is in this jokebook from 1936 I found in a dumpster 5 years ago' "!
(END SCENE)

I'm at work while writing this and I'm going to be fired.

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

That is a sentance.
It is about bison from a city in upstate NY who stubbornly bullies other bison from the same area.

Read this Wikipedia article and TRY to keep your brain from exploding.

Anybody else have mind-violating wikipedia articles?

    Yup.

I'm not that good. But whatevers.

This is in response to Jimmy's recent Blog Post:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=15100768&blogID=275290679

I see what you're saying about a lot of newer comedians seeing the "self-preservation" instinct that kicks in when talking about community, and how the #1 priority should be BEING FUNNY. Hell, that's a big reason why I love standup, that instant camaraderie between people who have worked hard to hone their talent. I could watch a stranger do an 8 minute set, and if I laugh, chances are we're going to be buddies.

But there deserves to be some sort of talk about the DC scene.

Many people, (myself included) would like to see more centralized and creatively driven aesthetic for performance (english major smokescreen, now!). To build an audience locally and really do something original and exciting. Though the term "alternative" is usually shorthand for "whiny crutch used for things that aren't that funny", there is still something to be said about wanting to foster a venue for live entertainment for DC's growing population of gentrifying uber-yuppies. I think I speak for many people when I say that the ultimate goal of driving to Ohio to be the personal birthday clown for a bunch of drunks really isn't appealing.

In New York, LA, San Fran, and Boston, local comics rose up to find venues, gather a regular audience and experiment, allowing talent to grow and creating some very awesome voices. Most of the comedians and writers I enjoy came up through these local "scenes" rather than pounding the pavement across America.

Recently, many of the funniest people I know have moved on because there was no such support system here. So yeah, people are talking, and for good reason. Hopefully something good will come out of the discussion

Also, I have an idea for a sketch, in which a group of record execs are excited to sign an underground "Reggaeton" artist who is garnering lots of buzz. When going over the different tracks on his new album, they all appear to be the excact same song. Only one young executive realizes this, but is immediately accused of being racist. Hilarity ensues.

It's the about the sexy, dangerous lives of young astronauts trying to find their way in the big, big world. Think "Grey's Anatomy" meets "CSI" with slight Christian overtones against the exotic backdrop of Cape Canaveral Florida. There will be Astronaut love triangles, Astronaut on Astronaut violence, and a very special episode in which the cast deals with the death of a fellow Astronaut (episode  pursuant to whichever actor dies/is arrested first). Do you still doubt my project's ability to attract a major audience?
Wait to you hear the title:

...


...


wait for it...


...

"Permission to Love"

BAM.

Look for it Tuesdays on CBS.

I want to foster a healthy alternative comedy scene.

I should develop a more traditional comedy routine.

I ought to try and get back into drawing comics.

I have to wake up at 7:00 every morning.

I need more exercise, to increase strength and reduce jiggly parts.

Once, I punched a tank.