So we blasted a 9-minute opus at the first (hopefully annual...no wait, monthly...no wait, bi-daily) FU Awards presented by 102.1 The Edge and Eye Weekly at The Sound Academy in Toronto. You have to drive through a ghetto that looks like it was rampaged by a giant Japanese sea-monster and you have to bribe a couple of sailors to get there, but once you're there, hoah man is it worth it!

We were playing with punky heavyweights Strike Anywhere, The Flatliners, Hostage Life, Keeping 6, Dodger and a kickass new band called Low & Behold. There were about 450 people there and it was our first show where Ticketmaster could rape you on processing charges. So it was also our first brush with financial rape. Milestones galore!

During our set, I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but I ate a donut off of my drumstick, which I thought was a way stupid vanity move that would have gotten me a pair of boobs to autograph. Alas no. But I autographed a pair of those of a passed out chick in the smoking area to make up for the snub. Does that make me a monster? Not in Beirut it doesn't!

After our set, someone tossed a bottle of hot urine into our merch box, which I take as a complement, because a) it's a personal gift, b) the person could have just wasted it down a toilet, and c) it's just what I needed to make one of my signature pots of "secret pee tea". I suspect it was the lead singer from Strike Anywhere who did it because I told him he looked like Zachary Ty Brian (which he doesn't but should (we all should)).

We did some silly interviews for Bite TV's show "Rippin N' Lippin'" and Punkradiocast's "MorbioPunk" shows, touching on society's most pressing hot topics such as hang-ginas, wakin' & bakin' bacon, and providing affordable housing for inner-city families in Manitoba*. We'll let suckas know when they're viewable.

We also met a dude whom I thought was pro-wrestler Dean Malenko, but Craig informed me that he was in fact the amazing and talented guitarist for I Mother Earth. Boy was I initially let down when he couldn't teach me how to pull off a proper figure-four leglock. He was a dapper dude, tres cool, tres nice, and tres exuding a look I could only describe as "Dean Malenko-esque".

All in all, it was a good time, mostly because I got to see a bunch of industry people get more shitfaced than a passed-out farmer in a pig-pen/German pornstar/me when I got potty-trained. It's true: they're just like you and me! Degenerates!

That's the word. You heard it here first.

-Hunter J

*last pressing topic not actually discussed.

Hey all,

this blog is only for bands that don't suck, so if you sing about how your girlfriend left you because your more feminin than she is than I suggest getting bit by a raccon with triple rabies. If your a band that wants to network with other canadian bands exclusively than I sugest getting involved with this website as it is about to launch. you can post videos, your tunes, and best of all they provide a free online store where you can sell your merch and souls and your sisters diaries.

www.tunesters.ca

Well I have some exciting news for all Canadians, especially musicans and music lovers.  A brand new Canadian music website has been created.  www.tunester.com  This site has incredible innovations geared toward the music lover and music creator.  It has streaming audio, video, audio and video charts, you can leave comments, rate songs and bands etc.

This site is only for Canadians, industry members and bands.  Its potential is endless as it is an incredible way to market, promote and create profits with ease and security.  You can sell products, download music and be an active participant in reviews, ratings and listens.

Be heard in Canada ! 

Thanks to Chris Martin, CEO of tunster.com for creating a new medium to promote Canadian music and celebrate our passion for new music.

Last weekend, a perverted violation of Proposterous' comfort was executed in the form of urination. As the local metallic funk duo was applying their war paint in the restroom at a private function, ultra-quick drummer Hunter J reported that one of the many "hottie college chicks" came and disturbed the band's essential "pre-show chi", by expressing her need to pee. After a brief explanation that Craig VK just needed to tighten his tassles and Hunter J just needed to complete the final contour of his Ultimate Warrior face-shield, this specific "hottie college chick" who can only be referred to as Kyla M. Robinson, persisted with her bladder-emptying needs and proceeded to tinkle beside the two rockers as if it were as common as making out with them after the show.

Frozen in the mirror, the Proposterous boys exchanged glances in the mirror; glances that relayed thoughts of "What the shit?", "Weeeeeeeeird", and "Is this gross or hot?". "Probably most awe-inspiring of all was the fact that it sounded like Kyla was peeing out of Godzilla's urethra," explained hellbound guitar-twidler Craig VK. "I heard Henry Rollins take a piss back in '99, and this Kyla chick fired it out at like, 8 times that velocity." The handsome VK's beautiful drummer Hunter J reciprocated that notion, stating "Yeah lady, easy with the flow; it's a toilet, not a rioting crowd."

As she sat doing her business upon the porcelain throne, Kyla attempted to initiate small talk, something neither one of the boys thought was appropriate, awkwardness-evaporating, or human-like. "So...do you guys play around here often?" asked the female urinator. "What, you mean around girls who routinely pee beside dudes?" Craig VK inquired, half serious. As the pee session finished up with a few SuperSoaker5000-worthy bursts, Kyla dispelled the modern male's belief that females were accustomed to "wiping" after urinating. In an interview conducted by several other party-goers, Hunter J contemplated what just happened: "Yeah, she totally just flushed and booked it. Didn't even LOOK at the toilet paper. Either I've been making sure I had TP in my bathroom when girls come over for nothing, or she was just a dirty bitch." Even though the whole situation proved most unique and mildly disturbing, both members of Proposterous agreed that Kyla was still bangin' enough to warrant a decent high-five.

PROPOSTEROUS DECLARES WAR ON BUSH

It has been announced today, that 2-man powerfunk band Proposterous is officially at war with terrible 90s "rock" band Bush, formerly known as Bush X. "Fuck Bush", terrific drummer Hunter J stated. "They're so shit." This battle is the culminating product of people having to subject their ears to Bush's non-sensical lyrics such as "We live in a wheel, where everyone steals, and when we rise it's like Strawberry Fields", and "Green to red, Machinehead". "What the chota is a wheel where people steal," fantastic frontman Craig VK asked himself, perplexed by the startling irrelevance of anything Gavin Rosedale has ever said in his life. "I mean sure, I sing about poison crab appetizers and making people's eyeballs sore, but what I do is a reflection of the negative effects of the media on the human condition. Bush just fuckin' stinks."

Hunter J followed his bandmate's affirmation by stating that he would still however "totally throw it to his flat wife." He also explained that after he went camping last weekend, he came home with more mosquito bites on his ankles than Gwen Stefani has on her chest.

The declaration of war occured at 10:56pm, February 24th 2006, when Proposterous announced their intent to fully crush Bush's frightening reign over susceptible high school girls who don't know any better than to enjoy songs like "Swallowed". "I got a message for Bush," Hunter J yelled over a wailing crowd's appreciation. "I want Bush to know that we liked them better the first time we heard them, when they were called 'me having diarrhea on a microphone' ". Craig VK reciprocated those feelings by saying "Bush makes Helen Keller seem lucky. Because she was deaf. Also because she couldn't read their lyrics and wonder why God would let such atrocities see light." They then exclaimed in tandem: "It's war. Proposterous vs. Bush."

It is a commonly-known fact that suicide rates are considerably higher in people who've heard the Bush track featured on the American Werewolf in Paris soundtrack, "Mouth". At a press conference from Craig's basement/jamroom, the amazing band's manager, Rob Martin, explained that this a war against suicide and auditory rape. No longer will innocent people's aural hymens be busted by the likes of Everything Zen, a song that boasts such derogatory lyrics as "Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow", and "There must be something we can eat, maybe find another lover", which Rosedale proceeds to rhyme with "find my asshole brother".

Joining in Proposterous' righteous fight against the worst band since vomit are the nations of Poland, Australia, France, and Luxembourg. Luxembourg was told they could stay home and just make sure no shit goes down. Proposterous vows to never cease their attempts to propagate the notion of "Bush sucking". Both Hunter J and Craig VK promise to finally make them come down from this cloud, and put plenty of chemicals between them. Notably cyanide, napalm, and mustard gas.

There is hope for peace, however. Preliminary United Nations negotiations have uncovered a possible solution for armistice. Apparently, both members of Proposterous would be perfectly content to simply punch the band in the yap while they had their arms tied behind their back.