Life is darkend by desire, sick of pain and sick of liars...
Hearts are ruined due to distance, fighting for a lost existance...
Smiles stageed for photographs, yet in reality there are no laughs...
Souls are scorn by discontentment, these little things can breed resentment...
To touch your heart my heart requested, yet I feel like I over invested...
Scars are born through tasks and trials, yet this love runs for miles and miles...
Truth be told I have a secret, but if I tell you will you keep it?
Things are changing and I'm getting weaker, maybe life is to hard for the seeker...
Seeking love and seeking peace, I'm waiting for the great release...

My life sucks I am SO fucking cursed...
I hate valentines day, always have always will...
Anytyhing that can go wrong usually does...
Last night (In true valentines form) SUCKED...
So am I so bad off that I cannot get a single thing in my life to go right?
All I wanted was one good valentines day, is that to much to ask?
My blood sugar ended up crashing at the end of the night pretty badly and I was in fucking pain...
A friend got taken to jail, Thanks a lot valentines day...
No more exspectations, for real...
Normally I just know it will be a bad day for me, I thought this year would be different...
The sad thing is there are people who have great ones and do not even care...
Oh well it's just another day I guess...
Closing statement- My life sucks, I am not a good valentine...







<3Scotty<3.

Tonight I lay awake, the moon is full...
I watch it as the clouds aproach it to consume its light, it has no fear...
The cold that hangs in the air serves as a reminder that I am mortal...
Breaths drawn are brisk and hollow, noting is evident...
Heart beating, pain receding...
The stars call to me and whisper of their travles, of the worlds beyond that of my own which they have seen...
Andas the clouds continue, slowly consuming the light which had shone onthis world of darkness and wonder, I find myself intranced...
True darkness falls and I am left breathless, The wind sings songs of myths and legends and the trees speak in tounges...
Heart beating, pain receding...
My soul is dignified in this time of stillness and all is calm...
The stillness is soon lifted and the calm passes...
I soon relize where I am...
Onthe staircase in the dark, alone and comfortable, I wait and listen forthe songs and stories of the universe around me to once again amazeme...
I sit and wait and sing their songs inside myself over and over...
Heart beating, pain receding...
Ibegin to relize I am not alone, the rain begins and I am soon in themiddle of a ballet of rythmic movement, in which the dancers finaldestination is a puddle of unity...
Though the dancers started as their own beings, they became one in beautiful harmony...
And soon as the cold becomes stronger, the ballet is changed completely...
Now the dancers are more visible, pure white and the dance slows...
Never had I seen a sight so beautiful...
Heart beating, pain receding...
I come to myself and speak of yesterday, tomorrow and memories long forgoten...
I relize where I truely am, not a staircase outside some house...
I am home, and the world around me is rejoicing in such a relization...
Now I'm here, fully alive, fully aware...
I stay seated, my pains defeated...

 Promises of tomorrow are only made to make today seem less crazy...
So I am sitting here inside myself, waiting for it to sink in...
There is truely NO tomorrow, I may wake up tomorrow, maybe, just maybe...
but my tomorrow will be the EXACT same as my today which was sadly the EXACT same as my yesterday...
I am on a roller coaster of promises that just keeps looping and coming to the SAME relizations. Promises of tomorrow are just made to make today seem less crazy...
 I'm an empty battle field, waiting for the wounds to heal...
So Even after the war and the victory or defeat, I am still left with deep wounds...
Wounds that only time can heal and no empty words or meaningless love song will ever heal thoughs wounds...
The war has been a long fight, at war with myself, at war with the world...
At war with the lies and even worse, at war with the truths...
I'm an empty battle field, waiting for the wounds to heal...
 Deep inside locked away is where the truth is left as prey...
I cannot speak whith full impact when faced with thoughts of fools and facts...
So I lock it away deep inside and let the darkness shelter it...
I feel it night after night, calling, crying, screaming...
One day soon when the night is full and his heart is unsuspecting, it will set itself free...
For it holds no position in this world, it is a constant, unchanging...
Deep inside locked away the truth is going to escape one day...
 Smiles staged in photographs to mask a racing mind, remembering his yesterdays and what he left behind...
To give of himself to make a chance for something new and bright, he cannot say that it was worth it, he never feels alright...
So here it ends for now at least, until another day...
He'll bite his tounge and smile softly and slowly fade away...



<3Scotty<3.

 I find myself in the land of Oz....


 The people I thought were my lions and would protect me from becoming prey have NO courage, so I am left to be eaten...
 The people I thought were my scarecrows ,and would keep the birds in life from pecking my eyes out and leaving me for dead have NO brains, so that watchful eye is of NO use...
 The people I thought were my tin men, Shiney, simple, sweet well they seem to have lost their hearts...
 I am truely AMAZED at how much my life has become this OLD ass movie... I am not in Kansas anymore, things seem bright and amazing but I am under attack and all over something as small as a pair of shoes or in my case being a fag...
Well I have found the yellow brick road, but guess what, this thing is a hard road to walk alone, No lion, NO scarecrow, NO tin man, Fuck I don't even have that worthless fucking dog...
 It is all good though, I know I have heard it said "There is no place like home" personaly, for me at least, my home is where and what I make it and I am done living in this land of make believe and I am done waiting for the good witch to tell me how to get out of here so fuck it... I am trailing off the yellow brick road and heading my own way...




 This will make PERFECT sense to anyone who takes the time to think about it...







<3Scotty<3.

So Carrollton is not quite what I was thinking it would be... But I am okay with that I may not feel grate and true, most days I don't but I am making it and doing it on my own... It sucks sometimes but sometimes it is amazing and I have to make sure to pay more attention to thoughs good days then I do to the bad days... My new job is not some amazing dream job but starting next week I am gonna be getting 40 hours a week... I am also looking for another job that I can work in the daytime=]...
I had to give up a lot of stuff to come out here but I am making it work... I lost my phone also=[... I do not know how long all of this will last or where it will take me but I am ready for anything...

Okay so my mom and I have this hot and cold relationship




One minute I am okay as who I am even if she "Does not approve"...
Next thing I know we are not on good terms at ALL...
You would think with so many kids......That they would have exspected at least  one fag......Well even so I am sick of being that and just that I use to be butchish...Sorta...     The reason for improvement is obvious, no?
Well anyway I am SO sick of it all my sister does not want me near her son because I am gay, like it is contagious (As if she would be so lucky "-_-...)
Anyway, it makes me wanna scream, not because I want to be this "Super Uncle" that is all involved and up to my elbows in baby shit and soaked in vomit BUT I should at least have the option to be so...

My sister however, whom I use to be very close to does not want anything to do with me half, NO MOST of the time over something as small as sexual preference... Thats gay=P!...lol...
I don't know it is a hard time right now and I miss my family, I miss my old friends and the simple life I led...
However I feel that it is better this way, even if I am not in a good mood sometimes but I am growing because of it...
So things can NEVER go back to the way they use to be...

But I am okay with that... I will just have to make thoughs new good friends and I cannot keep trying to make things work out with my family because they are pulling away and I cannot keep trying to pull them back...
It hurts, it sucks, it's life...
HOWEVER... I am already working on that new family and friends thing=]!...







I would say I am well on my way=]...



Thanks for reading=]...

I feel like little miss Muffet for reals...



I am sitting here not bothering anyone, eating the fruits of my labor and out of nowhere I am attacked by a shitfest known as life...
Whos bright idea was it to make cell phones? for real I need to kick that jerk in the throat...
Phone won't stop ringing, problems won't stop surfacing... That bitch miss Muffet had no idea how good she had it...
Bugs I don't like granted but even being killed by a CRAZY MUTANT spider would be better then not a moment of peace...
at least dead people do not have to answer their phones =P!...