i don't know why i still struggle with this anger.
i'm tired.
i'm sad.
i'm weak.

i want to be whole again. feel beautiful & complete.
slowly i'm putting myself back together, but letting people rip me apart at the same time. i wonder if i'm making any progress.

somedays, i get sooo sick of people & their lying bullshit.
they say one thing, they do another. people make promises & tell you something special, but they're lying.

then i remember everyone is an individual. you have to be patient & caring & loving, no matter what people do to you.
maybe this is a silly girl way of handling life, but i think it's the smartest, most mature realization i've come to in ages.
i've been so close to writing so many friends off lately, because of their lack of time & whiny demeanor. but, these are the people who need me. who need love & appreciation.

i feel like i've been sucked dry of all my goodness in the last few months. heartless and cold. but that is not me.
this is me.
happy. free. intense. passionate. beautiful. love.
this exudes from mee.
i'm crystal. i'm unique.

i feel like i can finally see clearly.
ahhahahhh.

my life has been a constant struggle for the last four months.
mostly because of jem.
he's been such a huggggeee part of my life for the last three years.
i thought we would get married & grow old together.

when we broke up, my life was upside down.
i'm constantly confused & wondering if things could go back to how they were once & we could love each other that hard ever again.

since i've been sooo confused about my own crazy life, all i've been attracting is confused crazy people.
i don't know why i didn't see this before.
but i'm worth soo much more than these people have been giving me.


so i finally got a clue last night.
i finally realized that if i want to fully love myself and bring love into my life i have to be free & able to love without confusion.
i knowww this hurt you. i know i'm insane & i'm constantly changing my mind.
but i'm in motion.

i'm so able to give more love than anyone will ever need.
& i can always tell when somethings not right.
i am finally happy.


p.s. dragon. let's have saturn time.