Ever since I was a little kid I was told that I wasn't trusting enough, that I was too skeptical of things people said and did. I've never been able to put faith in people. And not strangers on the street, or random people. Nothing like that. I don't trust them at all. But then again, who does? I have a hard time trusting those that I should. My family plays a big part in that. They were never really big on teaching me that the way they were wasn't how everyone else was. I had to find that out on my own. And granted I'm doing just fine with that, it still wasn't really a very good idea on their part. There have been few people that I actually do trust. I've had too many people that I risked trusting and they fucked it up. Not only for themselves, but for the people that would follow them. I've lost out on several friendships because I couldn't open up to them due to past experience. I don't enjoy it. I don't like it. But it's the way I am and nothing is going to change that.
Recently I've opened up to a few people. Three in particular. And like always, that's gone completely to shit. I finally trust someone. I really honestly trust them, and those people are being ripped away from me. Because of other's ignorance there is a severe strain on the friendship with the one person who just might know me better then I know myself. What people are saying doesn't really bother me. I can't say it doesn't bother me at all, because it does, and I'd be stupid to say that I'm not affected by it at all, but what really bothers me is the fact that these people, these nosey bastards, are people that I once trusted. People I once considered friends. And then there's him. The ignorant fuck that thinks he's the godfather of my son. You've got your head so far up your ass you failed to realize that the things you said would get back to us. You failed to realize that because you were too chicken to face me, that you just lost the best kid in the world. Oh well, sucks for you. He'll be better off.
Then there's the rumors. The fucking rumors. It really shouldn't surprise me though. I mean why would people keep out of matters that have nothing to do with them. Oh wait. That's right. Like a dear friend told me. Because people feel the need to act as if I'm some kind of small town Lindsay Lohan. Make shit up, spread it around, and then laugh as I get pissed.
The past few years have been difficult ones. Losing a friend to cancer, losing my grandfather. Having Tristan, although I love the kid to death, things have been terribly difficult. School, work and all the drama. Things have been terribly difficult. And I think I've dealt relatively well with it. But that's clearly not good enough. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm sorry. I forgot.
I've lost control over everything I once thought I had control over. I'm only in control of a few things in my life anymore, and I'm not happy with that at all. I've got parents, not MY mother mind you, trying to tell ME who I can and can't see. What I can and can't do. And I can't blame him for his mother's actions, but it's to the point that I'm fed up. Telling me I can't see my best friend and then threatening to tell my mother. I feel like I'm in fucking third grade. I'd like to think that I run my own life. That I'm in control of my actions, but clearly that was just another of my many delusions.
I despise being talked about like I'm not there. Because clearly that big lump in the seat behind you with the orange hair isn't really me. I've learned to astral project.
I was recently kicked out of a friends house because of a family member refusing to listen. Things have been smoothed over with a bit of sucking up on my part and explaining on someone else's. There's still a severe strain on that friendship though and I don't know if it will ever not feel awkward. But I'm willing to try, the question is, is he?

I used to be the kid that everyone's family liked. I used to be the girl that all parents enjoyed having over. Now I'm that kid that every parent dreads coming over. The one they fear is going to turn their child into a fucking demon child. Just like me.

Come on. Being a hellion is fun.

i read a blog today. that. once again. was about me. if you didn't know the situation you'd never realize it. i'm sick of being attacked. people think that it's alright to apologize for horrible things that were said just because of some major event. then their friends decide to get involved and say shit when they don't even know what happened. i had a problem with the blogger, yes. but that was something completely different. that was all about people feeling it was their place to share news that had nothing to do with them. that was people calling 'best friends' liars and putting a fucking boy before their friendship. clearly i held that relationship much higher then you ever did. the shit that they went through they brought on themselves. waiting this long to finally decide, 'oh, now might be a good time to say sorry because i might not get a chance to later on.' if they were really as sorry as they say they were then they would have said so sooner. i don't take well to being attacked by people who don't know the whole story. who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. and i don't like people getting involved with things that they shouldn't be. it has nothing to do with you so stay out of it. this has all become so high school. and to think. none of us are in high school. you've all claimed to grow up and be mature. ha. right.

fuck. i hate people. and to think everyone always wonders why i don't ever fucking trust people. so consider this as an official end of story. i want nothing to do with any of you. thinking about it, that's kinda funny considering one of you is going to have to deal with me all the time. oh well. i guess it's your problem now. not mine.

comment if you want. if you attack me, don't expect it to go unnoticed or to be left alone. i will pick it apart like a little kid with a scab

so. i got transfered stores in the wonderful company that is gamestop. (note the sarcasm) i did however get bumped up to a third key. for those of you who are out of the gamestop lingo, it's pretty much an assistant assistant manager. it ain't much but i get a raise.

i work with all guys. fuck.

crystal lake was sweet. the customers never treated us any differently just because we had boobs. in round lake it's like these guys walk in and go 'holy shit boobs! what do i do!? look down. don't look at them....shit i looked.' it's awful. i had a guy come in that did everything he possibly could to look everywhere but at me. i scared some guy into buying a subscription. and to make things worse one of the guys i work with is the same way.

sweet.

tristan is doing amazingly wonderfully well. he turns six months old tomorrow. and he's got his check up on thursday. he's gotten soo big and he actually enjoys baths now.

i taught him how to splash.

i am now the proud owner of an xbox 360. i'm feeding more money into the greedy power hungry company that is microsoft. i'm amazing.

it's the cool halo one though. i love it. i also picked up bioshock and condemned. now. how to tell my mother.


my grandma has had to make two emergency room trips in the past month. the first time she had no clue where she was. we were at my aunts house for my cousins birthday. she kept telling me and kristin how pretty we were. and wanted to know when my dad was coming home. all manner of things that didn't make any sense. they took her to the er but because they had waited two hours and had no luck getting in to see a doctor, they left.

she was back to normal anyways.

right.

so then the other day i get a call at work from my mom saying that she's taking grandma in because she couldn't pick anything up, let alone close her left hand around anything. so in to the er she went again. only this time they got to see a doctor. they did cat scans. they said that she would be ok. she should go see her doctor and have her treated as an outpatient because it would be too expensive at the hospital. something about they couldn't really do anything for her. so mom is supposed to take her to the doctor. that will happen just like it did last time.

for those keeping track. there was no last time.

things have been rough. i'm not gonna lie. people are driving me nuts. and the worst part about it is, it's the people who keep saying that they're going to change the things that they do, stop the things that make me upset and they never do. it's frustrating.

i've been having a hard time keeping track of things lately. i put things away so that i know where to find them and then when i need them i can't for the life of me remember where they are. i have been getting little to no sleep. partially because erich works at night and doesn't usually get off work until midnight and i have a hard time falling asleep without him home. partially because tristan wakes me up early, plus with work and school i'm up early pretty much everyday. i need sleep and when i do get the chance to get it, it doesn't come to me. i have had absolutely no appetite. nothing looks tasty. and most things make me sick. mom wants me to go see the doctor.

i hate the doctor.

i've started up a new little series. hopefully it will turn into something bigger. i haven't gotten to work on it much because of school.

silly storyboards.

i have to meet with my creative thinking teacher tomorrow. since the jackass decided that it wasn't worth his time to show up last week. he set the time. he made a big deal about me being on time and showing up. i was even five minutes early. i sat there for twenty and he never showed. i looked for him and to no avail, couldn't find him.

so i went home.

hopefully i'll be able to put up at least the sketches up on my deviantart page. maybe even a few on here. i've got one image inked. they all kind of poke fun at society and the things that people do. like one is making fun of the stupid little kids we get at work. we told one kid that if he really wanted excitement from the halo series then he should read the books. he looked at us like we had just told him to go running down the street stark naked screaming lines from hairspray. it was as if he had never read a book before. patrick, one of the guys i work with, then proceeded to ask me and my fellow third key if we had ever heard of this amazing rpg called outside. it has these awesome npc's and there are millions of levels. there's all kinds of new tasks and quests you can partake of. and it never plays the same.

hence the idea for the drawing.

i've got one for music, movies, tv, videogames, little girls and their 'dress', girls and their makeup, parents and their lack of discipline, kids and getting whatever they want/never having to work for anything. that sort of thing. so we'll see how that goes for me.

fuck. i need sleep.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok But that's not what gets me...It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go... Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken But I'm doin' It

Today is going to be the second hardest day of my life for me to get through. Until June 17^th. If I had known that things were going to end the way they did perhaps I would have gotten you a much better present last year. Maybe I would have spent more time with you in that god-awful place. And through all of it you understood why I couldn't bring myself to go there. You knew no matter what I loved you, even if I couldn't bring myself to be there. And now looking back, even though you understood and you forgave me, I can't help but feel like a horrible person. I regret not going to see you more. I regret not telling that teacher to shove it and that I was leaving. I should have listened to my heart. But I listened to someone else. They told me that everything would be ok, to stay where I was. And because of that I missed out on something that changed my life forever. It's been hard. I miss you. I wish you were still here/ but I know that your body just couldn't take it anymore. And I know that this is for the best. The last day I saw you, it was the happiest you looked in a long time. It was hard for me to stand there and keep my composure. I was always the rock that stood by everyone. But that was the day I crumbled. I lost my best friend, the most important person in my life. That was the day I said goodbye. I couldn't tell you how long I cried. I wanted nothing to do with anyone, I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I lived in black for a long time after that. You meant the world to me and hurt to say goodbye. Yet I was still the rock for everyone else. I put them before myself. And it's caught up with me. I can't be that rock anymore, even though I try. I didn't think this day would be so hard. I can't even imagine how the seventeenth is going to go. I'm going to be a mess. I hope you're watching me, because now is when I need you most and you aren't here.

I remember being little and thinking that you would always be around. I thought you were going to be the one to walk me down the aisle when I got married. You were invincible in my eyes. But that damn disease got to you before you got the chance to. You're body just couldn't handle it anymore. And it gave up. You lived through a world war, the great depression, sixty one years of marriage, two kids, three grandkids and all our friends, cancer, Alzheimer's, hip replacement, a pacemaker, five brothers, countless dogs, the tornadoes that hit in the fifties, three car accidents, a heart attack and a stroke. After all of that your kidneys failed, your appetite decreased, you got lethargic, you were malnourished and dehydrated because you were too stubborn to admit that something was wrong, that you were sick. It was one last heart attack that got you.

I do think that not being there for your last moments may have been a good thing though. I wasn't left with memories of you hooked up to machines with tubes sticking out of you. It leaves me with the good times. The times that you let me help you in your woodshop, teaching me how to drive on the riding lawnmower, speeding through the neighborhood on your scooter because I wanted to go faster and you always did. Even if my pigtails were whipping you in the face. I was your baby girl and you were my best friend. You were the one who taught me how to draw, the passion of my life. You introduced me to videogames simply to give me something to keep me occupied. You wanted something to shut me up when I got bored so you planted me in front of the TV and handed me a controller. We would sit in front of that old Nintendo for hours. Playing Mario and golf. We went through three Nintendo systems because we played so much. You taught me to appreciate music, to have variety in the music I listen to because no one genre is better then the other. Three of the most important aspects of my life, two of which are going to be my career, you showed to me. You taught them to me. You always believed in me when I said that I wanted to design videogames. You always said that I could do it, even if no one else thought I could. When they said that it was a male dominated field, you said so what. When they said I couldn't do it, that I'd never make it, you said yes I would. And even when it was family who doubted me, you defied them and said that I could do it, that I would do it. So here I am. Doing everything that everyone always told me I wouldn't. It hurts that you aren't here to see it, to see me proving everyone who ever doubted me wrong. Showing them that I am determined enough, I am good enough, and I can do this.

My heart breaks every time I look at Tristan and know that he never had the chance to know you. You would love him, and I'm sure that you would have spoiled him the same way that you spoiled me. He's a beautiful baby, he's strong and for his age everyone says that he's tall. I wish he could have known you. I wish that he could have had some of the same experiences with you that I did.

I've spent a lot of time thinking lately, and it's resulted in crying a lot. I miss you, and I feel like with out you I can't do half the things that I thought I could, but I know that if you could you would smack me for doubting myself. You always had faith in me and I know that you still do.

I miss you. I love you.

John "Red" Kenneth Jagielski
June 1^st 1921 – November 11^th 2006

i was called stupid a couple days ago.
normally it wouldn't bother me, but it came from my mom and she has every right to say it because this time, it's true.

i feel like i've let a lot of people down lately and the worst part is they don't even know it. nor do i know how to go about telling them, so they probably never will know.

there are only two people who currently have any clue as to what's going on, one being my mom. i highly doubt that most of you will find out. ever. there are a few people that are probably more likely to find out. the ones that are really close, but even them...

i don't know.

i don't know what to do anymore.

i find myself wishing that people would take a step out of their self absorbed worlds and actually take a look at the people that they say they care about.
there's no one in particular.
everyone just seems to be so involved in their own little worlds lately that they don't notice things staring them in the face.

it was just recently a month since grandpa's been gone. the eleventh. i really miss him. people in my family are still acting really weird about it. grandma doesn't usually realize he's gone so she always asks when he is going to be coming home and if he took a jacket with him so that he doesn't get cold. this month has been hard. people keep reminding me, and i keep seeing things that make me think of him. i wanted to go see him. but i had the flu. i was lucky i could get off the couch

we aren't making grandpa's favorite cookies this year for christmas. they remind us too much of him.

tim is getting a tattoo for him. it's gonna be a red stripe beer bottle because everyone called grandpa "red" and two pool balls. i believe the eight and the nine. the bottle label is gonna have the dates in it. i'm excited. hopefully when i see tim next i'll be able to get a picture of it.

grandma hasn't been able to remember who i am all weekend. no one listened when i told them this would happen. and now they're trying to push it all aside. trying to more or less ignore it. they still don't know why she keeps falling. she's going to the doctor today. maybe they'll be able to tell us. it's loyola. they're supposed to have an amazing neurology department. but then again they only think it's a neurological thing. so i guess if it turns out that it isn't, the best neurologist in the world wouldn't really be able to help her much.

my knee is killing me and i fear that i may have fucked it up for good this time. i still have the bruise and a lovely scar has formed. i may have to get cortizone shots. this is the least of my worries right now.

i've decided that i'm going to try and be more adamant about doing the things i say i want to. not like defying mom or anything. but you know...it makes sense in my head.

ten days til christmas. the worst part? i'm barely excited. i mean yeah i like christmas. i'm not a fuckin scrooge or anything, but i don't have money to get anyone. i mean anyone presents. i got my mom's and i split erich's with mom.

my art history final was on wednesday. as a group we got an a. i guess i should be happy. but my group originally didn't give me anything to do because i was sick. then they didn't use half the info i gave them, or they just added so much i couldn't tell what was mine and what wasn't. my portion was split with someone else, which didn't bother me but he was in a similar situation and they told us the morning of, what we had to do for the presentation. i just feel like i did a half assed job and i know i didn't, i tried but you'd never know it.

i may be dying my hair again very soon. one good thing to look forward to in the midst of things to dread.

So as some of you know i fell last week. the circumstances are no longer important as to why i fell. but i am now hobbling around on crutches becasue my knee is in that much pain. i have found muscles in my shoulders and back that i didn't even know were there. on the upside i get to take the elevator at school instead of those damned steps. so now i'm trying to stay off of it, give it a rest, but i'm finding it hard to do. i don't want to be a gimp. i mean yes people do open doors for me and make a point of not running me over at places like the train station but i like to do things on my own. mom is making me stay off it, it sucks. last week probably didn't help seeing as how i worked black friday and the two following days. i'm sure that didn't help and all i did was aggravate it. i'm not sure how long i'm gonna be on the damn crutches. at least a week, i guess until it doesn't hurt for me to walk on it, well....not to the extent that it has been. normally i can deal with my knee. this week however i can actually feel the pain through my brace and that never happens. i also haven't been able to focus on homework because it hurts that much. unfortunately there is not an over the counter pain killer that i am currently aware of that does anything for me, with the exception of bayer but i have to take like 3 and i don't want to kill my liver so i try to avoid them.

word of advice kiddies.
don't fall
and if you do, don't fall on your bad knee.