Awww!  Paris (Hilton, in case you've never read my journal before) and I are suffering from a cold at exactly the same time!  What were the chances of that in December?  Could this be kismet (whatever that is when it's breaking into someone's home)?  Anyway, awful as a cold is, it's nice to have something in common apart from us both liking Dexter, Lost and Inglourious Basterds, both being known to watch horror movies on occassion, both being Aquarians, both loving her and both having a love of buying more shiny things.  Could any potential couple be a more perfect fit (of course if we both hate being around sick people maybe that would be a dealbreaker at the moment *g*)?

Having a cold meant that going for the swine flu vaccination yesterday was a complete waste of time (apart from being able to buy more Lemsip and Paracetamol at the chemists).  They re-scheduled it to January.  So if I somehow manage to get swine flu in an empty room and die before then and the Punisher is looking for someone to blame then maybe he'll read this *g*  Apparently people with asthma aren't supposed to take Lemsip according to the chemist, but I've had no problems in the past and besides, life is for the living - not me.

Started writing a pilot story for a potential series of loose fantasy adventures based on the Warhammer world.  *roll tumbleweed*  Lately I never seem to finish anything I start though but at least I'll only be disappointing one reader if I never finish anything again.

Finally got round to getting Father Ted on DVD.  Not only is this the finest sit-com ever (presumably named because they all take place in bed-sits *g*) but for me it's one of the greatest TV shows ever, right up there with the likes of The Prisoner (original of course), Twin Peaks, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, new Battlestar Galactica and Babylon 5.  Had to give up half way through the commentary on the Paris-mas special though.  It's one thing to be critical and find faults with your own work, but jeez does Graham Linehan not go on (he's probably the most dismissive critic there actually is of the bloody thing!) and it doesn't help that he keeps giving up on finding anything to say about the episode and just starts getting random (maybe you shouldn't have agreed to do the commentary if you won't even make an effort).

If you're the kind of person that's happy to stare longingly at Diane Kruger, looking like she needs a hug, for 80 odd minutes then Frankie (2005) is for you (thumbs up from me then!).  Otherwise, maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't but if anything about documentary style shoestring budget art movies, fragmented story telling and the stresses of being a model sounds like it isn't for you then it most definitely isn't.  I liked the haunting soundtrack which had a similar feel to some of Milla Jovovich's music.  Interesting that the film was shot in little bits and pieces over a few years and the director's self funding, with Diane coming back to film bits in between her Hollywood career.  Although I only watched it for Diane anyway, I can't help feeling that they picked the wrong actress to play someone who's considered past their modelling prime.  I know the modelling business might be a bit ageist and all that but I'm sure plenty of other women over 25 do continue to get solid work (or even continue to be highly sought after) if they're that dynamic looking (including model/actresses like Milla Jovovich and Rebecca Romijn).  Hated the seeming attempts by the modelling industry to turn their women anorexic too.  I mean if someone who looks like Diane Kruger gets made to feel fat and bad about her body, then you know it's time for the people responsible to be skinned alive and hung from the rafters (serve the fat bastards right!).  As a lover of women (one sided as that relationship absolutely is), I for one don't want to see them turn into living skeletons or starve themselves trying (and I wouldn't buy anything that poor unfortunates like that were advertising).

Although I'm generally loyal in my appreciation, some girls tend to move up and down a bit in my interests/enthusiasm over how much they've been on my radar in general.  So here are the 5 women I've been lusting after the most consistently over the last year and a look at some fresh young things who have only recently made a memorable appearance on my radar (is that what I'm calling it nowadays *g*).

TOP FIVE HOTTEST GIRLS OF THE YEAR!

#1 Paris Hilton
Obviously there's no change there because you can't beat perfection.  The most adorable girl in the world!









#2 Diane Kruger
She may not be #1 but anyone who thinks she isn't worth a thousand ships is obviously blind!









#3 Keeley Hazell
Via calendar, I've been getting dates from Keeley for 3 years now, but all good things...







#4 Lucy Pinder
I've been seeing Keeley and Lucy every day this year, but I wonder how much they'll stay on my radar when I have no calendars next year.







#5 Marisa Miller
Someone I only started paying attention to last year, but I've been making up for lost time.








FRESH YOUNG THINGS

(in no particular order)

Sienna Miller
I only really sat up and took notice of her for her appearance as The Baroness in the G.I. Joe movie.  She looks like and shares the surname of Marisa Miller, but it seems to be just a coincidence.




Courtney Ford
Courtney added the nude sex scenes quotient to season four of Dexter and looked especially, irresistably cute when her character got upset.



Odette Yustman
Cute as a button and sexy as hell walking around in her underwear in the horror movie The Unborn.




Melanie Laurent
Revenge is beautiful (often tragically so)!




Katie Featherston
Star of Paranormal Activity.  Cute and buxom.



Arielle Kebbel
I never took any notice of her at all in a plain role in The Grudge 2 but she looks good in a bikini in The Uninvited (even if the movie itself was one of those times when a stupid twist ending ruined the rest of the movie).





There.  Now there really is no excuse for anyone else to feel lonely at night either ;)

I think someone may be trying to blackmail me!  Look what I got in the post today:



*gulp*  Whatever could they mean?

Inglourious Basterds 5/5
While liking this movie, I had mixed feelings on first viewing.  On DVD and a second viewing however, everything is fine.  The comedy and drama elements mix more seamlessly.  Melanie Laurent, Diane Kruger and Christoph Waltz give compelling performances.  It's a pity that you don't see some more examples of the Basterds in action (maybe a Outlaw Josey Wales style montage) and some logistics of the big finale are a bit confusing (as to whether some characters had an escape plan or not).  Overall though it's brilliant.  I particularly love Shosanna's line to the German soldier that he should look for a nice French girlfriend in Vichy, lol.  Disturbing looking at comments on IMDB though and seeing how many people don't seem to know their history about Nazi atrocities and apply idiotic "moral relativism" and equate enjoying the death of fictional Nazi villains with somehow being as bad as the real Nazis.  This is what happens when children are starved and have to eat their own brains!

Happy-Go-Lucky 4/5
A sort of British version of Amelie.  Sally Hawkins' character sometimes struck me as more hyperactive and incapable of ever shutting up rather than genuinely happy go lucky and she could be annoying and draining at times (her first driving lesson for example).  Overall though I did find myself warming to her (although I think it would be impossible to be around someone like that all the time!) and the movie left me with a good feeling and good wishes to her.  Although mostly breezy, both the movie and it's main character did sometimes show a more serious side and a confrontation near the end was quite a shock after all the hilarity that preceded it.  For people who enjoy a lighter movie or a episodic character piece.

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra 4/5
I enjoyed this a lot more on DVD than I did just watching it online.  There's plenty of fun action scenes, hot chicks (who even fight each other :D), a number of cool weapons and gadgets and some decent destruction/explosions.  'Nuff said!

Public Enemies  2.5/5
Considering how many great movies both Johnny Depp and Christian Bale have managed to be in, this movie was a disappointment.  The trailer and subject matter made it look exciting and epic.  Personally I found the movie had a dreary, ponderous and uninvolving tone/feel that stopped me getting drawn in to anything that happened.  There's some decent action but it's not a patch on that perfect classic Bonnie & Clyde for similar subject matter.  Scenes like Marion Cotillard's forceful interrogation may well have been powerful or had impact under another director, but Last Of The Mohicans and an okay Ali biopic aside, I've just never really been all that impressed with Michael Mann (give me Walter Hill anyday!).  Hell, he even managed to make his own creation Miami Vice into one of the emptiest and pointless movies I've ever seen.  This isn't a terrible movie and I hope it improves on second viewing but something is very lacking from what it should have been.

Mad Max 5/5
I hadn't seen this movie in a while but it's as brilliant as ever.  I love the big car chase at the beginning and the biker villains are a pleasingly nasty bunch.  Goose was a cool character for the first movie and I love Max's brand of rough justice at the end of the movie.  A deserved cult classic for action fans who don't need CGI or other modernities.  Of course, it seems to have had something of a direct influence on the second film version of The Punisher (particularly with what happens to wives and children).  I still fondly remember renting movies like this from video stores (and usually the family only having a black and white TV to watch them on).

Wicker Park 4/5
It's been sometime since I saw the French original L'Appartement, but memory tells me it was a bit more complicated (with an explosive extra subplot that's only slightly touched on here).  This US version probably isn't a better movie but it does fine in it's own right.  I think the characters are probably more sympathetic and it's a warmer and more involving movie than the more intellectual original (I think this version is the story of a man in love with a woman, whereas the same character in the French version seemed weak and prone to changing his mind every five minutes as to what woman he actually wanted).  It may be slightly overlong and the near misses, third party interference and mixed messages can get frustrating after a while.  Overall it's a pretty good romantic movie with a healthy dash of thriller and mystery.  Some people might not like the changed ending from the original but I think it works for this particular telling.  Apart from having seen the original a few years back, my main point of interest in seeing the movie was Diane Kruger (the one and only reason to even bother watching National Treasure in my worthless opinion), who was gorgeous, radiant and goddesslike throughout.  Some people on IMDB, compare her unfavourably against the French film's Monica Belluci but I'll take Diane anyday and could understand someone getting obsessed with her from first sight.  Liked the Fellini joke (maybe she should have given her shoe size as La Dolce Vita, lol!) and I loved the restaurant confrontation near the end.

All Time Favourites:

All Time Favourite Weepies
Spartacus, Gladiator, Braveheart.

All Time Favourite Action Movies
Django, Death Race 2000, Bonnie And Clyde.

All Time Favourite Comedies
Girl Interrupted, American Psycho (hardly strictly comedies but both movies have made me laugh far more consistently and reliably than anything else I can think of - they're comfort food).

The following entry includes my official gift want list because I know everyone loves to buy me presents!

GIFT LIST!   


Django Morgan Bater-man was stumbling, unshaven through the tie racks in Paul Smith, when he received a call on his cell phone.  "Hello, Django?" the voice on the other end asked cheerfully and Django recognised it as belonging to Paris.

"You're lucky you caught me before I had a chance to go for coffee." Django informed, rubbing his hand absentmindedly over the rough contours of his unshaven cheek.  "Coffee makes me a different person.  So who knows who you would have got."

Paris giggled, even though she knew that in Django's case... he was probably being completely serious.  "Listen, nutjob!  I'm out shopping with my new friend Helen.  But there's something I really want to talk to you about.  So I was wondering if we could meet somewhere?" 

"Absolutely!" Django affirmed.  "Why don't we meet for lunch?  I think I could get us a table at Quilted Cafe."

"Well, I could get us a table at Dorsia?" Paris ventured. 

"That really hurt." Django deflated, thinking about all those failed attempts to get a table at Dorsia on his own steam.  "I'd much prefer if you left the arrangements to me, pussycat.  My name opens doors, baby!  Talk to you in a little while.  *smooch*"

Hanging up, Django felt reminded of why he was actually in Paul Smith in the first place.  Now why couldn't all the alcohol in his brain have done that half an hour ago?  Django clicked his fingers at a store employee.  "I'm hoping you can help me.  I'm looking for one of those Canalino goose-down sleeping bags?"

"Which size, sir?" the store employee enquired.

Django thought about it.  "Hmmm... About Paul Allen or maybe Paul Owen sized." he suggested helpfully.

The store employee looked at Django with some confusion.  "But surely Paul Allen and Paul Owen are dead, sir?"

Django rubbed his brow, feeling a panic attack coming on.  "You're right!  I don't know what I was thinking.  I'll get my secretary Jean, who loves me by the way, to handle it."

****

An hour later, at McDonalds.  Paris swirled a French fry around a tub of tomato ketchup before popping it into her mouth.  Django couldn't help noting that Paris's "new friend Helen" looked a lot like Diane Kruger.  His roving eye also couldn't help but notice just how chummy and tactile Paris and Helen were with each other.  Not that Django was jealous or anything!  "I'm sorry about the McDonalds." Django apologised awkwardly.  "It turns out that Quilted Cafe was fully booked.  This was the best I could do at short notice."

"What?" Paris looked around and shrugged.  "This is fine, Django.  Look, I worked a lot of worse places for The Simple Life!"

"Is that one of Menelaus's friends?" Helen started to look more than a little jumpy, as she nervously scanned the other tables.

Paris turned to Helen with firm concern.  "Would you just relax!"  She turned to Django.  "Menelaus is Helen's husband.  He doesn't like us hanging out or spending time together."

"Ah!" Django couldn't help saying in a suggestive manner, which prompted Paris to throw a French fry at him.  Django looked at Helen with curiosity.  "So Helen, are you a fan of The L Word too?"

Helen blushed a little and made a quick sideways glance at Paris.  "Depends who you watch it with."

"I so agree!" Django smiled.  "Paris and I watch it all the time."

"Quit it, Bater-man!" Paris scowled.  "Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk with you.  Paris-mas is coming up soon and... Look, I'll be honest.  Girls are easy to buy presents for because I can just buy them all girly things, but I'm not sure what to get you this year.  I was hoping you might have some ideas on something you'd really want."

Django smiled, touched by Paris's sincere desire to please him.  "Well, actually..." Django fished in his pockets, "I've written out a wish list to give to anyone who asked just that."  Django placed the list on the table and turned it round for Paris to see (and now you can see it too, so you'll know what to buy me).

Django's Wish List:

A Set Of Kitchen Knives.
A Chainsaw.
Extra Rolls Of Duck Tape.
Leather Gloves.
Anaesthesia.

Paris began to read softly, delicately.  Django was entranced by the movement of her lips.  Helen noticed the fact and smiled knowingly.  Perhaps a little too knowingly.  She returned her own gaze to the list.

"I really wish you'd find yourself a new hobby." Paris sighed.

"What about something like a ski mask?" Helen suggested helpfully.  "I'm betting that could be really useful too."

"That might be helpful." Django admitted.  He didn't want to appear amateurish to Paris's new friend though.  "But I have a hockey mask." Django lied.

"But you don't even play hockey!" Paris rolled her eyes. 

"Didn't you used to play ice hockey?" Helen asked Paris. 

Paris giggled.  "A long time ago in high school."  Paris looked at Django.  "So, what have you been up to since we last hooked up?"

"Mostly just watching movies and feeling depressed."  Django looked at Helen.  "So, what do you do, Helen?"

"I run my own shipping company." Helen replied.

"She owns a thousand ships." Paris boasted on her friend's behalf.  "Isn't that adorable?"

"Adorable... yes." Django thought.  "Hey, I just got Inglourious Basterds on DVD.  Wanna watch it at my apartment?"

Helen was dubious.  "Doesn't that come out on Monday?"

"It does." Django affirmed with a smile.  "But what can I say?  Amazon must love me!"

"I love that movie!" Paris purred, obviously tempted by the offer... And the moment was gone.  "But no!" Paris shook her head.  "Helen and I are going away for the weekend together.  Somewhere where Menelaus won't find us.  We have to pack some things."

"Can I come too?" Django asked hopefully.

"Sorry, Django." Paris smiled apologetically.  "Girls only."  She began to get up.  "Thanks for taking us to lunch though.  We'll talk soon.  Promise."

"Maybe the next time." Helen added with a wink.

"Well... Will you at least videotape it for me?" Django persisted.

"Django!" Paris threw a bunched up cheese burger wrapper at him.  "Don't be a pig!"

"Nice meeting you!" Helen waved, taking a last nervous look around before they hurried out.

Django looked skyward and growled under his breath at Little Red Riding Hood (who was supposed to answer all prayers).  "Thanks for nothing!"

Paranormal Activity  4/5
I really enjoyed this one.  Not quite one of the best or scariest horrors I've ever seen, but far from the weakest in either category either.  The movie uses a similar fake "found footage" gimmick that served the inferior Blair Witch Project so well, but I much prefer this one (as it actually provides enough of the scares and events, rather than just have a bunch of people running in circles and screaming about nothing).  I tend to get creeped out by ghost stories anyway, even when I know they're fake and disproven but again, this one isn't as scary as some of the classics.  The boyfriend is one of those wannabe alpha male idiots who can't even see what he's doing wrong and thinks he'll be forgiven just a few seconds later.  Katie Featherston is pretty (in that ordinary girl way, rather than a Hollywood Sex Goddess or SuperModel style) and I found her pretty easy to watch.  Not quite as scary as the similar Ghost Watch (which managed to unnerve me even seeing it years after the hype on YouTube), but it held my interest throughout and there are creepy moments and a growing feeling of stress and tragedy as the events grow more threatening.  It won't be to all tastes though and I know some people will just yawn through it or complain about watching someone's home videos.

My Little Eye 3.5/5
Not bad indie (ie "lowkey") horror involving the contestants of a reality show for the internet, having to stay in middle of nowhere house.  Stylistically effective and creepy in places.  Another one that held my interest but might be a snore for others.  The end isn't all that great and overall it's the feel and style and the first hour of the movie that impresses the most, rather than later plot developments.  Bradley Cooper from Alias makes a small guest appearance.  Certainly much better than Halloween: Resurrection, lol!

Star Trek (2009) 5/5
I really enjoyed this reboot of the original characters.  It's basically The Muppet Babies let loose on a Star Wars-fied Star Trek universe and it works well.  Plenty of jokes and enjoyable character moments and a decent amount of action.  It's a lot of fun and with it's more rock 'n' roll take on the characters and settings, manages to avoid a lot of the sentimental mawkishness and over reverence that's been dragging the Trek franchises to the grave for at least a decade.

X Men Origins: Wolverine 4/5
Enjoyable super hero action with shades of Commando.  Wolverine slashes his way through a story of revenge and brotherly rivalry that's perhaps not all it seems at the start.  There's a good amount of decent action, some cool characters (even if some are just cameos or don't last long) and who doesn't love Wolverine (oh, shut up :P)?  Not the most memorable of movies but fun while it lasts.

Friday The 13th (remake) 3.5/5
Not particularly memorable reboot of the slasher franchise, but still enjoyable enough if you're in a slasher mood.  Starring that House Of Wax/Supernatural guy who's friendly enough to Paris's face when he stars alongside her, but is happy enough to go along with interviewers' fed "oh no not her!" type insults at her expense in between, in order to curry favour with the haters no doubt (a problem in the spine area perhaps?).  On screen he's a likable enough lead.  There's a fair share of hot women on display (I liked the two blondes and their "stupendous" tits the best) and it's well enough made.  Not as memorable as the aforementioned House Of Wax or the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake though and not quite as fun as the original Friday The 13th entries.  Average is the best way to describe it, but if you love a good slasher or are a Jason fan then it's still worth a look and you may well have a ball.  Enjoyable and competent, with some nice scenes but not quite the classic it could have been.

Last House On The Left (2009) 4.5/5
Despite being quite familiar with the original's reputation, I've never actually seen it.  I was surprised at just how well made this remake was though, compared to the "all flash, little substance" horror remakes that tend to dominate (the awful Black Christmas, the interesting but confused and uneven Halloween etc).  It's pretty serious and mature throughout.  It's also pretty harrowing viewing (although it probably won't satisfy sadists) with horrible adult subject matter and I certainly don't recommend it to everyone (especially those of sensitive disposition).  The mother and the two teenage girls are all beautiful.  There's also another female who had a very uncanny resemblance to Juliet Landau in the movie (who seems to have no problems with stripping off in a few scenes and has a good body too) and if you've ever wanted to see Juliet naked then her doppleganger might just please you.  There's a similar bleak tone as there was in Straw Dogs (or Ingmar Bergman's The Virgin Spring).  There's no getting around that some very unpleasant things happen to young women in the movie but the second half had me rooting for the parents all the way when they do what anyone would surely want to do under the circumstances.  The movie is well acted and while not exactly what I'd class as "entertainment" in the conventional sense, it delivers as drama and as a study of a nightmare situation.

Who sleeps in bed next to you?
If we're talking in my imagination... Let's just call her "Paige Edwards" right now out of respect for her privacy and right not to be associated with my yearnings.

What kind of books do you read?
I'm most likely to read classic literature (that's not being pretentious - I just don't know what else to call it), hardboiled crime, biographies and historical books.  Recently I've started reading some fantasy too (Warhammer and Conan) and sometimes read the odd graphic novel or comic collection.  Although I'm not as keen as I was in my youth, I can still be interested in true crime too.  At the moment I'm reading Bret Easton Ellis's American Psycho and enjoying re-reading James Ellroy's The Big Nowhere and occassionally dipping into Faye Dunaway's autobiography.

If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
I don't have any particular desire to be anywhere because experience and reality has taught me that there's nothing good out there waiting for me, so I'd rather just have my ticket punched.  I certainly know I wouldn't be missed and people would do just fine without me.  Most people have deserted me or successfully alienated themselves from me anyway and I'm always wary of new people because I've seen how hateful and inconsiderate so many people are (no matter what mask they may wear early on).

When is your best friend's birthday?
17th February.

What's your current fandom / obsession / addiction?
Paris Hilton, Dexter, V, American Psycho, James Ellroy, Battlestar Galactica, Katrina & The Wave's debut album.

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Sometimes I don't want to spend too much time on the internet.  I usually briefly check Yahoo Mail, GMail, Twitter, ParisHiltonSite.Net, Paris Hilton Online, LiveJournal and sometimes MySpace and FaceBook.

If you could have any pet, what would it be?
I'm a cat person.

What do you want right this minute, off the top of your head?
I'd like for there to be those places like a character visited in Soylent Green, where you can just go to sleep in a relaxing, tranquil environment and have no more worries.

Are there any bits of childhood that you miss?
Quite a lot of it.  Like the expectation that life would make sense and you'd have your place in the world when you grew up.

My username is ______ because ______.
My LiveJournal, Twitter and MySpace username is Spickey Millane because I wanted to distance myself from the character of Django that I use in my stories.  I adopted Spickey Millane as my writer's name as a homage to the pulp crime writer Mickey Spillane (who it turns out, not everyone has heard of) because I had plans to reinvent my story series in a more hardboiled fashion when I opened my latest LiveJournal (that was the plan).

My name is _____ because ______.
My name is Scott, because my mother named me after a singer called Scott Walker.

My default userpic is ____ because ____.
My default userpic on LiveJournal is currently one of Russell Crowe as Bud White in the movie version of James Ellroy's L.A. Confidential, because it fitted in with the hardboiled theme I was going with for my proposed new stories and I loved that character in both the movie and book (tough in a way that I could never be and an avenger of beaten or murdered women).

No Desperate Housewives this week :(  But this week's episode of Dexter completely made up for it.

Spoilers Follow!

Ever since the episode where Lundy got shot, I had considered reporter Christine ("The Strawberry Girl"?) as a possible shooter (because of her "If you dump me you'll be sorry!" bunny boiling moment with Quinn in the same episode).  But I was completely unprepared for the "Hi, dad!" surprise at the end of the episode that gives her a proper motive and storyline for the show.  I liked the scene between Christine and Debra earlier in the episode.  It had that ring of "if she's not the shooter then she's definitely going to be killed in this episode" to it, which would have been a predictable TV cliche and not the out of the blue revelation that we really got.  Debra and Masouka were cool as always and I liked Rita's kids in the episode too (especially Astor being right about Thanksgiving, lol!).  Trivia Note: Usually I forget what Julie Benz is actually called on this show and just refer to her as Darla *g*  Dexter's thanksgiving with the Mitchell family was gripping TV and John Lithgow did a brilliant job of portraying a complete monster, even worse than initially anticipated.  This is a man for whom having "the perfect family" has made him even more of a monster, rather than less.  I think most people would prefer an imperfect family to increase the chances of them becoming quite as fucked up as this one was revealed to be.  The daughter looks like she could pass for older than 15 though.  Just sayin'!  There have already been cracks revealed in Arthur Mitchell's good guy and perfect family man facade of course (next week I'm guaranteed to have forgotten his name and will just call him John Lithgow as usual *g*), but I didn't expect the whole facade to be laid quite so bare in just one episode.  Although you didn't actually see much, the scene where Arthur broke his son's finger was completely brutal and hard to watch.  The escalation of tension was a masterpiece and I loved it when the son finally exploded at his father ("the son also rises" as they say) and Dexter's eventual confrontation where he came close to losing it completely himself.  A 5/5 episode and much of what transpired just makes me want to see the next episode right now!  Minor Complaint: If they were going to linger on Christine coming out of the shower like that, couldn't they at least have made a 3D episode?

For some time now I haven't even been bothering trying to watch anything on TV because my reception went away.  Last night though, Friday The 13 Part III was on and I hadn't seen it since the mid 1980s, so it was time to roll up my sleeves, ask people if I looked like John Wayne and give it another go.  Thankfully for once it worked.  I had to plug in my video recorder and only ITV and Channel 4 have proper (in colour) reception.  I usually don't plug in my video because it started doing a silly thing where the clock keeps slowing down and couldn't be relied upon.

I told Paris that we'd be watching a really tres cool Friday The 13th movie in 3D.  She was still angry with me because of what daft Shareen said, but my charm worked on her.  Well actually she said she was really desperate to hide from her other boyfriend Doug in case he made her watch more dumb, boring football on TV (and she gets frequent flier miles anyway).  And unlike mean old Doug, I don't keep going on about baseball and I don't force her to use a plate when she's eating crackers on my side of my bed.  Secretly I think that with Jason being on the prowl that Paris wanted to be around me to feel safe (awww!), because everyone knows I'm well 'ard and don't even cry when I get a paper cut.

So, what was the movie like, I hear you ask?  Well, as the more cultured and elite types among you will know, Friday The 13th movies are always lots of fun and just full of unpredictable surprises (even right from the start!).  Of course I hadn't seen this movie in a while and so I totally thought Jason was dead for good when it showed you him being killed at the end of the previous movie (called Friday The 13 Part II I think - some movie book would be able to tell you).  So I thought this movie would be a bit rubbish with people not being killed and stuff.  Shareen of course said I was daft but I swear I saw surprise on her face when it turned out that Jason was still around in this movie too.  And I completely did not expect that dead guy to get thrown through the window like that when the lead girl was all alone.  I won't spoil what happens for those who haven't seen it, but I think it's fair to say that Jason really is dead for good this time and there's no way he can come back from that (Shareen says I am spoiling it - why does she have to be so thick?).  Let's just say that what happens to him is somewhat similar to what's supposed to have happened to Paul Allen (and possibly Paul Owen) in New York, but of course I wouldn't know anything about that.  Shareen thinks I'm well thick for thinking this is the last movie because apparently I've watched most of the other ones too.  But I don't think so!  I mean really, what are they going to call the next one - Friday The 13th: The One After Jason Gets Killed?  Watch the end again, Shareen!  Although I do feel that it's a series that could have run and run and run, perphaps it's best that they ended it so early on and didn't end up having to resort to stunt casting like Crispin Glover or Elizabeth The Star Child to keep people interested (Shareen says she thinks she remembers one where Jason goes to New York but why the hell would he go somewhere where he'd obviously have nothing in common with the rest of the people?).

We got interrupted in the middle of the film when Elisha Cuthbert called Paris on her cellphone.  Apparently she'd heard that Jason was on the loose again killing people and was scared to be alone.  Paris told her that that was what she got for going off and leaving Paris in the middle of nowhere in House Of Wax.  Quite right too and obviously what goes around comes around!  I took the phone off Paris and told Elisha in no uncertain terms that I don't care if her daddy is Jack Bauer, you don't phone people in the middle of watching a film (and I hope the anti-capital punishment people are proud of the lawlessness they encourage in others)!

I didn't quite enjoy it as much as I did when I was a kid, but that might have been because of commercial breaks making the movie twice as long as it needed to be.  Plus, the 3D gave me headaches because I didn't have any 3D glasses to put on (you only get two pairs with the My Bloody Valentine DVD and Paris and Shareen overpowered me and took them off me - no wonder some people hate feminism so much!).  Even without the glasses there was still quite a bit of danger from all sorts of things poking out of the screen at hazardous angles.

Overall though, it was a riproaring ride.  I was a bit disappointed though.  It's supposed to be a 3D movie right?  And there's this scene where one of the super fit girls takes off her clothes and goes for a shower, right?  So why didn't they make proper use of the technology and have her actually turn to the camera for a 3D shot (it's alright for them to try to poke our eyes out with everything from rakes to flying eyeballs after all!).  I took a tissue out of the box for nothing!  And now I'm going to have to wait until I catch a cold or something :(  Such a waste of the 3D technology that Little Red Riding Hood helped someone to invent (while sticking a big biscuit in Darwin's mouth to shut him up!)  I think this movie was very irresponsible to hetero male viewers and lesbians and if I was seeing it at the cinema I would complain! 

Anyway, that's my thoughts on what was mostly a very fine film.  I'd have given it five out of five if they had used the 3D properly, but because they didn't I'll give it zero but recommend that everyone still see it anyway.  And I'm starting to think that they should hire me to give DVD commentaries because I'd love to be part of bringing classic cinema to the masses.

Anyway, after that for some silly reason, the girls still weren't convinced that Jason was really dead and didn't want to go home.  And then Paris played Saints Row 2 for way too long on the Playstation 3 and got one of her headaches, so she made me sleep on the floor next to Shareen (who wouldn't shut up talking about David Tennant and Matt Smith while I was trying to sleep) :( 

I hope you lot flippin' well enjoyed yourselves with whatever you were doing!

It's funny (yeah, hilarious!) that even about 23 years after I first saw the last ever episode of V: The Series, that when I watch it again I would still love to see the next episode and find out what happened next (yes, I know about the summary of the unmade next episode on some websites).  I'd still love for there to have been a continuation of that storyline. 

Of course that's when I got peace to actually watch it!  Tried watching the last episode with me best mate Shareen at her house.  All I said was that Diana looked well fit in the last episode and so Shareen had to start going on about how fit Marc Singer was in them days.  So I told her to shut up.  And then Shareen told me to shut up and punched me.  So I punched her back and then Shareen told her dad and I got kicked out and had to walk home.  That's when I realise that I left my precious DVDs back at her house and had to go back and apologise (had my fingers crossed behind my back of course 'cause I'm well clever, me!)! 

That's when Shareen told me that she'd hacked my Twitter account and sent a message to Paris telling her I think she has silly hair (which of course, I don't!) and told Spider The Punk that I wanted to fight him outside the chip shop (which of course, I don't!).  So now Paris won't talk to me anymore and Spider and his mates from The Exploited are all out looking for me.  Naffin' hell!

This always happens!  All I wanted was for to have an intelligent discussion about the last episode of V and Shareen had to go and spoil it by being well thick!  I wish I had some really intelligent and like sofisticated friends (more like me!) and then thickie Shareen would be well sorry *fume*

Er, anyone want to go to the chip shop for me?

Spoiler Warning: There are spoilers in some bits of this post which may spoil the surprise on a second or third reading.  Proceed with caution...

Alleyway

I'm walking down an alleyway one night when come across yet another bum with a "STAVING - PLESE HELP" sign, the ink of which, I can't help noticing, clashes rather jarringly with the cardboard box he's sitting on.  My disgust threatens to overwhelm my sympathy but something, perharps Little Red Riding Hood finally answering my prayers to make me a better person, forces me to talk to this bum instead.

"Are you cold?" I ask conversationally.  "Hungry, perhaps?"  I start to lose my patience with the conversation already.  "Here's the thing though.  If you're cold and hungry, why don't you get a job?  That way you wouldn't have to mug helpless opera goers at gun point, make vengeful orphans and develop phobias about giant bats."  The bum looks at me with pitying eyes.  "What's your name?" I ask, more gently now.

"David... David Ninenant." the bum sobs pitifully.  "I almost had a job." he starts to explain.  "I was going to be the tenth incarnation of the Doctor.  But they gave it to someone with a... with a better name!  I've been hungry ever since."

"That's too bad." I sigh sadly, reaching into my pocket for my wallet.  "Here's an idea though.  Why not get your name changed by deed poll to David Elevenant?  That way you have a head start for the next time an actor leaves the show.  In the meantime, here's a hundred dollars.  Go buy yourself a toy Dalek or something."

"Oh thank you!  Thank you!" the bum gets excited now, jumping up and down on his cardboard box.  "You're a kind man!"  I nod awkwardly and walk away, leaving the bum... no, man to his newfound life of happiness and fulfilment.  I don't see the "man" now transform himself into the evil form of John Simm - The Master himself!  "Heh heh heh!" the Master chuckles with grim menace.  "What you don't know, my overgenerous friend, is that one more Dalek and an extra fifty dollars is all I need to put my masterplan into action.  Your world is doomed, heh heh heh!"  Then the Master finds himself on the verge of tears, as he remembers that toy Daleks are likely to cost at least sixty dollars in the toy stores around New York.  Oh wait, here's Patrick Bateman.  Maybe he'll be in a generous mood...

Limo Ride To Deck Chairs

We're in a chauffeur driven limousine on our way to a dinner engagement with some of our - alright, my - friends.  I am dressed in the height of fashion - Roger Delgado as The Master "You Will Obey!" t-shirt, jeans from George and silver moonboots I stole from the last Cybermen invasion.  Paris is wearing one of those expensive dresses that top fashion designers always send her for free.  Already it's got spaghetti bolognese and chocolate milkshake stains, however slight.  Maybe we shouldn't have had an early dinner together.  I look out the limo window and absent mindedly wonder if the chinese dry cleaners - twenty blocks from my apartment in the West Side - will have those bothersome cranberry juice stains out of my Damned debut album t-shirt.  Let that be a warning to any of my fellow yuppies contemplating going teetotal for one night (and I don't care how many cool kids are doing it).

Paris is looking somewhat horrified at the news updates on her cell phone.  "There's a chainsaw massacre going on right now in Paris, Texas!" she explains.

"That's terrible." I pretend to concede.  "However... who really gives a rat's ass?"

"Django!" Paris punches me on the shoulder with her usual annoyance at my lack of interest in the problems of the real world.  "I have fans there.  That affects us!"

"Oh, that affects us?" I grin.  "What about the Great Earth-Draconian War?  Doesn't that effect us too?"

"Darling," Paris gives a superior smirk, "the Doctor Who DVD line is so not the same thing!"

"Fine.  Send a fruit basket." I suggest, helpfully.  "But don't put my name on the card."  

"Why couldn't we just go to Dorsia?" Paris asks, totally changing the topic before she has to send me to hospital with a fractured skull, before we even make our destination.  "I thought you loved me and only wanted the best for me?" 

I lean forward in my usual condescending, corrective habit that everyone around me has learned to ignore.  "Sweetheart, I do love you.  But Dorsia," I say "is so twenty seconds ago!  It's time to live and revel in the now!"

If Paris doesn't buy this and knows the real reason why it could never be Dorsia when I'm doing the booking, then she's too much of a diplomat to let on.  Much!

"Honestly, you'll love Deck Chairs!" I try to persuade.  "Their raddichio with free-range squid and the monkfish ragout with violets is simply to die for!  It's California classic cuisine at it's finest!"

Paris is not impressed.  "Oh, Django!  I came to New York to get away from L.A. for a while!  Especially the California cuisine!"

"But you'll love the place!" I continue to insist.  "Not only do they make you sit in actual deck chairs that could collapse on you at any moment but... rather than serve food, it's all buried under the sand for you to dig out yourself." 

Paris is openly glaring now.  "Sand in my food?  That's what you booked for us!  Do they still sell those 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirts?"

Now lest this veiled dig at my good self should strike you as particularly cruel, perhaps I better explain the very special arrangement that Paris and I have with each other.  It is agreed that with the entire rest of the world, Paris will be the very picture of charm, sweetness, generosity, charity, down to earthness, friendliness and grace.  The perfect girl.  And I will be the one person whom Paris can be evil around if she feels like having someone to abuse, berate or kick the complete and utter shit out of.  And of course, I could never say no to Paris in a million years.  This is a somewhat beneficial arrangement for both of us (and Paris did pay my hospital bills for me once... on the week Hilary Clinton didn't get elected).  On my end of the bargain, Paris has agreed to make a doctor's appointment to see about those mysterious "headaches" that she tends to get on evenings out with me (and also when we find out we both have the same free afternoon).

"But it gets excellent reviews!" I point out.  "New York Magazine described it as," and I quote "Urk... bring me some more water... bleurk!"  Paris has her sad face on.  "My friends will be there!" I play my trump card.

Paris scowls.  "Does Christie ever actually say anything?"

"Of course!" I exclaim.  "Sometimes... Not really.  Well, I don't really pay her to talk... Or to drink very fine chardonnay seemingly!  And Sabrina... Well, she's not really much of a Phil Collins fan, I guess."

"Neither are you." Paris points out.

"Yes, but Sabrina doesn't know that." I wink evilly.

Paris giggles.  "Django!  Why do you have to be so evil to the poor girl.  Isn't it bad enough that she was born... Not quite blonde?"

"Don't start going all sympathetic on the arts community." I warn benignly.  "There's plenty of decent hair care products on the market, if she wanted to fit in as a normal person."  I click my fingers.  "That reminds me, my computer wants me to score some eggtimer at The Tunnel on the way home."

Paris looks dubious.  "Eggtimer?  What does that do?"

"Really, Paris!" I shake my head.  "I know times are hard for all of us, but cancelling your subscription to New Drugs Monthly?  Eggtimer is the new popular drug of choice among the Manhattan elite computers.  It allows for them to take a simple ten second operation, like moving onto the next email and drags it out to ten minutes, much hair loss on the part of the owner and a complete systems reboot.  Anyone's computer who's anyone's computer is completely addicted to the stuff."

We sit in silence for a while.  I decide to give one of the new anecdotes I picked up.  "Do you know what Diana says about every time she meets a human being from Earth?"

Paris searches her memory.  "Diana?  Maitre d' ess at the Canal Bar?"

"No." I explain patiently.  "Diana, commander of the visitors' L.A. mothership."

"Huuuuge!" Paris exclaims, more interested.  "What does Diana say about meeting humans from Earth?"

"Diana says," I begin "that there's a part of her that when she meets a human being from Earth, wants to be real nice and sweet and treat them right..."

"And the other part?" Paris asks, stifling a yawn.

"The other half wants to know..." I continue, "what their head would look like on a stick!"  I collapse with laughter.  Paris sits and watches me curiously and then I remember that she has resistance sympathies.  Between that and her wanting poor kids to have free health care, I worry about her if there was another Liberal Witch Hunt.  "You're not still dating that Doug guy?" I ask.  I'm sure that Paris only started dating him as part of some misplaced need to do charity work.  After all, isn't that how she met me?

"I need to." Paris protests.  "He's my beard!  I don't want people to find out that I'd go out with a loser like you!"

"I'll have you know I'm quite a catch!" I protest.  "Why just in this month's Django Interrupted Magazine it said that-"

"Stop here!" Paris tells the limo driver, cutting me off.  She turns to me apologetically.  "I need to return some videotapes."

"Oh!  Well, you could return mine too."  I reach into my attache case with it's "Ronnie Rocket Loves Big Dick" and smiley face emblazoned on fashionable kiddie crayon.

Paris steadfastly shakes her head.  "I'm not paying some big fine because you've been holding onto some videotape for days, watching a Naomi Watts shower scene over and over to the point where you've worn out the tape!"

"Hey!" I hold up my arms in protest.  "I'm the child of not having seen enough Sybil Danning movies.  Give me a break."

Paris sighs in defeat.  "Fine.  Give me the tape."

I grin in triumph and hand over the offending article.  "Thank you.  And I'll just call my secretary Jean, who is in love with me, to tell her that there's one less completely demeaning task for her to do tomorrow.  By the way, are we still on for dinner with Evelyn and Courtney tomorrow?"  Paris slams the limo door.  I dial Evelyn's number.  "Hi, it's Django.  Put us down as a undecided."

Face it, Django Bater-man, when it comes to style... You're the King!