Last week I signed up to some new community sites - mostly networking for business owners. I did a quick search for other graphic/web designers, as I often do, just to see if there was anyone I knew. Haven't run across anyone yet, but I'm sure I will.

Let me preface this with: I know I am not the baddest designer on the planet... if I come across as arrogant, it's only because I am confident in my abilities but I am constantly learning and trying to get better. Even so, at my best, I know there are people who can design circles around me without much effort.

So, I'm browsing and I come across a few profiles of people calling themselves designers. Out of curiosity, I visit a few sites to see what they were working with. I hate to put ANYONE down but... DAMN. I spent about 20 seconds on one site before I ran screaming in tears from my monitor -nearly seared my retinas. Horrible. Absolutely terrible.

At first I thought - maybe they just haven't mastered their tools... but mastery of tools does not a designer make. I've been using Photoshop for almost as long as they've been making it, but I remember using GIMP and Ulead graphics programs years ago. My stuff never looked ANYTHING like what I witnessed.

I understand now why people react the way they do to my work. Things I think are "okay" blow clients away. What's worse is, these people are probably making money. Tha'sokaaaay.

As long as there are people out there doing crappy work and calling it web/graphic design, I'll always have work cleaning up the mess they've made. I get it done the right way. Only problem with that is, clients will pay those folks a chunk of change and whine about my prices. My nickel and dime days are gone.

To my people who are creatively talented and have mastered their tools for bringing it all forth - God Bless - keep doing your thing because you inspire ME. But to the people who know deep down that they aren't up to snuff and call themselves professionals? QUIT PLAYIN'. Back away from the computer and put the mouse down slowly. Bless you too - I pray you find what it is you're REALLY supposed to be doing because um... I'm thinking design is not it. Just because you can... doesn't mean you should.

There are a lot of people who can do exactly what I do - and more - and there are those who think they can do what I do. That's fine. I have been blessed with an amazing gift... and I'ma make sure I honor it by being super duper fly with it.

'Bout ta jump back and kiss myself. Mwah!

Soundtrack for this entry is James "D-Train" Williams' "Keep On"

I have always had an avid interest in psychology. In my quest for self knowledge and development, I read a lot of articles on a variety of subjects. Do these people know more than I do? Who knows. They have studied behavioral patterns, mental health issues and such...and the conclusions are interesting if nothing else. Lately I find myself revisiting loss and grief. Not only in terms of the death of a loved one; loss occurs in many relationships. Breakups, divorce, moving, etc. One thing I agree with is that there's no time limit on grieving because every individual processes their emotions differently. Occasionally we relive losses of previous relationships from years past. Sometimes we need to have closure on past relationships so that others may begin. It is said issues arise when we don't release emotions and move past these traumas to find our new normalcy. And if you know like I know, after a severe loss, nothing is the same. Everything you thought you knew no longer applies.

Anyway, I think allayall should understand that you CAN go on. Whatever it is... you will get up. Maybe not today, but maybe tomorrow. And if not then... maybe the next day. The pain may continue to haunt you and it will prove difficult at times, but you will make it through. How do I know? Because I'm a survivor just like you. When my brother killed my father and step mother in 1993, I though I would never recover. I have. It took some serious work and support, but once I accepted that my life would never be the same, I was able to keep it moving. It took years to come to grips with it, but I am HERE good people - living my life in divine order. I love my brother dearly despite what he did. I don't condone his acts but I forgive him as often as possible. I also have a close family member who's been living with HIV for over twenty years. His health deteriorates from time to time and though I worry about him and more accurately, about losing him, I pray for him, and keep keepin' on. I have been in unhealthy romantic relationships and survived sexual assualt, yet I still believe in everlasting love and that I will find the right man to truly honor and respect me. I am convinced that the key is to learn what we can from these experiences and always remember that we have choices. We can choose NOT to be defined and victimized by our pain and circumstances. We can choose joy. We can choose to get help if we need it - without shame. We can go forth and deal with all the emotions that arise from painful situations the best and healthiest way possible and... you got it: Keep Keepin' On.

You never know what people are battling until you talk to them. I think we can all be mindful and sensitive... and realize that someone standing next to you in line or on the train may be dealing with major issues. If you don't know personal tragedy, I pray you will go a long time without knowing as the pain can be debilitating. But if you do happen to find yourself in a situation, please know that you will be OK. You will likely be forever affected, but you will triumph. One foot after the other.... and before you know it you'll be walking. Don't be discouraged if you stumble or have to stop - even for a long while. Just keep getting back up.

Sometimes things are laid on my heart and I just write. This blog entry goes out to all my people going through it - whatever it is -  even if it's old pain you thought you handled years ago. Shout out to Shawn - my heart goes out to you. No time limit on that offer.

Be blessed, people.

I was listening to some R&B channel on XM Radio, when I heard Lauryn Hill's "Nothing Even Matters". My first thought was, "Oh, that's my joint", then, "Where is D'Angelo??" That was such a major album for me as far as my life soundtrack goes. But for the life of me, I can't remember who I was in love with at the time. Isn't that a shame? I'd probably have to look up the date of the album and go from there... but there was a time when I felt like that.

Got me thinking though - which is why I thought I'd blog. That song was deep to me as a chick in love because it was about being totally consumed, to the point where the world could crumble but it wouldn't mean anything. Totally unaffected. Today when I heard it, it resounded again - not because I'm in love, but because that's a good way to look at life. Not that you shouldn't care what goes on around you - it's more about focus. When you can focus completely and totally on what's positive, nothing else matters.

I'm laid back by nature, not easily flustered or angered. I've learned not to sweat the small things and deal with the big things as best I can. I guess I could have a nervous breakdown or psychotic episodes but what would that solve? I understand that some seemingly small things (to me) are very important to others but IMHO, I've noticed that a lot of us make choices that put us smack dab in the middle of drama. And we act like our problems are bigger than everyone else's. I listen to my friends and feel privileged to be trusted with intimate knowledge of their feelings and circumstances but there are times when I want to yell, "It's not that serious!" Just stoppit.

Babies die every day. Children go to bed sick and hungry. Young people are cut down in their prime. Elderly people suffer in excruciating pain because they can't afford medication or to even a visit to the doctor. People you think are "normal" struggle with mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities and poverty every day. The AIDS pandemic is out of control. I have a family member living with HIV and every time I think of everything they've endured to this point, I am humbled.

So, even though Nothing Even Matters mellowed me out initially, I find myself pissed just thinking about folks taking sh&% for granted. Taking for granted you'll wake up tomorrow. Taking people you love and who love you for granted. I am not excluding myself, but a light bulb came on and I finally realized that it isn't about me. Sure, I'm confident about who I am, what I've achieved, where I'm headed... but inordinate amounts of self importance and ego lead to trouble. I'm blessed to have lived as long as I have, and experience what I have thus far. I'm FAR from perfect but I've come to the conclusion that nothing I do matters if the reason for doing it isn't to help someone else. It doesn't even have to be a tangible result.

There are things we must do - to survive, to live, to endure - but more important is what we choose to do. Sometimes I think I know a little about everything, only to realize I know a lot about nothing. The things we often think of as major... are straight up minutia in the grand scheme of things. One thing I am certain of - I want to be of service. I choose to be of service when called. While I'm not super religious, I am spiritual and my belief is that everything I've just written is a result of my God working in my life. I was supposed to let y'all know. HE is on his job, making me into the best possible me. 

I said at the beginning of this that I'm not in love, but I am. With Jesus, with me, my people and with this life, wherever it takes me - good or bad. And trust... I will to get to the point where Nothing Even Matters - except for the gifts, blessings and opportunities He gives me. 

Can the chuuch say Amen?
Be blessed.†