you want to contain me
but you can't control me
the lessons i've learned
the shit you've reaped upon me

you were never there
you were a puppet between her thighs
you abandoned me...

so i sewed their veins of lust
into my weakened skin
wanting them to know
the kind of sin i am living in

i'm always running...

you take this knife
and drive it way deep down into my heart
i scratched your soul
you fucking tore mine apart

my mouths an open book
you found a pleasure to read
you sowed my garden of lust
just to plant the seed

you ripped my heart from my chest
just to watch it bleed
i fucking hate you...for fucking me

is this the thanks that i get?
for helping you see
that you don't need her, want her
you fucking need me

but now i am lost
so play this game with me
bury your eyes and count to ninety-three
i'm lost,
come and find me

fauxface 2009

there is so much beauty in this world...so much that at times i find myself unable to hold back tears. i invite it into myself and it lays residence for a short while until that one day when it decides to vacate. i wasn't ready to let it go but that choice was no longer up to me.

 everything that i seem to want moves further and further from my reach. (maybe it's just making way for the things that i need???) it gives me a taste and then forces me to spit it out again. i need it!,  i scream. but to them i am silent. to them, i am forgotten. isn't it only natural that i have a desire for their touch...for would i be "not human" if i didn't crave the things that i want the most? to crave the things that i have lost or what is missing from my sex life?

 just the other day i was reminded of what it feels like to be alive again with an energy inside. a feeling that i knew all to well as a child and again as a teenager...and continued on well into my 30's. and it lasted up until a force came into my life and ripped my insides out. everything that i wanted to feel or did feel for this person was not allowed. i'm sorry but i can not live as a human being and not be engaged in some sort of sadistic, sex crimeish, physical act. something that excites me, moves me, allows me to continue to burn inside. someone or something that will drive out of me my TRUE self.

sometimes i wish i could just be old and get it over with so i can stop thinking about all of the kinky, sexy, fun i should be having and just get comfortable infront of a fireplace with my needle and thread and ask my significant other if he could please pass the salt!

i love sunshine
i love warm weather
i love sparkles
i love sexy women in skimpy outfts
i love to gamble
i love to drink
i love to party
i love the night life 24/7
i always dreamed of making outfits for showgirls
i love to dance
they have an awesome market ( so i hear)
the only thing it's missing is the ocean....though i do prefer a swimming pool and they have tons of those :)
and if i wanted to see the ocean it's not too far to cali :)
i could wear an evening gown every night!
i could rent some exotic wheels and drive them around all night, up and down the strip, like they were mine...

a sudden fog covers my sight. i cannot see what i always have. my body lays dormant, feeling the moist, sweet sensation of it's dew-dripped embrace. i cannot breathe. i try to make my way through the haze that i remember... a life of lust, greed, dis-honesty & betrayl. the world thinks that i am sweet but the fog knows better. though it knows nothing about adventure or the excitement of feeling a lasting touch on my skin, it continues to roll in and while it's there, keeps me from rockin and being the true me. the slut, the whore, the game. i can not see who i am anymore. i can not see what is to cum. i am difficultly caught in something that i am hoping will pass. may this heavy air lift so that i can be my true self and so that i can see what is beyond....THE FOG

written by fauxface -just now


my inspiration: columbia crest riesling ($5.55 at Haskels right now. sweet and delicious) and a boy who is an agressive free spirt just like i use to be...before i became a lame, dissatisfied woman. cheers to ya

i just need to find a man that will stay at home with me on most nights and watch movies, make dinner, talk, laugh, cuddle, have kinky sex but unfortunatly this is not in the cards for me. all this time i have waited for him and he just simply isn't coming...

see...i gave up on a boy 6 years ago because he was going down in life while i was going up. he was the father of my child and i didn't even try to save him. he died at a young age. as a woman and the mother of his child it was my responsibilty to be there for him. to take care of him and help get him out of the shit he was in. but i didn't do anything. i let him go. i let him die.

as my punishment...i am, in this life,  never going to be granted the satisfaction of having a meaningful, true relationship. i gave up that right when i made the choice that i made. i will always be alone, feel alone and incomplete. i was given a companion, the father of my child-Mathew Johnathan Britain-he was the one i was destined to be with. he adored me and i just let him die. i let him slip away from us. i mostly will be apologizing to my daughter Asyha Jade Lee-Britain for being so selfish.

all of this, ofcourse, is a sad and sorry thing to have happen to someone like me. someone whom throughout my entire life has just dreamed of finding a true companion. a man who will stick around and rule and amaze me. this will now be taken in place by my daughter...she is all of those things...but the touch of a man fills a completely different space in my body and in my heart and soul. i will always have her but my heart will still be without the love of a man. and my body will be with out his wanted touch and people wonder where i hide all of my sadness. ???i need a hug.

know that when he or she is not at work that they are at practice. and if he or she is not at practice they are playing a gig. this in turn wears he or she out and will be sleeping when ever he or she can. there will be no time for sex...unless your musician friend is a slut and will be willing to do it anywhere. once again...my advice for dating a musician...only do it if you are ok with spending alot of time on your own....or....just simply join the band, quick learn the songs and how to play the guitar and he or she will then know that you are alive and that you have a pulse. for me... this is a lose/lose situation for i am female and apparently cant rock as hard as a male can nor can i afford a sex change at this moment in time....who would want to be a guy any who??? they suck. insensitive jerk offs

good luck to all of you sad bastards that are dating someone who rocks!

so, i just turned 35 and i'm taking a look at my life. i am no where near where i wanted to be right now. no where near where i had dreamed. when i was a kid my mom use to take us kids to the parade of homes to look at all of the amazing, imaculate homes. (none of them were under $500,000 in price.) and as i got older, i would go alone and only tour the homes that were over $800,000. my mom use to give me Vogue magazine as a child so that i could cut out the pictures of the watches, jewelry, perfumes and gowns to make collages. I grew up looking at a magazine that promoted glamour and a slinky figure...well, alteast i got the glamour part right. with the exception that i don't have a "parade of home" type home or the sports car, or the pool in the back yard and everything i own is either broken or falling apart. I just simply wear things to death.(this includes my relationships?!)

 so i sit here and i tell myself that i have another 5 years or 10 years to get it right.till i'm 45. and by then i better atleast have my loft apartment in the city with ceiling to floor windows and a spiral staircase or my house on the beach or my log cabin mansion in the mountains, either way i've got to come up with something. i have a daughter now. a daughter that i thought was not possible for me to have. the doctors told me it wasn't ever going to be possible...boy did I prove them wrong. i am a creator of amazing things. my jewelry design has exceeded my imagination time and time again. and then it was off to making clothes. i hope this brings me some fortune as well. i have it in me to be glamourous, inventive, motivated and kind. i just haven't met the right people or persons that can help aid me in the right way to go about promoting myself or with the right ammount of funding. i believe it is that song "Send Me An Angel" that says it best cause an angel is surely what i need right about now.

i am going for employment to deliver auto parts...i'm not sure where this fits in to the glamourous life i have always dreamed of????

Why ,with my feelings, must i repress?
Why, with this life, must i have regrets?
You took me there though i asked for no ride
To heaven then hell then back again
Ripping me apart inside
So much magic, so much betrayal
Didn't any of you ever guess
That my heart and soul were frail?
I want to hide and i want to run
Why must every damn day, in my life, be filled with fun?!
I guess it is the only way that i find peace with in my skin
Unlike tonight, nothing to create in this place, nothing,
But this state that i am in.

I'm feeling homesick and I NEED my sewing machine!!! I NEVER complain so just let me do it!

 

OH MY GOD!!! it was like i had traveled to a different place in a different time. I saw things that i had not seen in my entire 35 years on this planet. costumes and light! i've NEVER seen a Japanese band live before! it was so cool! everyone at the con was so giving and adorably geeky :)  i met some influential people AND i got to be totally flirty!

worst thing that happened...myself & 3 of my models/friends, were escorted out of our hotel room AND to the exit  friday night by hotel security AND THE POLICE! how EMBARRASSING!  i had asked the damn Sheraton when i reserved the room to put me with the CON. they gave me there "special rate" and a room on the 8th floor. it was there responsibilty to give me a room where the party was NOT a room next to a couple who were sceduled to wedd the very next morning...I was SO emotional...i took a swim at 7 am in the damn pool! Some very nice and very cool people let me and the few people i had left with me stay in there room. I am SO glad that happened...it was a the BEST thing that happened....along with the AWESOME photo shoot me, drayke and co. and my models had till 2 am!

in all the excitment i could not sleep ALL weekend. I didn't think it was possible to have amazing weekends of fun at my age but i guess i've got ALOT more juice left in me than i thought! so.... Here's to the next adventure!!!