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I Was Never Your Fool



Last Updated: 11/20/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 100
Sign: Aquarius

City: Madison
State: Alabama
Country: US
Signup Date: 9/9/2004

Blog Archive
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Monday, April 16, 2007 
Here is mine: (This is to be an allegory in the novel I am writing.)

Little Black Shoes

A tiny girl with a large red balloon wandered through the frozen streets. Tap, tap, tap, her feet hit the pavement; the shavings of stone grinding off with every step, each time her little, black shoes scraped the sidewalk.

Dozens passed her by; bickering couples, old women driven with senility, making their way to the baker's for a loaf of bread. Guffawing gentlemen took humor in her plight; children snickered and pointed with their beady eyes. Granted, they were thoughts in her head and no one even noticed her taking her neverending stroll.

She played with the long, black string and followed its path up to the red balloon, which towered over her head like a giant. She marveled over the contrast the red balloon had against the night sky and how it whispered when the wind rolled across its gleaming surface.

A mere inanimate object as it was, she had everything she ever needed.

Someone who would listen and not judge her.
Someone who was always there by her side.
Someone she could call on when she was sad.
Someone watching over her; someone she could love completely without fear of being too clingy... for you can never hold a balloon too tight.

She ran by The Streudel Shop; candies and delicacies shone in the moonlight. She flared through floral stands which stood aside the old river and she heard the fish clapping in and out of the water; a rhythm to match her beating heart. She bolted across an empty field, making her way to the small room she had made for herself out of old music boxes. They were stacked six high and two deep; four walls and a roof; she held them together with cement she gathered from the local carpenter. Every day for four weeks she went to his shop and took a hatful back to the land she would build on. She loved watching the grains swim together and treasured listening to the swooshing as they brushed against one another.

She sat in her makeshift house and cranked a music box. This particular box had a blue ballerina who danced and danced and was free and knew how to dream. She spun around while the box played By the Light of the Silvery Moon in G. She started another; this one had a green baby boot and played a tune she had never heard before.

She violently turned each knob and twirled each crank, causing welts to come up on her fingers and she listened to the maniacal tunes merge and fluctuate; bend and curve to create a mad melody which wafted through the streets of the town, causing birds to disperse and women to harbor their ears with their new fur mittens. She loved this song, for it was her own. Helter-skelter, topsy-turvy, higgedly-piggedly, muddled and messy and jumbled and wild.


Life was like that in her world.


As strange as it seemed, everything running together brought her to peace.



Suddenly, the wind picked up, whirring and buzzing like a hive of bees. It flapped its wings against the teeny tiny house and the door slammed open and shut, open and shut, open and shut, until it snapped and whacked off the hinges and shot into the air like a bullet! The suffering child's balloon argued with the wind, fighting and tearing while the girl clinched in fright in an attempt to hold the balloon still. The string gave way and popped, sending the balloon far into the night, never to be seen again by the child's eyes.

To think of the money she'd scraped together to get that balloon! The time she spent thumbing through the colors and sizes until she found the perfect friend!

How easy and yet how difficult it would be to replace

and what is the point when she knew how long balloons lasted?
Friday, September 29, 2006 

you are on an island

there is a cold, chilling breeze and dark shadows surrounding you

you take a breath and you can hear echoes breathing with you

you take a step and you can see other footprints following yours in the sand

this land is not yours

it was not made for your plans

 

a boat comes to shore with promise

you pull at your chains

you grasp at your locked limbs

you fall upon your knees

you reach you reach you reach

 

a haven far away

leads itself to be noticed

to be cherished

and this vessel knows the way

but to trust a boat

is maddening

and full of mind-fright

 

never looking back

you leap ahead

you swim

the boat sits

you make your own map

Monday, September 25, 2006 
I'm not your fucking toy. Don't play with me.
I am NOT a trophy. Don't show me off.
I am not a boomerang. You leave, you're fucking gone.

DO NOT say you love me.
No one EVER means it when they say it. I have heard that fucking lie so many times. I have heard it spout out of every mouth and there are very few people in my life who have the right to say it.

If you love me, you accept me for who I am.
I will change for no one.
If you love me, you will tell me the truth.

To everyone else...

I do not deal with people who lie. There is no excuse for lying.

I am tired of people who act like they like me and talk about me behind my back...
If you do not like me, DON'T FUCKING HANG OUT WITH ME.
Delete me from your friends list. Don't call me.
If I call you, tell me you don't like me. Stop wasting my time and yours. I have important people in my life that I could really be spending a lot more time with instead of giving time to people who don't matter.

I am SICK AND TIRED of all these fake people.

This song by TLC describes it exactly:

Case of the Fake People

I thought that I knew about 'em
Thought that they would never do me wrong
Well well they smile in your face
When all the time they wanna take your place
Them backstabbers
Same old scene that
You've seen for so long
Always want to be around you
But as jealous as they come
Well don't want you to win that race
'Cause if you do it's gonna lessen their space
That's when I decide to say

[Chorus]
Goodbye, goodbye
To all the fake people in my life
I never wanted you around me
So be on your way now
You better think twice
Before you let people in your life
Because when you put down
No one is around you
You got a case of the fake people
A case of the fake people

I thought that I knew about 'em
The only ones that really care for me
Oh yeah
But they shouldn't be that way
Only down for as long as
You can give security
Same old scene that you've seen for so long
Always want to be around you
But as jealous as they come well
Don't want you to win that race
'Cause if you do it's gonna lessen their space
That's when I decide to say

[Chorus]

Now why don't you all just fuck off so I can be with my REAL friends?
Sorry if I am bitter, but I am tired of being a doormat.
I am tired of giving people chance after chance, and always being the nice person who gives their heart to everyone. I am locking it up and you have to EARN it. I have to start protecting myself.
Saturday, September 09, 2006 
   

I want to see that at least once a week! ;p
Friday, September 08, 2006 
I had way too many friends... a lot of people I didn't know.

I got rid of 36 people... (wow that's a lot ;p)
and yes, Sarah, I deleted your old profile because you don't use it! I kept your old one so no whining!

I had 329 and now I have 293...

... isn't that weird?
Monday, July 31, 2006 
I was going to lie for him.
I was going to act like nothing ever happened...

but if people are going to treat me like this, I do not care.

I am not letting this high school drama bullshit ruin my life.
If you want to be friends with me, okay.
If you want to hate me, whatever.

I will live my life and I will go on with or without people.

If you were my friend, you would still be my friend...
especially because you don't know what really happened.
Sunday, October 17, 2004 
I eat because I have some sort of mild depression disorder, and I constantly crave chocolates and carbs.

I'm not emotionally depressed... just chemically, and therefore I'd be psychologically depressed, I suppose... but I'm really happy right now because of Jesse.

Anyway, my body's all like, "POTATOES!!! DOUBLE CHOCOLATE FUDGE! GIMME GIMME!"
And I'm like, "STFU!!!!"
And my stomach's all, "*dehydrate* Look! Look! You wouldn't treat a brother like this! Come on, have a heart!"
And my heart's all like, "Don't drag ME into this, bitch! You know that kind of shit clogs my arteries!"

And yes, I have an eating disorder. I don't eat like I should. I don't eat enough and then when I do eat, it's usually fruits and vegetables and things that won't make me fat... and then every now and then I have those damn cravings. But it's not like it's a secret. Speaking of secrets... do you ever wonder what Victoria's Secret is? Is it that she makes the panties out of finely woven cat hair? Or perhaps she's in the mafia. Maybe she used to be a man. Will we ever know? And how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? And no, biting doesn't count. Do you ever wonder what would happen if Count Chocula and Captain Crunch got in a fight? That would be really scary... especially if it was Peanut Butter Crunch because then I'd eat them both and get fat.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 
I have a boyfriend now... finally... I was looking forever and I grew tired... and then I met Austin. He seemed like a great person and I enjoyed talking to him on the phone, but it just didn't seem right... not even when I met him and made out with him. It felt like something was missing.... it was too much physical and not enough of anything else. I talked to AJ and although I really like him and he's a total sweetheart, and we'd get along great... he really lived too far away and we haven't met yet. I liked both of them and I really couldn't decide... who should I pick, really? They were both good choices but I hate settling. Then I met Jesse... and I didn't have to settle. I'm not saying he's perfect or that he's the one... or even that I love him, (Because there's no way I could yet... I don't know him well enough.) But... there's something there that I can't explain. When I'm around him I feel like I belong. I feel like I exist... and now... even when I'm alone, things just make much more sense and have more meaning and depth... If you really know me, you'll know how much my friends mean to me... and you might even know that I'm really anal when it comes to my possesions... and I don't mean that in a dirty way... Sunday night, I was at Jesse's... and I didn't want to go home... I didn't want to leave him the next day and have to come home to my parents... or even my friends... or even my things... I didn't care. It didn't matter anymore. This is dangerous... because I'm pretty sure I've found where I belong... and that place wants to keep me... but I've decided it would be rude to just drop everyone... and I won't do that... but oh, you don't know how much I could just throw away everything right now and it wouldn't fucking matter. I'm happier than I've been in a long time and I can only hope everyone else can be at least half as happy as I am.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004 
my little pony
You're My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla THAT IS SO ME.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004 
I'm going to get one of those things where you can record the conversation... and then I'll answer the phone when a telemarketer calls, and then listen to their spiel and everything... and then be like, "Okay... hold on. Let me get a pen. I have to go through my mother's room and she's really crazy, so if you hear something weird, don't think anything of it." and then like wait a few minutes... and stomp around and stuff... and then be like, "Heyyy! Did you piss in your pants?" in an old lady's voice and then be like, "Mother, I'm on the phone. Please don't start that." and then, "Sharon pissed in her fucking pants! You really did it this time! You got it all over your goddamn legs, you whore!" and then, "Please, mother, stop it." And then I'd be like, "IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE SUCKING COCK SO MUCH, YOU WOULDN'T GET SO EXCITED EVERY TIME YOU SEE YOUR GRANDPA'S DICK AND PISS IN YOUR SWEET FUCKING JEANS!!!!" And then I'd be like, "OKAY. That's is, mother. I've had it with your fucking shit." *three gunshots* "EAT THAT, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!" And then go back to the phone and be like, "Hello? Yes... hi. Sorry about that. Now what was the address again?"