Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
About everyone that talks to her does.  No surprise at all.





Do you want to see somebody right now?
Yes.  I enjoyed the security and company I had today with her.  I would like to hang out again soon.



Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
No reason why I wouldn't.





Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I don't remember.  Ashley is prolly the only one.




Do you listen to songs when youre down?
Yes, music really helps with my psche.






Have you ever hugged anyone named Joe?
Not that I am aware of.





How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
From as soon as I lay down, or sometimes an hour.





Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
yes.


Is there someone you will never forget?
yes...




Who did you last spend time with?
Ashley.  All day today.  I'm still laughing at her sharing details about japanese singers... pretty kewt lol.  Glad she can deal with me.





Do you like somebody right now?
yes.




What are your plans for the weekend?
Well right now just trying to make it through this weekend.  But next weekend prolly working.





What do you currently hear right now?
People talking about a card game.


Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
Yes.






Who did you last tell a secret to?
Ashley.




Has anyone ever broken you?
Yes, my upbringing was broken.






Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
Nope.  But do they know I do now?  yes.




Do you love the last boy/girl you were talking to?
No... almost annoyed by the note they snuck into my clothes bag, but I guess its what I get.





Are you wearing a necklace?
no. mine broke.




Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
Yes...  I would like to fix my heart to trust a little more...





Are you an emotional person?
yes... very. and sometimes no... depends on the situation.




Did your parents spoil you as a child?
Sometimes.  Its natural.



Are you a cuddler?
Yes.  I like attention ^.^



Look behind you, what do you see?
Bowling pin O.o





Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an S?
Nope.





How's your life lately?
Been getting better.  I find the good in things that I have.





How many different things have you had to drink today?
Tea, lemonade, slushie, energy drink




Do you flip your pillow to the cold side?
All the time xD





Is the last person you kissed more than a year older than you?
a little younger




Are you afraid to grow up?
Yeah... When you grow up the world loses its mysteries




Have you ever been around someone who was high?
yes.




Three days from now will you be in a relationship?
No, but I don't need a relationship to know someone will be there and care for me.





Do you like to hold or be held?
Both... once again...  I like attention xD





Are you looking for a boyfriend/​​girlfriend?​​
nope. hasn't crossed my mind for awhile.





Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
Ashley...




Where is your number one person on your friends list?
Sleeping.






Did you have a good day?
Oh gawd yes xD


Did you kiss anyone today?
Yep...




Were you single last summer?
Was I? yeah lol.





Do you have a bad temper?
Yes. I'm not gonna lie.




Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I make mistakes, but it is never to me.



Will you be in a relationship next month?
Don't see it happening.

Are you tired?
I can't even beleive Im walking.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
I can...  I'm not much for spending time on the phone.

Do you have texting?
yes. 15 dollars a day xD

Think back to yesterday what were you doing at this time?
sleeping lol.

Is there snow on the ground where you are?
It would be kewl if there was.

Is there someone you wish you were still close with?
My aunt.

I looked back at alot of the first blogs I wrote.  Its strange to see how things go in full circle.  Whats worse is to see that I don't change?  That there are always the same parts that stay.  Its funny to see how things have changed, how I've felt, what was good at the time.  What was bad.  I forget where the years go.  I forget where the people I refer too... go.  They fade.  and so I stand now on a new tower, by myself.  At square one like it always happens.  I wonder what will happen? I however know that I have found what made me strong in the past.  Myself.  My own confidence.
People lie.  People go.  People make promises they can't keep.  All on the whim of an emotion.  Because they need someone there at that moment.  I'm tired of that struggle.  People have come and go all my life, its nothing I can control.  Feelings that I thought were just and important and real can be shattered and shown the truth.  All I want now, is to understand where I'm going.

Are you really happy or are you just saying that?
I'm a liar- I act happy, enthralled, and outgoing.  Bu really I got stuff riding on the back of the mind that can make me drop to an all new low.

Where did you get your last bruise from?
From work, I bump into alot of stuff and I get burns from cooking.

What are you currently hearing right now?
Unconditional by the Bravery.

Do you keep a planner?
Closest thing I had to a planner was when Ashley wrote and kept my calender up to date.
How late did you stay up and why?
I slept alot but then woke up... unless we are talking about now... its 6 in Brazil and I'm bored...  and I kind of wish I could see someone right now.
What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
Talked out loud... weird dream that I couldn't remember.

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
Me?  I don't know, not really today has been good with other people.

What's a fact about the last person who text messaged you?
They mean everything to me.
Do you have curly hair?
Nope, but man I would look funny.

Did you see the movie Twilight?
Will never.
What do you do when you're sad?
I don't want to answer seriously... but I pace, I take walks, I become infuriated, I overthink things, I punch walls, and in the worse...  I've cut myself.  But the later is rare, I just know I have no control and don't know how.  Listening to music while walking has helped, it takes me somewhere.

Something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
My father...
Was the last person you kissed cute?
In my eyes yes, but never tell her that.

If someone loved you would you want them to tell you?
Not anymore...  you can only truely love me if you took the time to know me, respect me, suffer because of me, and go throu hell for me... because love isn't easy... wow I sound like a dick.  But its true, you can't love someone truely without suffering for it or facing loss.

Are you too forgiving?
Not really... I hold grudges sometimes...

Are you happy with life?
Never.

Have you ever kissed anyone with snake bites?
Nope.
Who was the last baby you held?
My nephew... in which thats about to make me cry because I want to see him =(.  He talked to me on the phone and I miss him so much.
Who do you trust with everything?
Ashley... but I hate being an open book or being exposed.
Ever had a girl best friend?
I guess.

Last time you laughed, who made you laugh?
Logan, I judo poked him in the belly and he screamed "WTF".
Do you think you will make a good wife/husband?
Fuck no...  look at my dad... if I can't make a good boyfriend or even friend.  Why would I make a good husband?
Do you believe that every thing happens for a reason?
Yes... I like to believe in things like fate... if gives faith to my life and that someone as meaningless as me... gets what they deserve.
Is there someone you really like to just hang out with and talk about stuff?
Yeah...  but sometimes I just can't...  its impossible without it effecting me.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No not at all.
Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
My couzin Zac.
Do you have a crazy aunt?
My aunt Eddy!!!  I love you auntie!!
When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
Last night.

Do you like your first name?
No, because I'm not a gift from God.  More of pandora's box.  Okay that was lame...  anyways its very boring, people tend to mispell it when obviously "Nathan" with an A is the proper way and is in the freakin' bible so it must be proper cuz its a common name!!!!  The only reason I like my name is cuz of my initials.  MAybe I should change it to Ned or Nessie or Nander O.o

Have you ever met someone who is incredible?
Yea, still in my life.
What did you do to get your first detention?
Fight.

Is it more common for you to follow your heart, or your mind?
My heart... because my mind is negative and will think the worse of people... my heart has saved me more from time to time, but it hurts like  disease and easy to break.
How old will you be in 57 years?
80... omg.... but I will surprised if I make it past 30.
Will you be married by then?
Nope...
Are you a jealous person?
Very much so... very much so... but I admit its my biggest fault... supposedly jealous people are strongly caring and loyal to all.  But it hurts people so I liked it when I had control of that aspect of myself.  It gives people freedom.

Does anyone like you?
Nope.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Oh dood...  I get so mad it feels like my head is gonna explode... I feel in a constant state of anxiety. and so yes...  I break down.

Did you go out or stay in last night?
I went out.
Did you kiss someone before you were 16?
I used to be a devil on the playground. Does that count? O.o

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Not of lately... no... only one person can see right through me.  I don't know if anyone else can tell.
Do you hate being alone?
Yes...  but sometimes being alone, i can truely be myself and enjoy the small things, like music, walking, and the night air, and little insects I find when walking... I am facinated by how things work.  I think no one can appreciate that factor about me to enjoy it with me.

Have you ever been out past curfew?
Yeah and never got in trouble... by law or family.  It was common and acceptable and I suppose my mom thought it was a way for me to clear my head and she knew I always had problems sleeping way back in the day.  I actually can sleep sometimes now.

Have you ever blocked someone on Myspace before?
2 people actually...  about to block another one or delete them for a rude comment on one of my bulletins...

Do you get along with girls?
No...  I can blend with them easily, they are so easy to talk to.  However, some will drag you into their drama and thats were I really don't care.  There are like 5 girls around my that don't get on my nerves.
Did you know that peeling a wrapper off of a bottle means your sexually frustrated?
I thought chewing ice meant you were frustrated... and I chew ice alot... I mostly peel bottles and make paper airplanes out of it.  Or sail boats.
Are you emotional?
I don't like to show, I come off as a jerk, and there was at one time when for the longest I was a cold emotionless bastard because of how betrayed I felt from what happened in my life... but yeah before the bad events I used to cry at the smallest gesture, but I guess thats were I started learning lieing cuz  of my father...  he told me to grow up... and to be a man... so I just hid it from him and everyone else.  Until recently.
Do you take pills of any sort?
No.  I refrain from medicine as much as I can.  Gives bad memories.  I fight with Ash about it when she wants me to take medicine.
When was the last time you slept on the floor?
2 or 3 weeks ago.
When someone says "we need to talk" what runs through your mind?
They are gonna destroy me and lie to me.
Are you in a good mood?
Decent.

Do you need to say anything to someone?
I'm sorry for everything...  I wish you never met me... but I would never want to erase the memory of you.  It means to much to me.
Something you wish for?
Living on a prayer.
Are you okay with making a fool of yourself?
I do it all the time.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
For now... I'm barely getting by.

Do you currently miss someone?
Alot... I mean... ALOT....  I really wish I could talk to them right now.

Are you friends with someone who's older than you?
Yeah Im actually friends with 60 year olds O.o
In the past week have you felt stupid?
Yes... its common for me to regret the things I say out of emotion.. wish I was Spock.
Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
Yes...  I don't believe them...  but I really hope that I will be proven wrong about it... so yes...  in the back of my mind...  Im crying cuz I know its true.
What was the best thing that happened to you this year?
Learning that the feelings I had and someone else were real.  But its to late, but the fact I know it is... is enough for me.
If you could go back 8 months and change something would you?
After what I know now... I would go back and change the way I treated someone who deserved to be treated right.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
David.
How did your night go last night?
I was tired, slept...  and then went to TH while listening to dance music.  It was ok, still worried about stuff.

reminding myself when the day comes and when I am making the money that when that day comes I am going to import or buy Monster Hunter Portable 2nd G and I need "PapimeruPSP" to patch the game into english.  From there I hope to join the online community of awesomeness and play one of the most amazing games ever.... but better.  From what I saw it was so amazing.  Everything is tweaked better, everything is still in place, places are bigger, and the best part.  A Felyne sidekick!!!!!!  I am so stoked, I can't wait.  I hope I get it around christmas ^.^

Recently a childhood friend of mine just passed away this tuesday.

          He died of of complications of muscle dystrophy as I believe all of you know.  It's a rare disease where your muscles slowly are eaten away...  in terms Matthew over time lost control over his limbs.  He has fallen the same fate as his brother Michael who suffered the same disease, sadly Michael outlived Matthew in terms of years.  I believe Michael was 21 or 22 while Matthew passed away at 20.  Now I know some of you are grieving in your own way, this is my way of reaching out to those who know him and to kind of share a piece of me that I shared with the Lemeron family.
            The Lemerons were family friends of my mom and dad ever since I was a little kid.  My sister was the same age as Michael and I was the same age as Corey and Matthew respectively.  I used to go over practically every weekend to play videogames, watch movies, play legos and even wrestle with Corey.  I shared alot of great memories with Matthew, like we used to play legos all day and man could he build the most amazing things.  He mostly built cars and I remember he used to make noises with them and what not lol.  He also always wooped my ass at WcW vs NWO.  I remember the hard times he went through, I remember when he troubles getting up and moving, I had to help him up when I could, I remember when he gradually was unable to move like he used to, he then need assistance from his mom a couple years later.  But Matthew was strong, he never let it get to him.
              Corey used to pick on me all the time and be mean to Matthew, but thats just how young siblings are, I guess Corey got jealous cuz I spent more time with Matthew back in the day.  I felt in my head that later in life Matthew woudln't have the time like he did at that time.  I remember how I used to go over and just watch him play Starcraft, or even the time that JD bought him a go cart and he was so proud of that thing.  He used to take me cruising up and down the country road acting like he had a stick shift and he was making racing noises like he always did.  I also remember Michael...  he was practically awesome.  He and my sister grew me up on some of the music I listen to.  I remember, when I came over he would tell me to come on in his room and we would chill listen to some music, he always had something new to tell me or show me.  Its even sad to say that Michael got me addicted to Metal Gear Solid and I remember watching him play that all the time.  I also remember how he would talk about the ladies too xD.
             I remember I used to ride with Michael all the time with his friend in there little van.  It was both Michael and Matthews pride and joy.  We used to go to movies and travel around, mostly the drive in was a regular thing.  I even remember when Bridgette *my sister* and Michael went to Prom together, they weren't dating or anything and they didn't want that anyways...  they were the best of friends anyone could ever be.  We were all so close.  Then in 2001 Michael passed away...  Michael was a best friend to me, even if he was unable to move that well, he still defended me against Corey's bullying.  He once ran over his foot with the wheel chair for me xD, or bumped into him.  I know he smacked him in the head a couple of times but all in all he watched out for me and now I knew Corey never meant no harm, he was just playful.  But when I was at Michaels visitation, I remember Bridgette and Michael's best friend giing a speech about him.
              I broke down and cried afterwards, I missed Michael in my life...  I never knew it would be like that, to me I thoguth Michael was invincible.  He was the strongest person I have ever met in my life, his stories of fighting and recovery were heroic and amazing.  He was a hero to me, to see him passed away tore me apart and most of all I lost a dear friend.  Then my parents got a divorce.  Highschool sweet hearts, fights, and dramas got into my life.  I got to caught up in myself and years passed.  Even in highschool I was afraid to approach Matthew cuz I thought he didn't want anything to do with me and when we chatted every now and then it was small talk.  He was always on the go.  Then I got carried away even more with my life.  Years passed without speaking to them.  Then finally Matthew passed away.  I still don't know how to take it, I have no reason to cry.  I feel guilty for never spending so much time with him as I should of in the past few years, why do I deserve to cry at his loss?  I could of been a better person and visited him, I could of spent more time with him and his family.  There could of been so many more memories I could of created and continue to carry with me to this day.  To share more even right here right now.
                  I don't deserve to shed a tear for him for what I've done, to the people who cried at his funeral and was there for him every moment, they have memories to cry over.  They were close to heart.  It tears me up inside for the loss of Matthew, I wish I could take it all back.  Another reason I don't cry is because Matthew was stronger willed than I.  I know there was one time where he practically gave up...  just stayed home didn't do anything... but he picked up quickly... got back on his feet.  Thats what I heard.  But I remember one time, I cried because of something stupid.  He hugged me and said everything was going to be ok.  I don't remember much, but I remember when he did that I could see a man when we were little boys.  Matthew in his later years, couldn't stand physically...  but he stood taller than me, taller than any of us in mind and spirit.  He is the definition of a true man, a hero just like his brother.  Looking back then he was way beyond his years in maturity and understanding the cruelty of this world.  He even took on death as bravely as possible from what I heard.
                    I don't believe in heaven or second lives...  but I hope in all their sakes that there is a heaven for him and Michael, they deserve it for all they are.  I hope right now they are buiding a car together and driving it up and down a boulevard, picking up all the pretty girls, and having a good time with all their friends.  I hope if there is a heaven and theres room for an ungrateful soul like me, I hope to one day join them and go cruising or mudding.  I love you Michael and Matthew and I hope to see you one day, I hope now you can forgive me for not spending much time with you or never sharing how I feel about you guys...  I love you with all my heart and you meant everything to me.  Please be with me when ever you can, you will always be on my mind.  Thank you for listening all.  I wish you all a pleasent day and sweet dreams.

-Nathan

p.s.  Matthew you gotta show me your ultimate lego collection when I get to heaven, I bet it has everything you ever wanted and you can show me all things you built.  I can't wait.  Love you.

I found an old poem of mine... it's rather cheesy and I really do hate poems, but here it is anyways... laugh if you must or comment.  This will probably be the only time in Nathan History that any kind poetry is ever seen from me.

They Never Listen

 

Another year passes,

And the story and lives of people never last.

People and events come and go,

As always we try to find a new low.

When it snows

They never listen.

When your intentions finally show

They never listen.

But the movie continues,

Like a race down Life Avenue.

We all try to finally realize,

But we still go for one more chance to roll the dice.

Each day a pleasure or pain,

But each day our lives shall continue to ordain.

Tell them what makes you feel good

They never listen.

When the world said you never could

They never listen.

When angels give kisses

They never listen

To a troubled breath

I LISTEN

woopitydoo

         That movie was the most pleasing experiance ever for me.  It was the first movie that I felt at ease, comfortable, and enjoyed every second of it because this movie was filled with history, story, and so many references to the original series that I was truely happy and pleased with it.  Now alot of people didn't enjoy it, said it sucked, and didn't understand the movie at all period...  well here's a tip, play all 4 video games and if you don't get the meanings of each game... then play them again, read forums that analyze the game...  then by gosh you might enjoyed every moment in that movie like I did.  Even the "In the eyes of a child, mother is God." that can be taken in reference to one of the big symbols in the game including the third which God was depicted as a woman... and many other games had references to God... but God was evil...  because that was what humans made God...  Silent Hill is the most perfect and deep psychological symbolic storytelling ever.

     As much as I would like to go on about every detail about its many different meanings and its humongous universe I cannot so all I have to say is thank you Konami!!!!!  This was an inspiration to me and my most favorite movie ever!!!!  I can't wait to go see it again... and again... and again....

-Nathan

Ah,

     Yeah the title is weird but I have been thinking.  Thats what I do at 5 in the morning.  I was hanging out with an old friend Cliff Rush and we were talking a little bout church and how we both didn't go... but it made me think of why I always went to church.  I always tried to lie and say it was God but it never was.  Ya, know I even tried to pray a little tonight when I walked over to Matt's, but it just wasn't the same and you know?  I'm happy, I contnet, but were is this God?  I have only come to say that I am my own god and I can make my own decisions, I've only wasted time seeking answers from higher power when I can get on with my life seeking the answers myself.

          I spent so much of life trying to solve others, I have spent so much of my life wasting it on a sniffeling girl and fucking retarded parents, I have spent most of my life on a God that never answered, I have spent most of it holding hatred to everyone who has ever crossed the line with me.  You know what I haven't done?  Spent my life for me?  I always expected to have others meet me half way to make me happy but they worry bout there own problems.  When its Ashley, she meets me beyond half-way and she makes it easy for me.  I try to do the same for her.  But when it comes to me, it's going to be about me.  No more titles of angels, no more "Radial's" I am still called that and its not me.  I don't want to be named after a band.  I don't want to be labeled for something I failed at.

          and I am so tired of people getting mad at me when I finally say "fuck off" or "leave me alone"... its a first but god you people can be so freaking annoying and childish about petty things.  I occasionly have my moments but alot of you are so horrible... the human race makes me wanna puke sometimes...  All you wanna do it for is "me, me, me" and sex and hatred...  it makes me wanna puke sometimes...  Makes me even wanna hurl at the thought of me.  Been living my life wanting to be a super hero but I only been doing it for my selfish needs.  Leave those for the comics.  I'm just going to be who I am from now on, i am Nathan, I'm in love with a very precious girl who needs me.  I shall be there for her when I can and try when I cannot.  I mean something to her and that means something to me, she also means alot to me...

                There very existance of others still piss me off thou.  Carl, he shouldn't fake smile for me anymore...  I just want him to die for downgrading me and the next time I see him... I don't want his stupid ass small talk, I don't want any contact with him.  Jessica's very existance annoys the hell out of me too, why do we think I avoid church?  She is lingering there, her parents, Carl lingers there...  I avoid it and her because thats a part of my life that hurt more than anything.  That was my life and now I have something so much better.  What is left and still remains... being friends with her, is not even being friends to me. It's a scar and it's only me keeping a smile and keeping my distance as far as possible.  I never give notice to people who can be so weak in the hardest of life and give up on others who needed help more than anything in the world... and that was ME!!!  I was dieing!!!  What did you do?  You lost faith in me, got paranoid, and a million other stupid reasons... mainly infatuation with a guy that resembles my hysterical bad boy years. and 2 more to that list of people that hurt me... my mother and dad.  My mom for always pushing me around when I don't know what to do.  I need help, not thrown around by my ear.  and dad... fuck you for never trying for me and Bridgette.  You always said you miss us and want to see us more but you never tried.  Fuck dad, I live not very far from you, I make a habit to see you every now and then, but when it comes to you coming to see me you have this attitude like its not your priority...  I'm here but you never take the step to break that barrier you put between us.

                So feel free to get mad at me, feel free to think I have changed.  I never had, its time that I never worried about what others think or how others made a maze for me to walk through.  I've been this little boy from long ago lost and I think I am finally finding my way.  So I hope you read this, all of you who make me mad.  All of you who like to read these...  all of you who know who you are.  You betrayed me and don't ever tell me I changed, all of you changed and it was I who was still that little boy that needs HELP!!!  I have my Ashley, she understands were I come from, even if I am way out there...  and I can feel confident in myself with her pushing me to understand what I am capable of.  So you peeps that I have attened this for, lets burn some bridges that have been burnt so long ago.  Cuz gawd you guys annoy me with your little annoying nit picking ways of drving me up a wall.

              Sigh and I know Ash is going to read this and think what crawled up my butt and died... yeah sowwy babe, just little things that people do you know?  Just trying to put a stop to things ya know?  and I know how everyone likes to keep tabs on every little thing I do... so here it is for them... in the best way I can do it.  With my words.  Ash, I started a new life with you... and every time I see you...  I fall more in love with you.  I fall in love with who you are and every day feels like a new beginning.  and so I want to destroy it all, every little detail cuz its like a little bug that keeps triyng to survive and fester...    I am so tired of it all.  What I need now is you darling...  I find in you someone so lost as me...  who needs another to believe.  I love you... cuz we both have the same dream.  The same needs in another.  We need a friend who understands and a lover who hugs tight.  I miss you babe and now I am tired... my eyes burn and its time to be engulfed by sleep.  Good bye all...  maybe as years go by you can forgive me for who I am and realize that I fufilled my purpose in all of your lives to show you how a human being is supposed to live.  With all there hearts put into the lives of others.  I sacrifised my every ounce into everyone...  I hope you all learned a lesson.  Now its Nirvana with who i am with and what I do.  I make my own path and I will not be guided by the mazes of others.  Bai bai...

-Rising Actions

Once Again... It's Me.

             I am bothered...  I am saddened and once again I truely hate myself for this.  I watched One Hour Photo and as all good movies I really start to thinking... then I thought about me...  and my past... and I wonder if I was truely deprived...  and I wonder if I run only on estranged emotions.  Have you ever just look in the mirror and wonder why?  Once again before putting my retainer in and getting ready for bed I sat and stared once more...  trying to figure out that by tomorrow 20 years have past of lost memories, dreams unfullfilled, and being a failure all of my life...  and I know when I look theres this girl who would say different...  who would say it was all worth it and that I am really somebody and that I am not a failure...  but how can I believe that?  How can I who knows myself better than anyone else say any thing worth it for me?  I wonder if Ashley lies awake at night and wonder why I find her so perfect... for me...  does she sit there and still tell herself she's not perfect?  Not a great human being?  Does she do what I do now?  Cry over her very existance?  Cuz thats what I am doing... and I haven't cried in the longest time... and its all so fuckin stupid for me to do so.

                  But I really can't take it anymore so badly right now do I want to Ashley to hold me tight against her chest and I can listen to her heartbeat and just forget who I am and focus on her...  and now I don't have her here with me... my perfect drug the perfect way to drown out who I am.  All I want so badly right now is to jump up and run outside and smoke a cigerette... and walk until I pass out...  its not like I've done it before.  I don't find myself to be emotional sometimes... I don't find myself to have problems like others...  and sometimes I feel that I walk circles...  like I do at night.  I guess it is true what Jessica said in her little crappy Haiku thing... and I know her all to well...  She shares things with me trying to sound like its not about me when it was.  But the Haiku was about an angel fallen and is not of heaven no more.  That he ran away.

           She told me it wasn't me, but I know all to well I was the only one called "angel".  For some reason I didn't care for it when she said it...  I was never of heaven.  Nor was I an angel.  I was just like Andy. A failure in life...  I only had someone in life to keep me away from things... and thou the past with her really hurt me... really was pointless it helped me find someone so much better. I just hope she can do that for Andy...  make him become somebody... make him an angel for you Jessica cuz really I don't want that title anymore...  I don't want to be Radial Angel anymore.  Please, no more referances to that... please let me be who I was when you met me at the park, I was just a shadow... I am nothing of heaven nor was I really a strong christian... my own instincts was my religion.  I fed on finding understanding in who I was and accepting who I am. lol Jerry almost caught me crying he walked in here and told me happy birthday...  I was scared...  when Jessica asked me to give Ashley's messenger address...  I was afraid of her saying stuff or anything at all the matter...  but it really seemed that she cared that I met Ashley...  she even told me she liked Ashley and was glad that I found someone that would be there for the rest of my life... and that was shocking...

         I want my past erased... everything with Jessica... everything with my parents... everything with who made me who I am...  the people that hated me... the people who I built who I was around to what they liked...  I don't wanna be me anymore...  the scars that remain from my 20 years of life.  Every little hurtful joke from my friends.  I wanna start over again... right now...  I wanna forget...  who I was... who the people I was with... and to start all over with Ashley... every little part and detail about me.  To be truely something else.  Ashley I am not gonna lie to you...  but when I look at myself in the mirror, I think of how someone so perfect as you could want something like me...  I hate myself so much...  how hypocritical I am... how selfish I am...  cuz do you really want me?  Why?  For so long I have been changing my life to please others...  I was never me...  I don't even know who me is...  I only think that who I was died along time ago...  Who I am was that little boy who stayed in his room and drawed...  thats who I was.  I dreamed...  nothing more... now here I am trying to make dreams reality and thats what I never was back then...  I only dreamed of having real relationships....  and now I have them... and I feel that I am a failure of it all.  I don't know anymore...  please someone put me back together again.  Someone please make me whole again.

            I often wonder if its me that has to do it on my own... I know Ashley is by my side...  but its me that I am fighting with...  and for the sake of Ash I feel like I am losing and I don't wan't her to deal with it... cuz I am so twisted inside in who I am and in my heart...  I hurt so badly from everything.  Frome veryday in my life.  I know you are gonna read this Ashley...  and your gonna say everything out of your little heart for me...  but what about me dealing with me?  What the hell is wrong with me!!!  I just wish you can hold me again so I don't have to think anymore... just be calm like a baby ahve no thoughts other than the comfort and the idea of security in the embrace.  I am just gonna shut up...  my left eye just spazzed out and I am tired.  I need sleep.  20 years of failure... of being lazy... all I had in it was Ashley and I didn't deserve her...  I'm not good enough for her...  cuz I know in life I can't give her anything she wants...  I am gonna fail at getting a job... I am never gonna try...  I am gonna fail in so many ways and then she will marry me out of love and 30 years down the line she's gonna hate me because I'm just like my father and that she can't take it anymore...  it always happens in my family...  and I am hating myself for saying that...  but I am scared of everything.  I love her...  cuz she makes me a hero.  She puts me so high into the air and shows me off to the world and says I really am somebody... I love her because she makes my inner hell bearable... sigh... I'm gonna go and sleep and hope to wake up with excitiement that covers up for what I wrote on the top of my mind tonight...  I hope for a small day to be happy again... knowing it will blow away like the wind...  I am onna hold onto it tight... and when I see Ashley tell her I love her with all my heart...  and not let go...  and really say everything to her and how she completes me and how I can't imagine how I could make it another day...  sigh... good night.

-Me

Well,

        I had this nightmare last night.  That I was in Wal-Mart and I was looking kewl as ever, I just had to add that.  But anyways I was in the electronic department and one of the employees couldn't take it and decided to go postal and started shooting people with this machine gun and every time this happened I would start crying and scream something that would make time rewind and replay the whole thing just so I can have a chance to save these people... and every time I did one thing it would end up worse and someone would die.  One guy that I save actually ends up being a psycho himself and if it wasn't for the other guy, less killing would of happened but know this fat guy was ten times worse in mental conditions but either way both were equally annoying trying to figure out how to save...

     Finally it ended u to the point were the only way to get close to who was doing this was to save the fat guy, let him kill the crazy guy, then I was close enough to sacrifice myself and take a bullet while runnin to the fat guy grab his gun and turn it on him while we both die... and so I did... while taking 2 bullets in the head 1 in the eye and the other in the forehead and somehow I managed to live long enough to grab the gun and beat the guy's head in and then shoot him several times screaming at him.  Then I fell over and bled to death.  But somehow I was still awake and from my blood this face appeared and said I had one more chance for me to live through this, but I had to give myself to it and so I said yes.  and time rewinded.

            and so I had a scar on my forhead and my eye was a bright red and the whole thing played again and my red eye could see everything that was happening, even around me which was weird and it didn't sense things like what I normally see...  It felt everything...  It was weird and hard to explain but I could tell what was around me and even the emotion that filled the air.  Before the employee could get his gun out, my forehead opened up and this long tentacle shot out and impaled the guy into the video game section *you know the glass case* and the fat guy and others only sat in fear as the tentacles grew all over me forming a  muscle like body as these bones started popping out forming some covering around me that made me looked like a deranged skinless humanoid dog insect dinosaur devil thing...

           Once again the fat guy finally goes insane but I stick my arm into the ground and I forced my flesh to crawl across the ground and impale the guy like a stuck pig suspended in air.  But after he was dead, I kept going and I was killing people left and right.  For some reason I thought they deserved to die by my hands since I spent so much time trying to rescue their pathetic lives, it was I who died for them... I did have a kewl flashy juggernaut battle were I was like a god fighting against the army in the parking lot. Finally it ended with me being shot by the army with a hundred guns a firing and the weird flesh and bone trying its best to keep form around me until it fell to the ground and I still mananged to keep walking forward until I finally died.  Even thou I was dead, my red eye was still alive and the veins within it formed into spider like legs and crawled out and I had full control of it and so I escaped back into the store and to the employee I killed and took control of his body...  and u and I can only guess that I would keep going but I woke up.

       And so yes I hated that dream, because it was so horrible... very horrible... made me wanna puke when I woke up.  I felt extremely sad all day until Ashley came on and I completely forgot, cuz I had someone to talk to finally.  I don't know what it meant...  It was a kewl and all but the visual just bothered me... and I couldn't imagine me being that cruel and insane.  Sigh, I wish she was online now... or I wish I did go over just to be near her...  I don't like this being alone crap.  Well I mean friends come over and its awesome and stuff but I still feel alone until she's around.  I wish the nightmares would go away, I wihs I got some decent sleep, I wish there wasn't something always ailing my body!!!  So I wouldn't have to complain and Ashley would have nothing to worry about and always hear good news come from my mouth.

       I should go on a 9-day fast again...  ok it sounds bad, but I usually drank alot of water, orange juice, protein shakes, and milkshakes to tide me over and I was pefectly fine...  I drankly mostly water and you could tell a drastic change in health which was amazing, a very good change.  I had more energy, my acne was cleared up, my skin wasn't dry, I wasn't greesy feeling, my hair was softer, I didn't have any pains or aches, and I was more attentive in class.  I think I should do it again... but I'm to lazy and I know it would worry the crap out of Ashley and she would stuff food down my throat.  So maybe a sald and water diet?  Just something so I won't be so dehydrated and acne infested...  Besides I'm not eating healthy anyways... this family lives on bubbling meat fat and potato chips for dinner.

        Sigh I wish I had a job...  well I don't care...  I wish it was Friday... so I can see Ashley...  I miss her.  I want someone to hold me while I forget my troubles.  Just to see her and walk up to her and hug her so big.  Ask how she is...  see her excited...  and happy.  Time takes forever.  Well I guess I am finally getting tired...  enjoy my friends... good night and sweet dreams.

-Nathan