so much has changed in such a little time.
big steps are being taken and giant leaps are going to take place
so the big 3 are broken up once again. for the first time since we were young
my brother n sister n i were together. but once again life is forcing us to
break apart again. this time my bro n sis are leaving to my moms.
a big step for my bro since he hasnt been gone since a long time.

well as life takes away my kids i am left alone in el monte.

now here comes my leap.

in January a friend n i will be visiting some friends in iowa
seeing how things go together over there. if everything goes well
then him n i will be moving to iowa. in febuary. from there
we go on tour with the band verasun in the east coast.
hittin as low as florida. after that if all is good then well come back
to the west coast n tour here.

so as if now. im just biddin my time till i get to leave
something new something exciting
i dont know if ill end up movin over there
or if ill just ride it out till the fun ends.

but i just want to say if we had any drama before to forget it
cause i know  i will be.

and if you have anything to say that youve always wanted to tell me
then go for it. cause u wont get another chance.

i wish you all the best. and if i never come back... i would be too soon. way too soon.


ps. if i came back after the years took their toll and came back to find you dead
youd still be to close to me. to close for comfort. i love(d) you
www.myspace.com/verasun

Well I have started running just about everyday and i have been eating less.
it does help i have no money so i cant eat out! lol

so far from the last time that i wrote the first blog i weighed about 213-215

i am down to 209. so here comes week 2,

hopefully ill be down to about 200 by next monday.

ill be sure to report whats up. thanks for your support.!

ps. fuck you . you fucken whore.

I am starting something new.
its been already half a year since ive lost sight of my life
and almost 2 years since i became someone else.
i remember a time when i felt alive. when i felt there was a reason to wake up
when i left high school i had ideas and dreams and goals.
i think im further now then i was then from accomplishing those dreams and goals.

i dont regret meeting the girl that completly changed and touched my life
i love her to this day with all my heart. i wish her the best. and i hope that in her
quest to discover what she wants with life she doesnt forget all she taught me
it would be a waste to be come a hypocrite at this point yet id expect her to anyways. not because shes a failure but because she is plauged with something we call youth. someday shell learn and ill learn and maybe we can love each other again or maybe not.

but anyways. i have passed the denial stage. passsed the anger stage. passed the pity stage. and now i stand on the edge of something big.
with school starting and workin become more and more a social fuck feast.
i realized something.

i let myself go to a point of complete unhappyness. sure im a nice guy
sure im a lil old fashion you could say or quiet and shy. but in the lifestyle
i wish to pursue looks are what matters.

and thus i get to the point.

i want to be that young passionate guy i was before
i need to learn to love myself again.

and heres where you all come in.

ive read that people who blog there weightloss challenges tend to get it down faster and keep it off. they feel like there obligated to not let down those who leave words of encouragement.

well here i stand today. at 210 lbs. back to where i was at my heavist in highschool. i need your help.

i want to get back down to 180 at the least. i know i can do it. all i ask is that you get on my ass about it. that you dare me to prove you wrong. ill be reporting in weekly what my progress is and so on. so heres to a new start. so that someday ican look back and say sometihng good came out of the distruction that was becoming an adult. thanks

2 pints of german booze.
its my dads bday. and everyone is being a dick
so my dad and i got some boooooze and get a lil tipzy


so yea no cool poem or epic song

just saying
so sick of all the bs.
keep ur fingers cross i make into catch the fallen
singing the other day made me feel alive again.
i wanna be alive....

in my dream i saw 3 guys get shot.

a random van pulls up. 3 black guys. and just unloads on 3 younger black guys.

i happen to becoming out of renting a movie and then i see it all go down

so i run back and all scared and shit. but before that some black guy tells me.

you better get out of here there gonna come back and get you. so i panic.

as things get weird i walk out and see some guy waitin for me. i run around the

car and kill him. then later other randome stuff happens where i kill the other

guys cause they saw me see them kill the kids.






this dream brings up 2 things.


one. why is there a ton of black people killin themselves in my dream?

and

two. i told my step mom about it. and she said that:
if you dream about that it means that you want to kill someone.



which brings me to my point.


as of late. there has been this feeling inside of me

of how would it feel to take someones life.
the rush of knowin its on you if they live or die. and whats more
if the situation turns to life or death. and they havce the same choice

whos the one to die?


but anyways its just weird how my dream and what she said all related to what i felt inside. and urge to commit cold blooded murder. not all emotional rage against an obvious target but just something random. someone who just happens to be at the wrong time at the wrong place. dont get me wrong though. i dont want to shot anyone thats too easy. it wouldnt feel right as say taking someones life with my bear hands knowing they had the same chance against me.


theres that feelin one gets when he knows hes the first to get laid with his click. the feeling when you win you first fight. the feeling when u kiss ur first girl. and others sense it. you dont even have to say it. its an aura that comes off you like shit on a stick.

i believe takin a mans life gives you that same feeling. that sense of knowin you are capable of such an act. maybe it was self defense maybe it was hate or rage. or maybe you just dont give a fuck.

death is death.


to end this. i just want to say that.
when i eventualy meet my maker.

i will bear the taint of anothers blood on my hands

when or where or why or how idk. its not a plan just a fact

like i know i will die young. i know i will someday kill.

its funny the same devil and evil and hate and rage that breeds these feelings is also counterd inside me by feelings of the complete opposite.

the will to live. helpin the weak. saving lives.

the devil and god rage inside of me......

    so
i risked it alll
for a chance at moving on
and it took a few txts
to become a wrong number
enjoy ur rebound
enjoy ur fake love
he fucks ur body
i fuck ur heart

if only i had a body like a jerk
and a heart like a stone

maybe then you cuold love me.
maybe then you could open your eyes
till then
enjoy fuckin to the sound of ur tears.

 ♠
i was going to write something cool
but i dk. so im just going to write something lame!

WELL  thanks for teasing me.
your so good at that
if it wasnt for your pretty face
i wouldve smashed your heart in
paper thin excuses
thick as fuck lies.

shit cant behave
cant seem to control your urges
its ok play me the fool play me the safe card

i love to live in miesry
smash me to pieces smaller baby smaller
make it hurt make it scar
i want to remember how much i hated that i love you
i want to remember how much i loved that i hated you then

i want to forget how much you didnt love me

a heart full of betrayal
a face full of innocense

cant even hold on to a melody much less
catch your attention long enough to hold you
at voices edge

i kill my self because im so fustrated
playing musical chairs with beds and boys
i guess im out so count me out i guess im out so count me out.

i guess im out so count me out im guess im out so count me out

erika rodrigiuez i miss you to an extreme
where have you lead me to
a road i have never taken
one where ive become
obessed with drinkin and smoking
im moving 100 miles per hour
the only time i slow down
is when i realize your not moving with me
at nite it becomes apperent that ur gone
or else why would i dream it so.

you txtd me that you loved me and that you missd me soo much
then why are you with someone else.



but ill live.
if you can do it so can i
slowly but surely ill crawl out of this hole
everyones there.
concerned but still there
to scold me to say i told you so.

but no one wants to listen they all just want to be the ones
that knew this was going to happen,

those i thought would be there.

i have no idea where they dissappear too
and those i forgot about.
are there makin me smile
im finding doing the things you wanted to do
are not as hard as i thought it would be
but idk if you ever even wanted that for us

its hard to forget about you and even harder to forget my love for you
so many blank faces.
so many people that are blind with eyes wide open
i could go on forever would it matter if i did
would it matter if i ever wrote anything
no one will read this no one will care
and like everytime i want someone to talk to
you all will run to better things
but come time when the world takes a shit on you
im here to wipe it off.
of course i use a fire hydrent water hose
but still im here
so ... fuck it.


....... ]
...

...
.

....


.

.. to those who claim i am wrong.

think about the last time you actualy knew who i was.


and for those who are to busy to care
think about me the next time someone fucks you over
cause i wont be there to play nice with you.



and to those who party with me.
whether im drunk or high or both
my love for you my brothers.


erika rodriguiez.
i love you like you wouldnt believe
you used to grace my dreams
now you hunt my nitemares
im not lost just wounded
i will stand again
if i have to use your wounds as cliffholds
if i have to use your veins as rope to your heart
i will have your blood i will have your soul


mark my fucken words

ill take everything you fucken
bitch.