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Did you ever stop to think about love?  I believe there is an immense difference
between being IN love and loving someone. 
Sure you can have both at the same time, but I think that being IN love
is sometimes misleading.  And when I refer
to IN love, I am talking about that blinding excitement of finding a new
partner:  the butterflies, the awkward
evenings together, the satisfaction of 6 hour phone conversations, the
anticipation, and the whole nine yards. 
You barely know the person and you can’t get enough, you just have to
have more.  The excitement is unbearable
and this feeling is IN love.  My idea of
loving someone is when that excitement is gone and you can still put up with
your better half.  You get along and put
up with each other and work to better each other without realizing it.  When you bicker just to make up and make up
just to show you love.  Love is obnoxious
and sometimes losing it is the best way to know you had it.  In love and love are different and sometimes
the same but you cant be IN love forever. 
When you find someone you can stick to, the best friend you can lay with
all night doing nothing but smiling, the person who picks you up before you
fall down, keep them for god sake!

Your toy
Your backup
Your quick fix
Your handyman
Doing this anymore

Your friend.

Your Backup.

Srs blog here I dont know where I am about to go with this but I cant just write another depressing emotional blog about how love is hopeless.  From my perspective, at this point in time anyhow, I should be concluding that I am the problem, not love. Or to say the least, I need to redefine love and become a little more picky.  I didnt believe the whole "Nice guys finish last" bullshit at first, but now, eh, I am reconsidering my harsh judgement. 

       Lets dig deeper shall we?  The phrase would suggest, that I, the nice guy, would be either taken advantage of or passed up all together.  In my case, not to be cocky here, but usually the girl I like is not out of reach, so I must either be picking shitty girls or all girls are shitty and selfish given the opportunity. 
       On the outside, or to most  people I come off strong-willed,trusting, intelligent, well mannered, and confident.  While some of those are true, a few are not.  For instance, given a challenge or someone who suggests I may be wrong,  I tend to back down or at least reconsider my arguement.  This is not a bad idea and often leads to me being in the head.  Say admitting Im wrong or looking at things from all points of view is a good ability.  However, in this case it is not.  Ive found that letting a girl know you will reconsider is wrong.  Given the opportunity, even when you have one backed into a corner and caught doing something terrible, a girl can turn it into your fault.  More than once have I discovered a cheater, and every time, Im the one who ends up feeling bad or guilty by the end of the day. WHAT THE FUCK.  Guys will either admit it and say "Im fucked" or deny the shit out of it.  Simple, no games.  The ladies however, dont stop there, they go on to manipulate you into their little sidecar.  If youre polite, take an interest in them, show them unconditonal love, trust, and god forbit, money, you are fucked.  I mean it.  I do everything possible to make your life wonderful and accomodate you and you cheat, you lie, you take, you fuck, you play games, you joke, you make a joke of my fucking life.  My heart, some other guy's heart, some other girl's heart, is not a toy.  Jesus Christ, if youre goign to do this shit, go find someone who has no heart like you and youll live happily ever after collecting STD's, disregarding morals, and creating a shitty stereotype for people under the age of 25.  It doesnt hurt so bad anymore, I, myself, am pretty damned used to it, but not everyone else is and I feel bad for your next victim.  If you plan on fucking me over, using me for money, abusing my trust, and taking my feelings for granted, then dont fucking talk to me.  Just go the fuck away and dont waste my time because right now my impression is that 90% of the vaginas on this planet are out to eat any guy alive that doesnt have his guard up. 
        
         My last paragraph, this one right here, yeah.  Continuing on with the "Nice guys finish last" rant, I want to make it clear that nobody is perfect and I do not consider myself a nice guy or the "perfect guy" all the time.  Everyone on this planet is subject to being a douche bag at one time or the other, but make a note that I try my best and usually put other first.  With that said I must ask, why do girls date assholes.  I know some guys are big and hunky and shit, point made.  What about the ones that arent though?  The ones that beat you and talk to you like youre a piece of property and cheat on you.  Does that turn you on? Really? Because if thats what it takes to get a nice girl, then fuck that, Id rather be alone or repeat the "Nate takes it in the ass from society" process over and over.  Im not doing that to someone. 

Idk my hands hurt, this is unrevised so watch out

till i go to work that is, i dont type these damn things out anymore because i mostly dont have a reason to (grammar i know). life seems to be rolling along pretty smooth, stressful no doubt but im getting used to it, my life probably isnt what anyone else would prefer, maybe from a distance but not in my shoes. not to say that its bad but its my life and my lifestyle and i wouldnt trade it for anything, i have my best friend and my girlfriend and a large amount of friends/acquaintances that i dont think id have had i not escaped from the hell that is southeastern high school. for sure i have some friends there i wouldnt trade but the majority of it was holding me back socially, emotionally, and academically. im not bashing the place, and whos to say its not bad but ill say that my friends in springfield and yellow springs have made me what ive become and i thank everyone. i have a good job, not a good paying one at eh moment but i like it better than mc donalds, a badass high school with the gnarliest teacher in the world, and college is what i make it because im there learning what i want when i want. life is pretty good and the only thing im worried about is when its all goign to go away because its almost too damn good to be true

Life bothers the hell out of me. Things have changed so much from last year, I went from having no friends and no self esteem, to all the friends I could ask for, plenty of confidence and self esteem and all the time I could ask for. From there I slowly declined into being busy and stressed. I don't even have the same best friend. You have all the time in the world to see your friends but no money for gas to see them. Then you get a job and you have barely enough money to see them and absolutely no time to spend. I find myself stressing out trying to find time to hang out with everyone but it seems hopeless when I get off work and everyones in bed. I am lonely all the time but Ive found I lack the drive to love or even to see my friends. Id rather just lay down or nap or be alone. Its not to say that I don't miss my friends or im not in love with one particular person, Its more or less that ive just lost the drive to pursue it, I cant convince myself its worth working for, and half the time I don't even enjoy the time I spend with them because im too worried about spending too much money and when I have to be where and who is going to find out im hanging with so-and-so. Im often the first to get up and the last to get home every day and my parents still find reasons to call me irresponsible. I tend to live off of fast food and less than 5 hours of sleep because the only time I have to socialize is at 1230 am. Now that I think about it most of my day is spent virtually alone, I spend a total of 2hours driving each day, I don't talk to anyone at college, and work my only talking is to make a transaction or get a medical evaluation. Im not particularly complaining because ive come to realize that this is the gist of life. Its a little rougher than life right now because I have to wrestle both school and work but everyone goes through that point in life so I have little to complain about. I just don't see a point in it anymore. I bust my ass doing things that are illegal for someone my age (such as X-rays and drawing blood), and carry a lot of responsibility for things such as drawing up vaccines, steroids, anesthetic, and other drugs. I stress out way too fucking much for 7 dollars an hour and all I hear is bitching. while I have my ass knee deep in dog shit or im cleaning out a bite wound no less. I work a full time job and you wont even let me off before 10? I dont mind busting my ass If I get a thank you every once and a while, but sometimes I want to die when I come home to bitching about how my grades arent all As or that I forgot to do something or that I need to shell out 30 more bucks for. And what happened to paying for my gas mom? it was your goddamn idea that I go to clark state and drive every day. im so busy I dont have any feelings anymore unless im worked up to the point of a mental break down. someone fix me.

i feel like im constantly being watched.
like im constantly betraying someone.
doing something i shouldnt be.

even when i have been granted permission to do as i please.

mostly this is thanks to my parents i think.




i feel ashamed that i dont believe in god, that i let you down.
You'll never understand how i think, how anyone else views the subject.
You have never questioned and never will so anything else is bad.
i feel that because i dont believe in god or Jesus or whatever that you think I'm a terrible person, incapable of anything more than frequent use of drugs, alcohol and sex.
Just because I don't follow a religion and question the world around me doesn't make me a bad person with no morals.
You don't understand that and never will. I shouldn't feel like I don't belong at home or a bad person for my own opinions, but I do.
You ask yourself "where did I go wrong?'
Ill never be good enough.
I cant please you, I come home to orders and interrogation everyday, not a "how was your day?"
One of my best friends feels more welcome in our house then I do.
You talk to the dog more often, and with a more pleasant tone than you do me.

Sorry im don't have my life planned out.
Sorry I don't want to be a doctor.
Sorry I don't believe in god.
Sorry you don't trust me.
Sorry I don't get all As.
Sorry I don't do drugs or get drunk every weekend.

If someone can ever tell you "where you went wrong" tell me and ill fix it.

youre aware of them.
i am aware of them.
they are expected to take place in everyones life, therefore when they come you should be ready.
but if you dont know when then you cant be ready.

thats not my point though.
from last year at this time to now things arent what they used to be. not at all.

last year at this time i was finding out what it was like to have a girlfriend.
now i know well what its like, alot of times it yeild pain for an end result but this time is different.
hormones are overpowered. most guys are looking to get laid, im looking for a hug.
im in love.
so what? everyone says that. i dont care what your opinion is, it only matters to me.

also not my main point.

last year most of my free time was spent sitting at home reading or watching tv or envying my new friends because they were allowed freedoms i had never even thought to experience.
now i am 25 minutes from home, my family is on their way to lake eerie and i could get away with whatever i choose.

also not my main point, but now that im thinking, nothing really holds power over the other, all of these subjects are equally important i suppose.

last year i had "best friends" but they would ditch me for girlfriends or parties and i was finding out what it was like to have a real best friend, at this point in time last year we werent close but getting there, and i wasnt sure what was going on.

this year i still dont know whats going on, for a while we were so close and now we seem so far away. i could be making it all up in my head i dunno , i do think and worry alot.
it feels like im losing a best friend. yeah well always be friends but maybe not best friends and that bothers me.
ive changed and youve changed and thats ok, i just wasnt expecting it.
we wont even mention the past summer, i wasted my time with someone who treated me like shit, and i compromised time with you for a complete Waste.


EMo shit, sorry for taking up your time.

I am well aware of two types of love, the kind you share between a family member or a best friend, the latter of which only recently have i discovered. its a wonderful feeling, to know that someone likes you for who you are, doesnt judge you, and knows you inside and out. Almost more important to you than your own blood and family.

I know it pretty well but i think i am still in the learning process.

The last one, the one that everyone both young and old, live to discover. the love you share with a spouse or a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. You know where im going with this.

I probably say this every time i have a girlfriend at some point or another but this time it feels different, I am certain this time i know what im talking about. I am in love.
The love I have found is the kind that makes you feel at peace with yourself and everything around you despite reality. The kind of love that overpowers hormones, the kind of love where all you desire is to hold her (him for some) in your arms and forget the world. The kind of love that makes you get up and go with the hopes that youll be together, even if only for a moment, later that day.

I m done typing because Ill try but word just dont do it justice. I am at peace with myself because of her and thats what matters.

You find the most amazing things when you arent even looking.