I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
(i prefer the cover by iron & wine)


i want to know what this means...

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It’s all the rage.

I've wanted to blog about this but why when Radiohead has already summed up my sentiments...

Fitter happier more productive comfortable not drinking too much
Regular exercise at the gym 3 days a week
Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries at ease
Eating well no more microwave dinners and saturated fats
A patient better driver a safer car baby smiling in back seat
Sleeping well no bad dreams no paranoia
Careful to all animals never washing spiders down the plughole
Keep in contact with old friends, enjoy a drink now and then
Will frequently check credit at moral bank, hole in wall
Favors for favors, fond but not in love
Charity standing orders on sundays ring road supermarket
No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants
Car wash, also on sundays, no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate nothing so childish
At a better pace, slower and more calculated, no chance of escape
Now self-employed, concerned, but powerless
An empowered and informed member of society, pragmatism not idealism
Will not cry in public, less chance of illness, tires that grip in the wet
Shot of baby strapped in back seat, a good memory still cries at a good film
Still kisses with saliva, no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick
That's driven into frozen winter shit, the ability to laugh at weakness
Calm fitter, healthier and more productive a pig in a cage on antibiotics



The effort towards "perfection" by modern standards is the abandoning of personal ideals and independence to fit into society leading to the elimination of individualism and the mindless repetition of a characterless robot.

The challenge is to fight conformity, to find your own sense of meaning and purpose and to form and strive towards your own ideals.

My heart breaks a little each and every time I see him.

Gosh, that sounds so gay.

Let's face it. I'm not cut out for this use and abuse, don't ask don't tell, let's act like a couple one day and like we don't know each other the next, bullshit. And the truth is, I care about him. Well, actually, I don't know if it's that deep for me to say that I care about him so perhaps I am curious and fascinated by him is more appropriate.

Nah, I care about him too. Fuck this big retarded beating heart of mine.

I don't know why I hate to admit it. I have been seeing him one and off for about a year, after all. However, the relationship hasn't deepened even in the slightest, or not to my liking. I still hardly know what he does on the weekends, the company he keeps, let alone his political affiliation or hell, his favorite color. Or wait, maybe I do know. It's blue, the color he painted his bedroom walls. A lovely cerulean shade of blue.

Why have I stuck around for so long despite the shallow progression of our relationship?

Is it because he loves art and design? Because his fascinating tales of his travels? Because for the few thoughtful conversations we've held, I've seen glimpses of his brilliance? Because he's someone who can inspire me? Because I see such great potential?

Because together, we play a convincing game of house? Because even if it's only pretend, it feels real in that moment and time spent with him?

Or is it because he's so elusive and I always want what I can't have? Because I like a good challenge?

But when is it that I'll realize that this a challenge that cannot be won? That I can never have him the way I need him.

And each time he drops me off at my house or at work the next morning, I feel more unfulfilled and empty inside.

And foolishly needing more to be with him.

=========================

me: i only learned how to play sudoku last week
i'm so late
dude: its like crack. good for the metro
me: yeah dude
much better than crossword puzzles
dude: f crossword puzzles
i hate those things
me: when i was younger, my grandmother used to read the star tabloid mag and i'd steal them from her just so i could do the crossword puzzles
and all the answers were based on the content of that issue
so i'd actually read the entire thing
so i was well versed in hollywood gossip at 8
dude: ha thats almost as good as tolstoy
me: better than tolstoy. who wouldnt want to know about the latest scandal regarding pat sajak

Required reading:
http://www.positivepath.net/ideasMA11.asp

======================================================================

"Be the change you want to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi

======================================================================

I've experienced quite a bit in my short life thus far, those close to me know exactly what I mean. There were many times where I've taken for granted the beauty around me, and there are times when I let the ugliness of the world shake me up and break me down. But today, I stand strong and ready for whatever is to come, and I'm ready to truly appreciate all that I have, to recognize nature's signs and the messages they bring, and to seek out even more beauty and meaning in the world. My focus is positivity and change.

In a world that can often be full of pain and strife where most (generic society) focus on the negative, we get sucked into the evil and insignificant values of the world -- superficiality, materialism, status, power, etc. We forget that we also live in a world that is beautiful and precious.

Embrace life, do not focus on the negative, there are plenty of positive things going on in the world that we can be more involved in. Let us promote peace and love. Many people may say that I alone can not change the world but I don't believe that's true. If everyone had the mentality that they could change the world, then indeed the world would be a better place. And it starts with you.

Let's embrace a new way of life where our focus is positivity, love, and progression. The world needs us to spread love and the message of positivity to spark a world of change.

So many people are so immersed in their material possessions and their status and popularity. I am writing this to those who feel it in their heart as I do, but don't know what to do about it. Admittedly, I face ridicule when I express myself this way and try to embrace my spirituality. They tell me that I am naive, that I am foolishly optimistic. But I don't allow it to bring me down or to stop myself from moving forward and continuing to share my thoughts. Not anymore.

Learn to let go of what society has taught you and you have begun to move towards a richer, more fulfilling life -- the road to freedom. Dictate your own life, don't let the constructs of establishment decide for you! Be encouraged to be yourself and to stand up for what you believe in and what truly moves you. Be the change you want to see in the world!

======================================================================

"I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost (The Road Not Taken)

======================================================================

Required reading:
http://www.positivepath.net/ideasMA11.asp

i've been experiencing a few emotional highs and lows in recent weeks but after some meditation and reflection i had an epiphany that i felt compelled to blog about.

i am a passionate person with a love for life so grand that cannot be contained. i am constantly searching for beauty in the world through people, reading, observation, experience. i've been restless in my desire to explore beauty to greater limits -- to try new things, to connect with strangers, to travel and live abroad -- and although my journey is only beginning to unfold, i remain eager, hopeful, and optimistic for the things to come.

but i am human and i have many moments where i get wrapped up in little things that distract me from what's really important.

what i realize is that it doesn't matter if i don't get a raise at work, or that the internet connection at home isn't working, or that there is never enough time to get everything done. what matters is that my family and friends know i love them. it matters that i make time for the things that really make me happy. it matters that people i meet find happiness. i believe that happiness is a choice and all too often everyone forgets that they can choose to be happy, including myself.

we can't always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we face it, and how we feel about it. sure, it's not easy as it sounds. believe me, i've had my share of troubles and challenges, but it is my hope and optimism (or that of loved ones) that has gotten me through the hardest times. we need to remind each other to take control of our feelings and to not be controlled by the events that fall upon us.

i think above all, life is about making connections. it's about connecting with people, places, beliefs, emotions, pictures, words, songs, etc. some connections are lifelong while others are temporary and short-lived. but even in those brief connections, you can find enough beauty to get you through the moment, the hour, the day. that warm feeling inside you helps you find happiness.

i am tired of being tired. i am tired of drifting through life missing out on opportunities to make connections. its time we turn our focus on the things that truly matter. remind me, remind yourself, to find and take note of the beauty all around you. in that beauty, you will find happiness and that's what life is really about.

i don't know about you but i am fed up with drama. and i hate it because i know its my fault. in life we have choices and we can choose to avoid the situations that are detrimental or too complicated. we are equipped with common sense and the ability to read people and situations and our free will to choose our own path. but there are some of us who see the red flags and we keep going in hopes that things will improve... but do they ever? so when drama ensues, don't we only have ourselves to blame?

we try to confront these issues head on in hopes of solving them, but in some cases, we need to come to realize that the only solution is avoidance. acceptance (which often times isn't so much acceptance but rather denial in disguise) isn't always the best remedy because we're only letting the uneasiness settle in our subconscious only to reappear some time in the future and often repeatedly.

we have too much hope. hope, another double edged sword.

life is full of those things.

damn sword fighting.

sword fest. sausage fests. sausage fight.

RED SAUCE ON PASTA!

i guess all we have is to look at a person, or a place, or a situation, or a dream/goal, or whatever and decide if its worth the pain, the possible letdown, the drama. we must accept that these things happen. that suffering is unavoidable and to pick and choose our poison.

i hate to do this. i hate to dwell on the possible negative outcome of things. the hidden motives of people. the disaster that possibly awaits. i don't like to be cynical.

it's a constant battle that's driving me insane in the membrane.

the swords are clashing.

be hopeful, positive, optimistic... or be pessimistic, negative, analytical.

on one hand, you're often let down and left hurt or heartbroken, taken advantage of. on the other, you miss out on opportunities and learning experiences, wondering what could have been.

idealism vs. cynicism.

who will win out?



i must be colorblind. i have trouble seeing gray.




wow. i just reread this and realized that its full of paradoxes and contradictions. oops, oh well. this is your brain on crack... and my brain everyday.

beware of men who's names have 4 letters and sound like they're a member of a cheesy boy band (or the first few books of the new testament).

you know... matt(hew), mark, luke... john.

this closes this chapter. 8 months of nothing. no progress, no acknowledgment, no appreciation, not even something that closely resembles a relationship let alone a friendship, at that! i am through.

officially this time. i just want my phone back and it's done.

he probably won't even care.

and i just need to accept that. that despite everything, he doesn't and never cared about me.

i understand that people operate differently but i never could understand how people can just easily dispose of people in their life that they've spent a reasonable amount of time with, shared meaningful conversations with, or hell, shared their bodies with? how can you be so shitty with people who only want to care for you or share something meaningful with you? how can some people be so fucking cold?

i'm really not mad. just frustrated. (wait, isn't that the same thing?) honestly, i don't care about him much, not anymore anyway. we were drifting apart months ago. but i thought we could salvage some kind of measly friendship but clearly, even that means nothing to him.

i know, i'm an idiot. this is all my fault. but idiots have the right to vent, too.

and i'm done.

====

and about the title... the last few dudes i've dated, their names had 4 letters and people always crack jokes about how i date boy band members (cuz their names are simple and boring and boy-band member friendly)... and other than sharing that in common, they've been nothing but trouble.

bring on... sylvester. i know you're out there!


[EDIT 09/17]

So I realized that I've been masking and denying my true feelings for this guy, thinking I had my emotions under control when I really didn't. The second I saw him, I was overcome with these feelings that came from nowhere and the thought of ceasing to see him really scared and saddened me. So nothing was accomplished this weekend... the good news is I got my phone back but I've yet to bring all this up to him and to set things straight.

I'll talk to him about it next time I see him. I can't go on like this.

So the cycle continues...

[/EDIT]

I was examining and evaluating myself and I've realized that I've wasted a lot of time and energy on unworthy causes that haven't gotten me anywhere. If my focus is growth, why have I reached a standstill? And then I realized that I am not in as much control as I once thought...

I'm constantly on the brink of being a self-governing individual but I keep allowing myself to get distracted. Fear settles in and I succumb to my weakness... and that's all far too cheesy and lame to digress and share in this blog.

I'm fortunate enough to be able to outline exactly the things that are important to me and all that I hope to accomplish. So why do keep going astray only to pursue things that are unworthy, unsatisfying, or temporary? That ends today (that sounds familiar). But I mean it this time. I am placing focus back on myself and dedication to fully exploring who I am (not someone else...). To start, I've compiled a short list of realistic goals I would like to accomplish within the next year.

1) Travel to South America or the Caribbean
2) Take a painting class
3) Take a pottery class
4) Pray more
5) Design my tattoo
6) Get my driver's license
7) Practice yoga/pilates at least twice a week
8) Gain 10 pounds
9) Visit family in the Philippines
10) Learn Tagalog
11) Scuba dive
12) Keep a sketchbook/scrapbook
13) Read at least two books every month
14) Take a dance class
15) Read the paper daily
16) Visit Cali and chase the sunset
17) Volunteer
18) Organize my book collection
19) Think more positively
20) Cut spending on Starbucks
21) Stop procrastinating
22) Meditate
23) Go tandem hanggliding
24) Spark conversation with strangers

And hopefully I come back to this next year feeling accomplished.

By 30, I hope to have deeply explored myself and my abilities, to have learned what I truly want out of life beyond standards and norms and to have found a greater sense of purpose. I would like to see myself having traveled many places, and having friends scattered all over the world with whom I share unforgettable experiences. I hope that one day I can inspire people who are also as restless, curious, and eager as I to not be afraid to take the unconventional path. And whatever else my calling may be, I hope to have found it or at least be well on the path to doing so. But if I want to accomplish all this, I need to pave the way starting today.

I've even given myself a deadline and that is if within 2 years, if I haven't taken a few trips, found new hobbies, relocated, etc. then I've gotten too comfortable and habitual. I am taking this vow that if this is still the case by the time I'm 26 then I will force myself into exile someplace in the UK for a few months.

You can say I'm chasing life too hard or moving too fast but then you must not know how anxious and neurotic I really am. I don't know about you but I'm tired of waiting and only planning... especially when nothing in life is guaranteed...

I'm embracing it for it is my destiny. As you all know (or don't but now do), I have a weird obsession with birds. Not only that but I exhibit various bird-like qualities and habits. I can no longer deny the fact that I will be one of those crazy bird ladies. Remember that bird lady in Home Alone... the one who fed the pigeons? That's me!

I'm currently raising 3 birds and have owned at least 16 in the past. Balboa's always with me... when I shower, when I sleep, when I'm reading, or talking on the phone with you (haha), etc. We play and sing songs together. He relates to my desire to break free and explore and I know this from the way he never wants to be in his cage, the way he explores every nook and object in the house, and the way he gazes longingly out the window. We practically have the same personality. We're restless, curious, happy, loud creatures!

Birds are my favorite design element. They're featured in my myspace and my portfolio design. I have a hummingbird tattoo on my back. I've wanted to use bird stencils to decorate my walls and bird vinyls for my car and my scooter (both of which have yet to come into existence).

Like birds, I love seeds, particularly pumpkin seeds. I'm obsessed with the sky and flying. I like to climb, sit in and admire trees.

We are like the same creature. I imagine I was either a bird in a previous life or will be one in the next life.

Is there a word for someone who loves birds this much? Perhaps a name of a disease? I would like to know so that at least people can refrain from calling me a crazy bird lady.

Don't tell me I've lost my mind. You're the one who read this entire thing and thought I was serious.... oh wait, I am!