All of us have seen this evil coming , the changes, the struggle , the pain,
and the death that has become so in our face...this whole year
 Every day we pry ourselves out of bed just to function....but what for?

And should we look at or lives ....and ask what have we done wrong?


As the song goes "people are people"  we all desire the same things in life .
Yet we all try different ways, to achieve the same things in life.

I know that this year for me has seen such a self destruction....in simple terms
I fucking lost it....All the lies, mostly to myself began to destroy me from the inside.
As I started to realize a path that long ago I took to the bottom of my soul, I said I need help.
 Help I got through some meds that were suppose to be able to help me....and they started to, but still something wasn't right. I kept slipping down into this abyss and started
to see the struggle of my 2 personas....what ? yeas there is the real me and there is roundboy.

Roundboy has been my shield and my protection for so long. Cause I was such a big fat fuck. It was my way of being out in the crowd and not ashamed of what I looked like. I was jolly and fun .....and being a big fat fuck didn't hurt till I got back home to look into my own eyes and realize how ashamed I was of myself....

Then there is the real me, The caring, devoted , loving , and very conservative person. That at times some of you have had just a glimps to see....

Yea and when it comes to what has happened in Jen's and My relationship in which I have totaly fucked up .......you know who you are...the ones that ask her why Is because she has had the love and the optimism in her heart because and also knows that side of me that now one but her will ever get.


I just need to come clean about everything cause its time to make a stand for something that I believe in so much...


This summer came on so fast.....often out of control just thing after thing people
pulling you 10 different ways ....and there is what we started to call the rock-star summer where all it was about was that next fix...of what to do. We all started drinking more and as my medications  said "don't drink" I still knew better...

Thats when it started the doctor jekyll and Mr. Hide in myself started to manifest.
As I let down more of my shield as I stepped away from roundboy I realized that my
self esteem was left open and raw...and I didn't know how to compensate....but to lash out at the person I love the most.

Yes Jen the love of my life....The person who means more than anyone too me.
I started to become a monster lashing out because I was so afraid...and without roundboy i was weak. In so many other ways I am still so strong but I failed. so
horribly did I treat her that she reached out to my parents who love her very much.
They all saw me at my worst when in a drunken rage I not only trashed my parents in a drunken state of rage I broke my hand, and most worse convenced my parents that it was all her falt......that is so far from the truth but I was hurting and I wanted her to feel the pain.

As I tye all this together I wanted her to meet Anna someone who roundboy met first in all his glory and bullshit........then scott realized she was something different.
We had dinner one night to talk about music and it turned into how she met Keith.
Something changed.....she was more that Just her outside beauty....she was real.
Once  again I get to a point of my weakness.  They both met and and became instant friends..........a bond soon formed and in my state of utter break down I soon found out a new friend in Anna was a threat to me......yes my mind has been so fucked. The truth is that as Anna got to know the real me minus the rage and I couldn't bullshit her......So  as in my total destruction took over I stared to treat her as I did Jen, mean and hateful cause I saw her as a threat to the closeness that I so wanted from Jen......
needless to say I said the same evil things and spite that I gave Jenn......


Then It happened .....Jen was gone she had enough and she didn't feel safe....cause for months she was verbaly abused and treated with disrespect....and as Anna came to her side to be there for her friend I turned on her as well.


Then I got that call

 Just after It happened


My Goth Daughter ..........
was gone

The person who saw my soul and as Jen an I joked about being our goth daughter .
took her life ........her pain we all saw after the fact.
A beautiful person who keep it all inside.......just trying to survive and still had the the time for others a true angel......we will never understand why
For I  too went down that path this summer but thank god my friends understood the point when I reached out for their help, even as I tried yet again to hurt my love.

So many of my friends have had a terrible year as well Dusty and his heart , and Mike loosing  his mom....just a few of examples of a year to be forgot ........

What can we do different ?
 

A new year is almost upon us.......All I can say is learn and grow take the lessons that life gives you, as inspirations but never forget to search your heart for what really matters ......And when I comes down to trust and being real make sure the one you love understands who you are..

yet again the inard bastard workings of my mind have told me to M.A.C. on all the fine ladies that you run into . each their own, interested in the music and the scene.

 interaction has always been (you know) the over the top thats just me.


but let me tell you, I have more meaningful coversations and positives = this brings
good times and truly good hearted people together.

I am so happy to have rediscovered old friends' And even you young ones I am meeting some real cool people ..........


and you don't have to fuck them!

We both cried today.....
about a love that surely died this way.

Even as we lay in the separate
beds that we both made....

We realize that this is the only way.

Never will life feel the same,
filled with the plans and dreams that we
once made.....

A closeness that can never be again....
For this reality I had no plan....

so....

As I wait for the pain too subside.....
I morn for our love that has truly died.

Do you use the words of love and support?
Or are you like "you need to let go of the past"
Do you tear him down with "The glory days are over"
Oh yea holding on to the past what a bunch of bullshit...

Grow up

Yea right....seriously

Look at yourself.

I do and don't like what I have become.
Can you say that?


But then again I am what I am.

And you are who you are ......

I freely admit to everyone my faults, I open my soul up.
Just like I did my heart.

BUT.........

I am just another fool, broken just like the rest.......


Yea, right now my bitterness fills my heart.
And to everyone who has see me break......
Let that be a lesson.
Of what no to become......

then maybe you will all see that there is more than one side of reality.

Your actions, yea right.
you think that I didn't see
how fucked you could be.
As you were just as guilty as me.
Then you fucked up and let me see
that I was never as important that you,
led me to be.
Pretty fucked up as we all now see
that the bigger whore was you not me!

think of the one you didn't have to do that for.
the one who just wanted the touch.
someone who offered the world and just needed you to see.
the person who you wanted me to be.

as i sit now broken and alone,
as you choose to sit high on your throne.
in the end you will always be alone.

Its just the person you have become
jaded, cause you cant see.
the person that I want to be.

Back to myself.....
but still so different.
Older and wiser, well maybe not?
Able to understand better, yes
Still committed ...Forever!!!!!!!

Will I struggle......
U know the answer to that.
but why should you care?

My heart has been broken,
but the loss both.
One forever, the other I hope never.

My demons they still get me every day.
Only what I truly know is in my heart,
I can say.......
Pain given and received too and from the ones
you love the most.
Self hate for not being stronger and not growing up
inside soon enough.
Self worth when you give all you can without being asked?
the answer back....."I never ask you to offer"
Self image......Never again will I let "ROUNDBOY" rule....
and over power the true me.
Selfishness this is a hard one cause.....
what is it, I thought that reciprocation was what you do.....
not the start of a fight.

Well as for what I can say about who I know that I am...
Is an evolution full of pain and rebirth.
Deconstructing all that I have ever been.
So some day I will worth it once again.

Well as the last freedoms as U have known them.
Are gone when you are placed in room full of such crazies.

WELL THAT WAS JUST CRAZY in its self.

Or is it there plain not to have given any CONTROL to U?

Can you learn to exist, to cope and too go?
Is that what makes you come to the reality that for just that instance,
you lost and were crazy but only for that time when you lost your mind
 I have just been down that road, and got lost.
Now with new direction I can still get to my goal.
And use the mistakes to learn how not to do that again.
Now Is the time for the team..family to pull together.
just remember
Like any performance it takes all the players to make it something great

I awoke and you weren't there...
Snapped out of my haze,
like a light switch.....
I realized that you had taken care of me,
both of us safe at home.
As I lay there trying to fade back to slumber.
something was missing......
the warmth of your skin and the softness of your touch.
You came to bed and we lay together....
Our souls become one and I can feel the beating of your heart.
All is well again, safe in your arms......
We both fall back to sleep.

A handfull of seeds were planted within myself.
Ideas, thoughts, and emotions.

but......

For way too long they lay dormant.
Choked out by the weeds that I call,
my lack of understanding, and laziness.

Over time these seeds watered with tears,
have germinated and taken root.
With care , sacrifice , and understanding.
they will grow even stronger.

but.....

As with anything that grows.
It must be maintained and pruned.
Cut away the dead and pull up the weeds.
So that these handfull of seeds can grow and become
as beautiful as the person who planted them inside me
so many years ago.